The loneliness of converts

Ahmed ibn Ibrahim

alhamdulilah
Asalaamu Alaikum

I'm in Canada just like the writer of the article. Yeah its true about not being trusted. This happened to me a few years ago..I was accused of being a spy in front of all the women by two women. No one stood up for me..no one said it was an outrage which it was. Man you give up your family (they hate you when you convert), your friends..also hate you and the whole society hates you and then you go to the mosque for some understanding and you get kicked to the curb big time. To accuse me of being a spy is to say I am a kufr after all the hell I suffered to become a muslim. I heard about another guy in another city who went through the same thing.

Oh I do go to the muslim gathering and I get to hear arabic at one table and urdu at the other..so I sit with the kids who don't ignore me or judge me..how sad is that? When they do talk to me , here is what they say...

1. Why do you have so many kids? You shouldn't have lots of kids.
2. Why do you watch your kids all the time? ( they want me to let my kids run around the mosque like hooligans unsupervised..beating each other up, running out into the street, playing with dangerous things etc while I sit and drink tea..sorry not happening..that's called neglect people!)
3. Why don't you buy a house with interest?

So I am really sick of socializing with people like that.. I want to be openminded but years of experience have shown me that I will never be accepted into their culture club!

Wa salaamu Alaikum
D4E


WaAlaikum Salaam, Sister D4E,

Hehe, that made me smile - I say: Good for you! I'm doing the same thing with the interest, even though lots of the Brothers I know do it and give all sorts of excuses from all sorts of sources. ::shrug:: I heard a Haddith from a pious Brother once which went something like, "Paying one unit of interest is equivilent to sleeping with your mother and a camel." So instead I'm renting this house from my father-in-law and InshaAllah he will help us out down the road, and my wife and I will get an "Islamic mortgage" (without interest) soon.

And good for you to be blessed with so many children and to watch over them at the Masjid. I know my wife finds it very distracting and annoying the way that so many Sisters there seem to just let their kids run rampant throughout the property, yelling and play-fighting and getting into trouble.
Sure it's recommended for women to pray at home, but being at the Mosque is also important for the Sisters to engage in fellowship, making new friends, and welcoming newly reverted Sisters.

... As for people accusing reverts of being spies, that made me a little mad. I mean, Sister D4E is absolutely right: We make all of these sacrifices, embark on a new journey in a totally new perspective, put ourselves out there in good faith and good intentions... and then some dingbat starts gossiping and has the nerve make accusations based on nothing! If the social issues remain strained enough, then we can end up in a situation like the Brother Salmon is in (may you take the innitiative to turn back to Allah SWT in repentance and submission, Brother. Surely you know this life is just an illusion, as well as the purpose.)

WaSalaam
Br. Ahmed
 

OmarTheFrench

Junior Member
To accuse me of being a spy is to say I am a kufr after all the hell I suffered to become a muslim.

Salam,

Its true sister but don't forget:

It is reported on the authority of Ibn `Umar that the Prophet (may peace and blessings be upon him) said: Any person who calls his brother: O Unbeliever! (then the truth of this label) would return to one of them. If it is true, (then it is) as he asserted, (but if it is not true), then it returns to him (and thus the person who made the accusation is an Unbeliever). [Muslim]

Let those viper tongue talk, Allah(SWT) is the only judge.
 
:salam2: I see a lot of sisters and brothers complaining. I don't agree that people dont want to be friends. I feel the ones who revert are generally so shy . They say assalamalikum and thats it. Hey in the womens section in the masjid if you want you can make friends so easily. It is all upto you. To make friends you have to invite them over to your house. If you have kids and they also have kids the same age. it can be great. You just dont attend halqas and expect to become friends. Call them over to break fast at your place. After ramadan is over call them up sometimes. If one makes a little effort one can always find friends. The problem is two shy people meeting and expecting the other to make the first move. Some people cant speak english and generally try to stay with people from there own country. But then there are lots of them who are willing to make new friends. Maybe you would say hey you are young so you made friends. But i made friends with sisters who have kids and are older. I am friends with both mother and daughter.
 

Doris

Junior Member
Alaikumu salam ua rahmatullah ua barakatuhu.

Dear brothers and sisters in islam. I believe that the reason for the the muslim men and women feeling the way they do (lonely) reverts or otherwise, is amazingly said and explained by the scholar of our time, the muhadeeth the noble Shaikh Muhammad Nasirudin al-Albani rahimeullah. Taken from the book Nudhm ul faraaid min ma fee silsilatul albanee min al Fawaai'd vol 2 "Their ( the reverts in non muslim countries) holding onto Dunya and the easy means of living and welfare in their countries, on the basis that they are living an enjoyable material life, even though there is no spiritual element in that life style, as is well known. Therefore, it is difficult for them to go to a muslim country as the means to a good lifestyle in a muslim countries are not thriving for them in their view." end of Shakh's quote.

and like the example of one of the sisters above walking in the mall and the co-workers who work with her trying to avoid her because of the hijab. What does Allaah Subahana ua teala says about Musaa Alayhee that he alayhee salam said: "I will show you the home of the disobedient" Al-Aaaraf-ayah145.

May Allaah protect you all.
 

Sakeena

Junior Member
Asalam alaikum,

Wow, so I'm not the only one, eh? Okay, I feel lonely too, a lot especially during Ramadan and Eid al Fitr cuz I have no Muslim family to share this with... I have a Muslimah friend, my best girlfriend that I can't visit and haven't seen in 3 years, but I call once a month inshallah, not in a while though... I miss her so much! SubhanAllah. :SMILY23: Now I feel sad...subhanAllah! Hugs are always good hehe :hearts: I miss hubby :hijabi:

wasalam

Sakeena :girl3:
 

Peace2u

Turn To Islam
Asalam alaikum,

Wow, so I'm not the only one, eh? Okay, I feel lonely too, a lot especially during Ramadan and Eid al Fitr cuz I have no Muslim family to share this with... I have a Muslimah friend, my best girlfriend that I can't visit and haven't seen in 3 years, but I call once a month inshallah, not in a while though... I miss her so much! SubhanAllah. :SMILY23: Now I feel sad...subhanAllah! Hugs are always good hehe :hearts: I miss hubby :hijabi:

wasalam

Sakeena :girl3:

Salam sister,

Dont forget you have a Muslim family of around 1.5 billion out there :)

So remember you're never alone Alhamdulilah

Salam
 

dawahforever

Junior Member
:salam2: I see a lot of sisters and brothers complaining. I don't agree that people dont want to be friends. I feel the ones who revert are generally so shy . They say assalamalikum and thats it. Hey in the womens section in the masjid if you want you can make friends so easily. It is all upto you. To make friends you have to invite them over to your house. If you have kids and they also have kids the same age. it can be great. You just dont attend halqas and expect to become friends. Call them over to break fast at your place. After ramadan is over call them up sometimes. If one makes a little effort one can always find friends. The problem is two shy people meeting and expecting the other to make the first move. Some people cant speak english and generally try to stay with people from there own country. But then there are lots of them who are willing to make new friends. Maybe you would say hey you are young so you made friends. But i made friends with sisters who have kids and are older. I am friends with both mother and daughter.

Asalaamu Alaikum

Like I said I'm not shy and I've tried countless things to become friends with them. I try talking to them at the mosque, I give out my phone number (they never call), I take thier phone number (I call but they never call back), I invite them over and they either don't come or come but never invite me. I've also had halaqua at my house. Compare that to my former life..back then it was a peice of cake..meet someone at school, hang out, go to movies etc ..it was so easy and so informal..now it seems you need a fancy invitation just to get a muslim's attention.

Wa Salaamu Alaikum
D4E
 

dawahforever

Junior Member
Alaikumu salam ua rahmatullah ua barakatuhu.

Dear brothers and sisters in islam. I believe that the reason for the the muslim men and women feeling the way they do (lonely) reverts or otherwise, is amazingly said and explained by the scholar of our time, the muhadeeth the noble Shaikh Muhammad Nasirudin al-Albani rahimeullah. Taken from the book Nudhm ul faraaid min ma fee silsilatul albanee min al Fawaai'd vol 2 "Their ( the reverts in non muslim countries) holding onto Dunya and the easy means of living and welfare in their countries, on the basis that they are living an enjoyable material life, even though there is no spiritual element in that life style, as is well known. Therefore, it is difficult for them to go to a muslim country as the means to a good lifestyle in a muslim countries are not thriving for them in their view." end of Shakh's quote.

and like the example of one of the sisters above walking in the mall and the co-workers who work with her trying to avoid her because of the hijab. What does Allaah Subahana ua teala says about Musaa Alayhee that he alayhee salam said: "I will show you the home of the disobedient" Al-Aaaraf-ayah145.

May Allaah protect you all.


Asalaamu Alaikum

In a sense this is true..I made hijra to Malaysia in 2000 and came back because my husband was making too little to support our large family..you could do it if you gave up fresh milk, cereal, diapers etc I guess but I wasn't willing to give my kids strange powdered milk or fattening breakfast meals instead of cereal etc or fresh juice ..they have strange liquid that you mix with water and it doesn't even taste like juice..on top of all that there were a million things wrong like lizards and rats and cockroaches in the house, litter everywhere outside and you find out that the muslims are not all that religious after all..you're actually better off in a non-muslim country if you want to learn about Islam. BUT and this is a big BUT...you will never feel lonely there..I know I didn't..there are constant visitors and people inviting you over and the neighbours are friendly and everyone is interested in talking to you. Malays are really friendly people :) masha Allah. Yeah so when I came back I felt even more lonely than before I left CAnada..cuz I had experienced what a real muslim social life was supposed to look like. So you have to choose money or friends...so is there anywhere there are friendly religious muslims and good paying jobs, lol?

WA Salaamu Alaikum
D4E
 

Munawar

Striving for Paradise
Asalaamu Alaikum

Like I said I'm not shy and I've tried countless things to become friends with them. I try talking to them at the mosque, I give out my phone number (they never call), I take thier phone number (I call but they never call back), I invite them over and they either don't come or come but never invite me. I've also had halaqua at my house. Compare that to my former life..back then it was a peice of cake..meet someone at school, hang out, go to movies etc ..it was so easy and so informal..now it seems you need a fancy invitation just to get a muslim's attention.

Wa Salaamu Alaikum
D4E

:salam2: Sister dawahforever,
Which part of Canada you live in? I know several people/families who live in Toronto and Missisaugga area. I know a couple of these families will be very interested in meeting reverts and making friends with them.

You may even be living near brother Brandon (Ahmed) Al'Abraham's home too. Who knows (hint).
Talking to someone on telephone is nice too. These days telephone calls are nearly free.

I think we really need to do something to address this issue.
:wasalam:
 

dawahforever

Junior Member
Asalaamu Alaikum

I live 3 hours south of Toronto. (in Ontario). Br. Brandon and his wife live in Alberta..that's pretty far, lol but we do email. My daughter lives near Mississauga and we go there about once a month or less.

Wa Salaamu Alaikum
D4E
 

BintMuhammad

New Member
Staff member
Assalamu alaikum,

It's not just the reverts who feel alone and lonely. I too am feeling alone because my parents and siblings are in another city while I'm here in Manila. Last year, I spent my Eid alone and this year just with my nanny and she doesn't talk when I don't talk to her LoL Even though I live in a mosque, I still have a hard time looking for a good sister as friend around the vicinity. So yeah Alhamdulillaah for this site, everyone is keeping me company and I'm learning at the same time.
 

alicia07

New Member
:salam2: I am a sister who is in a very large muslim community here in the U.S and I still feel that same lonliness that you speak of. I think that because people are muslim we have an expectation of them being good people who live their life completely according to Allah but the truth is many times culture outweighs Allah swt. Its sad but true. I am a Somali who grew up in the United States and I feel that same lonliness even amogst a community of over 100,000. I think that volunteering and creating your own projects and organising groups to do good for the community would help some people. What I have found is that although being lonely is awful, sometimes you can get feel so much closer to Allah and stay away from haram and gossip when you dont socialise.
 

Saifu deen

Alhamdullah..
:salam2:

I believe that both born muslims and converts/reverts experience lonliness. Many people assume that converts are very strict in their religion, and many converts believe that born muslims supposed to practice islam way better than the way they are, since they born as muslims. Therefore, people believe in assumptions before even meeting that individual, which is wrong. Isnt better to be An American and spend a lovely eveing with chinese muslim, or English convert with indians, African convert with Arab, and so on.. That way you've already gave such a nice dawa indirectly subhanallah, and you'll be rewarded. Experience the English food, the Arab food, the African food, organise trips/festivals for muslims families, where brothers for example play football, and sister play tennis (away from non muhram).

Inshallah, everyone enjoys himself/herself more according to the Qur'an and Sunnah. As sister alicia07 mentioned that being alone brings closer to Allah (swt), it makes us reflect and use our lonliness to please Allah (swt)...

:wasalam:
 

Bawar

Struggling2Surrender
Increase your numbers

I got an idea while reading posts on this thread.

It is mainly for reverted muslims. Do more dawah (invitation to islam) so that you can finally create your own little community. As years pass by, inshallah, the numbers will go up to 2, 3, 4....

One more point for the reverted muslim brothers and sisters. Please don't cut yourselves completly off your kin. You got do your best in giving them dawah before giving up on them. This way, you will have a degree of social life with your family and relatives and achieve the reward for your efferts.

Allah knows best

wassalam
 

Munawar

Striving for Paradise
I was lonely too.

:salam2:
I came to USA in 1984. At that time there were very few people (Muslims) living in my area. I tried to be friends with some people at work and in the apartment, but it didn't work because here the friendship means meet in the bar and I do not drink so it felt really odd to drink orange juice the whole time, plus many of the things they used to talk I couldn't understand. (at that time I wasn't too familiar with the sports like baseball, American football etc.) My pass time was watching TV or movies and walking in the mall. At that time phone calls to Pakistan were $3.50 for 1st minute and $2.50 for additional minutes. So I was alone... very alone, but I didn't complain to anyone because it was my decision, and I was here because of economic reason.

I remember in 1989 I was in a Wal-Mart and I heard two women speaking in Urdu in a different isle. I searched them and then was very happy to talk to them, got their phone numbers too. My wife came just before that so it worked well for us. Then because of job I had to move to an another city and we slowly built some friendship there. Whenever we see someone in a store or mall who look like Muslim we used to stop and talk to them find out where they live, exchange phone numbers etc. and then invite them on our children's birthday or any other occasion, or just dinner. Once we got 6-7 families going it became a cycle, we invite them and then they also invite us on birthdays and Eid day etc. Masjids were few and far away at that time and I wasn't very religious at that time, so I only used to go to Masjid on Eid days. Ever wonder from where this huge crowd appears out of nowhere on Eid days only ??? well... it is people like me.

So, by then we stopped having that feeling of loneliness, also in the 1990's Asian/Muslim population exploded here we had many families as our friends and we even had to cut down. At that time my daughter was growing and was in the middle school and her friends were all white Christian girls. I started to worry about the high school and people here know what goes on in the high school, what kind of impact it will have on my daughter. So because of her I moved to Canton where there is a Masjid near by and because of the Masjid there are many Muslim families live here. And within a few months her list of friends contained mostly Muslim girls. Alhamdolillah it worked well for her and us too because I became religious and my wife now wears hijab, I am happy even though I now have to drive 42 miles one way to my job. We built the friendship the same way as we did before, except the difference was that we got all these people at the same place, the Masjid. During this time we even removed some from the list of friends, because some people are superficial, not of your type etc. So, by now we have many many families as friends, as a matter of fact sometimes it becomes too much.

I am writing all this about me with a heavy heart because many of my brothers and sisters are lonely. I hope they find some information in my post and use it to get rid of this loneliness. It will make me really happy if it helps anyone.

In the end I would like to say that I was lonely in 1980s because I chose to live there for economic reason (job), those brothers and sisters who are lonely now are because of Allah, and they are racking in astronomical rewards for it, and in the Day of Judgment /Jannah they would wish they were lonelier in this Dunya.
:wasalam:
 

dawahforever

Junior Member
:salam2:
I came to USA in 1984. At that time there were very few people (Muslims) living in my area. I tried to be friends with some people at work and in the apartment, but it didn't work because here the friendship means meet in the bar and I do not drink so it felt really odd to drink orange juice the whole time, plus many of the things they used to talk I couldn't understand. (at that time I wasn't too familiar with the sports like baseball, American football etc.) My pass time was watching TV or movies and walking in the mall. At that time phone calls to Pakistan were $3.50 for 1st minute and $2.50 for additional minutes. So I was alone... very alone, but I didn't complain to anyone because it was my decision, and I was here because of economic reason.

I remember in 1989 I was in a Wal-Mart and I heard two women speaking in Urdu in a different isle. I searched them and then was very happy to talk to them, got their phone numbers too. My wife came just before that so it worked well for us. Then because of job I had to move to an another city and we slowly built some friendship there. Whenever we see someone in a store or mall who look like Muslim we used to stop and talk to them find out where they live, exchange phone numbers etc. and then invite them on our children's birthday or any other occasion, or just dinner. Once we got 6-7 families going it became a cycle, we invite them and then they also invite us on birthdays and Eid day etc. Masjids were few and far away at that time and I wasn't very religious at that time, so I only used to go to Masjid on Eid days. Ever wonder from where this huge crowd appears out of nowhere on Eid days only ??? well... it is people like me.

So, by then we stopped having that feeling of loneliness, also in the 1990's Asian/Muslim population exploded here we had many families as our friends and we even had to cut down. At that time my daughter was growing and was in the middle school and her friends were all white Christian girls. I started to worry about the high school and people here know what goes on in the high school, what kind of impact it will have on my daughter. So because of her I moved to Canton where there is a Masjid near by and because of the Masjid there are many Muslim families live here. And within a few months her list of friends contained mostly Muslim girls. Alhamdolillah it worked well for her and us too because I became religious and my wife now wears hijab, I am happy even though I now have to drive 42 miles one way to my job. We built the friendship the same way as we did before, except the difference was that we got all these people at the same place, the Masjid. During this time we even removed some from the list of friends, because some people are superficial, not of your type etc. So, by now we have many many families as friends, as a matter of fact sometimes it becomes too much.

I am writing all this about me with a heavy heart because many of my brothers and sisters are lonely. I hope they find some information in my post and use it to get rid of this loneliness. It will make me really happy if it helps anyone.

In the end I would like to say that I was lonely in 1980s because I chose to live there for economic reason (job), those brothers and sisters who are lonely now are because of Allah, and they are racking in astronomical rewards for it, and in the Day of Judgment /Jannah they would wish they were lonelier in this Dunya.
:wasalam:


Asalaamu Alaikum

What I get from this is that friendship for immigrant muslims involves inviting people over to eat. Is that correct? For us you have to feel pretty close to someone before you do that usually. Usually we talk on the phone and then go out somewhere together and then maybe get together for a snack and then the big finale is to finally be invited over for supper. But I think that all these steps are cut out for immigrants..am I correct? I know for us that we build up relationships very slowly. So maybe when I give someone my number they never call because I didn't automatically give them a dinner invitation? Is that right? Could it be that immigrants don't like our style??? I've been wondering about this for years!

Wa Salaamu Alaikum
D4E
 

the only truth

striving for jannah
salam sisssssssssssss,

awwwwwwwwwwwwww huny i feel 4 u...subhanallah...but u know that Allah knows wat r feeling and insha-allah all wisdom belongs to Allah...maybe ur a better of muslim without integrating too mch with the muslim community of where ur living??? anyway im a sister and you an always contact me if u feel lonley....where do u live???maybe we can meet up n jus go out for a few hours insha-allah...

WAssalam
 

Munawar

Striving for Paradise
Asalaamu Alaikum

But I think that all these steps are cut out for immigrants..am I correct? I know for us that we build up relationships very slowly. D4E

:salam2: Sister,
I think you hit on the nail. What can I say, it is a cultural thing. I am not recommending it, but in my experiance this has worked well.
Why? Maybe you are right "all these steps are cut out for immigrants". And it is true we have been able to build relations much faster, and perhaps the reason is food.

It may appear a little shalow but let me say that when you go to somebody's house for dinner, you do feel a bit more closer to them. Also let me say this too that when we invite someone we do not try to make it perfect. That napkins are at the right place and silverware are arranged properly. So this is not a burdan put a pleasure. The food is a little better/richer than everyday food but not extraordinary. Maybe this is an eastern thing and I am not explaining it very well. I think we enjoy inviting people to dinner so we don't feel as if it is a big chore.

If we invite one family for dinner, my wife was making dinner anyway now she will make extra food, her efforts will increase but she doesn't feel overburdoned and me and my children help too. In summer I do BBQ, it is easy.

I hope I explained. If not I am sorry.
:wasalam:
 

Doris

Junior Member
Elhamdulilah, I say to those beloved brothers and sisters who are lonely think about the hadeeth below that is sahih mutawatir( many sahabah relating it)
" Verily imaan returns and goes back to al-Madeenah as a snake returns and hoes back to its hole." sahih-Ebu Daud

As explained from the scholars the above hadith and many sismilar to it show one important thing: The example fo a country is only based on its residents, not due to the recidences or areas themselves. Very nice explained this reality the noble companion of the Prophet alayhee salam, Salman Al-Farisi when Abu Dhar wrote to him saying" Come to the holy land immediately" Salman wrote back to him saying: " Land does not make a person Holy,actions make a person holy." ( From Muatta of Imam Malik). So brothers and sisters be us reverts or otherwise, sin and skant-dressing has become gratifying and pleasing among many of us, that's why many of us feel sad and can't explain this because of inter-mingling and being infected by this. And you all know that as much corrupted muslims have become they can be described much better then the disbelivers in terms of character, piety and manners. That's why we see brothers and sisters in the previous e-mails saying how their communities are huge, but still lonely. Why? because is the environment that effects you. How important is for the non-muslims to visit each other? Almost ZERO. Like the poet said" Tell me who's your friend, I'll tell you who you are." and Allaah knows Best
 
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