Some Questions from someone trying to understand....
- Thread starter dianek
- Start date
The 'elders' lol nah - if they were really 'amazing' I dont think the youth would be as you described, young people are shaped by the people they are surrounded with and if youre surrounded by filth its difficult to remain clean as it were. If the elders were excellent role models and followed Islam properly, if Islam was seen as the route to ultimate success, illustrated by the example of the elders then the youth would follow suit regardless of external influence, yet, there is something that alienates some young people from following the examples of the older generation. Older people have aspects of culture which they are not willing to part with, some compromise Islamic rules with cultural traditions - I dont mean to generalise, I respect my elders and different cultures, but Islam deserves more respect than cultures, is all im saying - So yeh...I worry about both elders and the young people.
wasalam-alaykumps sorry this is off topic
Happy 2BA Muslim
Islamophilic
Hi Diane,
Remember that you are always welcome here.
There has been some beautiful replies. I ask Allah SWT to make things easier on you, and to bring back love and tranquility in your relationship with your husband.
With regards to your quote above, I would just like to refer you to a thread that discussed this issue in much detail. Especially read the replies written by our Brother Bluegazer.
Calling a non-Muslim a Kafir
Using this word is no way meant to offend someone. It is not a curse or nasty word. What is offending is the way some Muslims use it (the context of the sentence). Hopefully you will understand more when you read this thread.
Looking forward to more of your sincere questions.
Regards,
Happy
q8penpals
Junior Member
Salam
As a convert to Islam, I can truly feel for some of the items that Diane posted - especially with regards to blood family who are not Muslim.
What Diane said originally seems to be able to be summed up pretty simply - when she married her husband, he was not a practicing Muslim and he did not require her to be. However, now that he has chosen to be more devout in some ways (I am not saying everything he does is correct), he is forcing her to do things that she is unable to do or is uncomfortable doing.
Diane, I feel for you. I think it is very easy for people to type out rulings and guidelines and tell you whether you (or your husband) are right or wrong when it is not them in the situation. I have only been Muslim for less than 4 years and I do not know everything, and there are things that I know that I don't necessarily do (and I know that is my burden).
That said, it does not sound like your marriage is a very healthy one, Islamic or otherwise. Why is he buildling a house for "himself" and shipping a car there? If you are married, it should be a house for both of you.
I can't really offer much advice to you, but I will give you a virtual hug ********HHHHHHHUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGG***********
Lana
As a convert to Islam, I can truly feel for some of the items that Diane posted - especially with regards to blood family who are not Muslim.
What Diane said originally seems to be able to be summed up pretty simply - when she married her husband, he was not a practicing Muslim and he did not require her to be. However, now that he has chosen to be more devout in some ways (I am not saying everything he does is correct), he is forcing her to do things that she is unable to do or is uncomfortable doing.
Diane, I feel for you. I think it is very easy for people to type out rulings and guidelines and tell you whether you (or your husband) are right or wrong when it is not them in the situation. I have only been Muslim for less than 4 years and I do not know everything, and there are things that I know that I don't necessarily do (and I know that is my burden).
That said, it does not sound like your marriage is a very healthy one, Islamic or otherwise. Why is he buildling a house for "himself" and shipping a car there? If you are married, it should be a house for both of you.
I can't really offer much advice to you, but I will give you a virtual hug ********HHHHHHHUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGG***********
Lana
Hello dianek,
Welcome to this forum. I hope you find your stay here informative and enjoyable.
Brother Happy_2BA_Muslim referred to a thread that had a debate about using the word Kaafir [plural Kuffaar] to describe a non Muslim [including Jews and Christians]. I thank him for posting a link to that thread.
I ask you to please read all my replies on that thread carefully. I know they are long, but I believe you'll -God willing- benefit from it.
Also, check out the following link that shows documentaries about Islam produced by some Western companies. You'll be very surprised by what you'll learn:
http://www.turntoislam.com/forum/showpost.php?p=88428&postcount=5
Also, check out the books found on the following link:
http://www.turntoislam.com/forum/showpost.php?p=116206&postcount=5
The following link shows you a post of mine that compared some Biblical verses with Qur'anic verses. I believe you'll find it interesting:
http://www.turntoislam.com/forum/showpost.php?p=74489&postcount=24
Concerning your the situation with your husband, you have to understand that a Muslim must not participate in the religious celebrations of another faith. So, if he and his children do not participate in Christmas, don't hold it against him.
However, does that mean that he cannot show kind gestures towards your parents, like giving them gifts in regular days? If they don't affect his religion or the religion of his children, then kind gestures towards your parents will go a long way to diffuse any tension between you and him.
Also, I believe it's good that your husband has changed his bad ways [drinking and going to bars ...etc]. Having said that, he should sit with you and in a kind language explain the reasons for his changes, and he should act in a considerate and understanding way with you. He should also face up to his responsibilities as the man of the house [such as provide you and the children with food and shelter].
To be fair, we haven't heard his side of the story. That's why it's best to go to a councilor [a knowledgeable practicing Muslim who has a lot of experience in solving such problems] so that he could hear both sides of the story and provide the adequate solutions.
I leave you with the following verse of the Qur'an:
[Translation of the meanings of the Qur'an 30:21]
I wish you, your husband and all your children all the best.
Regards,
Bluegazer
Welcome to this forum. I hope you find your stay here informative and enjoyable.
Brother Happy_2BA_Muslim referred to a thread that had a debate about using the word Kaafir [plural Kuffaar] to describe a non Muslim [including Jews and Christians]. I thank him for posting a link to that thread.
I ask you to please read all my replies on that thread carefully. I know they are long, but I believe you'll -God willing- benefit from it.
Also, check out the following link that shows documentaries about Islam produced by some Western companies. You'll be very surprised by what you'll learn:
http://www.turntoislam.com/forum/showpost.php?p=88428&postcount=5
Also, check out the books found on the following link:
http://www.turntoislam.com/forum/showpost.php?p=116206&postcount=5
The following link shows you a post of mine that compared some Biblical verses with Qur'anic verses. I believe you'll find it interesting:
http://www.turntoislam.com/forum/showpost.php?p=74489&postcount=24
Concerning your the situation with your husband, you have to understand that a Muslim must not participate in the religious celebrations of another faith. So, if he and his children do not participate in Christmas, don't hold it against him.
However, does that mean that he cannot show kind gestures towards your parents, like giving them gifts in regular days? If they don't affect his religion or the religion of his children, then kind gestures towards your parents will go a long way to diffuse any tension between you and him.
Also, I believe it's good that your husband has changed his bad ways [drinking and going to bars ...etc]. Having said that, he should sit with you and in a kind language explain the reasons for his changes, and he should act in a considerate and understanding way with you. He should also face up to his responsibilities as the man of the house [such as provide you and the children with food and shelter].
To be fair, we haven't heard his side of the story. That's why it's best to go to a councilor [a knowledgeable practicing Muslim who has a lot of experience in solving such problems] so that he could hear both sides of the story and provide the adequate solutions.
I leave you with the following verse of the Qur'an:
[Translation of the meanings of the Qur'an 30:21]
I wish you, your husband and all your children all the best.
Regards,
Bluegazer
AZAM_SIDDIQUI
Junior Member
i agree.may ALLLAH bless her family
dianek
Junior Member
Thanks to everyone who posted. Just to make it clear, I have no issues with him practicing his faith. I support that. BUT, as Lana said, he didn't give me the proper chance to make my choice. I am having to live as a muslim in many ways (giving up having holidays in my home, enjoying the beach, etc.) because of HIS CHOICE FOR HIMSELF. I want him to be the best he can be. The house and car he says is for the "family", BUT he never asked me if I even wanted that. I have no intentions of leaving the US to live in North Africa. NO WAY! So that money going out the door is, in my eyes, to please himself, not me. One person mentioned USRY...guessing interest....as haram. But the only way to own a house here in the US is to take a mortgage and that does mean interest. But, isn't putting that equity into your financial portfolio better than just lining a landlord's pocket? I mean, really who has 200,000+ to pay cash for a house here. I don't........and I am a firm believer that a home is the roots of a family.......so I convinced him that we had to take a mortgage.
What is the islamic view on music? Horror Movies.........these are things I love. I love to go to a good concert or turn up the radio in the car to unwind after a fastidious day....I could not be happy without that.....Rock music speaks to me and many times helps to vent my frustrations. And God knows I love a good scare.....these have now become no no's in his eyes as well.
I told him, just to see what he'd say, that if I became Muslim, I would NOT want to be married to him. And he said, okay, if you become Muslim I will divorce you. But he won't divorce me now as I am. Now I wish he had another wife......so he could LIVE with her and she could deal with him.....I would make myself completely unavailalbe to him.......in this scenario a second wife would be great.
Anyhow...at the end of the day, what keeps me from making the change is my family and their position on it, giving him the satisfaction, the way my friends would react (though I know they would support me, they would not understand it)..........and Muhammed.....all the other things I believe.
One more thing....my husband said that if you don't pray in Arabic God will not ACCEPT your prayer.....is that true? It seems ridiculous to me that God would not listen to me because I don't know a language.
What is the islamic view on music? Horror Movies.........these are things I love. I love to go to a good concert or turn up the radio in the car to unwind after a fastidious day....I could not be happy without that.....Rock music speaks to me and many times helps to vent my frustrations. And God knows I love a good scare.....these have now become no no's in his eyes as well.
I told him, just to see what he'd say, that if I became Muslim, I would NOT want to be married to him. And he said, okay, if you become Muslim I will divorce you. But he won't divorce me now as I am. Now I wish he had another wife......so he could LIVE with her and she could deal with him.....I would make myself completely unavailalbe to him.......in this scenario a second wife would be great.
Anyhow...at the end of the day, what keeps me from making the change is my family and their position on it, giving him the satisfaction, the way my friends would react (though I know they would support me, they would not understand it)..........and Muhammed.....all the other things I believe.
One more thing....my husband said that if you don't pray in Arabic God will not ACCEPT your prayer.....is that true? It seems ridiculous to me that God would not listen to me because I don't know a language.
salahdin
Junior Member
DIANEK
DEAR DIANEK YOU CAME HERE WITH SOME QUESTIONS AND YOU GOT YOUR ANSWERS.THE PROBLEM IS THAT YOU WANT US TO PLEASE YOU WITH THE ANSWERS THAT YOU WANT TO HEAR AND THAT IS YOU ARE RIGHT AND HE IS WRONG. BUT THATS NOT THE CASE .WE ARE GUIDED BY THE HOLY QURAN AND THE SAYING OF THE PROPHET MOHAMMAD S.A.W. SOME OF THE ANWERS YOU GOT CAME FROM THIS TWO SOURCES. ABOUT THE BEACH HE TOTALLY WRONG,HE SHOULD NOT GO THEIR IN THE FIRST PLACE.I HOPE THE BEST FOR YOU.
DEAR DIANEK YOU CAME HERE WITH SOME QUESTIONS AND YOU GOT YOUR ANSWERS.THE PROBLEM IS THAT YOU WANT US TO PLEASE YOU WITH THE ANSWERS THAT YOU WANT TO HEAR AND THAT IS YOU ARE RIGHT AND HE IS WRONG. BUT THATS NOT THE CASE .WE ARE GUIDED BY THE HOLY QURAN AND THE SAYING OF THE PROPHET MOHAMMAD S.A.W. SOME OF THE ANWERS YOU GOT CAME FROM THIS TWO SOURCES. ABOUT THE BEACH HE TOTALLY WRONG,HE SHOULD NOT GO THEIR IN THE FIRST PLACE.I HOPE THE BEST FOR YOU.
UmmOf3
Junior Member
The ritual prayer has to be done in Arabic, but its not so hard to learn. And while you are learning, you can still read the verses from the Quran in English. Allah knows your intention. To learn to say Allahu Akbar, Subhana rabbial azeem is not so hard, it takes you a day. To learn the verses from the Quran, is harder, but not impossible. Use a sheet of paper to read from at first, and it will be easier and easier, i promisse!
A prayer is never "not accepted" unless there are valid reasons for it, such as drinking alcohol or not being clean ritually, or other reasons, but language is not once mentioned as one of those reasons.
A prayer is never "not accepted" unless there are valid reasons for it, such as drinking alcohol or not being clean ritually, or other reasons, but language is not once mentioned as one of those reasons.
Hello Diane
Sorry, I've just lost the will to read all the posts so I went straight to read yours and then post a response. I may therefore say something that has been said before. It appears you have read EVERYTHING. You sound like a very patient woman indeed.
I guess there are multiple issues with your life and it is not just the difference in religion/way of thinking between you and your husband. You are clearly and overworked mom, with a financial burden and perhaps approaching your midage .... not meaning insult but people tend to look backward at their past life with a lot of nostalgia that may have little to do with reality.
I guess the issues with your husband are not uncommon. I'm a middle easterner myself and living in "The West". People tend to rediscover their identities and hold on to it really strongly when they realise that the presumed "heaven" is not what they thought it is. This again is all natural. Now, your husband is striving to become a "perfect" muslim which is essentially fine. Clearly he sees living in the US and you being a non-muslim preventing him from being so and therefore becoming increasingly frustrated. Please note: it might be that he is pushing you to taste the Islamic life style so that you will hopefully like it or get used to it. While I don't think he is doing this the right way, I have to say his intentions are honourable: he wishes you salvation and you should keep this in mind when you think about it. I personally think that he actually loves you very much but just not putting it across very well. I think he needs to get his priorities right with regards to this matter.
The point about religious festivals is a difficult one. He can't prevent you as a Christian from celebrating Christmas but he should do so for his kids. Kids are very impressionable when young and I think it is right that he should give them a sense of identity especially among an overwhelming Christian society and NOT celebrating Christmas (Holloween is totally pointless fest. IMHO) is part of that. He should -at the same time- acknowledge that the kids should make "silat rahem" (meaning bonding with relatives) with your parents. Perhaps if he visited your parents with the kids on the day before/after Christmas and made several other visits during the year or invited them to your house wuld make up for Christmas day ? Just a thought.
Now the issue about your cloth. If he wants you to dress modestly (I know this word has different interpretations), then this is a sign of LOVE. I know my wife loves it when I insist that she should not dress this and that (not very often) because she sees that as a sign that I care. When going out together, we usually select places where we both can have fun together. I think it is unfair that your husband should take you somewhere where you can't have fun.
You ARE attractive. With 4 kids then you should be. Modesty IS attractive in its own way. Otherwise, it is only one man that matters in the end surely ?
Your prayer (meaning talking to God) will be accepted in any language or even as a thought. Now if do become a muslim and started doing the 5 daily "prayers" (meaning rituals), then there are one paragraph from the Quran that you will have to recite in Arabic because Quran is only Quran in Arabic, otherwise it is just a translation. but dont worry, if you do become a muslim then you will have all the time in the world to master this small paragraph. God will only ask us to do what we can in the end.
Finally, it is not all doom and gloom to have a "fanatic" husband. Be positive, your husband would never get drunk (and beat you or the kids) or take drugs or run away with your neighbour. As a muslim, he is obliged to provide his family as indicated earlier and this is something you can demand.
You sound like a sincere person. I pray you find happiness in this world and the hereafter. BW
Sorry, I've just lost the will to read all the posts so I went straight to read yours and then post a response. I may therefore say something that has been said before. It appears you have read EVERYTHING. You sound like a very patient woman indeed.
I guess there are multiple issues with your life and it is not just the difference in religion/way of thinking between you and your husband. You are clearly and overworked mom, with a financial burden and perhaps approaching your midage .... not meaning insult but people tend to look backward at their past life with a lot of nostalgia that may have little to do with reality.
I guess the issues with your husband are not uncommon. I'm a middle easterner myself and living in "The West". People tend to rediscover their identities and hold on to it really strongly when they realise that the presumed "heaven" is not what they thought it is. This again is all natural. Now, your husband is striving to become a "perfect" muslim which is essentially fine. Clearly he sees living in the US and you being a non-muslim preventing him from being so and therefore becoming increasingly frustrated. Please note: it might be that he is pushing you to taste the Islamic life style so that you will hopefully like it or get used to it. While I don't think he is doing this the right way, I have to say his intentions are honourable: he wishes you salvation and you should keep this in mind when you think about it. I personally think that he actually loves you very much but just not putting it across very well. I think he needs to get his priorities right with regards to this matter.
The point about religious festivals is a difficult one. He can't prevent you as a Christian from celebrating Christmas but he should do so for his kids. Kids are very impressionable when young and I think it is right that he should give them a sense of identity especially among an overwhelming Christian society and NOT celebrating Christmas (Holloween is totally pointless fest. IMHO) is part of that. He should -at the same time- acknowledge that the kids should make "silat rahem" (meaning bonding with relatives) with your parents. Perhaps if he visited your parents with the kids on the day before/after Christmas and made several other visits during the year or invited them to your house wuld make up for Christmas day ? Just a thought.
Now the issue about your cloth. If he wants you to dress modestly (I know this word has different interpretations), then this is a sign of LOVE. I know my wife loves it when I insist that she should not dress this and that (not very often) because she sees that as a sign that I care. When going out together, we usually select places where we both can have fun together. I think it is unfair that your husband should take you somewhere where you can't have fun.
You ARE attractive. With 4 kids then you should be
. Modesty IS attractive in its own way. Otherwise, it is only one man that matters in the end surely ?Your prayer (meaning talking to God) will be accepted in any language or even as a thought. Now if do become a muslim and started doing the 5 daily "prayers" (meaning rituals), then there are one paragraph from the Quran that you will have to recite in Arabic because Quran is only Quran in Arabic, otherwise it is just a translation. but dont worry, if you do become a muslim then you will have all the time in the world to master this small paragraph. God will only ask us to do what we can in the end.
Finally, it is not all doom and gloom to have a "fanatic" husband. Be positive, your husband would never get drunk (and beat you or the kids) or take drugs or run away with your neighbour. As a muslim, he is obliged to provide his family as indicated earlier and this is something you can demand.
You sound like a sincere person. I pray you find happiness in this world and the hereafter. BW
dianek
Junior Member
He doesn't have to be drunk to threaten me. He does so often if he does not like my words. I am 32, no where near midlife....I HOPE. Yes I am overworked and feel very unappreciated. I guess I don't see him making suggestions as a way of showing love but more so as a sign of controlliing me. I am just to the point that I can't bare it any longer.....something has to give. I PRAY EVERY NIGHT for answers, I sincerely do. But nothing every changes or is my "AHA" moment as Oprah would say. I am just so lost and desparate. And maybe I do sort of feel like the sand is running out. I do miss my life before. I miss enjoyment and excitement. Now, everyday is the same as the day before and before that.
God bless you all! I am going to go to bed and pray again.....wonder if he is giong to grant me the answer this time.......(I can hear you "Astuffrala!") I am working on it.........Good night All!
God bless you all! I am going to go to bed and pray again.....wonder if he is giong to grant me the answer this time.......(I can hear you "Astuffrala!") I am working on it.........Good night All!
AZAM_SIDDIQUI
Junior Member
.
God bless you all! I am going to go to bed and pray again.....wonder if he is giong to grant me the answer this time.......(I can hear you "Astuffrala!") I am working on it.........Good night All![/QUOTE]
see ur likin music and all,well my mother likes it too and it pained me much ,but realizing that many rights from islam were not availableto her, like she also gotwork, i feel sorry not ok.i tell u why bcoz music diverts our attention from God to something more ridiculous than reality no matter how bad reality is,if anythings going to improve its gonna happen in real life inshallah,not in fantasy thats where music takes us,in a make believe world where everytnings absoluely stunning.if that was true the life of the singers like britney and all wudnt be such hell.they have all the enjoyment u are referring to, all the pleasure ,but youll agree that you with your messy life have much more respect in my and probably our own eyes..
the age you are at is the time people start searching for answers cause they have in all probability lived half their life.and to avoid the hard questions they look in the past.i should know i do that..
atleast you are asking GOD to help you.
but "WE do not change the condition of a people unless they change their hearts" as in their should be no resistance to the Word of GOD.
first comes belief then results.yes.:tti_sister:
God bless you all! I am going to go to bed and pray again.....wonder if he is giong to grant me the answer this time.......(I can hear you "Astuffrala!") I am working on it.........Good night All![/QUOTE]
see ur likin music and all,well my mother likes it too and it pained me much ,but realizing that many rights from islam were not availableto her, like she also gotwork, i feel sorry not ok.i tell u why bcoz music diverts our attention from God to something more ridiculous than reality no matter how bad reality is,if anythings going to improve its gonna happen in real life inshallah,not in fantasy thats where music takes us,in a make believe world where everytnings absoluely stunning.if that was true the life of the singers like britney and all wudnt be such hell.they have all the enjoyment u are referring to, all the pleasure ,but youll agree that you with your messy life have much more respect in my and probably our own eyes..
the age you are at is the time people start searching for answers cause they have in all probability lived half their life.and to avoid the hard questions they look in the past.i should know i do that..
atleast you are asking GOD to help you.
but "WE do not change the condition of a people unless they change their hearts" as in their should be no resistance to the Word of GOD.
first comes belief then results.yes.:tti_sister:
Peace
Dear Dianne,
Your questions and discussions reallly struck a cord with me. I am pleased to see so many lovely replies to your question and hope you have found it useful.
I also come from a non-muslim family and am near the beginning of my journey into Islam and so have thought about a number of these issues that you have brought up. I do not profess myself to be anywhere near well read enough in Islam to quote anything (!) but I just wanted to make a couple of observations and suggestions.
The main comment I want to make is this:
I think you need to try and seperate out the two issues that you are struggling with at the moment - one being your search for understanding of Islam and the other being your relationship with your husband. Any religion should be examined on the basis of itself, not on what one or two of it's followers say. It does not sound like your husband has always had a particularly balanced view of Islam, considering that a few years ago he was going out and taking drugs and womanising! Try to explore Islam for the sake of Islam and for yourself, rather than doing it for him. It may be that one day you end up teaching him a lot about Islam and how to be a better Muslim!
Secondly, please TRY to put aside your judgements and preconceptions about Islam (all of the stuff you've written about the loud Imams, Hijabs, Terrorists etc) and look at Islam for its beauty. Try not to study it for its rules but rather for the faith. If you were looking into another faith, like Catholicism you would not start by learning all the rules of what you mustn't do - you would start by trying to understand the Theology. It is the same in Islam.
Essentially you can debate backwards and forwards until you are blue in the face about what you should wear etc but it is all secondary - none of the arguement makes any difference unless you truely believe. This is why it is called 'faith'. You also wouldn't start judging Christianity based on one or two Christians. I've certainly been aware of some Christian's doing some pretty awful things and treating their families badly! Please don't judge Islam on these superficial things either.
Thirdly, I think you need to talk to your husband, honestly about how he is treating you and how you are feeling. You need to understand where each other are coming from and particularly he needs to understand that you are so unhappy. Regarding the specific problems like the beach - I really wonder whether as a 'good muslim man' he should really be going to the beach to look at scantily clad women anyway... You need to try to explain to him, in a non confronational way, that you feel that these rules are one sided and hypocritical (maybe find a nicer word than that though!)
I think you need to work out what you want. Try to explore your own faith, with the veils of prejudice removed. I know you say that you do, but the biggest piece of advice I can give you Dianne is to pray to God. Ask God for guidance and to help you find the right path.
I used to feel in a similar situation to you and also struggled and became resistant to what I felt was being 'told' what to do. This changed when I found my own faith. I still stand up for myself 100% if a man tells me what to do - but I use God and prayer to find the right thing to do. Give yourself some time to talk honestly with God about your life. It sounds as though you are struggling in quite areas and probably could do with some support and guidance. The first time that I made Salaah and Dua, having been through some hard times myself, I cried, from the relief and happiness of being able to 'talk' to God and feeling as though I was being guided.
The last point I want to make for now is just about you commentinh that Christianity is a religion of love whereas Islam is not. This shows to me what a skewed perception of Islam you have gotten so far. Islam is a religion that teaches love, charity and peace. The muslims who I have come to know over the past 2 years have had the most wonderful open hearts that I know of. They are the kind of people who would do anything for you and expect nothing in return. They have made me feel so welcome and not judged (despite the fact that I am still working my way through my own journey).
Take care,
Michelle
Dear Dianne,
Your questions and discussions reallly struck a cord with me. I am pleased to see so many lovely replies to your question and hope you have found it useful.
I also come from a non-muslim family and am near the beginning of my journey into Islam and so have thought about a number of these issues that you have brought up. I do not profess myself to be anywhere near well read enough in Islam to quote anything (!) but I just wanted to make a couple of observations and suggestions.
The main comment I want to make is this:
I think you need to try and seperate out the two issues that you are struggling with at the moment - one being your search for understanding of Islam and the other being your relationship with your husband. Any religion should be examined on the basis of itself, not on what one or two of it's followers say. It does not sound like your husband has always had a particularly balanced view of Islam, considering that a few years ago he was going out and taking drugs and womanising! Try to explore Islam for the sake of Islam and for yourself, rather than doing it for him. It may be that one day you end up teaching him a lot about Islam and how to be a better Muslim!
Secondly, please TRY to put aside your judgements and preconceptions about Islam (all of the stuff you've written about the loud Imams, Hijabs, Terrorists etc) and look at Islam for its beauty. Try not to study it for its rules but rather for the faith. If you were looking into another faith, like Catholicism you would not start by learning all the rules of what you mustn't do - you would start by trying to understand the Theology. It is the same in Islam.
Essentially you can debate backwards and forwards until you are blue in the face about what you should wear etc but it is all secondary - none of the arguement makes any difference unless you truely believe. This is why it is called 'faith'. You also wouldn't start judging Christianity based on one or two Christians. I've certainly been aware of some Christian's doing some pretty awful things and treating their families badly! Please don't judge Islam on these superficial things either.
Thirdly, I think you need to talk to your husband, honestly about how he is treating you and how you are feeling. You need to understand where each other are coming from and particularly he needs to understand that you are so unhappy. Regarding the specific problems like the beach - I really wonder whether as a 'good muslim man' he should really be going to the beach to look at scantily clad women anyway... You need to try to explain to him, in a non confronational way, that you feel that these rules are one sided and hypocritical (maybe find a nicer word than that though!)
I think you need to work out what you want. Try to explore your own faith, with the veils of prejudice removed. I know you say that you do, but the biggest piece of advice I can give you Dianne is to pray to God. Ask God for guidance and to help you find the right path.
I used to feel in a similar situation to you and also struggled and became resistant to what I felt was being 'told' what to do. This changed when I found my own faith. I still stand up for myself 100% if a man tells me what to do - but I use God and prayer to find the right thing to do. Give yourself some time to talk honestly with God about your life. It sounds as though you are struggling in quite areas and probably could do with some support and guidance. The first time that I made Salaah and Dua, having been through some hard times myself, I cried, from the relief and happiness of being able to 'talk' to God and feeling as though I was being guided.
The last point I want to make for now is just about you commentinh that Christianity is a religion of love whereas Islam is not. This shows to me what a skewed perception of Islam you have gotten so far. Islam is a religion that teaches love, charity and peace. The muslims who I have come to know over the past 2 years have had the most wonderful open hearts that I know of. They are the kind of people who would do anything for you and expect nothing in return. They have made me feel so welcome and not judged (despite the fact that I am still working my way through my own journey).
Take care,
Michelle
Hello Diane
Couple of good replies there ... not much more for me to say really.
Dear Diane, you have already made certain choices in your life which are irreversible (i.e. being a mother of 4). You perhaps feel very young but find that your responsibilities are preventing you from doing what you used to do. You perhaps see women of similar age and leading a presumed much happier life because "they can do what they want" ... etc. This might be creating a sense of frustration for you. I guess the key to solve this is to look positively at your choices and learn to enjoy them. Your life is actually full of excitement. Your kids are going older everyday and there are many people in the world that would give anything for such a blessing. Modern societies does not value motherhood enough (especially if the mother is not working) and this is sad. Please do not let this make you undervalue yourself. My mom had me when she was 17. By your age she had 6 sons & daughters. She stopped school at 15 and never worked but now we are all grown ups she is our rock and great source of happiness and comfort for us. We ARE VERY PROUD of her.
Back to your husband. From my experience with a close relative I think that he might be feeling threatened. He might be frustrated with himself because he is not living up to his expectations (e.g. he is not earning enough money to make you not needing to work). He might see the fact that you are still a non-muslim as a failure on his part. You are a strong woman with an independant mind and maybe being a bit confrontational (e.g. you do not want him to know you are researching about Islam JUST so you do not make him happy!). All this may not be helping his insecurities. Please note that all this does not mean he does not love you, quite the oposite. The effect of you -women- on us *poor* men is usually hugely under-estimated. Maybe if you used a softer approach you will find that all you want will come by very easily. Many times a *weak* woman is many times stronger than a *strong* one ... if you see what I mean.
All these are just thoughts. I guess you need to speak to your husband in the right time and circumstances and try to explore the issues. I pray sincerely that God will lead you to what is best.
BW
Couple of good replies there ... not much more for me to say really.
Dear Diane, you have already made certain choices in your life which are irreversible (i.e. being a mother of 4). You perhaps feel very young but find that your responsibilities are preventing you from doing what you used to do. You perhaps see women of similar age and leading a presumed much happier life because "they can do what they want" ... etc. This might be creating a sense of frustration for you. I guess the key to solve this is to look positively at your choices and learn to enjoy them. Your life is actually full of excitement. Your kids are going older everyday and there are many people in the world that would give anything for such a blessing. Modern societies does not value motherhood enough (especially if the mother is not working) and this is sad. Please do not let this make you undervalue yourself. My mom had me when she was 17. By your age she had 6 sons & daughters. She stopped school at 15 and never worked but now we are all grown ups she is our rock and great source of happiness and comfort for us. We ARE VERY PROUD of her.
Back to your husband. From my experience with a close relative I think that he might be feeling threatened. He might be frustrated with himself because he is not living up to his expectations (e.g. he is not earning enough money to make you not needing to work). He might see the fact that you are still a non-muslim as a failure on his part. You are a strong woman with an independant mind and maybe being a bit confrontational (e.g. you do not want him to know you are researching about Islam JUST so you do not make him happy!). All this may not be helping his insecurities. Please note that all this does not mean he does not love you, quite the oposite. The effect of you -women- on us *poor* men is usually hugely under-estimated. Maybe if you used a softer approach you will find that all you want will come by very easily. Many times a *weak* woman is many times stronger than a *strong* one ... if you see what I mean.
All these are just thoughts. I guess you need to speak to your husband in the right time and circumstances and try to explore the issues. I pray sincerely that God will lead you to what is best.
BW
dianek
Junior Member
I guess I do look around and see my contemporaries, even those with 4 and 5 kids, able to get more enjoyment out of life. I love my kids, but I do resent being the one dealing with all the work and he takes all the joys. I want to enjoy the everyday joys of my babies.....but alas......duty calls......and since I get no help, I have to do them. I don't know who I am as I am not provided an opportunity to even breathe. I am in this forum only during working hours generally....so not being the best employee....Hee Hee! I am in Info Technology, so they expect me on the internet. But you are right, in that I need to separate him and Islam. But you have to know he is my only example. Last night he and I had a long talk....I did tell him about my conversations on this site. He wants me to STOP using this forum. Because I should not take advice on Islam from anyone BUT an Imam or scholar. I say this as an example to you that my little steps to him are ignored and expected me to go straight to an Imam. But the most questions I want answered, experiences from other converts who were like me, I can't get answers on from an Imam. They can't know how it feels to turn your back on every thing you have ever known. However, on the upside, he broke and showed me his heart last night, which was nice. He cried so I know he is sincere in his actions. So, I will continue here as I am very much enjoying and learning from you all.
abdellah007
Junior Member
salam
yes it would be better to go to an imam. but i see that ur husband needs also to see an imam. well in this website we dont give fatwas from ourselves. all from the holy QURAN and THE HADEETHS. but here u can share stories with other members especialy with converts which an imam couldnt share with you.
keep visiting this wonderful website and am sure u would learn alot from it.and i hope ur husband will join us here too.
yes it would be better to go to an imam. but i see that ur husband needs also to see an imam. well in this website we dont give fatwas from ourselves. all from the holy QURAN and THE HADEETHS. but here u can share stories with other members especialy with converts which an imam couldnt share with you.
keep visiting this wonderful website and am sure u would learn alot from it.and i hope ur husband will join us here too.
Dhikr Allah
New Member
Hope it helps
Greetings and peace to you,
It is obviously hard to be in a inter-religion marriage, but this is something that you would have accepted before the marriage. You seem to have quite a few responses already so I will try not to get into a lengthy reply. I would like to answer just regarding the question you have regarding christmas, as muslims we are not even allowed to acknowledge nor wish anyone a merry christmas a it is not a holiday or day that we believe in, therefore for us to acknowledge it would mean that we believe in it which we don't. There are only two Eids' that we celebrate and they are Eid il fitr and Eid el adha which have religious meanings to them. The only reason I know of this is due to myself being an Australian when it came to christmas time many people would always say merry christmas and I wasn't sure how to respond, until I found am islamic fatwa explaining the wrong in even replying merry christmas.
There are obviously many changes that need to be worked on between your husband and yourself but you will find there is wisdom behind it all.
Take care and I hope this was useful to you.
Warm regards
:muslim_child:
Greetings and peace to you,
It is obviously hard to be in a inter-religion marriage, but this is something that you would have accepted before the marriage. You seem to have quite a few responses already so I will try not to get into a lengthy reply. I would like to answer just regarding the question you have regarding christmas, as muslims we are not even allowed to acknowledge nor wish anyone a merry christmas a it is not a holiday or day that we believe in, therefore for us to acknowledge it would mean that we believe in it which we don't. There are only two Eids' that we celebrate and they are Eid il fitr and Eid el adha which have religious meanings to them. The only reason I know of this is due to myself being an Australian when it came to christmas time many people would always say merry christmas and I wasn't sure how to respond, until I found am islamic fatwa explaining the wrong in even replying merry christmas.
There are obviously many changes that need to be worked on between your husband and yourself but you will find there is wisdom behind it all.
Take care and I hope this was useful to you.
Warm regards
:muslim_child: