finding marriage remains difficult

[nyerekareem]

:salam2:
anyone who knows me, knows that for some time i have been in search of a wife. that search has taken place at masjids, the internet, run ins at stores and shopping malls. each search has not led to marriage.

there are three factors that i definitely know why marriage may be elusive for me. so i will state them and build on from there.

1. although i consider myself to be good looking, the fact that i am overweight may cause some women to not find me desirable even if i have a handsome face. that aspect of my life needs to be improved and i am working on it.

2. even though that many muslims claim that islam isn’t racist, many muslims tend to be racist. which means that a pious muslim brother may be denied a woman’s hand in marriage solely due to their race. this happens even though the Prophet (SAWS) spoke about the equality of man and the dangers of racism. sadly, i have been a victim of this type of racism.

3. the next reason is really the saddest part for me. my inability after all of this time to make muslim friends has had a great effect on me. i have never been able to connect with my muslim brothers past the lineups for the salat. many times the only time that i am given a salaam is during the taslim, and sometimes that doesn’t even happen. this inability to make friends at the masjid has taken away my opportunity to network. to ask around if their are any sisters seeking marriage etc. it has also made me hesitant to even ask because if the people aren’t even willing to say AS SALAAM ALAYKUM what would make me think that they would give their daughter’s,sister’s niece's hand in marriage?

THE INTERNET

the internet is pretty much where i have been doing a great deal of my searching. and in this search i have been very troubled. i am familiar of the hadith that says if a man finds one bad quality in his wife, she would have a good quality to replace the bad one. i believe that saying is true, but what if there are 10 bad qualities? my happiness is also important.

so i began searching on myspace, because almost everyone has a myspace page, including muslims. i couldn’t believe some of the things that some of the sisters are doing on that website!!! if their parents had seen the things, they’d have a heart attack. they’re wearing makeup, rap music playing in the profile, some have taken off their hijabs, have boyfriends their parents don’t even know about. it’s unbelievable. i made my search pretty much for the region that i am living in and there were about 300-450 women that i searched and only about 10 of them were truly living an islamic life. sadly, the few hundred that weren’t living islam have fallen into the american traps.

i also went to islamic marriage sites. i want to state very clearly that if a muslim woman isn’t wearing hijab, i automatically rule her out. i tell you the truth, i can count on my hands as to how many sisters actually wore hijab. they were showing cleavage, low skirts and shorts etc. i asked myself: they’re muslim? it was so discouraging and disappointing beyond words. i was more angry at the people running these sites more than anything, because they were not being run according to islamic standards.

i have always been good in maintaining sabr, but it’s running out for me. the fasting, lowering gaze, trying to master my hormones, and trying to keep myself from falling into a sinful relationship or encounter. it’s becoming harder and harder to do. i’ve become jealous of others that are married and have children. especially those muslims that i know aren’t practicing the deen. i’ve been doing everything right and i can’t get what i want. it’s becoming unbearable and i don’t really know what to do anymore. maybe i should just give up on the whole idea. i’ll just have to settle with being an uncle or just accept that marriage isn’t something that ALLAH SWT has planned for me.

nyerekareem

 

[Amir_of_spain]

Asalam wailkium brother.

I am in a similar situation as you are in. However, for me the sole factor has been financial. I've been searching for a job (post qualification) and have been unsucessful for a long time. If my money situation was sorted, i would have been married ages ago, ive actually had to pass away some good practising muslimahs because of lack of financial stability, either way, my end result has been the same as yours, ie unsuccessful in getting married.

Similar to you, in the last 2 years ive also gradually become ill hearted, getting jealous of others, the worse thing of all, probably the hardest, is that i know i could easily get a girlfriend tommorow if i wanted to, and show off. However, something inside me says, you cant choose this route, its not possible to both do salah and read quran whilst also having a secret girlfriend which of course would involve physical contact, you cant live a double life like this. So ive had to wage jihad against my nafs, which has been enourmously difficult, ive also have realised and come to accept its one of the greatest test of my life, everyone has a specific hard test, this one of desires seems to be mine.

So i can do nothing but have patience in salah and quran, and this is what you must do aswell, and we gotta see it through to the end, even if it means we suffer or become sad. Inshallah god will forgive us and compensate us for something which is better, i just hope and pray to allah that he accepts our weak/broken/half-hearted deeds of restraint.

From a brother to another brother, i say to you dont let it make your heart bitter, and realise others are going through a similar or harder test, and inshallah u will find someone soon, your good deeds will never go to waste. May god preserve you.

 

[AdamMuslim]

Salam,
A good wife is one of the greatest rewards in this life.
I know it is hard to find the good person but be patient.
This is what I'm actually doing .

 

[saffanah]

Assalamualaikum
Life is full of tests brother...Allah SWT said:

"Do men think that they will be left alone on saying "We believe", and that they will not be tested? " (QS.Al Ankabut: 2)

The problem that you are facing now is a part of the tests that Allah SWT gives to us, that He'll find out who is the patient one and who is not.
And what we may think something is bad, in fact it is good in the view of Allah.
I have a friend that faced the same problem as you do, but she's so tawakkal and gave it up to Allah, then in one day finally she met her husband now.
So, be patient, brother.....it is a test from Alloh for your own goodness.

"Allah puts no burden on any person beyond what He has given him. After a difficulty, Allah will soon grant relief. " (QS. At Tholaq:7)

Barakallahu fik...

 

[summertime]

Salam brother,

I dont know the full situation or the complete story...so please please forgive me if im wrong in saying this coz i might be...maybe your being too picky????

 

[faithzilla]

Assalamualaikum

I also have the same situations as yours. My friend suggest me to take wife from muslim countries and bring her to australia. Although I to have think about it but he got point. maybe you should consider take a long holiday to muslim countries, teaching english in one or two years while searching for pious girl.

 

[nyerekareem]

Salam brother,

I dont know the full situation or the complete story...so please please forgive me if im wrong in saying this coz i might be...maybe your being too picky????

:salam2:

i'm not being too picky, a woman and her wali have their expectations as far as a male suitor is concerned. i too have a right to want to find a wife that is pleasing to me. but my post was really about how some have made marriage so difficult for brothers that are seriously seeking marriage. race has disqualified them, finance, nationality, citizenship status etc. i have never been picky about women, but i do want them to stick to the fundamentals of islam. who wants a wife that while he's praying she's watching TV? he's fasting and she's eating ice cream? there are countless women right here on TTI that tell their stories of how they have been duped by their husbands. thinking they feared ALLAH SWT but as soon as the honeymoon was over, the husband stopped praying, fasting and even abused them. i just don't want a wife where the two of us live our lives in a different direction.

 

[servent of Allah]

Servant Of Allah

Inshallah Allah will send you sameone like you inshallah, Narrated Aboo Hurayrah: The Messenger of Allah(PBUH)said:"A woman is married for four things:Her Wealth,her family status,her beauty and her Religion.. The Prophet(PBUH)encouraged Muslims to prefer the pious women,bcoz this quality of piety will make her obedient to the commands of Allah and dutiful to her husband...(saheeh al-Bukhaaree vol 7 p18-19 no27) (Saheeh Muslim vol 2 p 749 no 3457) and Sunan Abee Daawood vol p 544-5 no 2042..

 

[lostlilly07]

:
1. although i consider myself to be good looking, the fact that i am overweight may cause some women to not find me desirable even if i have a handsome face. that aspect of my life needs to be improved and i am working on it.

wa alaikum salaam

Its kinda of funny well not funny but humorous I guess that you have been pick over because of a litttle extra weight and I, myself have been pick over because I am "under weight/skinny" even though my doctors tell me repeatedly that I am average weight. Whats also funny is that brothers often tell me that I am pious ....but say they want a thick wife. so now I have put a pause on marriage ideas untill skinny girls come back in style

but like all of us, brother keep faith in Allah and be patient someone will come soon. Maybe you will meet her tomorrow.

 

[nyerekareem]

wa alaikum salaam

Its kinda of funny well not funny but humorous I guess that you have been pick over because of a litttle extra weight and I, myself have been pick over because I am "under weight/skinny" even though my doctors tell me repeatedly that I am average weight. Whats also funny is that brothers often tell me that I am pious ....but say they want a thick wife. so now I have put a pause on marriage ideas untill skinny girls come back in style

but like all of us, brother keep faith in Allah and be patient someone will come soon. Maybe you will meet her tomorrow.

:salam2:

they actually said that they wanted a " thick " wife? i think i know what they're really interested in lol. i'm not particular about a woman's weight, but i do feel weird eating in front of extremely thin women. i'm like, do i offer her something? i just feel like i'm a hog or something, but i'd be a phoney if i ordered a salad lol.

 

[palestine]

asalamu alaykum. firstly i was of the few who responded to many of your posts about marriage. as i have told you before a woman is not worthy of having a man like you if they can't accept you for who YOU ARE, not for what THEY WANT YOU TO BE. i know that it is hard not being married, or not finding a wife- but remember there may be one in your future. it's not as if you have died man, come on. and if there is not one in your future- then it isn't meant to be. although islam says racism is not allowed most mulsims tend to be racists but remember YOU must try to break the cycle of hate. i'm looking to marry outside of my race, because i want the world to know that we can break the cycle of hate. as for having friends- did you ever try talking to people besides saying salam? have YOU actually tried to start a conversation instead of them coming to you. do you know how i made my friends- i'm ALWAYS the one to speak to them otherwise we would never be friends. if you're confident with your looks, then you don't need the opinion of another person. if you're concerned about overweight- then try to excercise daily. this is actually quite funny what i'm about to say next- there is this guy who's my neighbor and i like him but there is no point in liking him cause i won't ever tell him anyways. he doesn't know. we're different races, so i keep thinking to myself forget about him, you will never be able to marry him, then i think again and say to myself wait: Allah makes the impossible possible. he split the moon in two, he's taken the messenger to the heavens, something as simple as this he can handle of course. so you see i still have my hopes. don't search too much but let it come to you. and hey, YOU...SHOULD START CONVERSATIONS FOR PEOPLE so that they will feel comfortable and know you better otherwise they will never know who you are or what kind of person you are. seriously do it and see for yourself and don't be shy to do it. honestly. as for you dear sis lostlilly- i'm also very skinny, bony is what they call me. if brothers want a "thick" girl let them. but don't ever give in to their stupidity. you are YOU, that's what makes you beautiful- WHO YOU ARE. ok. they ain't got no booty to see, so tell them this is me. like it or not- i'm ME. ok dear sis. Love ya asalamu alaykum.

 

[nyerekareem]

Assalamualaikum

I also have the same situations as yours. My friend suggest me to take wife from muslim countries and bring her to australia. Although I to have think about it but he got point. maybe you should consider take a long holiday to muslim countries, teaching english in one or two years while searching for pious girl.

:salam2:

i have thought about going to visit a muslim country in order to find a wife, but my experience here in the STATES has gotten me a bit discouraged in doing so. i mean, i'm afraid that i'll be used for my citizenship status. it happens very often to people, especially reverts such as myself. i just don't want my family saying: see we told you so! another thing is that my experience at the masjid hasn't really been a good one. what i mean is that many people have ignored me at my masjid, in my heart i know it's because of my skin color. most of these people are foreign born, so i'm like if they're not going to be friendly to me here in my own country, i have no hope over there in their own country. i'm hoping that i can find someone with a similar ethnic identity as myself.

 

[Salika]

:salam2:
Brother, you keep mentioning that people are racist against you. What is your ethnicity anyways?

 

[muslimad]

:salam2:

sorry to hear that your search hasnt been going so well brother.
remain patient and inshALLAH the right muslimah will come along.

 

[warda A]

:salam2:

Dear Brother, in your other posts i asked if you could get in touch with sheikh Mohammed Salah of Huda TV, actually he resides in America.
Try their website: www.hudatv.com
He has helped many people get married.

How about changing masjids?, do you have sisters (your siblings)? they might know someone.
And you are probably shy that is why it is difficult to start conversations.
You say it might because of skin color, but maybe YOU put it in your head that because of your color then you can not make friends.
Try speaking to the imam and if there is no help there check another masjid, iam sure not everyone in the masjid can ignore you.
How about out of masjid? you have no people you could talk to?, How about your father?

But best of all patience is the key, something good comes when you least expect it.
if you have given it your all, then just get it out if your mind and it will come when you least expect it.
Inshalla your duas will be answered Ameen

 

[Bawar]

Assalamu alaikum brother!

I know what you are saying is true. Racism does exist among muslims.
Even the born muslims are racist towards eachother.
Turks, Arabs, Persians, Afghans, Pakistanis....and there are so many other un-islamic issues among muslims that need fixing.

If muslims followed islam in a true meaning, there would not be so many problems in the muslim world today.

We are all responsible to correct what is incorrect or at least try. I think pointing out our mistakes is first step towards doing so which you have rightly done.

Islam has made marriage so simple, yet there are many muslim men and women who are suffering from being single. It is saddening.

I got married at the age of 17 and it was my parents' decision to do so.
So i never went through the trials of being unmarried or the process of finding myself a wife.
There was an element of culture involved in my marriage too.

Eventhough I have been generally happy being married, I realised later in life that it would have been much better if I were single for some years and then looked for the one who would be my ideal.

Reading posts such as yours make me think again that it was great my parents made that decision for me.

May Allah make it easy for you all to find the best spouses for yourselves. Ameen

 

[summertime]

:salam2:

i'm not being too picky, a woman and her wali have their expectations as far as a male suitor is concerned. i too have a right to want to find a wife that is pleasing to me. but my post was really about how some have made marriage so difficult for brothers that are seriously seeking marriage. race has disqualified them, finance, nationality, citizenship status etc. i have never been picky about women, but i do want them to stick to the fundamentals of islam. who wants a wife that while he's praying she's watching TV? he's fasting and she's eating ice cream? there are countless women right here on TTI that tell their stories of how they have been duped by their husbands. thinking they feared ALLAH SWT but as soon as the honeymoon was over, the husband stopped praying, fasting and even abused them. i just don't want a wife where the two of us live our lives in a different direction.

Sorry..thats why i apologised in advance...It's just that people tell me im too picky ..so i thought maybe they might be right...but i guess they are'nt...we should stick to what it is we want( in terms of piety) from our future spouse...and not settle for anything less...

 

[lostlilly07]

wa alaikum salaam

First all racist is going to exist forever especially since you live in the United States and that is what this country is built on ...taking over other people base on race. So for that reason race will always be a prevalent issue but if you were to go to say Canada trust me bro that country's founding is different from U.S. even when i went to Morocco the people were very welcome to my skin color and I am proud I am a black/african american born in america not from Africa even though I am frequently ask where am i from do to my hijab. the Moroccans thought i was from Africa and Americans think i am from either Africa or middle east. But like i said when i was in Morocco, i felt no racism from them ...the people were so friendly...there so many opportunities i felt the Moroccans could have taken advantage of me for not speaking fluent french but didn't. So my advice would be either go to a different state, a different Masjid or what not

I mean you live in New Jersey....NY is filled with Muslims, Pennslyvania is filled with muslims. Funny thing, When i was Virginia there were like plenty of sisters who wanted a husband (including myself) and here I am finding a lot of brothers who want to get married. Why can't we all just find each other. Allah Alim

 

[nyerekareem]

asalamu alaykum. firstly i was of the few who responded to many of your posts about marriage. as i have told you before a woman is not worthy of having a man like you if they can't accept you for who YOU ARE, not for what THEY WANT YOU TO BE. i know that it is hard not being married, or not finding a wife- but remember there may be one in your future. it's not as if you have died man, come on. and if there is not one in your future- then it isn't meant to be. although islam says racism is not allowed most mulsims tend to be racists but remember YOU must try to break the cycle of hate. i'm looking to marry outside of my race, because i want the world to know that we can break the cycle of hate. as for having friends- did you ever try talking to people besides saying salam? have YOU actually tried to start a conversation instead of them coming to you. do you know how i made my friends- i'm ALWAYS the one to speak to them otherwise we would never be friends. if you're confident with your looks, then you don't need the opinion of another person. if you're concerned about overweight- then try to excercise daily. this is actually quite funny what i'm about to say next- there is this guy who's my neighbor and i like him but there is no point in liking him cause i won't ever tell him anyways. he doesn't know. we're different races, so i keep thinking to myself forget about him, you will never be able to marry him, then i think again and say to myself wait: Allah makes the impossible possible. he split the moon in two, he's taken the messenger to the heavens, something as simple as this he can handle of course. so you see i still have my hopes. don't search too much but let it come to you. and hey, YOU...SHOULD START CONVERSATIONS FOR PEOPLE so that they will feel comfortable and know you better otherwise they will never know who you are or what kind of person you are. seriously do it and see for yourself and don't be shy to do it. honestly. as for you dear sis lostlilly- i'm also very skinny, bony is what they call me. if brothers want a "thick" girl let them. but don't ever give in to their stupidity. you are YOU, that's what makes you beautiful- WHO YOU ARE. ok. they ain't got no booty to see, so tell them this is me. like it or not- i'm ME. ok dear sis. Love ya asalamu alaykum.

:salam2:

i've tried to start conversations with people but they brush me off as if they have somewhere very important to go. another thing that i didn'tmention is that there are great age differences at my masjid. it seems as if you are either very old or very young, no in between. i'm too old to hang out with a bunch of 15 year olds, yet i'm probably too young to hang with the 70 year olds. there is no middle age group really.

thank you for your kind words btw

 

[nyerekareem]

:salam2:

Dear Brother, in your other posts i asked if you could get in touch with sheikh Mohammed Salah of Huda TV, actually he resides in America.
Try their website: www.hudatv.com
He has helped many people get married.

How about changing masjids?, do you have sisters (your siblings)? they might know someone.
And you are probably shy that is why it is difficult to start conversations.
You say it might because of skin color, but maybe YOU put it in your head that because of your color then you can not make friends.
Try speaking to the imam and if there is no help there check another masjid, iam sure not everyone in the masjid can ignore you.
How about out of masjid? you have no people you could talk to?, How about your father?

But best of all patience is the key, something good comes when you least expect it.
if you have given it your all, then just get it out if your mind and it will come when you least expect it.
Inshalla your duas will be answered Ameen

:salam2:

i tried hudatv before but it gave me some us govt type of website lol. i have thought about changing masjid but the other ones that i know are far away, which makes performing jummah difficult. as far as having people to talk to, i really don't have anybody that i can talk to. i'm the youngest and i'm treated like the baby and no one takes me seriously. i have lost contact with my father for almost 10 years now. i wish i could talk to him.