My Long Journey to Embracing True Islam
Bismillah al-Rahman al-Raheem
I had many Muslim friends throughout my life, living here in the DC area. So I often asked questions of them about the religion and Ramadan, hijab, etc. I was raised as a Christian, but really only attended church during Christmas and Easter or when visiting friends or relatives.
During Ramadan 2001 a coworker, a kind Palestinian-born brother, was fasting and praying, and seemed so happy even when our company was in bankruptcy and we were going to lose our jobs any day. I asked him in detail about Islam and Ramadan. He was so helpful and talked with me often about the religion and sent me many PowerPoint about Ramadan and Islam. His efforts were so beneficial to increasing my understanding of Islam. From that point, my curiosity only grew.
By 2002 I was engaged to a Moroccan brother. I was able to talk to him about Islam, saw him pray, and also talk to his roommates and friends about Islam. By that time I had given up my prior career and returned to University to finish my degree in Nursing. I took a world religions class and became even further drawn to Islam. It seemed to fit with all the beliefs I had already, and answered so many of the questions I also had about my life. Around the same time my fiancé was not an exemplary Muslim but he did have some times where he tried to be. I also noticed that when he prayed the 5 times a day, and during Ramadan especially that he was a much kinder person, more at peace. One of his roommates was very pious and a really good brother. He was an example for me of the way we should behave, and treat others. During that first Ramadan, the second roommate, gave me a Quran with Arabic and the English translation. It was so special for me and began reading right away. I also watched "the message" with them on ART. The story of Prophet Muhammad's (pbuh) life and the beginnings of Islam really touched me.
Shortly after Ramadan I found myself really struggling with life. I wanted something better for my life and my son, yet I was starting to develop clinical depression, and found it difficult to feel much joy anymore. (Upon reflection, some of that was made worse because my fiancé was really condescending and acted as though I was below him and he didn’t trust me. He never explained the precautions and guidelines given in Islam to protect women.) Mostly his actions were just his cultural beleifs rather than Islam, and his own jealousy, but it truly scarred me.
Out of my own curiosity, and despair for answers, and need to find a research topic that really interested me and would benefit my life, I conducted research about women's rights and roles in Islam. This was in spring 2003. I used many helpful books on the subject, the Quran itself, and requested information or contacts from knowledgeable sisters for interviews from a demonstration table at school on Islam and from Islamicity dot com. The interviews were the most helpful of all for my research and eventual reversion to Islam.
Islamicity dot com sent me the number of a dear sister in my area from Turkey, who really gave me a wonderful image of the ideal muslimah. She felt Islam gave her everything she could want, and she was really fulfilled. She even invited my son and I for dinner with her family etc. Unfortunately I think my own fear of inadequacy made me not work out a good time, and dismissed it as having to work on the days she suggested.
As for the info Kiosk, they referred me to two helpful sisters to interview. One was a sister who also attended my school. At first she was very standoffish, it seemed to me she thought she was better than me (She only wore black, the abaya, niqab, and gloves to hide her hands). But after several times talking, I realized she was just really shy. She answered so many of my questions and we became friends.
The biggest impact on my conversion though was the other interview resulting from my request at the Islam info kiosk at college. The brother there contacted Sheik Yusuf Estes, who called me to ask if I would speak to his wife for the better female perspective! I was blown away that a Sheik was calling my cell phone to help silly me! So over several telephone calls with his dear wife, may Allah bless her always, I was able to learn her story of conversion and how she saw her rights and the world in Islam. Her genuine efforts to help me learn and teach me were incredible. I attribute my eventual reversion most greatly to her guidance and support. They live very close to me and she encouraged me to visit the school and Islamic center where their daughter was taking university level classes in Islamic studies and Arabic. What an inspiration she was.
After completing my "A" paper on women's rights in Islam I was exhausted by this flood of new ideas and goodwill. But I only wanted to learn more. I knew this was my true religion and only needed to take the final step and admit this to myself and others. I ended my engagement to the Moroccan brother who did not respect me as I deserved, and focused on Allah, myself, and my child.
Another dear brother and friend who had talked to me so much about Islam witnessed my Shahada and gave me a larger Quran translation with more detailed subtext to assist me. I was a Muslim now in May 2003! We went several times to his boss's house where they had a wonderful family life and sister Rana, the wife talked to me about Islam. There I told them I had never worn hijab but that during winter, I would wear my scarf similarly, outside, and inside due to the cold. People at school always looked at me funny with my pale skin and blue eyes, basically wearing hijab! So Rana, and her sweet elderly mother-in law insisted I borrow one of Rana's right away and try it! How great! So I put it on, the easy 2 piece Al- Amira kind
and came to show the family. Grandma Hajji, the mother in law was so thrilled she took tons of pictures of me with the hijab for me, and to send to family back in Syria! They were so proud. I wore the hijab all day there, and my son and Rana's son Keis said I looked pretty with it, but different.
From there I kind of felt scared to really involve myself in the religion, learn to pray the Islamic way, and in Arabic, etc. I also had only a few friends who could serve as guides and resources, but mostly out of fear, I stuck to learning through books and the internet. I didn’t change much of my dress (fairly conservative normally anyway) and made silly excuses for still drinking occasionally and eating bacon sometimes. "I am modern, men see me for me not my body and hair, blah blah blah."
I realized in 2007 I was ready for a real change, needed the guidance and to live in the straight path, tired of all the trouble and problems my current way of life caused me. I was severely depressed and with anxiety, to the point of an actual nervous breakdown.
I again began reading more and listening to lectures on Islam, something, anything to change my life and to bring me peace. I fumbled along for about a year then finally came the change.
I once again started trying to find my way, new job, reconnecting with true friends, trying to become a better Muslim. I had the chance for a fresh start and decided to take it. Put the past behind me and follow the guidance of Allah. One friend from online really gave me a great amount of hope and assistance in this quest for spiritual growth. Near daily emails and YouTube postings on my webpage, and inspiring nasheeds , were like a wakeup call. He and a few friends locally were the only ones I told about the troubles I had, or what changes I wanted in my life. So now, summer 2008, I can say I am very enthusiastically practicing Islam and it is the one thing besides my son, which gives me hope and strength. I feel pure and liberated now, and never guilty for any actions I make. No drinking, no pork, daily Quran, taking online classes on Islam, beginning to wear hijab, learning to pray in Arabic, and to understand more about Islam with lectures etc via YouTube. I am even starting to teach my son more about Islam, and using a children’s computer program to help him learn and understand Quran, and some game books to teach him salat. I was even able to give a CD lecture by Sheik Yusuf Estes to a Christian friend who was curious to know more about Islam and knew of the changes I am making in my life. Also blue eyes, a snow white complexion, and a hijab really get people asking about Islam!
After my long journey, I can say that I am a happily practicing muslimah, Alhamdulillah. And that Inshallah, my faith and knowledge of our beautiful religion will continue to grow. Inshallah, I can help others come to see the truth I have found and the beauty and practicality of Islam
Thank you for reading. Inshallah, my story will help you or others to understand me and how Islam has changed me into a more positive, free, and better woman.
Sister Lauren / Layla
