First steps of getting married

[al-muslimah]

:salam2:

Hope this reaches you in the best eman and health.
Brothers and sisters I need some help in this please. There is a brother who asked for my hand. So this is like the first step before marriage. Second step before marriage is when me, he and my parents get together, and start asking questions to see if our personalities match. He might be coming next week. I'm so afraid of this step and so not ready. I mean what are the type of questions that I really have to ask him? I already made up about ten. But I'm not sure if they work. I want help especially from the brothers and sisters who are married here and have experience.

What I need is indirect questions to know his personality and a lot about him.
Like I don't want to ask him: "are you generous?" I'd rather ask him what does "sadaka" mean to you? (Am I making sense? It's like I see his concept of sadaka and if he puts it in his priorities, for I'll know he's generous) hope you got what I'm talking about. ^^that was one of my questions.

Here are some more questions I wrote:

What do you look for in a wife?
Will you keep a pet at home? (Here I'll know if he likes animals since I love them) my sister told me it's too early to ask him this question. What do you think?
Why did you choose me as a potential spouse? (Is that good?)
What do your friends think of you? (I don't know, will he answer this? Since many people don’t like to talk about themselves...brothers, will you answer this if you were in his place?)
In what do you spend your free time?
Do you want to have children? (Maybe early?)
How do you treat your parents?
Who do you look up for?
What makes you happy? (okay?)
fun to be with?
do you suffer from any disease?(???)


I really have no idea if my questions are appropriate. I want more questions.
I want smart questions to see if he('s)...:

Faithful
has sense of humour
Truthful
Friendly
Kind
Generous( maybe you have another idea)
Love kids
Cheerful
Mokhlis( don’t know the exact translation for this..its like doing everything SO neat..even Allah those who are mokhlis and motqin(in other words) for example: if they were cleaning a room..they wont clean it from outside and throw rubbish behind things..they would clean everything from inside and outside..another example: I have a test tomorrow, being mokhlis I would study each word and knowing everything. (I really care if my husband was mokhlis or not)
Peaceful
Honest
Keeps secrets
Talkative/silent
Confident
Strict
Organised
Healthy
smart
Strong
Ambitious
Optimistic
creative
Control his feelings
active/lazy

Maybe someone could help me out..inshallah this wont only help me, this thread will help many other Muslims out there reaching for help.. as i think this is the most important part in the Muslim marriage..

Jazakum allahu khayran for all those who help.:shymuslima1:



p.s: since I'm sometimes shy to talk to a man face to face..is it okay if i printed out all the questions and then ask him to fill it and put his answers?then he'll give it back once he's done

 

[Muslimah16]

:salam2:

:lol: :lol: :lol:
SISTER!!!! your p.s bit made me laugh and laugh and laugh!! that was such a cute question!! but NO!! You cant can you??
oki oki seriously, maybe its abit early to ask him about the pet thing, and about the children bit. the part where you said: 'Why did you choose me as a potential spouse?' he might feel awkward if you ask that, i dunno. he may be as nervous as you are and this question? i dont know sorri
these are just my opinions and i hope i didnt hurt you. i'm not married so i wouldnt know
but the rest are gud ones i personally think. May Allah make it easy for you..
keep us updated. I am sure our brothers and sisters who are married will help you out, inshAllah.
Take care sis.....and dont PANIC WHEN HE COMES TO SEE YOU!!
And it's okii to be shy, most people would be at this stage.

 

[IslamIsLight]

salam aleikum
LOL this is such a cute post .Sister you really made me smile ...

p.s: since I'm sometimes shy to talk to a man face to face..is it okay if i printed out all the questions and then ask him to fill it and put his answers?then he'll give it back once he's done

Just please don't do that ...

I don't know what to advice ,Im not married .I would say may be ask .

What is his goal in life ?
Who is his most Beloved person?
What do you look for in a wife?

Mokhlis -Thank you for giving explanation on that ,I never knew what it is

Just don't give him a hard time

waaleikum salam

 

[*Sana*]

Assalamualaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakaatu,

LOL! Such an inncoent post! How cute of you... But lol no I would not print the questions. If you really have to ask, just ask them. But personally, I wouldn't ask too much. You can gather a lot about the person from what he asks you.

And yeah, like Sister Aisha Anastasia said: Don't give him a hard time! From what I know guyz don't like talkative girls (correct me if I'm wrong Brothers). They like to do all the talking and you be the ear and have to listen

All the best! If he is to be in your khair, May Allah make it work out for you Insha Allah without any difficulties. May Allah Ta'ala bless you with a happy life with a partner that understands you and vice versa Insha Allah.

Good Luck!

Wasalaam

 

[kubra_2002]

lol

:salam2: sister..I hope your doing well..Mashallah your post made me laugh..lol..I would have say what Aisha and the other sister said..i am not married so..i don really know anything abt this things..but I would like to complimant on one of the question you wrote, I think this one is good "What do you look for in a wife" and this one you might don wanna ask cause the answer is obvious " how do you treat your parent" and inshallah may Allah make easy for both of you..keep in mind that he will ask u some question as well..

 

[slaveofAllah88]

aslam o alikum
im a brother ... so i got to admit ur post did kinda make me laugh well sister he is going to be ur future husband (maybe) so you should be open with him ask what you like there is no limit like know him properly and then make ur decision
all ur questions seem appropriate btw and i dont think the pet question is a big thing so dont worry anywayz good luck sister
aslam o alikum
Ps: chill and go ikhtikhara and ask ALlah for the best

 

[Sophie1]

salaam,
lol...ur p.s defo made me laugh!...bless...dnt print questions out...he will feel lyk hes come to an interview, or school or sumthing.

anyway...i personally think u should just let the whole thing flow...obv be prepared but dont make it sound like uv been practising the whole speech or somert. He prob be as much scared as u!...u neva knw! he must be askin the same questions from his m8s about you two meetin up!....i doubt he will come up with the printed question idea though.lol...dnt worry too much.. Sister and i agree with brother shaheerpak, go and do ishtikhara.
just dont ask too many questions....dnt make him feel as though ur interrogating him......

anyways i hope everything works out for the best for you.
take care and if you want let us know how it went....

wasalaam

 

[Prosperous]

m not married,but i kinda have selected my future husband,so i will tell u my experience.
I think u should ask him
1.What do u look for in ur wife?
2.HOw do u want ur life to be?,(this q u can eloborate as much as u want,and he can answer as much as he want.like in this he may mention how many children he want,wats his dreams of life,where he likes to go on a vacation,how u want to treat her,wats his parents place in his life)
3.Are u a listener,?I mean do u like to hear advice from ur wife??.m asking this cox men in nature does not like to hear advice that much and rather they like to give advice,and also most men do not want to hear all crap wives tell about home and this and that,as wemen are really talkative in nature,and need a person to listen alws.
IN THIS u need to make clear all points i mentioned as he will know y u r asking this question and thi is very important as u will know very much details of how he think of wemen and his nature in this as it is a long question and he has to listen.LOL.
brothers m sorry to say,but u guys do not listen much and hate being adviced.
Sister as u want indirect Q.those Q are good here are som more
4."i wanna ask this straight.i really love to know ur background.who u r,ur education standard,wat u do,wats ur goal,i mean a breif introduction of urself as we both need to introduce 1st"
hehe.i made questions like word to word to make him show u did not prepare them b4 hand and be cool.like ask after some thinking to show him.Lol
5.after his questions and u ask back him some of his questions which are in the catogries u want.just ask how about u,but don't ask after each question.
6.at last talk about some things going in this world todays muslims,and ask his view on islam.
really make the plot easy and cool for him,don't show that u r a kinda gal who is too nervous and freakd.
U should be calm and cool,i mean "SMART".smart gals don't break by a meeting with a man.hehe
u be strong and don't giv him a hard time.and wen he talk about family,ull know how caring n sharing he is.so finally talk about both families.
and let us know how it went

 

[abu turaab]

:salam2: sister al-muslimah!...don't confuse yourself this much even this is one of the most critical and tensive moment in the lifetime of a serious individual yet it's from the blessings of our deen al-Islam which is always there for us to simplify and rectify our matters in the most balanced ways!!..
here is your solution...you might know the saying of the Prophet(s.a.w.) that if a muslim man comes to you with whom character and way of conduct you are pleased with...then accept his proposal!!..otherwise there would be wide mischeif in the land.
now If your parents and you have this condition satisfied...and if the brother can provide the maintenance(which includes a home or at least a portion of it with some seperate settlements) then sister don't look for else more!!...and it will be all right insha-ALLAH!!
your brother

 

[palestine]

Sister i honestly think he loves you already, why else would he even ask to see you or get to know you. as for your questions, most of them were either awkward at this time( hope that's not offensive, just wanna see what i can do for ya). i'll just quote your questions. salam.

 

[palestine]

These are some questions which i think won't be offensive to him but also important and big eye openers. maybe i'm wrong, who knows. lol. i'm not married but this is my perspective.

1.What do you look for in a woman?
2. How often do you attend the masjid?
3. What do you love to do in your spare time?( this might help u figure out if he's creative or not (my opinion. lol)
4. What is your goal in life? ( this should help big time! if he's someone who loves the deen and who thinks of akhirah, he will most likely mention something that has to do with islam...at least that's the way i am. lol)
5. AN ADVICE TO YOU SIS: I too am afraid when it comes to facing guys face to face. even saying asalamu alaykum becomes hard for me. but what you can do is act natural. don't show any fear, try not to stutter, just be yourself. however i cannot advice you about whether to look at him in the face or not, because usually i can't do that no matter what. so good luck with that one. asalamu alaykum. and don't ask too many questions, but don't make him die of boredom either(by not talking at all, or saying too little). i'll send u a pm later inshaAllah. asalamu alaykum wrwb.

 

[al-muslimah]

:salam2:

Surprised how all of you soo didn’t welcome the idea of printing out a paper! Lol.. Well maybe it was a crazy idea went by..okay..I wont do that!! I'll try to calm down and not be nervous! and NO hard times Inshallah! Lol sister Sophie and bro tkhan your posts made me laugh! Ahaha

Brother shaheerapak..ur right, the most important thing is doing istikhara, since everything is in Allah's hand. Ill do that tonight inshallah..I'v also noticed that most of you said "don’t ask him alot of questions" but i thought the more i ask , the more it would be better? Yes, brother abuturab the guy is religious and well known by people that hes a good guy ( my father asked the people he works with) but still i have to know his personality..he might not match me..allahu a'lam

I appreciate the corrections..Jazaku allahu khayran specially sister preporus and palastine..thankyou! thankyou!.. you've helped me alto! Thank you sister Sana for your doaa inshallah sister muslimah16 ill try to keep you updated..haha sister aishaAnastasia..glad to know that you knew what mokhlis means ( but what is the word in English?)

More help would be welcomed

 

[slave_of_Allah]

Assalamu alikum my dear sister al- muslimah

Just to start of i am not married unfortunately, but i will try to advise you as best as i can. Don't ask questions where there is a yes or no answer, because you will NOT find out about his personality. For example - don 't ask him does He pray? It's easy to say yes, or not. Try and ask him questions like - What do you do when your angry? Do you like to be alone when your upset? Try and find out about the person - what he is like. About how many questions you ask - well don't ask to many, you can ask the right questions, by asking only a few, and that which is relevant. I really have no experience in this matter, but i hope my advice does help in some way or the other.

I pray Allah makes it easy for you, and gives you that which is best for your deen. Aameen.

Most importantly don't stress and leave it with Allah.

 

[al-muslimah]

Assalamu alikum my dear sister al- muslimah

Just to start of i am not married unfortunately, but i will try to advise you as best as i can. Don't ask questions where there is a yes or no answer, because you will NOT find out about his personality. For example - don 't ask him does He pray? It's easy to say yes, or not. Try and ask him questions like - What do you do when your angry? Do you like to be alone when your upset? Try and find out about the person - what he is like. About how many questions you ask - well don't ask to many, you can ask the right questions, by asking only a few, and that which is relevant. I really have no experience in this matter, but i hope my advice does help in some way or the other.

I pray Allah makes it easy for you, and gives you that which is best for your deen. Aameen.

Most importantly don't stress and leave it with Allah.

yes sister your advice did help. thankyou!
Ameen to your duaa..may allah reward you. Jazaki allahu khayran.

 

[shichemlydia]

point of view

salam alikoum,
first of all, may allah swt grant you a good husband, ameen,
in my region, the way a this kind of things is organised is not as complicated as you are mentioning.
it is quit simpler, the man sees the woman, withit her get to see him, then if he likes her, he will try to let her know his will to get married with her, then the woman, if she is interested gives het initial agreement. after that they both organised a meeting to see and talk to each other. usually the discussion is just an introduction and an opportunity for the two to see each other. the talk is usually about the age, the familly, the job,.....and the most important thing is the man says his condition (example, want her not to work, not .......) and the woman also says her condition for example (growing the beard, living separately from the parents, working only near home......).
if they agreed until this step,the man sends his mother and his sisters to the woman's house and ask for her officially, the parents also must give their agreement for the deal to go on.
concerning the questions, i think it is a bad idea, as a brother, i can feel the pains that someone can suffer from hearing that kind of questions. from the eys of people, you can discover a lot of things that the words cannot say.
and most importantly , do not forget salat el istikhara, and you will never regret, inchae allah.
i am drawing these words from my own experience, because i am looking for a wife since 5 months, and i got nothing until now. the way i have drawn earlier is seemed to be good, and less destructive.
may allah swt help you in this deal....
wa salam alikoum

 

[al-muslimah]

salam alaycoum brother
subhanallah every region differs from one another..but the point brother of asking questions..is to know the other person...i dont care how the person looks..the thing i care is about his personality and how he puts islam as his pirority..i think this proces of asking questions and knowing the other person is important..hope you got what im talking about..jazakallah khair for passing by. ameen to your duaa

 

[helpinghumanity]

:salam2:

Ukthi i think this thread would not only serve you in your cause but also it will serve brotherz and sisterz who are about to get married.

The very first conversation will not be that open. By that i mean both of you will observe each other. So try to avoid asking too many question.

The idea of printing out the question is the same idea as some one is applying for a job. LOL

These are some of the questions that either you will ask or you will be asked.

1) How you will describe yourself (Observe his very first answer, e.g Personally i will be thinking that he should introduce himself as a Muslim, say i am a Muslim, i know that you already it. However it will give you an idea whats his priority.)

2) How do you describe an ideal Wife??. By that i mean what are the qualities of an ideal wife...

3) If there is ever a fight between me and your mom. Who would you support...:lol:.................I can't stop laughing after typing this question.

4)Do you want me to be a house wife or do u want me to be working?



This is what you will be for sure asked...

1) Do you know how to cook.....by cook by i am really good cooking....not like you put sth and after a while it burns and the whole room becomes cloudy and stinky..........lol....


I will come back and type more suggestion..right now i gotta go to market with my mom...
However best of luck....
salam

 

[Mabsoot]

Assalamu alaykum,

I am So sad to see that nobody here has the right ideas at all, you should be asking the questions about the Deen. Thats not just someone praying 5x, or wearing the hijab,

How do you now he has the right beliefs about Allah? The Aqeedah of knowing his attributes properly? You need make sure this person, will accept the Quran and the Sunnah,-- Or that he/she is quick to drop anything that is wrong, such as Shirk, Bid'ah and cares to stick to the Quran and the sunnah and way of the Salaf Salih.

Or is he just another person who seeks knowledge from youtube, or does not have any enthusiasm for Islamic learning.

If they or even any of You had the right ideas, which is all derived from Quran and Sunnah, then you would know what exactly to look for in a husband or a wife.

If someone has a great keeness in Learning Islam, they hold the knowledge which is good and correct, then they would, also be more likely to be good to you, and know / do everything that would make for a good marriage. They would be honest, patient and try their best to never ever let you down. -- This is why the Prophet told us to find someone who was best in the Deen..

After the Deen, then you inquire to see if they REALLY implement everything into their lives, i.e. have they got the Character and personality, that Islam requires the person to have.......

When you do Istikhara, what is the meaning of the Istikhara? You ask Allah to help you make the decision that is BEST for you and your DEEN.

If you take care to understand, from the LENS of the DEEn... you will realise that 99% of the Questions that have been asked, would be answered satisfactorily with someone who really loves Islam, lives and breathes Islam, and acts upon it in its purest form. - Questions such as housework, whether wife gets job - how the money is shared, where to live, about parents/in-laws... everything.

Its important also to be patient and make sure the person really is what they say they are, by speaking to others who know him, perhaps an Imam or someone. - One question, which ..... might raise some comments, is... If he is so religious, then how come no Imam knows him? (obviously, there can be some exceptions, perhaps there no Masjids or they are ahlul bidah ones)

So, dont fuss around! -- that is from Shaitan, And you should get married.

 

[Mahzala]

Assalamu alaykum,

I am So sad to see that nobody here has the right ideas at all, you should be asking the questions about the Deen. Thats not just someone praying 5x, or wearing the hijab,

How do you now he has the right beliefs about Allah? The Aqeedah of knowing his attributes properly? You need make sure this person, will accept the Quran and the Sunnah,-- Or that he/she is quick to drop anything that is wrong, such as Shirk, Bid'ah and cares to stick to the Quran and the sunnah and way of the Salaf Salih.

Or is he just another person who seeks knowledge from youtube, or does not have any enthusiasm for Islamic learning.

If they or even any of You had the right ideas, which is all derived from Quran and Sunnah, then you would know what exactly to look for in a husband or a wife.

If someone has a great keeness in Learning Islam, they hold the knowledge which is good and correct, then they would, also be more likely to be good to you, and know / do everything that would make for a good marriage. They would be honest, patient and try their best to never ever let you down. -- This is why the Prophet told us to find someone who was best in the Deen..

After the Deen, then you inquire to see if they REALLY implement everything into their lives, i.e. have they got the Character and personality, that Islam requires the person to have.......

If so, dont fuss around! -- that is from Shaitan, And you should get married.

Assalamualaikum



Well, there, you've done your job. I guess no girl needs to ask you any questions. No handouts for you then Brother Mabsoot.

Just Kidding around (Haha with the Admin). But your very right, Indeed. I think Deen lies far more ahead of anything intended by Sister Al Muslimah, and great advice you've given her.

Assalamualaikum

 

[Asja]

Assalamu Allaicomu dear sister

Inshallah may Allah reowrd you with good and pious husband Inshallah.

I am not marryed yet but Mashalalh for you sister becasue you will able to ask 10 questions Inshallah ,and me becasue I am too much shy I would not be able to ask one question.:shymuslima1:

But Alahdmulillah sister that you need to meet your future husband and I think it is the most importante that you meet his perosnality,soul,his faith,deen,and practsing of our beautyfull religion Islam Inshallah.
I pray to Allah for husband who loves Allah like I love,and even more than me SubahnAllah.

May Allah bless us all and guide us Inshallah.


Salam