Mother-In-Law

[poetic]

Salaam Alaikum

Before Islam I had a very hard life, I have alot of knowledge because of that life experience, I didn't go through all of my highschool , but im working on getting this GED if you havn't heard of it , it is equivalent to a highschool diploma, you have to do some tests and pay for it. The reason I didn't make it through high school was not because of stupidity or the unability to learn or anything like that, I had a baby, and just recently had my second baby. I am married and everything. My mother in law treats me so badly, she literly called me dumb one day she said "you think your so smart but you havnt even finished your education". She's told me numerous times that I can't learn about Islam, and sometimes she will say oh you should be doing this and that more than wearing a hijab, meanwhile I am on the internet everyday learning everything possible, for a while I was seeing an older sister (before my second daughter was born) and also learned alot from her, I know more than she thinks, I dont feel as if I have to brag about knowing, thats for Allah to know, she just asumes im not doing anything Islamically. I've memorized surah fatihah and im working on 2 more at the moment, I hope to learn them asap and memorize Insha'allah. I cry so much because of her under estimating me and the way she treats me, so many times I was acused of dis-respecting and shes always right and im always wrong, I know I should respect my elders especially my mother in law! But I'd like that respect back , just because shes older does not meen she knows more than me in general, and if she does and I dont of course she should teach me. Shes always trying to make my husband food and she always asks if he is hungry this upsets me, its like shes saying I dont make food for him! Whenever my newest baby pukes she says I didnt burp her, shes always telling me to bath her, and not to do things like when she was first born no tummy time, but my kids pediatrician said too, and now just recently I found out she had her neck muscle pulled at birth so she should have been doing tummy time, but I didnt do it because I didnt want her freaking out on me, now I regret it because my baby is in physio therapy! .. I have two kids I am busy with I try to clean up so much whenever they nap or I have the chance, everyday I am cleaning, I know thats half our deen, and she always says oh you should clean all the time everyday you know, and im like yeah i do (she doesnt even come down here to see if I am!!) again she asumes,and she pretty much rolls her eyes! she has no kids now they are all grown up, plus my oldest is more hyper than most so shes always bringing toys out of her room and getting into everything, also i have to dust twice a day because i am in a basment and there is no air circulation, so the dust comes right back I tryed to explain that to her but she gave me that same look like im dumb! .. I am so busy im tired I barely sleep at night, my husband is more on her side, and when ever i try to defend my self im wrong for doing so, she even called me a slut once!! I know she will never like me like her other daughter in law, because she is pakistani and I am white, right now we are on good terms were talking I am trying to respect her but im sick of her opinions and I know she loves her son but he has a wife now!.. My husband is wasteing so much money I always tell him let me make you food but he gos to work and eats with his friends take-out, unless hes off work then I cook for him, I always offer him food to bring to work and for when he gets home and hes like oh im not hungry I tell him hes weasteing so much money, he doesnt listen. Today I asked him as usual if hes hungry and wants me to make him something he said no not really, and i heard him leaving for work his mom asked if he was hungry this is at 1 in the afternoon, and he said im not hungry I think he should have said no im not hungry and thanks anyways but if I was i'd get my wife to cook me a meal.. I am going through so much can anyone else relate to me? I've contemplated leaving, I love him so much and want a life with him without his mom always on my case ! we are not the same as before anymore, I miss his love and affection, my heart cant handle it anymore.

 

[rtbour]

Asalaamu alaikum, sister.
Please someone, correct me if I am wrong about any of this:
Your mother in law should not be talking down to you like that and if she does, your husband should defend you and make her stop. You are his wife so he is supposed to take care of you- that's not just with money. He is supposed to take care of you emotionally, too. You are living in his mothers basement with two babies and there is a lot of dust? That is not healthy, especially if any of you have allergies. Maybe it would help your stress and help your marriage if you moved to your own apartment or house away from the mother in law. Allah knows best what's in your heart and what's in your husband and his mothers hearts. If your husband is not taking care of you properly and your mother-in-law is abusing you, they will be asked about these bad actions on the day of judgement.
I'll pray for you, sister.
Salaam.

 

[poetic]

no no not that dusty ! lol .. just like on our t.v and dressers i always dust them so the dust is not there for long but its not something bad I would never put my children in danger.. its light dust u have to look very closely to see, im just saying she will pick little things like that and use them against me.

I try to keep our side door upstairs open since we only have two windows and our plan is to save for a couple of years and geta house inshallah, my husband says its more affordable to pay rent here then to have own apartment

Also ive talked to sisters in law and they said if she talks down on me to let her and just kind of deal with it because if I get mad or correct her for doing so im disrespecting her.. I think they are way into their culture more than our religion

 

[ShyHijabi]

Salaam,

First things first, you guys need to move out of her house! There is way too much encroachment going on and a woman is entitled to her own place of residence in Islam. Your child is yours, not hers, and you should do what is right no matter what she natters on about.

I think I can relate somewhat as I am white and married to a Pakistani. Though my MIL would never say those things to me (my husband would stop it immediately as he is obligated to protect me and she has more class than that anyways) but she is very bossy. I basically smile, nod, and then go about doing things my way. I think I would go absolutely insane if we lived together. (me and the MIL) And hey, you know what? Let her cook his meals, then you can take care of your children and she can get whatever jollies out of making his food.

As far as education goes, she sounds like she has some major issues of her own regarding that. If she were versed on fiqh then she would know her behavior and speech is completely haraam. You focus on completeing your secondary education and every time she insults you, just let it be fuel to push to excel more. There is a saying, "The best revenge is a life of success." Take your revenge sister, by making A's and getting your degree. Chin up, you are not alone.

Wasalaam

 

[poetic]

Salaam,

First things first, you guys need to move out of her house! There is way too much encroachment going on and a woman is entitled to her own place of residence in Islam. Your child is yours, not hers, and you should do what is right no matter what she natters on about.

I think I can relate somewhat as I am white and married to a Pakistani. Though my MIL would never say those things to me (my husband would stop it immediately as he is obligated to protect me and she has more class than that anyways) but she is very bossy. I basically smile, nod, and then go about doing things my way. I think I would go absolutely insane if we lived together. (me and the MIL) And hey, you know what? Let her cook his meals, then you can take care of your children and she can get whatever jollies out of making his food.

As far as education goes, she sounds like she has some major issues of her own regarding that. If she were versed on fiqh then she would know her behavior and speech is completely haraam. You focus on completeing your secondary education and every time she insults you, just let it be fuel to push to excel more. There is a saying, "The best revenge is a life of success." Take your revenge sister, by making A's and getting your degree. Chin up, you are not alone.

Wasalaam

she can be a really good person she just tends to be bitter most of the time, never happy with what im doing. also we spent alot of money on the basment i think i will try to stick it out for a few years and just try hard to respect her no matter what.. i wish my husband could see things the way i do
i was thinking if you lived with your MIL maybe ud have the same problems?

 

[ShyHijabi]

she can be a really good person she just tends to be bitter most of the time, never happy with what im doing. also we spent alot of money on the basment i think i will try to stick it out for a few years and just try hard to respect her no matter what.. i wish my husband could see things the way i do
i was thinking if you lived with your MIL maybe ud have the same problems?

I am sure she and I would have conflict as we both are very head strong women. But his mother would never call me names like the ones you've been called. Honestly I would rather live in a tiny apartment than live in a nice house where I am treated so poorly. For now just smile, nod and then continue living your life by your standards.

 

[poetic]

I am sure she and I would have conflict as we both are very head strong women. But his mother would never call me names like the ones you've been called. Honestly I would rather live in a tiny apartment than live in a nice house where I am treated so poorly. For now just smile, nod and then continue living your life by your standards.

thank you so much for talking to me about this.. i really needed someone who could relate and since we both married pakistani men i know you some-what understand

 

[Abdul Hasib]

Sister, make sure that you CONCENTRATE on this post extremely!

Assalamu Aleykum Warahmatullahi Wabarakaathuh sister. Wallahi it hurts to hear about your difficult situation! I understand what you mean when you say that your mother in law keeps putting you down all the time and acting like as if she's tremendous, and that she always criticizes you about the way she sees you, but she doesn't even try to give you any advice or help you out.

But unfortunately, this is the situation with Bangladeshi and Pakistani families, that the male in the house is like the "Dominator" with everyone "at his Mercy," in which he beats his wife up all the time for the first ten to twenty years of their marriage until he becomes a scraggly old bloke that he can't abuse her anymore, and when it comes to marriage, the daughter in law becomes the SLAVE of the husband's family, that her mother in law and the other females of his family verbally and physically abuse the daughter in law, and the husband either: can not do anything about it; does not care (which is the case almost all the time); or he takes sides with the females of his family and goes against his wife, even if the wife does NOT do anything wrong!
(Actually, I think this exists in Arab countries too, but I don't know about them more than I know Bangladesh and Pakistan.)

May Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta Alla destroy these nations, their customs, their cultures, and their immoralities, and replace all of these people with better Muslims, who are just and compassionate, and who Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta Alla loves, and who love him and his Rasul more than ANYTHING (and what really shows this is how much a Muslim goes in order to please and obey their Lord, and how much a Muslim tries in following the examples of Rasulallah S.A.W.)

Wallahi, Islam is what STOPPED all of these injustices from existing, but people preferred to stick to their cultures, which are full of NOTHING but oppression, and they choose to not stick (firmly) to their deen, which teaches love, mercy, justice, and compassion.

Wallahi sister, I feel speechless hearing your story. Wallahi I wish that I wasn't only fifteen years old, that I was older, in order that I would be able to DO something about these things.

But let me tell you this sister: These are a few important words to you, from me:

Know that Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla is always there, the only thing that is in your way is how much you try your best in order to reach him. If you ever have a problem, remember that the FIRST one who you should EVER start to ask from is Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla, and HIM only, because Rasulallah (SAW) told this to his little cousin, Ibn Abbas (RAH):

"If you beg, beg to Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla alone; and if you need assistance, then supplicate to him for help. For you should know, that if the WHOLE nation (or humanity) were to gather together in an attempt to benefit you, then KNOW that they will NOT be able to do so, UNLESS it is FROM HIS PERMISSION FOR IT TO HAPPEN, and if the whole nation (or humanity) were to gather to HARM you, then know that they will NOT BE ABLE TO DO SO, except by the PERMISSION of Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta Alla."

-Sahih al Tirmizhi (from Riyad as Saaliheen, Chapter 5: Hadith 63)​

So in this Hadith (saying/narration from the Prophet Muhammad S.A.W.), Rasulallah (<Rasulallah is a title given to the Prophet Muhammad by those who believe that he is The Prophet from The Lord) (SAW) instructs his cousin to ALWAYS seek the help of his Lord (we Muslims just say Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta Alla because it befits him more) when EVER he faced any difficulties or needed any help, and so that is what you should try doing sister.

Another lesson from this Hadith is about how Rasulallah (SAW) taught his cousin about the POWER of Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla (The Lord, Most Glorified and High), that if ALL the people were to come to harm or benefit him, then they will NOT be able to do so, and that ALL the power comes from their Lord, so if he wants to, he will benefit his slave, or if he wants, he will let harm come to his slave (the reason why he lets harm befall upon his slave is because he wants to test his slave, if his slave REALLY loves him and is patient, and if His slave is, then he (The Lord, most Glorified and High) will love this slave of his, and the more harm that his slave receives, then that is what will raise the status of his slave infront of his Lord, and infront of the BILLIONS of Angels, who witness this).

And sister, in your situation, I can understand WHY Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla would WANT to test you, because you are a new convert (Alhamdulillah!), and so he wants to test you a bit at the beginning to see how much faith and patience you have in him, and then if you pass that, then he will test you more, so that your status increases (depends on how much you are tested, if you are tested EXTREMELY, then your status increases RAPIDLY, and if you are tested in small amounts, then your status increases little by little), and who knows? He may test you to EXTREMES, and IF you stay patient with him, and still Glorify, Praise, and Obey him, THEN you can EVEN get to the point of being more PIOUS and RIGHTEOUS than your mother in law! Or MAYBE, even more than your husband's entire family!

And another thing sister, is that when it comes to Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla testing his Slave, he RAISES the status of his slave, and not only that, but IF (and I REALLY mean IF) his slave ever committed a sin, or had some shortcomings or deficiencies (in worshiping or obeying him), then by GOING THROUGH TESTS, what happens is that it becomes a way of ATONEMENT for that Slave of Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla, and Rasulallah (SAW) said that: "A slave may go through SO many tests and trials from his Lord, to the point that he (the slave, and it means generally, whether male or female) has NO MORE SIN LEFT IN HIM (which would be held against him, and which means that even ALL of his sins get forgiven)."

And so sister, I would like to conclude with this:

Remember what I have said above, and also, I suggest you try to find a way to make your husband and your family (you, him, and your kids) to live in a separate apartment from his family (like what sister Rtbour said, Alhamdulillah). Try to think of ways to convince him of having you all to move out (having him save up his money too) into your OWN apartment.

Like tell him that both of your situations are pretty tough, that you both have two baby children (Mashallah ), and that since they are still children (and when they grow up), they will need to live in their own home, in their own apartment.

And also sisters (any of you that are reading this post), PLEASE also help our sister in finding ways of how she can convince her husband of having them to move out to their own apartment (especially you sister ShyHijabi, because I KNOW that you're smart in these things ).
And I ask Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta Alla to bless you all by the thousands for trying to help our sister out (and may he also bless our sister by the thousands for trying her best to become a good Muslimah), Ameen.

And also, one last thing sister:

No, you are NOT stupid, no matter WHAT anyone says about you (and don't EVER let what they say to hurt you, okay? )

And even though by now, you only memorized what, maybe 3 chapters? Well sister, I would like to congradulate you, that EVEN though it seems like only a small amount, but still, even though you are going through so many problems and difficulties, you STILL tried your best to be more good of a Muslimah, and Alhamdulillah, that is good.

And also sister, make SURE that you do NOT drink more knowledge than what your stomach can hold, because IF you gain too much knowledge all at once, then it does NOT benefit you, but it WILL make you to be WORSE, and it can also lead you to being a BAD Muslim, if you try gaining too much knowledge at once (trust me, I've got......about maybe a year and a half's experience in that?), then what happens is that you have learnt MORE than you can act upon.

Like:

If you try to learn some chapters of the Quran, and then you try to learn how to Pray the Night Prayer, the Ramadan Prayer, the Prayer of Help (when making decisions, known as Istikhara), then learning about the ettiquetts of Islamic Warfare, how to treat slaves, how to treat the poor, the family members, then try to learn the stories of the Quran, then learn about the stories from the Seerah (Biography) of the Prophet Muhamamd (SAW), then his Companions, then.............

so you see? Can you keep up with all that I'm saying right now? Of course not! (< LoL :wink So THAT is why: you've got to gain knowledge, little by little, EVEN if it takes you MONTHS, or maybe even YEARS! But TRUST me sister, it's even BETTER if it takes you YEARS to gain all the proper Islamic Knowledge (about everything), because then you would be able to act upon the knowledge that you gain, and THAT can NOT happen, unless you take small sips of knowlege, little by little, because one great sin in Islam is:not acting upon the knowledge that you have.

Because it's like taking medicine, you just don't dump the whole bottle inside your mouth, you take the medicine in doses; if you TRY taking an overdose (in trying to gain Islamic knowledge), then it DESTROYS you; but if you take small doses (of Islamic knowledge), then, it DOES take time, but atleast you aren't going to fall down in destruction (which is what happens to people who don't act upon their knowledge, or who try to obtain TOO MUCH knowledge than they can handle, which kills them in their practicing of Islam).


And so anyway sister, I'm sorry if I took a long time to shut up (LoL :wink, but I hope that my talk was good enough to help you out. I apologize if I said anything wrong, and I ask Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla to forgive me, because anything that was wrong only came from myself, and if my words were of any benefit to you, then Verily, we should Praise Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta Alla, because it only happened because of him. Also sister, Welcome to Islam the most Beautifullest Religion and way of Life. It's a pleasure having you as our sister in Islam (and to me, it is an HONOR of having you as my sister in Islam) , and I ask Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta Alla to make you to be the most Pious and BEST Muslim in your family (including your husband's family), and may he increase you in Piety and in Faith excessively to the extent that he Loves you Dearly (and so do all of the Angels), and that you Love Him and his Prophet (Muhammad S.A.W.) excessively and more than ANYONE or ANYTHING.

May Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta Alla bless you sister, and know that Verily, your Lord LOVES you, because he has BLESSED you with his True Religion, which is what will help you to understand, know, and Love him more.

Farewell sister, and may the Peace, Blessings, Mercy, Forgiveness, and Love of Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta Alla be upon you, and upon his Rightouess Slaves (who try their best to seek his Love, his Pleasure, and to Obey him as much as they can).

 

[aaiwang]

dearest sister @poetic, i'm very appreciated what you wrote down, both wife and husband must be same vision and mision, i suggest you, you must always discuss for all problem each other, don't make conflict each other, altough there is tiny matter.

Assalamu Aleykum Warahmatullahi Wabarakaathuh sister. Wallahi it hurts to hear about your difficult situation! I understand what you mean when you say that your mother in law keeps putting you down all the time and acting like as if she's tremendous, and that she always criticizes you about the way she sees you, but she doesn't even try to give you any advice or help you out. ...

brother @Abdul Hasib,,
Alhamdulillah,,masha-Allah, your opinion it's very usefull! Jazzakalloh.

 

[sistersalina]

Brother Hasib your opinion is just so good. Im glad to hear such opinion from a brother because male may not go through the same situation but yet you seem to understand very well and have given very inderstanding response or opinion. Masha Allah brother, May Allah bless you. Sister Poetic, dont worry we will all pray for u!

 

[fada_all]

salam alikum


may allah give you patience dear ukhtii to endure all this harshness.....masha allah taala

 

[safiya58]

:salam2:

no matter what you do, even if you are the most pious most smart most kind most beautiful muslima, she will not be pleased with you... cuz you are not from her nationality...!

when someone is acting like she does... I mean so aggressiv and humiliating to others can it not be because of fear... it is always hard to confess for us that we are scared of sth...and if we can not express our fears then they will be expressed in an other way I mean through aggressive behaviour for example...

You are a strang to her... and maybe she is just scarred cuz she don´t know how to deal with you... or maybe she has complexes herself and fears that you could underestimate her... or may she is scarred that you could take her son away from her... or maybe I´m just exaggerating!

however my advise is:

1.to move to a seperate appartment if possible...

2. just be exaggerated kind to her... ignore her attack... like sister shy hijabi said just smile and do your thing!

3. is there a third person who is neutral and whom she likes and you like too... speak with her/him may he/she can influence your MIL and also your husband!

4.if you ask me she have to go to a psychotherapist... and I don´t say that to insult her or sth... I´m serious... can you not convince her to go...?

5. if I was you I´d also talk with my husband... it is his job to protect you...!

may Allah reward you for your patience my dearest sister and help you inshaallah...

 

[poetic]

:salam2:

But unfortunately, this is the situation with Bangladeshi and Pakistani families, that the male in the house is like the "Dominator" with everyone "at his Mercy," in which he beats his wife up all the time for the first ten to twenty years of their marriage until he becomes a scraggly old bloke that he can't abuse her anymore, and when it comes to marriage, the daughter in law becomes the SLAVE of the husband's family, that her mother in law and the other females of his family verbally and physically abuse the daughter in law, and the husband either: can not do anything about it; does not care (which is the case almost all the time); or he takes sides with the females of his family and goes against his wife, even if the wife does NOT do anything wrong!
(Actually, I think this exists in Arab countries too, but I don't know about them more than I know Bangladesh and Pakistan.)

sister when i was reading above words of brother abdul hasib, i was thinking that if he knows my past and mensioning me .i had the same situation like you but the difference was that i dont have a MIL.but lots of sisters in laws.and i was like their slave for 7 years and my husband was as same as you.he could even saw that i dont do anything bad with anyone but he always use to say I CANNT LEAVE MY FAMILY FOR YOU.and now when he got some bruises himself from his family, he realize how far he has gone.he sold my mahar jewellery for his family even my property without my permission.


ssoo my advise for you is that whatever happen to you please tell your husband and assure him how much secrifices you are giving to him.kids are first no matter what she says dont care just smile and do whatever you think is good for you and your kids.and please please be brave dont be like me .may ALLAH make everything easy for you ameen.

he knows i posted this and again defends his mom by saying oh its probably the way you worded it, he always makes excuses for her hes ignoring my hurt feelings i dont know if he understands.. but what i wrote was the truth it wasnt worded any specific way, its the truth he hasnt read what i wrote but if he did hed say im over exaggerating

 

[musliminah 05]

:salam2: sister
I am so sorry to hear of your problems. I am white and married to a Indian, but we dont have contact with my inlaws even though we live in the same area. What I would do is like the others have said, move out- even if it meant living in a small place it is better than having conflict and maybe commiting sin by saying something bad to you mother inlaw. Also talk calmly with your husband, explain that you would love to be with him on your own and be able to visit your inlaws and how that would be much better for your relationship together and your relationship with her. For now dont get upset when she hurts your feelings just smile like the others sisters and brothers have said smile but do it your way. You sound like you may rise to her and feel sooo frustrated inside. Make dua to Allah Inshallah you will move on.
Take care sister and make things easy for yourself if your mother in law wants to do something for you let her, you are in control of your own destiny with the guidance from the Greatest Allah.........
:tti_sister:

 

[IHearIslam]

Assalamu Alaikum dear sister

HUUUUUUUUUG!!!

well, sister like all the other sisters said.....MOVE OUT!
It's not worth to stay in such situation, tell your husband that this treatment MIGHT lead to the distruction of your marriage! because (and Allah knows BEST) you might just EXPLODE with anger if this goes on,on, AND on!
Try to be patient until ALlah gives you a way out! inshaAllah, I am sure your TTI family will keep you in their duas!

~brother Abdul Hasib, tabarakaAllah......your post was nice
may Allah reward you for it!Ameeen ya rab!

4.if you ask me she have to go to a psychotherapist... and I don´t say that to insult her or sth... I´m serious... can you not convince her to go...?

lo0o0ol sister Safiya!!! you are funniii wallahi!!!!! a psychotherapist!!!lo0o0ol.......for sure!!! it might make things a bit BETTER..lo0ol
PS....I am sorry sister poetic, I dont mean to be rude here...it was just funnyyyyyyy I could not help it. Please do forgive me
Allah hafiz now and always
MAY ALLAH make IT easy for you sweeeeeety Ameeeeen

 

[abulzan07]

:salam2:

Feel sorry fr sis but reading ur post i can make it lik scene in front of my eyes .....One thing i would says fr asia side muslims there practice of islam and everything lik dealing with wife family or society marriages or anything u can pick is totally culturally based nothing to do with islam being myslf an indian but trust me i hate so called cultural stuffs among indian pakistanis whch is on an all same.......SubhanAllah after comin to UK and i came to see real islam and i just hate my culture and most imp things asians did they have banned womens in masjids in india pakistan and even in UK if u go to blackburn leicester and mny mosque in london or anywere wer asians have dominated community too they dont have space in fr sister its just thr culture beliefs......Another prob among us is tht we are not ready to change our old beliefs thinking its right when i go bak home and tell people tht this is wrong practice and bidah they will say huh u just learn islam yestday and now tellin me what to do i have spend my whole lyf as muslim.......May Allah give understanding to our asians muslims to get out of thr culture and follow thr real culture whch is islamic culture and stop finding shortcuts of everythign even islamic things

 

[aaiwang]

....May Allah give understanding to our asians muslims to get out of thr culture and follow thr real culture whch is islamic culture and stop finding shortcuts of everythign even islamic things

Ameen,,insha-Allah, Islam will be Truth in the world forever!