lonely and unloved

Aapa

Mirajmom
Assalaam walaikum,

This is going to be one of those very long threads.

Sister...our sisters do not post desperate love affairs here. Our sisters do not have love affairs.

I will be kind to you. Let him go. What you are seeking is not there. It is gone. Muslims have good hook-ups. There are matrimonial sites; talk to the sisters.
It is a start.

The love you are describing is not the love of marriage. Marriage is practical. You need to be practical. When one falls into love one easily falls out of love.

I will make dua for you. You are still young. Insha'Allah, you will meet a man who is pious. Remember sister you want to marry a man whose faith matches yours. He has to believe and practice his faith.

Insha"Allah will provide you with a spouse.
 

Isra

aka Tree2008
Wa alaikome salam sister.

First please stop focusing on your age as if it is a major obstacle in your search for a husband because believe me it is not. I know that when you lose something important to you in your life you feel devastated and even the smallest things seem ultra important!

Continue to do what you are doing and that is to PRAY and keep your Iman strong. Continue to trust in ONLY Allah. Realize that you are being tested in faith and if you pass this test there are good things for you on the other side inshallah. Read Quran and pray on time as much as possible. Keep your spirits up by concentrating on things you enjoy doing. Try very hard not to think of that man anymore and dont contact him again as tempting as it may be for you. Remember that there is a reason this happened and only Allah has the answer as to why. You can occupy your mind by researching the internet to find information about Islam which can be beneficial to you now in your time of sorrow.

Inshallah sister once you get through this period of feeling great loss you will come to feel better about yourself for keeping your religion above all else in this world. You did the right thing sister by choosing Islam over any man.

There are some good Muslim marriage websites which are mostly free for women. I met my husband on one and even though you have to be VERY careful in using them my story is proof that they can and do work alhamdulillah. I am a revert and also lived in an area with very few Muslims and I am also not a young woman but alhamdulillah I met my husband and we married this past September. I couldnt be happier and all praise is due to Allah.

Please sis dont give up hope and keep your Iman strong. Inshallah Allah will reward you. "After hardship comes ease". Read Quran sis.

Good luck and keep us posted please!
 

sister herb

Official TTI Chef
Dear sister;

I am 5 years older than you, vidow but not hopeless to find new man even I have beed vidow over 10 years.

Can you contact to local imam? Asking some man from him? Or do you know sisters in your area?
 

Mina Mohammed

New Member
asslamu alikum dear sister,

Unfortunately, you're taking the wrong road...Instead of praying to Allaah as to be granted a 'better' spouse, you're praying to be brought back together with one that you loved(despited him being non-muslim) because you got yourself to believe that you have no time left to Love. Subhanallaah! Sister, what you need right now to be patient. You and that guy weren't meant to be, so try your best to (you said so yourself-) Move On. Many of our sisters now adays spend all their energy and time on their careers and whatnot, instead of settling down.:( dont get me wrong, Everyone has the right to get educated and earn money, but building a family is way more Important wallahi. It's better to work for both dunya and Aakhirah instead of focusing on just one(dunya). But it's never too late for you dear sister. Only Allaah knows what he has in store for your future...But in the meantime, keep praying to the Provider, Allaah, to bless you with a pious muslim brother who'll enjoy the rest of your life with you. and also, you might live in an area with very few muslims, but you never know- there might be good men who are looking for spouses among them...just as a sis above said, spread the word. tell as many sisters that you're looking to settle down, and Insha'allaah, we(ttiers) can help by suplicating for you. I wish you all the best sister:)
 

islamtrureligion

Junior Member
asaalamu alykum wr wb

Praise be to Allaah.

The marriage of a Muslim woman to a kaafir, no matter what his religion, is invalid according to sharee’ah and their intimacy is tantamount to fornication. They must be separated, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“And do not marry Al-Mushrikaat (idolatresses) till they believe (worship Allaah Alone). And indeed a slave woman who believes is better than a (free) Mushrikah (idolatress), even though she pleases you. And give not (your daughters) in marriage to Al-Mushrikoon till they believe (in Allaah Alone) and verily, a believing slave is better than a (free) Mushrik (idolater), even though he pleases you. Those (Al-Mushrikoon) invite you to the Fire, but Allaah invites (you) to Paradise and forgiveness by His Leave”

[al-Baqarah 2:221]

And Allaah says, stating that the Muslim women are not permissible in marriage for kaafir men (interpretation of the meaning):

“They are not lawful (wives) for the disbelievers nor are the disbelievers lawful (husbands) for them”

[al-Mumtahanah 60:10]

Al-Qurtubi (may Allaah have mercy on him) said in his book al-Jaami’ li Ahkaam al-Qur’aan (3/72): The ummah is unanimously agreed that a kaafir man cannot marry a Muslim woman at all because that undermines the position of Islam.

But if the man becomes a Muslim – as mentioned in the question – then he must re-marry the woman with a new marriage contract, because the first marriage contract was invalid and does not count for anything in sharee’ah.

Shaykh ‘Atiyah Muhammad Saalim said in his completion of the book Adwa’ al-Bayaan, 8/164-165:

Why is it permissible for a Muslim man to marry a kaafir woman from among the People of the Book (i.e., Jews and Christians), but it is not permissible for a Muslim woman to marry a kaafir man from among the People of the Book?

This question may be answered from two angles:

1 – That Islam should prevail and not be prevailed over. The role of maintainer and protector in marriage belongs exclusively to the husband, so the man may influence his wife and she may not be able to practice her religion as she should, and she may leave her religion altogether. Similarly the children will follow the religion of their father.

2 – Islam is comprehensive and other religions are limited, on which there is based a social matter that affects family life and the relationship between the spouses. This means is that if a Muslim man marries a Jewish or Christian woman, he believes in her Book and her Prophet, so he will deal with her on a basis of respect for her religion because he believes in it in general terms, and that will give them some common ground which may lead to her becoming Muslim as her own Book tells her. But if a Jewish or Christian man marries a Muslim woman, he does not believe in her religion so he will not have any respect towards her religion or her principles. There is no room for common ground with him with regard to something that he does not believe in at all. So there is no room for harmony or mutual understanding; there is no goodness in such a marriage, so it is forbidden in the first place.

make dua that inshaallah Allah swt will give you a rightous husband, inshaallah have sabr(patiance) .:tti_sister:

and Allah knows best
 

Ahsen

Junior Member
Aapa is right.You should move on.Maybe this is your first time loving someone,that's why you feel so desperate.I can understand you.You should pray to ALLAH to remove the man's feelings from your heart.Trust me it works.

I hope you find a good muslim who loves you.
 

Bawar

Struggling2Surrender
Wa alaikumussalam dear siste Precious Star.

The issue of feelings is one that can be very complicated if we try to solve it according to our own standards and more often than not, it turns out to be a failed approach. The other approach would be to prioritise things according to the way it has been explained to us by our way of life (Deen of Islam).

Believe it or not, feelings are our short-term needs/issue and Islam looks for solutions to those issues that affect our long-term wellbeing and happiness.

My purpose of mentioning the above two different points is one, that lets not allow emotions to rule us, but submit to the principles layed out for us by Islam.

Based on the information you have provided, I feel that you have had proposals, but have turned them down. This explains that you CAN get married if you wanted to. What you need to do is to perhaps be a little lenient in your criterea and change your priorities.

One of those priorities is that a Muslim should get married when he/she can and not stay single. Feelings can develope later. What we see on the TV screens is not a true or full picture. As much as two couples may be LOVED AND NOT LONELY, it does not last long as the approach is wrong and the expectations unrealistic. We all know how widespread divorce is in the same society that has injected this very thought of MARRIAGE BASED ON LOVE in our brains.

And perhaps I will start a little controversy here now, why are many Muslim sisters these days not willing to practice the Sunnah of the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him)? The reason I ask this is because I have heard of a few stories about some sisters through some female reltive that quiet a few muslim women that she knew prefer to continue living single than be a second wife.

My whole point is, there are certainly solutions to not only your specific problem, but to the problems of all our Muslim sisters living in Western societies.

My advice to you as a brother would be that this is your time to do Jihad against your Nafs (self, desire, heart) and come out stronger. If you allow your emotions to win you will become prone to abuse of different types. Be strong and as a practical believer, find yourself a husband who is good in Taqwa. The rest (love etc) will Inshallah follow.
 

Ahsen

Junior Member
I want to add something here.This might not be related to this thread,but just a tip.

The reason many love marriages fail is that they are either based on weak emotions or attractions.It's like a spark.2 lovers want to be together(that's their goal of being together).So when their goal is completed they don't feel that spark anymore.They lose interest in each other.

Result:either divorce or everyday fighting.

So you should always marry someone who is a good person,who loves you for who you are,not for what you look.I can write 2-3 pages on it but just wanted to give some info.
 

ShyHijabi

Junior Member
:salam2:

I live in North America too and wanted to correct a certain misconception about the legality of polygyny in America. It is illegal to marry more than one woman through the State. However since the nikah is not recognized as a legally binding contract (enforcable through the courts) one can have up to 4 nikahs simultaneously in America and be well within the law. It is no different than people having multiple partners, there is no law against that in the States.

As far as the advice concerning this particular male, Sister Aapa and Sister Harb nailed it on the head. In order for you to build a decent and proper Islamic marriage you need to start the relationship properly. This man was not Muslim so therefore you would do best to avoid him at all costs. I would seriously advise you to speak to the Imam at your local mosque and also to the sisters there as well. I am perplexed that your family has not been more helpful in finding you a match.
 

palestine

Servant of Allah
Walaikum waslaam, mashAllah! i must say you are a beautiful woman in every sense and aspect mashAllah. and no you are not doing the wrong thing by trying to move on and heal from this turmoil. Allah only puts to us the tests that we can bear. He never puts on our shoulders burdens we can't carry. The past few months or year should i say have beend devastating for me as well. I am a teenager at the age of 19 right now. 7 familys members have died from shootings beginning from january of 2010. and aside from that relationships (of course with the islamic guidelines included) have not gone so good, although now alhamdulillah everything is turning out for the best and on top of that school that is filled with racist slurs even by administration, YET DESPITE ALL THIS - ALHAMDULILLAH ONCE MORE. sister you are doing a great job. you are not lonely and unloved and you are not going to live lonley and unloved even if no man comes along to complete your life, because you know why? YOU ARE NOT LONELY AND YOU ARE LOVED, bi'idinlillahi kareem by Allah the Almighty, His angels and ME, why? cause you're among the most courageous and warm hearted sisters i have ever met, even if only virtually. but lots of love your way honey! you ARE LOVED.
Asalamu Alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu. =)
 

fagie

Junior Member
Salam sister.

What you are feeling emotionally is a hardship in itself.
Don't forget God's promise

Sura As-Sharh(Sura 94, 5-6)
"With every hardship, comes ease. Verily, with hardship comes ease."
 

Bawar

Struggling2Surrender
Dear Bawar,
I have not received proposals, at least not in the last 10 years. I am unsure how you concluded that I have received proposals.

Salam sister,

Sorry if I have misquoted you, but my guess was based on your following words:

I never had much success with traditional "proposals".

I bear in mind the fact that you came here as our sister in Islam for help/advie/consolation and therefore, in way did I mean to offend you and if it has felt that way, pleas forgiveme. I was trying to be of some help and see what solutions could available to your problem.

I would restate the advice of Sister ShyHijabi that you involve Imam of Masjid and Muslim sisters and more importantly if possible, your own family.

May Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) grant you the best of both abodes for your patience. No good deed and hardship is wasted with Allah.
 

Aapa

Mirajmom
Assalaam walaikum,

You have our prayers and support.

There are many brothers who are not Pakistani. Why not open the field. Why don't you place an ad.
You are still young.

I know for a fact there are many masjids in the NYC and Atlanta area. The brothers are always looking for a wife.

Become proactive.
 
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