salam aleikum- question 4 those who know HOW

[milenica]

Hello. The question I'm going to ask is really important to me and i really wish that somebody could come up with the good answer. I'm planning to get married. The things is that there was a physical contact between me and my future husband earlier. We regretted truly after that and decided to start all over again without touching. It's been a year since we are not having any physical contact(not even handshaking). We want everything to be pure before marriage is that is possible anyhow. However, we are tormented by the guilty conscience of our earlier mistakes. The worst thing is that there were some people that saw us hugging or even kissing in public. My reputation is ruined. They will always think that i am not responsible of my body and consider me impure. My future husband tried to convince those people that now we are different people, we changed. Moreover, he tried to 'fix' my reputation that was labelled 'bad' from the very beginning (because I am a Christian, so even if i didnt 'touch' him, i would be considered 'easy girl'; Europe=bad) It was all in vain. He said they would always think the other way. He is extremely tortured by this, too. We are really going through a hard period. He lives in the Middle East, me in Europe. But we have feelings for each other. And we do understand each other very good I'm planning to covert into Islam. This is my decision. We will probably live in the Middle East. The 'problem' may sound 'stupid' but it is very important for us. By gossiping, my reputation will probably get worse and worse. I know how things function in the Arab world. If we don't get over this, we will probably not be married. Is there anything that we can do to make those people 'shut up'? I know it is me and my future husband that are to blame. It's our fault that we let them see us being intimate in public. But, if we repented sincerely and if we are trying to be better people day after day, can we make things better, too?

thank you for your reading and possible reply

 

[uddim004]

:salam2:just a question, were the people who saw you with your to be husband while you were in europe or the middle east. if europe then if you move to the middle east then you won't have to listen to them. some people are like this they see what they want and won't let anything change their opinions.

oh and welcome to islam (i know your not muslim yet but you said you are planning to, so consider this an early welcome). there are many people on this forum who will god willingly give you advice.

 

[islamirama]

Hello. The question I'm going to ask is really important to me and i really wish that somebody could come up with the good answer. I'm planning to get married. The things is that there was a physical contact between me and my future husband earlier. We regretted truly after that and decided to start all over again without touching. It's been a year since we are not having any physical contact(not even handshaking). We want everything to be pure before marriage is that is possible anyhow. However, we are tormented by the guilty conscience of our earlier mistakes. The worst thing is that there were some people that saw us hugging or even kissing in public. My reputation is ruined. They will always think that i am not responsible of my body and consider me impure. My future husband tried to convince those people that now we are different people, we changed. Moreover, he tried to 'fix' my reputation that was labelled 'bad' from the very beginning (because I am a Christian, so even if i didnt 'touch' him, i would be considered 'easy girl'; Europe=bad) It was all in vain. He said they would always think the other way. He is extremely tortured by this, too. We are really going through a hard period. He lives in the Middle East, me in Europe. But we have feelings for each other. And we do understand each other very good I'm planning to covert into Islam. This is my decision. We will probably live in the Middle East. The 'problem' may sound 'stupid' but it is very important for us. By gossiping, my reputation will probably get worse and worse. I know how things function in the Arab world. If we don't get over this, we will probably not be married. Is there anything that we can do to make those people 'shut up'? I know it is me and my future husband that are to blame. It's our fault that we let them see us being intimate in public. But, if we repented sincerely and if we are trying to be better people day after day, can we make things better, too?

thank you for your reading and possible reply

Hello Sister,

As uddim bro said, if they are europeans or those who reside in europe than you really don't have anything to worry about. As for you and your potential's actions. If you repented from it then inshallah it is forgiven and behind you. And once you accept Islam, all your previous sins will be forgiven and you will be like a new born, free of sin. I wouldn't worry about them or what they think. If they are non-Muslims than it really doesn't matter because they have their own sins to worry about. If they are Muslims and you may have to deal with them in the future, just tell them to fear Allah and mind their own business and that hidayat (guidance) is from Allah. You as a new Muslim are free from all past sins and mistakes. Other than that, just move on with your life and don't letter others actions dictate how you live or what may happen down the road.

 

[Bawar]

Assalamu alaikum

I could not put it better than brother islamirama. Wonderful advice.
I would only add that Allah (God) is the judge and he has seen you which is far more important to worry about.

Sincere repentance by your husband-to-be and accepting Islam by you is the best way forward. As the brother also said, stop living for others, you can never achieve their pleasure. Instead, work for the pleasure of the one who created you.

Now then, the best solution is for you two to get married soon as possible before you slip again.

 

[milenica]

thank u for the answers, i really appreciate it...

unfortunately, those people who saw us are Arabs and it happened in the USA..Most of them we met there(all of us were visiting the USA back then), but they live in my husband-to-be hometown. We will probably have to deal with some of them; some of them became good friends with him (when it comes to 'male things', they get on very well; once they start asking him what is going on with us, my fiancee goes crazy..he remembers everything and feels sooo bad). He says that all of them keep asking what is going on between us and what are we going to do. As if they want to remind him: "Are you really planning to get married to that girl?! That's ridiculous!" I mean, they dont even have to say anything to him..just to give him one of those 'looks' that says more than a word.

I was hoping that they would be silent the moment they hear about me converting. I am really not the kind of girl whose life is dictated by other people's opinion, but if i am going to live in the Middle East, then i don't want to face this kind of thing every day.

Those people don't know me that good to label me as 'improper' just because what happened in the USA. At least we are planning to get married, not like many of them: having fun with Europeans and then come back home and marry a girl who hasn't touched a guy ever in her life. Doesn't religion apply to both, males and females with the same rules? i know it does, this was a rhetoric question, but the problem is that many of them are constantly perverting the words of Allah, misunderstanding things and modifying things written the way it suits them!

 

[islamirama]

thank u for the answers, i really appreciate it...

unfortunately, those people who saw us are Arabs and it happened in the USA..Most of them we met there(all of us were visiting the USA back then), but they live in my husband-to-be hometown. We will probably have to deal with some of them; some of them became good friends with him (when it comes to 'male things', they get on very well; once they start asking him what is going on with us, my fiancee goes crazy..he remembers everything and feels sooo bad). He says that all of them keep asking what is going on between us and what are we going to do. As if they want to remind him: "Are you really planning to get married to that girl?! That's ridiculous!" I mean, they dont even have to say anything to him..just to give him one of those 'looks' that says more than a word.

I was hoping that they would be silent the moment they hear about me converting. I am really not the kind of girl whose life is dictated by other people's opinion, but if i am going to live in the Middle East, then i don't want to face this kind of thing every day.

Those people don't know me that good to label me as 'improper' just because what happened in the USA. At least we are planning to get married, not like many of them: having fun with Europeans and then come back home and marry a girl who hasn't touched a guy ever in her life. Doesn't religion apply to both, males and females with the same rules? i know it does, this was a rhetoric question, but the problem is that many of them are constantly perverting the words of Allah, misunderstanding things and modifying things written the way it suits them!

First of all, your husband needs to calm down. When they ask something he can tell them to mind their own business, or that you you two are interested in each and will inshallah get married. Which is more than he can say for them and their actions.

You also should not give much attention to it. You said it yourself of their behavior here in the west and their twisting of their religion to suit themselves. You can't reason with such individuals, best you can do is ignore them. You husband (to be) should not even associate with them because we are to keep good company and stay way from bad one. They clearly aren't friends of your man so they shouldn't linger around. And you are in the best situation as ever. Inshallah once you take your shahada, you are free from all past sins. So if anything ever comes up in the future, you simply remind them you are free from all past sins, which is lot more than what you can say about them.

 

[esperanza]

First of all, your husband needs to calm down. When they ask something he can tell them to mind their own business, or that you you two are interested in each and will inshallah get married. Which is more than he can say for them and their actions.

You also should not give much attention to it. You said it yourself of their behavior here in the west and their twisting of their religion to suit themselves. You can't reason with such individuals, best you can do is ignore them. You husband (to be) should not even associate with them because we are to keep good company and stay way from bad one. They clearly aren't friends of your man so they shouldn't linger around. And you are in the best situation as ever. Inshallah once you take your shahada, you are free from all past sins. So if anything ever comes up in the future, you simply remind them you are free from all past sins, which is lot more than what you can say about them.

dear sister,,,,welcometothis site
youare brave tocome andtalk openly aboutthis

asthe brothers have told you once you become muslim,you will start anew,and foryour husband im sure he knows this is aboutrepentance

as for those people whoyou worry about ,who are from his home town..you have to ignore them

therearesome people who will talk about you whether for smallthings or big things,,,even without reason

butthyeare wrong..weshould not backbite nor expose the sins of believers.

you just have tobe strong andtry to always do your best,show them how you are now,,,,,the past will not go away,but intime things will be easier

theydonot have reason tojudge you ,that isbetween you and your god

and wihtyour husbandbeside you,god willing,you will be strong and riseasbove these things and suhc people,who you say are not so perfect themselves

i iwsh you well

your sister...

p.s.excuse my writing,ihave aproblem withmy keyboard

 

[milenica]

thank you

I really want to thank all of you who bothered to post a reply. It really means a lot to me.

@islamirama: i love your comment, you have right;my husband to-be really has to calm down..yesterday he told me there was a lot of anger towards his 'friends' in his mind and soul, so he was trying to keep it at the same level(at least) and not make it worse. He said he couldn't have respect for those people who didn't have respect for me. When i told him that he should avoid the people that made him feel bad, he said:"no more avoiding." I guess he decided to face them and inshallah this is a good news. These days he is, however, going out with them, because many of them work outside his country and they've just come for a holiday. Whenever they come, they go out for a while (but my fiancee doesn't let them talk about our relationship) He is really sensitive about this topic, he reads from their looks what they think about our relation and this is killing him..And this makes me really worried. Im far away from him, we just talk and see each others on skype, and these days im so afraid that he's gonna fall under their influence..

@esperenza thank you, too, for making me feel better..yes, you are right, my fiancee knows about repentance. But sometimes i feel that he wants to make both of us suffer soooo much due to our mistakes..Once, when he was mad and remembered all this, he said: "i want regrets, regrets!" And it's not enough that i say:"I regretted". I pray to God that He gives him strength to deal with his friends and make this anger inside him lessen.


I told him that we should, for example, go to the mosque and talk to someone there(i forgot how it is called in Arabic, sheh?")-sorry for the mispronunciation. Maybe telling him everything abotu our mistakes, repentance AND my conversion would make him feel better. I would like to hear what he would say when my husband to be tell him about his friends' reactions and how to deal with that. Inshallah it works out.

THANK YOU GUYS.

 

[strive-may-i]

I told him that we should, for example, go to the mosque and talk to someone there(i forgot how it is called in Arabic, sheh?")-sorry for the mispronunciation. Maybe telling him everything abotu our mistakes, repentance AND my conversion would make him feel better. I would like to hear what he would say when my husband to be tell him about his friends' reactions and how to deal with that. Inshallah it works out.
THANK YOU GUYS.

In Islam one need not confess anything or make repentance in front of an Imaam or Sheikh( unlike Christians do in Church.). Because its a matter between Almighty and the person. The Imaam/Sheikh atmost can inspire/guide /help in Shariah matters, its Allah who forgives

Having said that, yes one should Honestly seek Allahs forgiveness for one's sin. Almighty Allah is The Forgier, The Pardoner, He knows every Intent,,,,,
But if one has wronged another person, then he should seek forgiveness from one who was wronged. Because if not pardoned, Almighty might also not Pardon!!

Hope this helps too..