Assistance with Marriage

[ATA95]

As-Salamu Alaykum brothers and sisters. Recently I've been thinking deeply about the next few years in my life and where I aim to be during that time. Since I have learnt much more about Islam and gained a deeper understanding into this beautiful way of life, marriage has been on my mind. I've successfully left p*rn and masturbating all together by the help of Allah, Alhamdulillah. I've cleaned up my language, began to do many more good deeds and become a better person. I've increased my Imaan strength and am on my way to finish learning Salah soon.

From this I've really thought about marriage. I tried talking to my mother about it but since she is a Catholic she doesn't understand the value or purpose of marriage by her thinking that I'm too young, I'm getting a little ahead of myself, I might not want to be with that woman down the track and that there is nothing wrong with having a girlfriend which she believes isn't forbidden in Islam (I know it is forbidden. Don't worry!). My father is Muslim but not practising and I don't live with him so I can't get assistance from him. The only real person I can get advice from is my Islamic teacher who helps me with Salah etc.

Anyway since I have had a good experience with this wonderful forum so far I thought I would ask for any tips, suggestions or pointers on where to go with marriage. I'm 16 and plan to look for a wife next year in 2012 after I learn Salah and get a job. After that I'll be ready for a wife. I'll most likely get help through my Islamic teacher with marriage and see what he can do to help me find a wife. Feel free to give me any valuable links or personal experiences etc. Please give me in-depth info as this is really important to me. Thanks.

 

[Itqan Ullah]

Excellent news brother, also thank you for considering my advise!
I pray to allah to give you a loving and religiously committed spouse....♥♥♥

 

[esperanza]

salam brother

glad to read your sorting yourself out,,,,and ihope things get better inshallah
its good that your thinking avbout marriage even your so young...
maybe there is someone in the family you trust a relative to guide you ..but also you say your islamic teacher is helping you ..im sure there is a big muslim comminuty there and others who will guide you
keep it up may allah make things easier for you inshallah

 

[Tomtom]

As'alaamu Alaikkum

No DO NOT get married!

You are too young to get married at the age of only 16, one has to be emotionally mature to have the responsibility of looking after a spouse. If I'm not mistaken you are still at school, and you haven't even experienced what doing a job would be like. Again holding a job with the responsibilities that brings also will test you. Marriage is not something that is done on a whim, this is the reason there are so many divorces in the West because people do not think things through and they do not think of the future properly. Make sure that your future wife is also marrying for the right reasons, if two people are not 100% committed it is doomed to fail. Sorry.

I don't mean to depress you with my advise, but this is the REALITY.

 

[EGY.Muslim]

Assalam alikum brother,

I guess its too early to marry now ,you need first to get a better education ,better life experience plus more knowladge at islam to choose your wife correctly.

you might be able to marry at 21-22 when you finish your study and get more knowladge of islam

 

[Aapa]

Assalaam walaikum,

Brother,

It is wonderful to see you posting. And, I must say you have me thinking. So, please read my thoughts.

What I am learning in my journey of faith is the letting go of erroneous patterns of thinking that we swallowed from the duyna. I am not suggesting everything is wrong. What I am pondering is weighing them against what is correct.

And although you are very young that does not mean you are not mature. You are right in turning to adults to seek guidance. Take counsel from what makes sense; no matter how you look at the issue of marriage the answers must all be the same. You must always listen to the Love of Allah.

One of my sons is your age, Alhumdullila. Were he to come to me and tell me that he is contemplating marriage..well..I already have at least 16 girls in mind. And..yes, I have discussed the fact that they may bless me with four daughter in laws...think if they call got pregnant at the same time...I would be in heaven.

InshaAllah, you are in our dua.

 

[Noor El-Huda]

This is a tricky one brother. There are those who no matter how old they get they lack maturity, and those who mature from a young age. some that marry young and do fabulous, live up to the responsibility, and some mess up quite a bit.

brother, you do come across as not the average 16 year old. You express yourself well mashallah, you are keen on becoming a better muslims. Part of that is you want to complete your deen inshallah. I think you don't want to hear that you need to many years for that. Inshallah you won't have to wait toooo long. You do need to keep in balance how much you wait and how well you are keeping on the straight path inshallah. The latter is very crucial in your decision making.

Brother, there are parts of the world where it is not uncommon to see a 14/15 year old girl get married (Islamically) and the husband, 18/19. Sometimes when young ladies and lads are thrown into the deep end, they do manage. they do take on that responsibility. Ofcourse they would need the support and guidance of elders, but that is required for older couples too. you find 35+ couples seek advice regarding marriage.

However the age factor depends on the individual, you. Generally speaking it is advisable that you push the matter that little bit further, whist working towards marriage. Do not feel disheartened by the wait, you are at an essential stage of preparation for your objective. With every step you take, you will be getting closer.

Also during that time, do your research about early marriages. Learn about all that is involved. You will come to learn about all the pros and cons. Only you will be able to recognise when you're ready for that committment, for the compromises invovled and responsibilities. Once you've assessed the sitution well enough and you still feel you want to go ahead. An indicator for that is when the matter puts your deen at stake, then it would be reasonable to take a few gap years in order to secure the financial side, and try and manage all that is involved. Then you can continue your education alongside work and marriage. An indicator to prolong is when marrying feels like you are taking a bigger bite than you can chew. Then it would make utmost sense to follow the hadith of the prophet pbuh for those in your situation, when the prophet advised men that those who are able to get married to do so, and those who aren't to fast.( look up hadith). Also, there's been scholarly advice that sports helps too.

You are doing the right thing brother by taking the advise to help you in this, although please do not mind my honesty, islamically we are required not to reveal wrongdoings,one best not expose what Allah swt has covered for him. This is for the benefit of the muslim ummah. So when one seeks advice it is recommended that sensitive details are limited, unless absolutely necessary, then you limit how much and to whom you say.

Brother, may Allah make things easy for you and keep you progressing and grant you what you wish inshallah.

 

[ATA95]

Update (with a Question)

Thank you all for your replies, I really do appreciate it. It has got me thinking more about marriage. Sure I may be a little young but I have thought about this deeply. There's many reasons why I want to get married and a few of them are to fulfil half of the deen, please Allah by doing what he has commanded and putting my desires in the right channels.

As I have said before where I live in Western society with sex, liquor, swearing etc popping up everywhere I go, it's very difficult to stay on the right path. Fortunately I have been going back to the mosque and been learning Salah etc. If I don't get married I could fall into the terrible trap of p*rn, masturbating and even committing zina. I don't want to fall onto that wrong path. I want to save myself from committing those sins.

I'd like to ask about the different ways of finding a wife. I know that there is some good online Islamic sites like Half our Deen and that there can be arranged marriages. Could someone please explain arranged marriages and any other types of ways a wife could be found. Thanks.

 

[a_stranger]

:salam2:

I think that if there is a lot of fitna (trial) around you and you feel that marriage will help you to avoid haram , then you should marry ......but try to learn about how to deal with your wife in the best way. When two people from different families live together they need to take care about each other , and forgive each other........people are different..........but how will you support your new family .....do you work?

I am sure that Allah will make things easy for you since your intention is to please Allah subhanahu wa taala , but Allah want us to prepare and plan as much as we can for our life.

 

[a_stranger]

Arranged marriage is the way most of muslems do, and I saw most of them is very successful . You go to some elder muslems who you know that they are wise And you can depend on them ....and tell them what you like in your present wife then they will tell you about some girls ...you see them -first i think it is better without telling about your intention- then if you feel you like some girl you and some elders may be your mother why not ? If she a greed and ask the wali of the girl ; father or uncle for her hand .

I pray that Allah grant you a good muslem wife who helps you to worship Allah.

 

[Noor El-Huda]

Some mosques have a marriage service. I think the way it works is you leave your details and they will tell you about those registered with them. So it might be worth registering with more than one to give yourself more choice. Social networking helps, when you feel you're ready, spread the word amongst friends and ask them to help, so they ask their friends and relatives.

Sometimes there are bad connotations associated with arranged marriaged. they are sometimes percieved as the couple have been blindfolded and joined to gether. You have the right to see as many until you feel comfortable that this girl seems to meet your criteria. The same goes for the females. After that you learn about each other in the presence of her wali. You can have as many meetings until both sides feel comfortable enough to pursue marriage.

To keep this purely islamic, I would recommend that all communication is in those meetings, to keep shaitan away. When people start having online chats together, although their intentions are for marriage, shaitan starts doing his share to add his type of sparkle and you are two young vulnerable people. Also one to one could develop feelings before you know whether the person fits your criteria or not, and thus cloud the judgement. That's not to say that feelings won't develop in meetings with the wali, but shaitan is out when there is a third perosn who is a muhram to the girl.

About online marriage sites can get you to fall into what I described above, so if you take that option, tread with caution and involve a third person walli by either making the communication to both, or requesting meetings with girl and wali right from start. Allah knows best.

May Allah make the halal easy for you.

 

[MuslimShadow]

assalam u alaikum.

i had already guessed about the reason for early marriage.

i would personally suggest that u offer 2 rakat istikhara salah & ask ALLAH to guide u & inshallah u will get your answer.

 

[Itqan Ullah]

yeah sister is right, plz do istakhara.
Mailed you the procedure, plz check your email inbox and yes I am awaiting your response on previous mails.

Regards,
Mohd.Itqan Ullah

 

[Shasmeen]

Salaam

How do you know when someone is ready for marrige? I was in a relationship with someone before I converted, all was perfect. After I converted we stopped seeing each other for fear of zina.

He asked me to marry him a few times and even though i never answered him, he knew I want to marry him. But now he doesn't even mention nikah. On the other hand I have everyone else encouraging me to marry. They say they'll "get me a nice muslim boy". Is wrong to wait for my "ex-boyfriend"?

I want to be a pious wife when I do marry, but there is so much pressure from other muslims.


What to do?

 

[IHearIslam]

Assalaamu Alaykum everyone,

just thought to tell you that in marriage you gotta be financially stable! At 16? I do not think you're financially stable and can support a family! if anything, you probably get paid the minimum wage and that aint enough!

At this time of age, your hormones are probably playing tricks on you---which is why there is advice for those who're unable to marry (coz of financial or other issues) and that is to FAST! Yes, to fast and insha'Allah that should lesson your desires and whatnot.

Also, just my thoughts: I believe that marriage consists of three categories:

Spiritual---You've to be spiritually ready in helping your spouse to attain the highest level of Jannah. Marriage is a journey and one that should be taken with the remembrance of Allah---following that which is commanded and staying away from that which he prohibited. Prior to marriage you at least need to know the basics of what is Haraam and what is halaal.

Emotional: This is important. You have to be thinking straight when seeking a spouse. Yes it is good to complete half of your seen, but can you emotionally handle a wife? Can you handle marriage with its ups and downs? How strong are you when solving inner conflicts as well familial conflicts? What are your strategies for handling stressful situations? How well can you communicate your wants and needs? Marriage in Islam is not all about happy endings and a bed of flowers like the picture hollywood paints for us---it is more than that. It is a relationship deeply rooted in love, trust and understanding. A relationship which seeks to please Allah, rather then displeasing him. A relationship in which two people MUST WORK TOGETHER for the ultimate prize of Jannah Al-firdows a'la!
So, ask yourself----ARE....YOU.....READY....?...EMOTIONALLY???

Financial: Last but not least, there is the financial aspect. Are you able to support a family? What would you give as a bridal gift? Are you able to buy a house or rent an apartment? Will your job be sufficient for you and your wife if she chooses to stay at home? How are you going to be able to pay for the actual wedding? even the simplest one needs some sort of payment. On and On and On....it is and endless list.

Bottom line is....with your age and the culture in which you now live in.......marriage might not be the answer right now?

Think about DEEP and HARD......


Ps: I am not trying to discourage you, however, I want you to think logically rather than emotionally.

 

[Al-bint]

Assalamualaikum!

hey have you tried www.halfourdeen.com ? May be it can help you

wasalaam!

 

[Al-bint]

Assalaamu Alaykum everyone,

just thought to tell you that in marriage you gotta be financially stable! At 16? I do not think you're financially stable and can support a family! if anything, you probably get paid the minimum wage and that aint enough!

At this time of age, your hormones are probably playing tricks on you---which is why there is advice for those who're unable to marry (coz of financial or other issues) and that is to FAST! Yes, to fast and insha'Allah that should lesson your desires and whatnot.

Also, just my thoughts: I believe that marriage consists of three categories:

Spiritual---You've to be spiritually ready in helping your spouse to attain the highest level of Jannah. Marriage is a journey and one that should be taken with the remembrance of Allah---following that which is commanded and staying away from that which he prohibited. Prior to marriage you at least need to know the basics of what is Haraam and what is halaal.

Emotional: This is important. You have to be thinking straight when seeking a spouse. Yes it is good to complete half of your seen, but can you emotionally handle a wife? Can you handle marriage with its ups and downs? How strong are you when solving inner conflicts as well familial conflicts? What are your strategies for handling stressful situations? How well can you communicate your wants and needs? Marriage in Islam is not all about happy endings and a bed of flowers like the picture hollywood paints for us---it is more than that. It is a relationship deeply rooted in love, trust and understanding. A relationship which seeks to please Allah, rather then displeasing him. A relationship in which two people MUST WORK TOGETHER for the ultimate prize of Jannah Al-firdows a'la!
So, ask yourself----ARE....YOU.....READY....?...EMOTIONALLY???

Financial: Last but not least, there is the financial aspect. Are you able to support a family? What would you give as a bridal gift? Are you able to buy a house or rent an apartment? Will your job be sufficient for you and your wife if she chooses to stay at home? How are you going to be able to pay for the actual wedding? even the simplest one needs some sort of payment. On and On and On....it is and endless list.

Bottom line is....with your age and the culture in which you now live in.......marriage might not be the answer right now?

Think about DEEP and HARD......


Ps: I am not trying to discourage you, however, I want you to think logically rather than emotionally.

I agree. completely! plus brother when you dont have your parents participating, do you think you can take a good decision? Just saying. Rest May Allah make things easy for you!

wa salaam!