mother doesn't have hope for me

Precious Star

Junior Member
OK so here's the latest.

I'm 41 and sad that my parents never helped me to get married. In fact they never talked about it out loud.

So the last few days I was in another city, for my work. I had a day to myself so I went and visited a close friend of mine. We are about the same age, same profession, but she is married and 2 kids. She bought a new house and this was the first time I saw it. It was really beautiful, lots of windows and light, and her two children aged 4 and 2 played in the room adjacent to the kitchen while my friend and her husband made breakfast for me. It was a nice, peaceful, loving atmosphere.

Something I wanted so much for myself. I remember years ago my friend told me to start looking for a man but I had to explain to her that my parents were very strict and it was not something I was allowed to do (she is not muslim, but she understands my religious restrictions as her parents are originally from India). She warned me that I may end up alone, but I was too scared of my parents to do anything. Anyway, she got married a few years later and....happily ever after.

So I get home yesterday and I tell her about my friend's new home and how lovely it was. My mother knows I have always yearned to have a nice house and be a homemaker - have a nice kitchen, decorate, take care of my family -- and she knows about my grief over the fact that I did not have children. As usual, my mother says "well of course they have a beautiful home, both husband and wife are working so why shouldn't they?".

She says this everytime I mention a friend's family home. Actually, whenever I mention something family-related that is happening to someone else, she makes some comment to suggest that it is not for me so why am I bothering. Like, when my best friend got married she said "don't think you will have a wedding like this." When another very close friend got married she said "oh of course she found a nice husband, but her parents have contacts all over north america - we are not like that!". When another couple got married, a hindu girl and christian guy but both from India, she said that of course it was easy for the girl to get married because she doesn't care about religion; our muslim girls care about religion. There are other ladies in my office who got married and are now expecting babies, and when I tell my mom about them (because everyone in the office makes a big deal - gives them presents, talk about babies at meetings and in the lunchroom, etc) she says "of course those people get married and have babies; they are allowed to meet their husbands in university and marry them, but you are different".

So yesterday when my mom repeated her usual stock comment about my friend's house, I said "I knew you would say that, because you say that everytime." And my mom couldn't understand what was wrong with that. So I told her instead of making these comments, why can't you say "Insha'Allah you will have a beautiful home of your own and a nice husband and chidlren too someday"?

anyway, she's now mad at me and gave me the silent treatment when I went over to her place today for a visit.

I know that by now i probably won't have that but there is nothing wrong with her saying something kind instead of something to discourage me. All the years of inaction and silence discouraged me enough.

You have to understand something before you judge me. No one in my family has ever said "Insha'Allah you will have a family some day". Never. My parents bent over backwards for my brothers' weddings, and did everything for their children - i did too -- but the brothers never held out a helping hand for my marriage and never said to me that they want me to have a family life of my own. Never. I think my mom wanted it for me deep in her heart, but my dad was very authoritarian so whatever he said we did. So I guess now that I am 41 and I know my time is over, I am sad and angry at the sacrifice I made for my parents. My obedience came at a cost. Why wouldn't my parents ever say hopeful things for me? Its fine to read dua with your salaat. But you have to impart hope to your children, not fear, not threats that if you do something we dislike we will stop talking to you.

Don't you think saying "Insha'Allah we hope the same for you" is better than coming up with 100 reasons why I can't have a marriage and children?
 

Aapa

Mirajmom
Assalaam walaikum,

InshaAllah you will have a husband. Sister, if you wish to marry let me know. I now have major connections. These are good people. I will even have my students make dua for you. ( Seriously, my sisters around here have an enormous community.)

( I am seriously becoming a matchmaker...it is so much fun..)
 

serena77

Junior Member
Salaams sis
sadly i can relate... my parents do not know i've reverted ... I'm a few years younger than you but not too many.. i live w/ my parents again to help them out... and i have a decent job here now but there is no talk ever of me moving out, getting married.. adopting or some how else having a family.. not even of me returning to the university... ( i left after i was assaulted... got really sick.. horrible PTSD..etc... ) so i can sympathize...

I pray Allah (swt) will hear your prayers and give you what you so desire and in the mean time will help to open your parents hearts to the idea...
Serena
 

Precious Star

Junior Member
Salaams sis
sadly i can relate... my parents do not know i've reverted ... I'm a few years younger than you but not too many.. i live w/ my parents again to help them out... and i have a decent job here now but there is no talk ever of me moving out, getting married.. adopting or some how else having a family.. not even of me returning to the university... ( i left after i was assaulted... got really sick.. horrible PTSD..etc... ) so i can sympathize...

I pray Allah (swt) will hear your prayers and give you what you so desire and in the mean time will help to open your parents hearts to the idea...
Serena

Sadly there are so many reasons muslim women don't get married. But when the parents and siblings don't care then it is almost impossible. You have to be young slim and pretty to attract random proposals.
As women our role is to be mothers but to be frank the men in our communities do nothing to help their daughters achieve that goal. In my own family my brother had a girlfried but the minute she agreed tto "convert" my parents welcomed her and showered her with jewels.
But me? I had to be the good girl who stood by her Parents while the brothers got the babies. I am paying a mortgage while my parents give my brothers oodles of cash so they can renovate their homeswith the latest gadgets.

All I wanted was to have a companion and children of my own.
But my parents brainwashed me into believing it was not possible due to my religion. Why do I have to spend my life alone? Why?
 

helpinghumanity

Junior Member
Assalamo alaikum wa rahmatullah sister,

May Allah grant you what you desire. Never lose the hope sister..Inshallah one day you will start a thread saying "alhamdolillah I got married", and we all will be very very happy for you.

Anyhow other parents should learn a lesson from your situation. I hope sister Aapa really puts you in her "Priority list" and I hope that you tries her level best..
 

slaveofAllah88

Slave of Allah (swt)
aslam o aliakum wr wb,

sister, why dont you try for yourself to get married?
its every individual need to be with a companion and Alhumdulilah we have sister Aapa (which means elder sister lol ) so let her look out for your and help you out i would really suggest that :)

walaikum salam wr wb
 

Hajjerr

He is Dhul-Jalali Wal-Ikram
salam aleikum wa rahmatulahy wa barakatuh

Dear sister, recently i was reading a news paper and there was a list of womans that hade babys after 40 years, i honestly thought about you, they all hade different reasons, career, married later, but all went normal.
Inchallah, Allah will take care of you too.

:salam2:
 

Aapa

Mirajmom
Assalaam walaikum,


Sister,

I am serious. I am in the process of seeking a wife for a wonderful brother. As soon as I can get that settled..about two weeks..InshaAllah....I will devote time for you. Allah subhana wa taala has blessed me with a large Muslim community. And, I would be so blessed to seek a husband on your behalf...sunshine..lollipops and rainbows..it's all good...Please allow us to have fun with you...InshaAllah.
 

Precious Star

Junior Member
salam aleikum wa rahmatulahy wa barakatuh

Dear sister, recently i was reading a news paper and there was a list of womans that hade babys after 40 years, i honestly thought about you, they all hade different reasons, career, married later, but all went normal.
Inchallah, Allah will take care of you too.

:salam2:

Thank you Hajerr. I am sure all those women on the list were married and had been trying for a while. I am not married. And it doesn't sound like my mother believes that I will ever be on "the list".
 

bmw540i

Junior Member
Salaams,

My dear sister it is sad when our old mothers who enjoyed their marriage are now playing a guilty one with you.My advice to you is your biological clock is way past it,s time but it is never too late.I notice Aapa is on a role take advantage of it and like she says go and have fun.You are not too old you still can have have a good life so go for it.
 

strive-may-i

Junior Member
Salaams,

My dear sister it is sad when our old mothers who enjoyed their marriage are now playing a guilty one with you.My advice to you is your biological clock is way past it,s time but it is never too late.I notice Aapa is on a role take advantage of it and like she says go and have fun.You are not too old you still can have have a good life so go for it.
:salam2:
With proofs of news about ladies in their 50 and even closer to 70s give birth to a healthy kid, I want to say, never loose hope. Allah will grant whats good for us. Sabr...

Now Sister, after your last post, I felt something more is coming. And its good now that you have expressed situation clearly here. From the way I see it, unlike others, you have show a greater tolerance and patience in this matter. Now all these years of sabr which you showed dont let it go waste, maintain it. I know its easily said than done;May Allah reward you for your good intentions... Ameen. Seek Allah's mercy and guidance, am sure you will be bestowed with joy and happiness.

Its now time for action. You could talk to a relative closer to you, or a family friend and get this initiated from outside your own family; a close family friend can easily impress and put pressure on your family. If there are none, you can take up the matter in persuasive manner, with your cousins / parents or siblings . Or like whats already suggested, try here. "The sunshine lollipop and rainbow Aunt" aka Aapa, comes to my mind.

May Almighty Allah, make the matters easier for you. May Allah bless you with a worthy man sooner and may you be bestowed with children, who will grow up to set examples for others in Imaan, good deeds and actions... Ameen
 

Hajjerr

He is Dhul-Jalali Wal-Ikram
Salaams sis
sadly i can relate... my parents do not know i've reverted ... I'm a few years younger than you but not too many.. i live w/ my parents again to help them out... and i have a decent job here now but there is no talk ever of me moving out, getting married.. adopting or some how else having a family.. not even of me returning to the university... ( i left after i was assaulted... got really sick.. horrible PTSD..etc... ) so i can sympathize...

I pray Allah (swt) will hear your prayers and give you what you so desire and in the mean time will help to open your parents hearts to the idea...
Serena

salam aleikum wa rahmatulahy wa barakatuh

Allah is the best planner my dear sister, may Allah make things easy for you and for everyone of us, ameen.

Hadith - Al-Tirmidhi #1570, Narrated Jabir ibn Abdullah

Allah's Messenger said, "On the Day of Resurrection, when people who have suffered affliction are given their reward, those who are healthy will wish their skins had been cut to pieces with scissors when they were in the world."

:salam2:
 

Ahsen

Junior Member
Well. You must be from pakistan .Because you are not alone.Most south asian parents are like this. Obedience does cost you many things. If we walk on their path we will end up like them.

Though I am a man but my mom also talks like yours,but on other issues.
 

Aapa

Mirajmom
Assalaam walaikum,

Sister,

Your believing brothers and sisters have faith, InshaAllah.

And I have been known to call a parent to soften their hearts once in a blue moon...whatever I can do I will ;you see your happiness is important to us.
 

Bawtz

New Member
:salam2:

Marriage is not for me.No women giving me a headache and no kids crying and screaming at the top of their lungs.

I will fear Allah and worship him and continue to pursue my career. Allah wills it for some and not other, I accept that.
 

palestine

Servant of Allah
In shaa Allah you will have a beautiful home, husband and children. It is never too late. Allah subhaanahu wa ta'ala is never unjust to His slaves. If you don't attain that happy home, husband and children in this world, then in shaa Allah you will attain it in a better place - jannatul firdaus al a3la bi'idnillah =) Don't let your surroundings discourage. you can still get married in shaa Allah and of course what's destined is destined. the first trustworthy place that I can direct you to for soulmate searching is purematrimony.com may Allah grant you a future with a righteous husband and children who will be the coolness of your eyes. =) in the meantime focus on your relationship with Allah. Allah provides the way out always -just keep hoping and He won't fail you. =) *hugs*
 

Precious Star

Junior Member
In shaa Allah you will have a beautiful home, husband and children. It is never too late. Allah subhaanahu wa ta'ala is never unjust to His slaves. If you don't attain that happy home, husband and children in this world, then in shaa Allah you will attain it in a better place - jannatul firdaus al a3la bi'idnillah =) Don't let your surroundings discourage. you can still get married in shaa Allah and of course what's destined is destined. the first trustworthy place that I can direct you to for soulmate searching is purematrimony.com may Allah grant you a future with a righteous husband and children who will be the coolness of your eyes. =) in the meantime focus on your relationship with Allah. Allah provides the way out always -just keep hoping and He won't fail you. =) *hugs*

Thank you sweet sister. But it has been many years that I have been praying, and a heartbreak in between, so I do not see a resolution to this rampage on my soul. I am in the depths of the despair because so many have hurt me and trampled on my heart and soul whereas my intentions were always pure, genuine and honest. Sometimes Allah shows us signs that we simply refuse to see. I don't know what He has in store for me. So far, I am not going down the road that you have so beautifully envisioned for me. So far, my road is isolated, barren and dry.
 

Aapa

Mirajmom
Assalaam walaikum,

Sister,

Why not walk down my path for a moment. It is sunshine, rainbows and lollipops. It is not easy but each time it rains is an additional opportunity to make dua. Life is not easy for anyone. Do not look at the half empty glass...look at the potential.
There are days sister when the last thing in the world I want to do is smile. But, I do. I have reduced it to seconds. Make each second, precious.
And sister, trust me there are many men who wish to marry you...just PM me, please....

( look at this from my point of view...I go looking for a husband and all I get is a hearse...ask my students...we are scared to go out with me...and there are Believing brothers waiting for you...let me figure out why I attract the dead..and you the living..haha)
 

yasak80

Junior Member
salam sister,

With patience and pray we should want , but if not happens think that behind it there would be many bad results....
for having children and marriage we should want what is best for us.


3 years ago, I was working in a same bank with a woman who was 50 , she was so beautiful and kind person. I have never seen anything bad about her. I really liked her.
one day I meet her in the street, she was alone.
I thought myself : How can so beautiful and kind person becomes alone? I did not believe it.
And thought that was it justice while difficult people are happily married?

After leaving my work there I heard that she was married !!!!
with one of her past school friend whose wife was died many years ago.
And I was very happy about her.
So, I learned not to decide early.
:)
 

Precious Star

Junior Member
Assalaam walaikum,

Sister,

Why not walk down my path for a moment. It is sunshine, rainbows and lollipops. It is not easy but each time it rains is an additional opportunity to make dua. Life is not easy for anyone. Do not look at the half empty glass...look at the potential.
There are days sister when the last thing in the world I want to do is smile. But, I do. I have reduced it to seconds.
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But Aapa, you had babies. You have two children, and some day you will have daughters in law and grandchildren. A family!

I did not even get the chance to TRY to have a baby. And now I am too old. And I didn't really have the chance to TRY to find a husband, due to religious and cultural restrictions. You were able to pursue marriage and children, I wasn't. Life is not easy for anyone. But we get through hardships through the love and support of our family. We don't come home to empty homes and cry silently in our bedrooms. We embrace the love around us. We want caring people to put an arm around us and tell us don't worry, it will be ok. But I don't have that, and I never did Aapa, unlike yourself. Have you spent your entire adult life alone? No, there has been love and spouses and babies in your life, and in the future there will be more babies and your family will grow.

I know we must force ourselves to smile even amidst the despair. I know that. But I am so darn tired. I feel like I am going to lose my job any day. I wish I could pick up the phone right now and call someone who will tell me it will be ok, I will be ok....but I don't have anyone.
 
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