how to cope with my sister?

[etoile_de_mer]

Assalaamu Alaykum wr wb !

i just wanted ur opinion bros and sis to my problem
i have an elder sister who is very jealous of me since childhood. she makes everything she can to hurt me and prevent me to succeed.i had a miserable childhood i even had health problems due to her ways of behaving with me,,i love her...but she just want to misbehave with me all the time...i can recall 2-3 times that she was nice to me ,that's all!,,the rest her attitude is always negative towards me only..my mom n dad have not been able to solve this till now..they abandoned the idea ..and more often they blame me..
i have suffered for a long time...even uncles and aunts could not solve this. Now we are both married ..and have kids...SHE STILL BEHAVE THE SAME...i cannot talk to her..she back answeres me fiercely...harshly ..rudely...
for ALLAH's sake i won't break this relationship ..cos i want ALLAH(SWT) to give me JANNAH ..Insha ALLAH!

this is toooooooo tough for me...she lives in UK>.....and me in our home country..and i feel too many years have passed and she doesn't want to change..
plz tell me sisters and brothers how to cope with this..and how to react with her? i'm human ..how to remain silent when someone sooo close to u always use bad words?

 

[Islam!!yay]

:salam2:

She mistreats you because shes jealous of you ? Do she want something from you ? People like her must be dealt with aggressiveness in my opinion , force her to say why shes like that.

I hope other bros/sis have better more effective solutions insha'Allah

May Allah SWT The Most Great The Most High Help you and your sister Insha'Allah!

 

[John Smith]

Be charitable to your sister by smiling back at her, remind yourself of the hearafter and do Dua that Allah Swt changes the course of her heart towards you.

I have the same situation with my elder brother.

 

[Aapa]

Assalaam walaikum,

I suggest that you speak to your brother in law about getting a second wife.

 

[etoile_de_mer]

Be charitable to your sister by smiling back at her, remind yourself of the hearafter and do Dua that Allah Swt changes the course of her heart towards you.

I have the same situation with my elder brother.

Jazak Allahu Khayran brother,
in fact i try to behave the best i can with her..so that she sees how i am kind towards her...but she get annoyed and never answeres me with a smile...i never had a sweet talk from her!!!!can u imagine this? whatever i do..i get a big kick in the back..like my mom was sick..i was taking care of her..meanwhile she is far in UK...she emailed me...and replied harshly saying that i go to my mom's house to eat and don't wash the dishes etc...she turn every situation into a bad one..and accuses me all the time!

"She mistreats you because shes jealous of you ? Do she want something from you ? People like her must be dealt with aggressiveness in my opinion , force her to say why shes like that."to answer this ..i am 4 yrs younger to her and i remember one day after several days of bashing..i cried ...and told her to tell me what is the prob? she said she is jealous of me for being slimmer and more beautiful than her.
i know well ALLAH (SWT) favoured me in a lot of ways ,i think this is a big test on me ,i fear ALLAH(SWT) . my iman has increased all throughout those years and i wear the hijab, pray on time, etc whereas she is the manager of a famous bank in UK and is not a practicing muslim! and i can't even tell her that her job is haraam...

whenever i hear that she is coming for holiday...my heart begins to beat faster and i'm scared of her reaction..and she always end up fighting with me..

brothers & sisters plz pray for me !

 

[strive-may-i]

Assalaamu Alaykum wr wb !

i just wanted ur opinion bros and sis to my problem
i have an elder sister who is very jealous of me since childhood. she makes everything she can to hurt me and prevent me to succeed.i had a miserable childhood i even had health problems due to her ways of behaving with me,,i love her...but she just want to misbehave with me all the time...i can recall 2-3 times that she was nice to me ,that's all!,,the rest her attitude is always negative towards me only..my mom n dad have not been able to solve this till now..they abandoned the idea ..and more often they blame me..
i have suffered for a long time...even uncles and aunts could not solve this. Now we are both married ..and have kids...SHE STILL BEHAVE THE SAME...i cannot talk to her..she back answeres me fiercely...harshly ..rudely...
for ALLAH's sake i won't break this relationship ..cos i want ALLAH(SWT) to give me JANNAH ..Insha ALLAH!

this is toooooooo tough for me...she lives in UK>.....and me in our home country..and i feel too many years have passed and she doesn't want to change..
plz tell me sisters and brothers how to cope with this..and how to react with her? i'm human ..how to remain silent when someone sooo close to u always use bad words?

:salam2:

Dear Sister, you are doing your part nicely, dont stop that. Maybe you were made her sister, because if she had another sister as aggressive as her, then the house would have come down!!

You have behaved like an elder and shown care. You are the grown up. Now its time to let courage in you to grow. to stand up and speak is courage, to sit down and listen is also courage. Tell her in good strong clear way, she can do better.

Jealousy is a sickness, it first robs the person, just remember this. She needs you more than you need her, in my opinion.

And there is a saying from Umar (r) **in my own words*: which says if there is anything positive that can be taken from the others words, then stick on to it. It sure does good. Yes count your blessing.

Be active here. We need you. you are inspiring, by example.

May Almighty bless you, your family and us too.

Jazakallaahu khairan

 

[IHearIslam]

Assalaam walaikum,

I suggest that you speak to your brother in law about getting a second wife.

:salam2:

not to sound harsh or anything...but how does this bring any solution to the problem?

The problem at hand is not between wife and husband...it is between two sisters! end of discussion!

I dont wanna seem like I am generalizing stuff, but it seems as though....every time you post on a thread ...your practical solution is always marriage? why?
I am so sorry if I offended you in any way, shape or form....but I seriously do not see how suggesting taking in a second wife to her sisters husband would make things better between them???

 

[Aapa]

Assalaam walaikum,

You have not offended me whatsoever. I find that when push comes to shove people are so repelled to look at solutions from the our history.

Yes, the problem is between two sisters. But, having a sister in faith can be a more loving relationship than having a biological sister. Why not foster what Islam teaches us.

It would teach the sister humility. The older sister is not a role model. If she behaves like this with her sister I am sure that it seeps over into other relationships.

It has to cause stress with the entire family.

Not end of discussion but lets really talk about Islam. Are we not to tell the truth. Are we not to live by that which is going to help us gain access to Paradise? The sister works in a job that is obviously haraam. I just felt sorry for the whole family.

I use marriage because marriage is the backbone of community. It is strongly encouraged in the faith. It is a solution to many ills of society.

Do you really want to go down the road of the kufr? The problem between the sisters is the surface of a more deeply rooted problem. It is a family issue. It is ugly. It is hurting a believing sister.

If the brother in law got a loving and devoted second wife she could be the sister in faith and heal many broken relationships.

Practice our faith.

There were many many early Muslims who left family as do reverts today and they find more loving and lasting ties with sisters/brothers in faith.

How do you like them words?

 

[etoile_de_mer]

:salam2:

Dear Sister, you are doing your part nicely, dont stop that. Maybe you were made her sister, because if she had another sister as aggressive as her, then the house would have come down!!

You have behaved like an elder and shown care. You are the grown up. Now its time to let courage in you to grow. to stand up and speak is courage, to sit down and listen is also courage. Tell her in good strong clear way, she can do better.

Jealousy is a sickness, it first robs the person, just remember this. She needs you more than you need her, in my opinion.

And there is a saying from Umar (r) **in my own words*: which says if there is anything positive that can be taken from the others words, then stick on to it. It sure does good. Yes count your blessing.

Be active here. We need you. you are inspiring, by example.

May Almighty bless you, your family and us too.

Jazakallaahu khairan

Wa alaykum assalaam wr wb bros n sis..JazakAllahu Khayran for these advices brother strive-may-i,
throughout those years i didn't recieve much encouragement like this...truly your words have enlightened me a lot by ALLAH's Will.

it feels good to get words of encouragement like this.......now i feel revived and i know Allah(SWT) is testing my courage and patience ... and insha Allah i won't let shaytan deviate me by fighting back with her..

she always talk in a bad tone...always replied harshly in a bad mood towards me...
i know i cannot change her..but i have to be strong...indeed i have better sisters in the Islamic Ummah!

talking about my brother in law ..he is worse than my sister...he is not a practicing muslim AT ALL...he even tried to persuade me that i'm living a sad life ..no amusement ..etc by adopting an islamic lifestyle!!!!
May ALLAH(SWT) Guide them!
it is better like this that she is far from me..u r right they need me....rather than me needing them!
in fact Allah Has Bestows lots of blessing upon me...she left the country to go abroad...whereas me i'm here for my parents, this is for me a marvellous gift from Allah(SWT)!!!

 

[Ahsen]

You don't have to cope with this. It's your sister who needs help. You will only suffer if you want to. Why don't you have a straight talk with your sister?

We all have such kind of people in our relatives. It's they who are suffering from inside because of their own twisted heads. One should just ignore their behaviour and go back to their own work.

 

[queenislam]

Allah swt Knows Best!

:salam2:


:ma:

Dear sister
We can't force people to like us remember that.
And
Since both of you already married
make no different what she think of you now.
The better
to stop thinking about her sake
and focus more on your family.

~May Allah swt help,protect and guide all muslims~Amin!

Take care,
~Wassalam

 

[queenislam]

Assalaam walaikum,

I suggest that you speak to your brother in law about getting a second wife.

~~~

:salam2:

:astag:

Very funny sister
very funny!

But that's a very bad suggestion
we r trying to patch relationship
not break it
sister dearest
Especially if it involves hubby and wifey


~May Allah swt help,protect and guide all muslims~Amin!


~Wassalam

 

[Aapa]

Assalaam walaikum,

Sister..it was funny.

However, I find it funny everyone gets so upset to think.

So your sibling is a jerk. Why worry. Your sibling is a jerk. If they come to visit, tolerate them for a moment. And go your way.

If I don't want to be with you...I am not obliged to stay with you. So what the sister is coming to visit. I would stand up and tell her I do not wish to be in her company. And I would get up and leave. I do not invite anyone who disrespects me to my home. Are you crazy? I spend time with those that I love.


Why do you guys put up with being treated like this? Who are you really pleasing? My time is precious. I do not care if you come from the moon to visit.

 

[kashif_nazeer]

Wa 'alaikumassalam warahmatullah,
Sister your situation is really difficult indeed.
I cannot relate to you since Allah alone knows what you are going through.All I can offer is few words and say a prayer for you.
In our lives we all have situations and people around us,by which we are tested.These situations either make us or break us.These are tests from Allah,if we are patient during them,they act as a means of purificiation of our sins and raise us in ranks,in sha' Allah.So in fact these circumstances can be a blessing for us ,if we are patient!
You are doing good by not breaking ties,since keeping ties with kins are a command of Allah.
So my advice to you sister,is be patient in sha' Allah.
Remember Yusuf ('alyhissalam)?
I advice you to read his story,his siblings plotted to kill him then abandoned him in a well and he was arried by a carvan and sold as a slave in Egypt.
Throughout this Yusuf ('alyhissalam) faced many trials but came out of them with trust in Allah,strong faith and patience.
I know we are not him('alyhissalam),but certainly in their stories are lessons for us and examples.

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DYdSE9RlTXc[/ame]

So sister,seek help in prayer and patience.
Fasbiru sabran jameela
Bear patience with gracious patience
May Allah make it easy for you.Ameen.

 

[unbreak]

Remember, everybody born with jealousy, hate, love, anger, and what ever related to human wheather is male or female. We only show these immoration to certain people at cetain time. for some we show love for some we show anger, jealousy and etc. We us human we change every second. now present good can turn bad, or bad can turn good, this happen because certain thinks happen in life at certain time. it changes us. SO DON't JUDGE anyone, . whey they talk or look or etc.. gradually they will change in a good way, your sister will love you more. only ALLAH know best when. Or she already loves you, but don't want to show the immortion

because for fact we can't really tell wheather they jealousy, mad, anger,caring or etc.

JUST don't care too much, or think. just make dua. that it.

Sine she live in UK, proberly she is stress out. this is just my opionion.

Really what happen between you and your sister, only ALLAH could judge.

My suggestion is: wake up early in the morning around 2:00 to 4:00 am before fajr salath pray 2 rakat salah for Allah ask dua and forgiveness. regarding your sister or any family member or any other.

If your sister has e-mail or facebook. JUST send this book. http://www.turntoislam.com/forum/showthread.php?t=85549 and also read for your self as well.


ONE LAST QUESTION. DO your sister pray namaz?

 

[IHearIslam]

:salam2:

You have not offended me whatsoever. I find that when push comes to shove people are so repelled to look at solutions from the our history.

Alhamdulillah you're not offended.... that wasn't my intention and I am glad we could have a healthy discussion. I am not repelled to look at solutions in our history. In fact I'd be the first to try to find solutions within Islam because it has the best solutions. It is through sabr that this sister can cope with her sister. And indeed Allaah is with the patient.

Yes, the problem is between two sisters. But, having a sister in faith can be a more loving relationship than having a biological sister. Why not foster what Islam teaches us.

Having a sister in faith can be helpful to this sister...not to the other one. In my opinion if the sister suggests for her brother in-law to take a second wife, her sister will hate her more. It will complicate an "already complicated relationship." Our sister here can find a sister in faith who she can love like her blood sister---but the sister doesn't have to be married to her SISTER'S HUSBAND. You see my logic here sister? You didn't suggest finding a Muslimah best friend, or tolerating her sister as much as she can, been patient---instead you suggested that she asks her brother in law to MARRY ANOTHER WOMAN? Did you for a second think how that would be hurtful to her SISTER? How her sister would take the suggestion? No, you disregarded that!

It would teach the sister humility. The older sister is not a role model. If she behaves like this with her sister I am sure that it seeps over into other relationships.

That is obvious here--it is our sister's job to do what she does best....and to continue being patient with her sister. Does the problem seep over into other relationships? maybe, maybe not. We don't know for sure and as Muslims we can't judge people on our assumptions.

Not end of discussion but lets really talk about Islam. Are we not to tell the truth. Are we not to live by that which is going to help us gain access to Paradise? The sister works in a job that is obviously haraam. I just felt sorry for the whole family.

Of course at all times! The sister working at a haraam job is not a concern to us---what she does is between Allah and her. We're in no position to judge her at all. Insha'Allah the family will heal and this problem will come to an end. Lets make dua

I use marriage because marriage is the backbone of community. It is strongly encouraged in the faith. It is a solution to many ills of society.

And I agree 100%!! but it might not be the best solution for this particular problem. If a second wife comes into the picture with a suggestion from THIS sister----I am afraid it will do more harm than good.

Do you really want to go down the road of the kufr? The problem between the sisters is the surface of a more deeply rooted problem. It is a family issue. It is ugly. It is hurting a believing sister.

Where is the road of the Kufr? I don't get that. There is no denial that the problem is deeply rooted in the family. We don't have the whole story and we never even got to hear from the other side---at this point we only have one picture of the problem. All we can do is make dua and ask her to be more patient!

If the brother in law got a loving and devoted second wife she could be the sister in faith and heal many broken relationships.

I like how you think positively... Masha'Allah tabaraka'Allah. We hope it would do that...but with the current situation, it would be a miracle if a second wife could bring joy to the family but I have my own doubts.

There were many many early Muslims who left family as do reverts today and they find more loving and lasting ties with sisters/brothers in faith.

Yes, and that seems a better solution than to complicate things by asking HER BROTHER IN LAW TO TAKE IN ANOTHER WIFE doesn't? We are sort of coming to same conclusion right now, alhamdulillah. I am not suggesting that the sister cuts all ties with her sister---all I am saying is to stick to what she is currently doing because she is following that which Islam teaches us. It is up to her sister how she takes it.

 

[IHearIslam]

Assalaamu Alaykum wr wb !

i just wanted ur opinion bros and sis to my problem
i have an elder sister who is very jealous of me since childhood. she makes everything she can to hurt me and prevent me to succeed.i had a miserable childhood i even had health problems due to her ways of behaving with me,,i love her...but she just want to misbehave with me all the time...i can recall 2-3 times that she was nice to me ,that's all!,,the rest her attitude is always negative towards me only..my mom n dad have not been able to solve this till now..they abandoned the idea ..and more often they blame me..
i have suffered for a long time...even uncles and aunts could not solve this. Now we are both married ..and have kids...SHE STILL BEHAVE THE SAME...i cannot talk to her..she back answeres me fiercely...harshly ..rudely...
for ALLAH's sake i won't break this relationship ..cos i want ALLAH(SWT) to give me JANNAH ..Insha ALLAH!

this is toooooooo tough for me...she lives in UK>.....and me in our home country..and i feel too many years have passed and she doesn't want to change..
plz tell me sisters and brothers how to cope with this..and how to react with her? i'm human ..how to remain silent when someone sooo close to u always use bad words?

:salam2:

First I apologize for sort of hijacking your thread. I just needed some clarifications--I hope you are not annoyed:shymuslima1:

Sister, I just wanted to say that you're doing the best you can in this relationship masha'Allah, tabaraka'Allah. You shouldn't worry too much!

for ALLAH's sake i won't break this relationship ..cos i want ALLAH(SWT) to give me JANNAH .

You said it well, and I ask Allah to reward you for your patience.

this is toooooooo tough for me...she lives in UK>.....and me in our home country..and i feel too many years have passed and she doesn't want to change..

I suggest that you break the silence--call her up and say Salaam. If she mistreats you, just tell her you were saying salaam and hang up. DONE....you've done your part. What she does is her problem and you shouldn't be bothered. Do not give up on dua. Remember it our weapon as believers....use it when you need it! Ask Allah to soften her heart, and try your best to "kill her with kindness!" You know what that means right? You treat her REALLY good when she treats you like garbage...trust me, she will crawl down to you asking for forgiveness!
I feel like you been to harsh on yourself....like you do all the communication, put up with your sister and still feel like the current issue IS YOUR FAULT! Take a step back and know that IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT and NEVER was! This is coming from her.....you just need to be a little more patient

Allah ma'ak! ? I hope that is the right Arabic? Well, I just meant to say May Allah be with you!
Take care, and do not be too harsh on your beautiful self Okay ukhti? Okay, salaam

 

[Aapa]

Assalaam walaikum,

I was merely presenting a different solution to the problem. It is viable.

Siblings too have different imans of faith. But, we do not have to tolerate being belittled for who we are.
There comes a point where I will not be made to feel poorly about myself. I know who I am. I am a Believer. Should that make you upset with me I suggest you go and reexamine you relationship with Allah.

No one is going to make me feel guilty about my faith and my practice of my faith. Allah loves me because I am a Believer. And no-one is coming into my backyard and talk trash about me.

Sister,
You do not have to please anyone as long as you know deep in your heart you Love and Fear Allah. Even siblings. Trust me, been there and done that. It is there loss, not mine. I will always love my siblings..but I do not have to tolerate anything less than what Allah has defined for me.

 

[IHearIslam]

Assalaamu alaykum,

I am assuming the first part of the above post was meant for me?? Sometimes I do not get what you're saying sister.

I am a Believer. Should that make you upset with me I suggest you go and reexamine you relationship with Allah.

I was not upset with you, nor am I upset with you right now. I am merely trying to understand your perspective and to make myself clear so you understand MY PERSPECTIVE

No one is going to make me feel guilty about my faith and my practice of my faith. Allah loves me because I am a Believer. And no-one is coming into my backyard and talk trash about me.

It seems like I have upset you? I am sorry, please do forgive me and be patient with me. I never talked trash about you? in fact, my previous post was a response to what you've said earlier. It was not about YOU, but more about the solution you posted. We have different opinions on many things.....I don't think it is fair to say that I "talk trash" about you. I ask for Allah's forgiveness,
I will end the discussion here, because if my opinion of what YOU said is a 'trash talk" then I should not be putting it in your "backyard."

Salaam,

 

[Aapa]

Assalaam walaikum,

No..not at all..

No, I apologize for my poor communication skills.

I was making a statement to anyone who feels that sense of betrayal by a close relative and especially a sibling.
Yes, as Muslims we must do all we can to keep the ties of kinship. But, when those ties are interfering with our relationship with Allah we realize we have to minimize the impact of the relationship, at least.

We can not let them assess who we are. When you get to be as old as me..you understand what is really important. Yes, it hurts when those who are supposed to love us unconditionally act like total jerks. I learned to walk away. I walked towards those who Love Allah.

So I am suggesting as are others..seek refuge with Allah. Seek Him. That which comes from Him gives us Peace. Treat others kindly, but remember and this is a biggie..Allah has given us His Permission to take Mercy upon ourselves. I take Mercy upon myself and forgive those who I love but who can not tolerate my Love for Allah. Nor am I going to let anyone rain on my parade because it only comes around once.