Old parents - who takes care of them?

hayat84

I'm not what you believe
I'm not really sure that the daughter is the best care-taker of her parents,because many daughters get married and the use to stay at the husband's house,taking care of his house and his parents.I make my example:I left my parents home to go living with my husband's family.well,this summer,I spent much time with my mother in-law,having with her a good time and taking care of his husband when he needed something,while their daughters are married and have children,but they have to take care of their new families.it's strange and difficutlt to be in 2 places contemporarely.at the moment my brother is out for work and the other one can be self-sufficient.by consequence nobody will take care of them,unless they are on emergency and my healthy brother does something.I couldn't leave my children and my husband to take care of them,because nobody else could take care of my children!.how complicared I am!maybe nobody understood my words:hearts:
 

Aapa

Mirajmom
Assalaam alaikum,

Sister,

Your words are very easy to understand. In most families it is the brother who takes care of the parents. But, we live in a world that is complicated. And you are correct when a sibling is married the responsibility falls on the unmarried child. The human feelings are quite simple. You do not have a spouse so you must be free to be the care-taker.

The care-taker often gets the ok you can have the weekend off and I'll pitch in. Some siblings help with financial issues, but the work falls on the care-taker.
So why is that so hard. Taking care of an elderly parent is one of the most stressful situations a person finds themselves in. I know people who have to lock the refrigerator, some lock doors, you have to redo the bathroom and, you have to be on alert 24/7.

The words of the Quran are always true. You have to spread your wing of Mercy to your fragile parents. You have to have more sabr than you did with your toddlers. And you have to bite your tongue. On a good day your parent will recognize who you are..on another day they will become angry with you as they forget who you are. You will spend time cooking and they will reject the food, they take on a personality that is new to you, but, you have to love them. You can not leave them alone in the grocery store.

Tomorrow holds little promise to them. Today is just another day. Hours and minutes have no meaning. They recall yesterday with all its vividness. Yesterday was fifty years ago.

So, once again I sincerely believe that we need to start more programs at our masjids for our elderly who made it possible for us to have such easy lives.
It is not an individual responsibility but as in all things Islamic a community responsibility.
 

Precious Star

Junior Member
Assalaam alaikum,

Sister,

Your words are very easy to understand. In most families it is the brother who takes care of the parents. But, we live in a world that is complicated. And you are correct when a sibling is married the responsibility falls on the unmarried child. The human feelings are quite simple. You do not have a spouse so you must be free to be the care-taker.

The care-taker often gets the ok you can have the weekend off and I'll pitch in. Some siblings help with financial issues, but the work falls on the care-taker.
So why is that so hard. Taking care of an elderly parent is one of the most stressful situations a person finds themselves in. I know people who have to lock the refrigerator, some lock doors, you have to redo the bathroom and, you have to be on alert 24/7.

The words of the Quran are always true. You have to spread your wing of Mercy to your fragile parents. You have to have more sabr than you did with your toddlers. And you have to bite your tongue. On a good day your parent will recognize who you are..on another day they will become angry with you as they forget who you are. You will spend time cooking and they will reject the food, they take on a personality that is new to you, but, you have to love them. You can not leave them alone in the grocery store.

Tomorrow holds little promise to them. Today is just another day. Hours and minutes have no meaning. They recall yesterday with all its vividness. Yesterday was fifty years ago.

So, once again I sincerely believe that we need to start more programs at our masjids for our elderly who made it possible for us to have such easy lives.
It is not an individual responsibility but as in all things Islamic a community responsibility.

I find that the married children do not give us the weekend off, because that is when they spend time with their own families. To the contrary, the weekends are the hardest for me.

That being said, even if the masjids have programs for our older parents etc, the question is (1) will the parents be receptive and (2) how does that solve the problem of there being no other people to help the unmarried older daughter get married and have children of her own? As long as the parents are old and needy, the latter will never happen. The other children need to step up, or, non-traditional methods of finding a spouse (and i don't mean matchmaking websites) need to be encouraged and endorsed. Otherwise, to be really frank (and this is already happening), there is going to be a HUGE generation of old muslim women who have no one to take care of them. They are going to be alone, childless of course, and poor. The reality is that muslim parents made a choice to live in a non-muslim country; their daughters did not, yet the families turn a blind eye to the fact without children of our own, we will be left in a far, far worse position than our parents. And THAT is not Islam.

Also, this concept that in muslim cultures the sons take care of their parents etc.....Let's not kid ourselves, the muslim cultures are not utopia's. Not every muslim parents have sons. Not every muslim parents have children! Not every muslim parents have children who are healthy and able-bodied enough to take care of them. Not all muslims get married. So, let's not idealize the past. In a perfect world, a muslim will get married, and be blessed with male and female progeny, and the male progeny will be healthy and able to take care of his parents, and then the children of the male and female progeny will eventually take care of their parents, etc. But that is a perfect world, And Allah did not create perfection in this life. Furthermore, our own parents immigrated and left their parents behind....who took care of my grandparents? Any guilt-trips there?
 

Aapa

Mirajmom
Assalaam alaikum,

We have a large community of unwed sisters. We also have unwed sisters with children. And yes, this does breed a new poverty level.

I do not have a guilt trip about the grandparents stuff. I saw them a few times in my childhood. I can not address that issue. We did not choose to immigrate. Our circumstances were political.

Back to topic,

Marriage websites are a joke. And the behavior of some of the brothers is appalling.

However, equally disturbing is the lack of concern from the Muslim community on this issue. When the sister is young and in college the parents are frantic to marry her to a known brother. As the sister gets old the parents give up and the community carries on its affairs. The sister is left to her own recourse's. I have seen it with my own eyes. The sisters become invisible.

We have had discussions on speed-dating. I do not have the answers. And I have not totally reconciled to myself that I wish to be alone for the rest of my life. Some days I do and other days I get very tired of having to play the role of man and woman all the time.
 

Mairo

Maryama
Assalamu alaikum all:

Masha Allah, nice thread and discussion. I especially appreciate the contributions by sister A Stranger and Aapa as well. Only things I wish to add is that I do believe, sister Precious Star, that your brothers and their families do have a MUCH bigger obligation than what they have taken on thus far to be responsible not only for caring for your elderly parents, but also caring for you. As Muslims they should wholeheartedly take on this responsibility. When families are all in it together to care for one another, regardless of good or bad circumstances, in this way the family bonds are strengthened. I believe you have been doing your best but some how it is not considered good enough, or it is considered that it should be you alone to fill this type of role. I do not believe that to be true. I hope your other siblings can be convinced to take on more of the responsibility. Especially as men who are financially stable and secure, it is them who should shoulder a significant portion of caring for parents. While it is also good for you to care for your parents in loving kindness, I hope you will also focus yourself more on doing whatever you need to do to take care of yourself dear sister Precious Star, in any way that you see fit. This I believe is the most crucial element for your own survival and happiness, which you certainly deserve. I keep you in my dua that Allah may bless and reward you tremendously. Please believe is not too late for you to find a good Muslim spouse for marriage, 40's is not that old! But I think you will need to continue to be more proactive and take matters into your own hands. Keep up hope and faith and don't give up

Wasalaam

(PS: my apologies but I don't know how the "Rant" showed up at the top? I didn't intend to use that title, LOL. wish it could be removed from this post but don't know how to do that )
 

Precious Star

Junior Member
Assalamu alaikum all:

Masha Allah, nice thread and discussion. I especially appreciate the contributions by sister A Stranger and Aapa as well. Only things I wish to add is that I do believe, sister Precious Star, that your brothers and their families do have a MUCH bigger obligation than what they have taken on thus far to be responsible not only for caring for your elderly parents, but also caring for you. As Muslims they should wholeheartedly take on this responsibility. When families are all in it together to care for one another, regardless of good or bad circumstances, in this way the family bonds are strengthened. I believe you have been doing your best but some how it is not considered good enough, or it is considered that it should be you alone to fill this type of role. I do not believe that to be true. I hope your other siblings can be convinced to take on more of the responsibility. Especially as men who are financially stable and secure, it is them who should shoulder a significant portion of caring for parents. While it is also good for you to care for your parents in loving kindness, I hope you will also focus yourself more on doing whatever you need to do to take care of yourself dear sister Precious Star, in any way that you see fit. This I believe is the most crucial element for your own survival and happiness, which you certainly deserve. I keep you in my dua that Allah may bless and reward you tremendously. Please believe is not too late for you to find a good Muslim spouse for marriage, 40's is not that old! But I think you will need to continue to be more proactive and take matters into your own hands. Keep up hope and faith and don't give up

Wasalaam

(PS: my apologies but I don't know how the "Rant" showed up at the top? I didn't intend to use that title, LOL. wish it could be removed from this post but don't know how to do that )

Thank you for such sweet words Mairo! I think at this stage it is hard to be proactive given my age and lack of opportunities. I took matters into my own hands many years ago when my mother said there was nothing that could be done. I was still young at the time, age 37 or so, so I refused to accept what my mother was saying. Unfortunately, I got hurt, badly, so thats that. Women are too vulnerable, I'm afraid. Once a Muslim woman is in her 40s that's it, the Muslim parents and Muslim community dont care.

The only downside to all this is as life goes on, it gets harsher. I am finding it difficult right now, but someday my mother will be sick too, and my father will be even worse. The funny thing is, I haven't known a different life. It has always been about working and then my parents....yet I still wish I had more than that even though a family of my own was never encouraged.

But taking matters into my own hands? The world is cruel to women who do that. I have tried it, and no one, not even my online friends, are there to catch me when I fall.
 

Aapa

Mirajmom
Assalaam alaikum,

Do not worry about the world. It always finds a way to find fault and ridicule. You will not fall, InshaAllah. And you are not alone.

You are being so proactive by alerting us to the plight of many sister. And you know my bubbly faith, InshaAllah, there is someone reading this who will respond in a very positive manner.

You have every reader making dua for you.
 

Precious Star

Junior Member
Assalaam alaikum,

Do not worry about the world. It always finds a way to find fault and ridicule. You will not fall, InshaAllah. And you are not alone.
.

I've done the experiment...I've already fallen -- hard, I'm still bruised. That is what happens when you fight destiny.
 

islamerica

1 Ummah under God
We have a large community of unwed sisters. We also have unwed sisters with children. And yes, this does breed a new poverty level.



what we lack is some kind of network or venue to let others of know the unwed sisters available and seeking. Believe it or not, there are many unwed brothers out there as well who are looking but unable to find a good sister. This is the problem we have living the west, we all be come isolated. Our communities and islamci centers are nothing more than gathering places for jummahs, eid parties and other functions but then we all go back to our lives unaware of the others in the community and thier needs.



That being said, even if the masjids have programs for our older parents etc, the question is (1) will the parents be receptive and (2) how does that solve the problem of there being no other people to help the unmarried older daughter get married and have children of her own? As long as the parents are old and needy, the latter will never happen. The other children need to step up, or, non-traditional methods of finding a spouse (and i don't mean matchmaking websites) need to be encouraged and endorsed. Otherwise, to be really frank (and this is already happening), there is going to be a HUGE generation of old muslim women who have no one to take care of them. They are going to be alone, childless of course, and poor. The reality is that muslim parents made a choice to live in a non-muslim country; their daughters did not, yet the families turn a blind eye to the fact without children of our own, we will be left in a far, far worse position than our parents. And THAT is not Islam.

Also, this concept that in muslim cultures the sons take care of their parents etc.....Let's not kid ourselves, the muslim cultures are not utopia's. Not every muslim parents have sons. Not every muslim parents have children! Not every muslim parents have children who are healthy and able-bodied enough to take care of them. Not all muslims get married. So, let's not idealize the past. In a perfect world, a muslim will get married, and be blessed with male and female progeny, and the male progeny will be healthy and able to take care of his parents, and then the children of the male and female progeny will eventually take care of their parents, etc. But that is a perfect world, And Allah did not create perfection in this life. Furthermore, our own parents immigrated and left their parents behind....who took care of my grandparents? Any guilt-trips there?

There are over a million unwed women in saudi over the age of 30, called sprinsters. why there when you have a Muslim country? it happens everywhere when we neglected our Islamic duties of giving each other their rights and not marrying our daughters in their primes.


I've done the experiment...I've already fallen -- hard, I'm still bruised. That is what happens when you fight destiny.

I'd be interested to know what kind of experiments, if you don't mind.
 

Precious Star

Junior Member
There are over a million unwed women in saudi over the age of 30, called sprinsters. why there when you have a Muslim country? it happens everywhere when we neglected our Islamic duties of giving each other their rights and not marrying our daughters in their primes.

I'd be interested to know what kind of experiments, if you don't mind.

Women over 30 ate still in their "prime" as you put it. That concept is purely western....Allah has decreed marriage for all women, not just pretty young things with flat stomachs.

Regarding the experiment, I was referring to sisters Mairo' s comment about being proactive myself. I'be tried to do that already, and I've tried to get my family more involved, and, I've done the Internet thing. They all made me feel worse; there were so many men on the Internet who made rude comments about me or my looks, and so many of th men lied about their details, I got sick of it all.
 

Aapa

Mirajmom
Assalaam alaikum,

The network thing is so foreign to most in the Muslim communities. They have the little niches and it stops there. I actually was having a conversation with a sister and told her I had a beautiful and brilliant sister who is looking to get married. She told me she would help. I told her I was looking, too. I just want a pious, mega rich, and very handsome brother. She asked me if I was serious. She almost fell backwards when I told her I was serious. Why not. Why can I not have companionship; cook a great meal; starch a shirt etc...here is a good one..take two minutes to take care of myself...What I am attempting to write is that for some unknown reason the sisters stop helping to search for mates when they feel you have hit 29. No-one hits 30!!!!

Why? Married sisters do not want to invite single women into their lives. It is true in any culture.

And the unwed sisters are isolated.

It seems that the role of match maker is still the role of women?
 

Tabassum07

Smile for Allah
:salam2:

I'm subscribed to the ummahfilms youtube channel, so I received this in an email alert:

Half Our Deen Offline
by ummahfilms

Visit http://hodoffline.com to try Half Our Deen Offline. The reality is that Muslim Single events that use the speed dating process just don't work. Half Our Deen takes a revolutionary approach at helping Muslim get married. Instead of playing a game of musical chairs like other events, HOD Offline uses a series of activities to allow it's participants to learn about each other in a deeper way. The results speak for themselves. Our last event had 20 matches! To learn more about the process that actually works, visit http://hodoffline.com
 

Aapa

Mirajmom
Assalaam alaikum,

So I read a little more ...the last event had 18 matches and of the 18 one ended in marriage. Success rate of 5%. You have to register with a non-refundable fee of $75.00.
 

Precious Star

Junior Member
Assalaam alaikum,

So I read a little more ...the last event had 18 matches and of the 18 one ended in marriage. Success rate of 5%. You have to register with a non-refundable fee of $75.00.

I have dealt with Half Our Deen. Trust me, it is a major rip-off. It has a swanky marketing campaign that sucks you in, but that's about it. I suppose its ok for the early 20-something set, but in general it is useless for anyone over 25. Once I registered, there was not a single muslim male who could be matched with me, and so I asked for my money back. But of course, they refused to even acknowledge my request.
 

Aapa

Mirajmom
Assalaam alaikum,

And once again here we are discussing one of the institutions of the faith. And you are being so responsible in addressing issues that must be discussed. What are some solutions?

And for the sake of protecting our sisters I am bold to ask where are the brothers on this one? Sister, what will our brothers respond when asked why did you not help this sister who is protecting her deen.

Now if I wrote ok sis lets get an ad out and have prospective men submit their credentials to us can you imagine the responses I would get from the members of this forum. ( I want Arab rich, American good looking, and the brains of an Asian; just keeping it light)
 

Mairo

Maryama
Assalaam alaikum,

The network thing is so foreign to most in the Muslim communities. They have the little niches and it stops there. I actually was having a conversation with a sister and told her I had a beautiful and brilliant sister who is looking to get married. She told me she would help. I told her I was looking, too. I just want a pious, mega rich, and very handsome brother. She asked me if I was serious. She almost fell backwards when I told her I was serious. Why not. Why can I not have companionship; cook a great meal; starch a shirt etc...here is a good one..take two minutes to take care of myself...What I am attempting to write is that for some unknown reason the sisters stop helping to search for mates when they feel you have hit 29. No-one hits 30!!!!

Why? Married sisters do not want to invite single women into their lives. It is true in any culture.

And the unwed sisters are isolated.

It seems that the role of match maker is still the role of women?

:salam2: dear Aapa. Oh have I missed you :) Really appreciate your constant advice and words of wisdom. Keep it coming, sister! The younger (and older) generation truly has so much to learn and benefit from you.

Hope you and your family are all doing well, as always.

Love, Mairo
 

Mairo

Maryama
Assalaam alaikum,

And once again here we are discussing one of the institutions of the faith. And you are being so responsible in addressing issues that must be discussed. What are some solutions?

And for the sake of protecting our sisters I am bold to ask where are the brothers on this one? Sister, what will our brothers respond when asked why did you not help this sister who is protecting her deen.

Now if I wrote ok sis lets get an ad out and have prospective men submit their credentials to us can you imagine the responses I would get from the members of this forum. ( I want Arab rich, American good looking, and the brains of an Asian; just keeping it light)

Exactly, Aapa. I also feel it is really important to throw back a lot of responsibilitiy for these kinds of issues on the brothers in the Ummah. They have a much bigger responsibility for helping to build community and be leaders of families in kindness and consideration, etc that they have been shouldering of late, imo. . .

Sister Precious Star deserves to be taken care of by the male members of her family and deserves to have a husband! Just as much as anyone!

Sister Precious Star: keep up faith in Allah. Just because the men in your family may have failed you does not mean Allah will let you down. He is there. I am just trying to encourage you to branch out in other directions other than your immediate or known community. Keep trying to meet new people. Keep up hope. . .


That being said, as I mentioned in my earlier post, I believe it is really sad when people do not see their family members as their true priorities in life and that it should be a feeling of a joy and a priviledge to be there for each other during any and all circumstances. This is what Islam and the example of the prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, and the early generation of Muslims taught us over and over again. This kind of feeling and caring is very important for the Muslim Ummah to reclaim in this day and age.
 

strive-may-i

Junior Member
Assalaamu Alaikum Sister,

I was gathering. I knew few brothers and men. Wanted to collect more. Got a dozen biographies now.

There are brothers/men and sisters out there in different parts of world in their 40's 50's single. They were busy taking care of their aged parents, meet the demands of siblings and extended families. And their families somehow forgot to or decided to not undergo the pain of finding a suitable spouse for the bread-winner.

There was one man, I met in a journey, we spoke for hours. Age 55 then. Started as technician, turned businessman, with masters in political science. A knowledgeable person. we spoke for hours, then he had advice on marriage and opened up to tell his single status. Being able, he took the responsibility of educating his younger siblings, getting them married, making sure they all get a good livelihood and taking care of the aged parents, so that they are not a burden to his brothers and sisters. While he was busy at it, His siblings forgot to get him married at right age. When finally he realized in his late 40's, the siblings did not like the idea. There was some problem in business partnership, he decided to give up his share, and moved to another business.

There was an old man in neighborhood. While helping him on the street, he revealed his case. His mother was sick and he could not think of a better thing to do than take care of his mother, after quitting the armed forces. After mother died, when he became older, He stayed with niece, plays with niece kids, and survives on government pension.

Story of a sister: The family could not find a suitable guy, though they tried. At a later stage, she was married to a widowed man with 4 small children. The sister had decided not to have her own children. Theirs is a happy family, Masha Allah.

Don't loose hope.
 
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