I am confused about Marriage, Finding Partner, Parents content...

Hopetogoparadis

Junior Member
Assalam alakum

Well, i am not sure how to start.

I understood that making parents content is really important. I saw many hadith point out importance of parents content. I even saw a hadith regarding this matter, when a man's parent wanted him to divorce his wife and Prophet sallahu alayhi wasalam said, parents are the doors to Paradise, if you want let it be open (maybe you heard this hadith, i dont know what are exact words)

I also see fatwas for different situations but i am honestly confused and i dont wanna do something that i will regret in my future life, so i really want your sincere, wise advices which can lead me to good inshallah.

First of all, dont get these like i am complaining about my parents, i dont want to complain about them because they did so much for me, i know... But for this specific issue, we just dont match with them

According to what they say;

1- First i should finish my university education (maybe 3 years later inshallah) to think about marriage

They want a girl who is

2 -Modern (not with burqa at all, she should dress like modern day women, but she can wear hijab too)

3- Who got good high (university) education, maybe doctor etc.

4-Who is from our country so that she and her family can get along with my parents and cultures will be similar to each other(wont mention about which country its)

But, for me;

I honestly dont wanna wait till i graduate because its fitnah, you know. I wanna get married as soon as possible inshallah, with help of Allah. But whoever the girl might be,as long as she is not super rich and fullfill all my parents wish, they will not let me get married for now. And also for other criterias, if i really try to fullfill all of my parents wishes, then either i have to wait untill i find that ''super'' Muslimah which makes my parent very happy and also who i like as well.


Soo... Can you tell me what should i do ?

If my parents dont change their mind (Allah knows what can really happen, but i just assume) i can not get married for next 3 years probably. Then i will either wait for super girl to come, who fullfill my parents wish. And if she doesnt come, i have to wait more but honestly, it can be more fitnah for me if i wait longer. So just to fullfill my parents wish i might need to delay marriage, but what about me ? my life ?

P.S There is already someone who i met, alhamdolillah i liked her personality and her family. But as i wrote above, maybe she cant fullfill all of my parents wishes.

Sometimes i think that maybe i am too much into dunnya because i think about these things a lot. But i dont know what to do
 

Aapa

Mirajmom
Assalaam alaikum,

Where is it written that you have to have a degree to be eligible for marriage.
 

Hard Rock Moslem

I'm your brother
Brother,

Just make du'a for your parents, let's hope Allah will guide your parents. Never give up with Allah, pray to Him and seek His mercy. And obey your parents as long as they do not ask you to do something against Islamic teachings. Perhaps your parents want you to focus on education, this is for your own future. If you can't wait, they tell your parents in the best possible manner. Make du'a, inshallah, Allah will make things easy for you. About your future wife, if her modern dresses fulfils hijab requirement, I don't see any problem with that as long as it does not resemble other faiths. But if you wish that she wear only burqa or abaya, after marriage you can always dictate what you want from your wife. In fact, it is your responsibility to ensure she wear a proper hijab. Your parents can't dictate what your wife should wear, especially if the modern dresses is not fulfilling hijab requirement. If fulfils hijab requirement, just obey your parents until you got married with her.
 

a_stranger

Junior Member
Assalamu alaikim

Try to come closer to your mother, tell her about your worries.......try in a kind gentle way to touch her heart ....nothing is like mother's heart , may Allah make your life happy and easy.
 

Hopetogoparadis

Junior Member
Assalaam alaikum,

Where is it written that you have to have a degree to be eligible for marriage.

Walakum salam, nowadays its what most parents think

''First finish your education and get good job, then you can get married''

Or some parents even want girl to have some degree or job, because they think its better.


The thing is; Some people encourage me to do something for it and try to make a step, dont worry about financial, Allah will help you... but then, what you can do when your parents are striclty agains it and they are like ''if you get married now while we are not allowing you, then forget us when you leave house'' ? I mean, i dont know how could i get along with my parents if i leave house and then... especially my father will be so angry with me because i didnt listen to him and i disobeyed him.
 

Hopetogoparadis

Junior Member
Assalamu alaikim

Try to come closer to your mother, tell her about your worries.......try in a kind gentle way to touch her heart ....nothing is like mother's heart , may Allah make your life happy and easy.

Walakum salam, honestly i dont know if i really approached them in soooo nice way but i tried to tell them so many times but problem is, they do not understand whats fitnah of women nowadays, so its hard for them to understand me and say ''ooh we dont want our child to fall into sins, lets allow him to get married ''


P.S I hope i dont sound like complaining but its just a dilemma and some people say one thing some people say another thing, so i wanted to have more advices from more people
 

a_stranger

Junior Member
Change your attitude with your parents, calm down , try in some other way , they love you .....let one of your relatives talk with them ........if you can make the contract of marriage but pospone the marriage till you graduate ......think of that....As long as you fear Allah I am sure Allah will make things easy.
 

strive-may-i

Junior Member
You don't marry against your wish. To be fair and just to yourself and girl, don't marry if person is incompatible to your checklist. Delayed marriage is different from a rushed marriage. From your posts so far, there is merit for you to focus on your education (academic and all around development) and focusing on becoming a "better, wise and mature" person. You must be really careful and not waste a crucial part of your education phase this way...

If the posts here from you, is your real thoughts and if you were my classmate, I would have pulled you aside and informed you - 'Marriage, in my opinion, is too early for someone in your situation. The age at which Ali(r) got married, please find out. The average age of marriage is definitely not 20. Sometimes when inclined to a particular thought, a person welcome suggestions which suite like's and ignore the rest. When parents preference is different, addressing that and arriving at consensus is first step. Since parents are important part of your life, if you are still in touch with the girl, then you are dragging others into a mess. Since your parents are not asking you to do any Haraam, by delaying your marriage, its better to listen to your parents , put effort on self-improvement. When you have matured enough and ready, your parents will be able to get the message... Put trust in Allah, Insha Allah it will work for you'

Let me ask you again.
Are you confused?
Are you obsessed?
Are you being a mischief?

Which of this is true?
 

uniqueskates

Rabbe Zidni Illma
Assalam alakum

1- First i should finish my university education (maybe 3 years later inshallah) to think about marriage

They want a girl who is

2 -Modern (not with burqa at all, she should dress like modern day women, but she can wear hijab too)

3- Who got good high (university) education, maybe doctor etc.

4-Who is from our country so that she and her family can get along with my parents and cultures will be similar to each other(wont mention about which country its)

But, for me;

I honestly dont wanna wait till i graduate because its fitnah, you know. I wanna get married as soon as possible inshallah, with help of Allah. But whoever the girl might be,as long as she is not super rich and fullfill all my parents wish, they will not let me get married for now. And also for other criterias, if i really try to fullfill all of my parents wishes, then either i have to wait untill i find that ''super'' Muslimah which makes my parent very happy and also who i like as well.

Soo... Can you tell me what should i do ?

Sometimes i think that maybe i am too much into dunnya because i think about these things a lot. But i dont know what to do

Walaikumassalaam bro.

1. Nope. 20 is early, I agree with your parents.. Wait till you complete your education atleast.
2. Follow the Islamic teachings for the dressing. I guess she is your wife and you got all rights on her and also should teach the right thing.
3. Doctor?? High education? I thought deen was more important.
4. Country - Thats upto you. I have no idea about it.

And you need to learn to have something called SELF-CONTROL. I understand how it feels, and most of us do. Even I feel I have lost myself in dunya. But catch hold of Quran, you will feel serenity, detached from dunya and connected to Allah(SWT). Please do dhikr whenever you are walking alone from one point to another - It helps me to keep my head down and not look at girls, constantly reminds me Allah(SWT) is watching me.

Most of all. Be patient, hope and be patient. And please be good to your parents brother.
InshaAllah you will get a pious wife.
Peace.
 

Precious Star

Junior Member
Walakum salam, nowadays its what most parents think

''First finish your education and get good job, then you can get married''

Or some parents even want girl to have some degree or job, because they think its better.


The thing is; Some people encourage me to do something for it and try to make a step, dont worry about financial, Allah will help you... but then, what you can do when your parents are striclty agains it and they are like ''if you get married now while we are not allowing you, then forget us when you leave house'' ? I mean, i dont know how could i get along with my parents if i leave house and then... especially my father will be so angry with me because i didnt listen to him and i disobeyed him.

Please know that I am NOT trying to be condescending or overly critical. But you do sound a little bit immature (perfectly normal for a 20-year old!!), which raises some doubts as to whether you will be mature enough to be a husband, provider, protector and father at this stage of your life. Perhaps, your parents know what is best for you. If you feel that you are unable to control your desire, then fast. There are many, many ways to keep your mind occupied so that this issue does not consume you.

Secondly, some parents want a girl to have a degree or a job because it represents security. It is a harsh world out there. We are in the midst of a global economic crisis. A girl without an education or ability to work could have dire consequences. A girl must have the skills to be able to support herself -- whether she is fortunate enough to be financially taken care of later in life is a completely different matter. But if a girl does not have an education, she won't be able to support herself, which means she will live in dire poverty while her married sisters are being financially supported. What if she gets divorced? What if she never marries? What if her husband has a disability and she has to suport the family? Is she going to put on a striped shirt and hat and work at McDonald's, or find a respectable office job that pays decent money, benefits, and gives her respect by the world around her?
 

Aapa

Mirajmom
Assalaam alaikum,

Son,

You thought you were confused before.

I am in the minority. One of the problems we are having is that people delay marriage. Somewhere on TTI is a good thread about young marriage. We tend to make things mutually exclusive. We must have learned this from the kufr. Who said you can not be married early and not go to school.

You will have to work i.e. job. You will have to live in a humble manner. Going back to the thread about young marriage ( it included a video)...many young couples live with the parents or see each other on the weekends. They are creative about the marriage. The video was from England.

Education and work are independent of each other. Talk to an imam. Talk to the father of young sister if you are serious.

Let me guess your parents are from the subcontinent aren't they?
 
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