Marriage Advice Needed

[ATA95]

Assalamua`alaykum wa rahmatullaahi wa barakaatuh,

True that a young man financially unstable and looking forward to get married need to think wisely, thoroughly and deeply. However, it is not by withholding him to make his next move in the process to get married due to the lacking in many aspects. It is the nature (fitrah) for a human to eat daily despite how busy, how poor, how sick that person is. Likewise it is the fitrah of every human being to get married. Of course getting married isn't as simple as eating but the main point is to not go against one's fitrah either by prolonging or withholding it.

Yes, zina is a choice but know that all of us who have been saved from such haraam is only due to the help of Allaah. Not because we have greater imaan nor we are stronger in controlling ourselves. Can be so sure that tomorrow we won't do haraam things that displeases our Lord? Indeed we can't but we as Muslims will always STRIVE every single second in our life to act on that which pleases Allaah.

This hadeeth, the hadeeth of Ibn Mas’ood رضي الله تعالى عنه where the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم said: “By the One, other than Whom there is no god, verily one of you performs the actions of the people of Paradise until there is but an arms length between him and it, and that which has been written overtakes him, and so he acts with the actions of the people of the Hellfire and thus enters it.”
Reported in Saheeh al-Bukhaaree, The Book of Tawheed (Belief), (كتاب التوحيد), Hadeeth (#7016). Also reported other places in Saheeh al-Bukhaaree and Saheeh Muslim

No matter how pious we are in our whole life, we are unsure on how our ending in this world will be. No matter how good we are today, we are unsure of how we will be tomorrow.

Yes, the economy of today is getting worse and many people are jobless despite their good qualification but the temptations are also greater nowadays. It is as difficult for young men to guard their chastity and many have fallen into the lesser haraam of zina (por*, masturbatio*). We may not know the precise statistics on how many have fallen into such acts but I am sure it is greater than what have been researched. And marriage is the only solution to this. At some point, the scholars even permit to those who are in the category of *waajib* to get married to do so even without the approval of the parents (while taking into consideration on many aspects such as deen wise).

Finishing the education, having a stable job, passing the "matured age" etc is not the pre-requisite to get married. So long that people have this mindset and making it difficult for the youth to get married, the longer social illnesses within our Muslims community will continue. People are scared (or should I say too careful) to get married but are we that scared to prevent haraam from happening?

Brother, every new role/position (as a leader, husband and father someday) comes new and great responsibilities. Likewise for a woman. And with that deep feeling of responsibility will determine on how you will plan and lead your life accordingly. I do not know the level of your maturity but I do know the seriousness of your wish. So start making your future plans, make efforts coupled with constant dua` and tawakkal to Allaah while learning more about the deen (for the time being: the processes and steps to get married, the wedding based on sunnah etc). If Allaah make your path easy for you to get married but yet you fail to carry out your obligations and responsibilities to your wife and family, know that every person is accountable for his deeds in The Hereafter.

Thanks sister for your response, you've given a heap of good info that I'll definitely take note of.

 

[ATA95]

walikumsalam.

Sister Aisya- jazakallah for the reply. However, you did you touch on the issue of finance in a realistic manner. The brothers situation is such that he has NO job. How will he maintain his wife/family? unless somehow he finds a box of treasure somewhere. Reagarding the zina issue, our prophet (pbuh) (not exact quote) told us that: if we cannot marry (bad financial reasons can be included here) we should FAST. Fasting acts as a protection against zina.

Brother I do have a job but it's just a casual one and definitely not enough to support a spouse.

 

[ATA95]

No Aisya,

Allah has given us free will. He does NOT control our behaviour. If we abstain from sex outside of marriage it is out of our own individual efforts and will. Allah does not control our behaviour, decisions or desires.

Many, many human beings do not get married. They do not die. They do not become ill. Lack of marriage is not the same thing as lack of food. You will wither and die without food.

The problem with young people today is an expectation of instantaneous gratification. Allah prescribes a timeline for everything and everyone. So this young man does not get married when he's 20, and instead must wait -- oh my goodness! -- till he is 25 or 28 or 30. In the grand scheme of things, that is a drop in the bucket.

Yes Allah has given us free will but He alone still controls everything that occurs. Eg: You work very hard to get a new job. Though your hard work got you the job, Allah gave you the ability to work hard and therefore ordained that out of your hard work you get the job. Similarly with zina Allah gives you the ability and supports you to avoid committing it. (Might not be the best analogy but I hope you get my point).

 

[Aisya al-Humaira]

walikumsalam.

Sister Aisya- jazakallah for the reply. However, you did you touch on the issue of finance in a realistic manner. The brothers situation is such that he has NO job. How will he maintain his wife/family? unless somehow he finds a box of treasure somewhere. Reagarding the zina issue, our prophet (pbuh) (not exact quote) told us that: if we cannot marry (bad financial reasons can be included here) we should FAST. Fasting acts as a protection against zina.

Assalamua`alaykum,

Brother, no where did I state to not look for a job and get married immediately. I actually bold the part about making an effort plus dua` to Allaah. Not just making dua` and expect Allaah to change our conditions. I understand that men are worried (and they should be) on how to support his family. I deeply believe, brother that a responsible, matured man (it could be a young man too) will work hard to support his family even if it means he has to do two jobs while studying or even if it means he has to do the lowest-pay job such as being a cleaner at a school as long as he is able to at least provide food for his family. Unless if the man does not have an ounce of that feeling of responsibility, then I am against him marrying just out of lust/love and that he will certainly wrong his wife and family by not carrying out his responsibility as a husband.

If we expect the economy to get better and our family problems to be all settled down then only one is able to get married, then I doubt that person will ever get married. Brother, if a married man with 6 kids to support and due to the bad economy today he is jobless, does he needs to divorce his wife and not support his family anymore? [rhetoric question]

Main point: That worry feeling of financially unstable must be acted proactively by working effortlessly to slowly have the financial to get married even if it takes years to be stabilize.

"And marry the unmarried among you and the righteous among your male slaves and female slaves. If they should be poor, Allah will enrich them from His bounty, and Allah is all-Encompassing and Knowing." [Surah An-Noor, 24: 32]

"And do not kill your children for fear of poverty. We provide for them and for you. Indeed, their killing is ever a great sin." [Surah Al-Isra, 17: 31]

The two ayaat above is telling us that marriage does not make one from poor to become poorer but in contrast (and this is what I have always believed) that marriage will open the doors to many blessings. The door of being able to guard one's chastity, the blessing of having a companion to strive together to please Allaah and the door of rizq, inshaa Allaah.

No Aisya,

Allah has given us free will. He does NOT control our behaviour. If we abstain from sex outside of marriage it is out of our own individual efforts and will. Allah does not control our behaviour, decisions or desires.

I am sorry sister but there is some flaws in your understanding of Qada` and Qadar. Allaah DOES control all our behaviours and in fact He is in control of everything from how the Earth and the moon rotates to what is going to happen to us tomorrow.

Will: this is the belief that everything that happens in this universe happens by the will of Allaah. Whatever Allaah wills happens and whatever He does not will does not happen. Nothing exists outside of His will. The evidence for that is in the verses where Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“And never say of anything, ‘I shall do such and such thing tomorrow.’

24. Except (with the saying), ‘If Allaah wills!’”

[al-Kahf 18:23, 24]

That a person’s will and ability do not operate outside the will and decree of Allaah, Who is the One Who has given him that ability and made him able to distinguish (between good and evil) and make his choice, as He says (interpretation of the meaning):

“And you cannot will unless (it be) that Allaah wills the Lord of the ‘Aalameen (mankind, jinn and all that exists)”

[al-Takweer 81:29]

Read more here: http://islamqa.com/en/ref/49004/qadar or the numerous threads on al-Qada wa al-Qadar in TTI archive.

Yes we are given free will and we are able to make choices with our mind and wisdom but even within our choices, it will not happen unless Allaah wills it to happen. What was meant to befall us was never meant to pass by us and what was meant to pass by us what never meant to befall us. All these are the concept of the 6th pillar of our faith; believing in al-qada’ wa’l-qadar.

If you do not believe that our choices are not controlled by Allaah, then do you believe in Solaat al-Istikharaah? The prayer where we ask for Allaah's guidance on the best option to choose, knowing that our mind is very limited and that we do not know of the future.

In essence, Allaah does control our behaviour, decision and desire and we actually should constantly pray that Allaah guide us in our every steps of our decisions so that we do not choose out of our hawa` but out of His Wisdom on what is best for us.

The problem with young people today is an expectation of instantaneous gratification. Allah prescribes a timeline for everything and everyone. So this young man does not get married when he's 20, and instead must wait -- oh my goodness! -- till he is 25 or 28 or 30. In the grand scheme of things, that is a drop in the bucket.

No, I have to disagree that every youth is expecting an instantaneous gratification. And I see a lot of this assumptions throwing out to youth who wish to get married early. Do they expect marriage is all about love and happiness? No, because that is pure illusion. Are they prepared for the hardship and trials within their marriage life? Yes, inshaa Allaah because Shaytan will always try to separate the Muslims couple. Will there be a lot of sacrifice for a blessed marriage? Yes and that is a life-long struggle. This is when faith really plays a big role.

Not every youth is immature and not every adult is wise and matured. I have met many youth who are more responsible than any adults I have known. They do not rush in making decisions and gets wiser with every experience learnt. Even if not every youth is wishing to get marry early (depends on one's readiness to enter that new phase of life), but I know I can trust that they are making the best decision.

To wait until 25/28/30. To wait until financial is stable. To wait until education is finish. I'm sorry but this is just the preferences given by the culture and community and not deen-based. The Messenger did told those who aren't able to get married to fast but he also encourages young man to get married. Not wait until all is stabilize and pass the required age to get married.

Again, I'm directing this to those who falls under the category of waajib to get married, then fasting is not an option anymore if the temptation is still so great despite that he fasts everyday. Marriage is the only solution.

I think my point in this long post should be cleared and I hope to alter the cultural-based mind setting that we have. I wouldn't be so vocal about this issue if I hadn't really felt the severity of it happening rampantly. It is happening a lot nowadays due to us trying to deafen our ears and close our eyes to the illnesses because of the requirement *we* put (not Allaah). As Sister Shahnazz said, Deen over the dunya comes first.

 

[Aisya al-Humaira]

Brother Ata,

I'm attaching a few attachments on the Fiqh of Marriage from Islaamic Online University. These are some of the basics one should know upon entering a marriage. Read, understand and act on it, inshaa Allaah.

Thanks sister for your response, yes I'm definitely sure I'm in love with her. I agree that it's better I tell her directly to prevent involving someone else unnecessarily. Yes I'll try not to think about her too much haha.

I sincerely hope you do not wish to marry this girl ONLY out of love/lust. I don't agree you talk to her directly as this will open to fitnah and temptation (and as a man, woman is your weakness) and this will open doors for the Shaitaan to instill bad thoughts in your heart. Avoid this for the sake of Allaah.

If you expect to have a blessed marriage, do it on how the deen teaches us. If you expect to have a happy ever after loving marriage, that ain't going to happen. And know that marriage is not an end but a means to get closer to Allaah subhanahu wa Ta`ala.

With that kept in mind, even if this whole thing doesn't work out for you, you will not be deeply heart broken because your focus is in pleasing Allaah, not the creations.

I do not wish to judge your maturity nor say whether you are actually ready or not for marriage. For now, increase your knowledge on the deen and build up your character as a preparation to become an adult man ready for marriage life. You need to think ahead seriously from now on.

 

[muhammedandpeace]

Assalam alaykum, i have lost my both parent and to further more seem so difficult for me in educational level. Am about 30 years of age now, well I have a girl which i love to marry but she always threatening me with different attitude which always making me getting worries so much. I think I have shown her how much i love her, may be that is why she is behaving like that, i need good duah to make me feel so much free from this. how should I know if she really loves me back as I love her much.

 

[ShahnazZ]

We seriously need to remember that Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala is the One in control of everything. He is Al-Wakil, the Disposer of our affairs. What is the point of Him being Al-Wakil if we're just going to say that we're the ones in control instead of Him?

It's also important not to generalize and believe everyone has the same level of strength when it comes to self-control. There was a Hadith (I forgot who the collector was) where two men asked the Prophet if kissing their wives was permissible for them while in a state of fasting. For one, he allowed it and for the other, he prohibited it. When asked why, he responded that it was because the former had greater control over his desires than the latter. Thus, we have variability in our levels of self-control and iman as individuals and as Muslims. It isn't a one-size-fits-all mentality. Not everyone can maintain themselves as well as others can.

We are commanded to safeguard our iman at all costs. For those who achieve the goal of financial stability before marriage AND managed to preserve their chastity, alhamdulillah. In this day and age, it's difficult to do so and the mercy of Allah Suubhanahu wa Ta'ala has truly been on the individual.

For those who failed to maintain their chastity due to the fact that they delayed marriage to achieve the financial goals, I fail to see how the money was worth it. Throwing dollar bills at Allah will not erase the sin nor bring the person that peace of mind they lost. I seriously fail to see the logic.

Bottom point: We're all different. Allah has given all of us different trials because He knows whose strong enough to handle what and who is too weak to. We can't expect everyone to be exactly the same in their levels of iman and strength and frankly this should be a moot point when it comes to the fact that the alternative of marriage is perfectly halal and recommended. Again, we're told to do whatever it takes to safeguard our iman even if that goes against the goals we've set for ourselves. Because at the end of the day, it's all about what we're willing to face Allah with. Are we willing to stand in front of Him and declare that achieving our own goals were more important than His Commands?

Again deen comes first. Dunya will eventually die out so why destroy our deen over it? No one is saying neglect dunya for deen. On the contrary, we are told to live in the world but to not be OF the world. We conduct our affairs provided that they do not go against the rules of Our Creator. But everyone knows themselves best and if an individual knows he or she is in danger of fitnah, then they MUST take the measures to prevent it.

Finally, we need to remember that everything is from Our Creator. Our strength, our perseverance, our sabr, it's all a gift from Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala and a sign of His Mercy upon us. The Quran mentions the story of Qarun, the transgressor who denied that his wealth was a blessing from Allah and attributed it to his own wisdom. We all know what happened to him.

I truly hope that Allah continues to not only bless us as we are undeserving but also that He helps us to see and realize His Blessings as well.

 

[ouddene bouziane]

Jazz mom Allah kheir
It is very important subject many people concerned are worried about.
Please, more sincerity towards Allah
Listen carefully to parents, because they have experience and wisdom and don,t take freedom as un absolute criteria to do whatever you like.
Also. Please. A little bit of patience in times everything going on quickly.
It is better to consult an imam near to you.
Choose good friends to spend usefully your time and to take he right decision

 

[Ahsen]

Walekumassalam,

I would never marry a woman for love. Emotions cloud the reality. And reality is many times the opposite of what we were expecting. What do you love her for? Is this your first time being in love? From your posts it seems to be your first time. A marriage can't just run on love. Love is the fuel. Then there is the engine,headlights,steering wheel. You need to be independent to .have someone depend on you.
It's said that if you are poor you get married, Allah will increase you in rizq . Though I have noticed that but I don't know how that worksout. The only person who gives logical sense to topics is brother nouman ali khan. If someone has his video on this topic then pls post it.

 

[hayat84]

bROTHER aHSEN i HAVE TO DISAGREE,BECAUSE THE LOVE IS NOT ONLY THE FUEL,BUT ALSO THE ENGINE AND EVERYTHING YOU MENTIONED .IF YOU DON'T LOVE,YOU CAN'T HAVE A good marriage.It's obvious that we can't live only of love,but by experience,if I wasn't in love,I would have never got married.by consequence,if you're not in love,you have no love to give to your children.you seem to be a "broken heart".forgive me for the irruence,but I refuse to believe that you wouldn't marry a woman for love.maybe you had no occasion,or chance to feel this emotion,but believe me,when you fall in love,you stop thinking if you are hungry or if you are walking on the rain,because love is a so great blessing from Allah,maybe it's the 1% of the feeling that exists in Paradise.don't close the doors to all situations.how could you marry a woman if you don't put the love at the first place?I don't knoe how many times I've repeated the word "love",but it's a so good feeling,that I had to express (politely) m opinion.you can justly disapprove,I've nothing to blame.wa salam

 

[Ahsen]

That's what I meant by love being the fuel. When there is no love the vehicle stops and ultimately it is abandoned. You can have a brand new car but with all it's shine it wouldn't run without fuel.

 

[uniqueskates]

:salam2:

To brother ATA95..

I totally understand what you are going thro'. It's the same with many of us. If I was in our position akhi, I would wait till I was 21 or 22, get a better understanding of how things are, simultaneously building myself both mentally, spiritually, financially, emotionally and other things. Personally I feel 18 is a little early. Yes, I do understand that Islam tells to marry as earlier as possible. Yet, I feel 21-22 should be pretty decent in case you wish to get married soon. But if you are too confused, do Isteqara. May Allah SWT help you.

To Sister hayat84,

Is love everything sister? I agree with brother Ahsen, We need headlights, steering, nuts & bolts and other parts to run the car.

Peace.

 

[hayat84]

I speak for own experience,in my situation I see that love is the point of start of everything.we can't comparate a car with us because who swhitches on the car is a man,the engine won't turn on if somebody doesn't do it.among humans the love is that feeling that gave us Allah to be gentle,protective and all what concerns a good relationship in a marriage.

 

[tic_tac_toe]

I speak for own experience,in my situation I see that love is the point of start of everything.we can't comparate a car with us because who swhitches on the car is a man,the engine won't turn on if somebody doesn't do it.among humans the love is that feeling that gave us Allah to be gentle,protective and all what concerns a good relationship in a marriage.

I respectfully disagree that the modern day infatuation disguised with the heart warming phrase of love is the beginning of anything and if that was the case then relationships in the west won't ever break down because love is the be all and end all of all of them and we categorically know about the frequency of relationship breakdowns in the west.

The basis of relationship is "Taqwa" i.e. a man or a woman who has genuine Fear of :Allah: will fulfill the rights of others and be mindful of questioning on the day of judgement even when infatuation wears off and physical attraction declines or turns to dust. "Taqwa" will also ensure that both partners are aiming for the same goal which is ultimate success of the hereafter. West has no concept of "Taqwa" and relationships are based on superficial concept of love and that's why when it wears out and it does after a while, relationships break down.

Islam on the other hand encourages "Love & Mercy" and its easy to see why.

 

[Ahsen]

They have to sell it, that's why they make it look good. Figuring out the rest is our job.

 

[hayat84]

each story is something different,I've asked to my husband if he wasn't in love of me he would have married me:he told "not".so love is something which walks beside the so called "taqwa".so if one has Taqwa but he doesn't want to fall into Zina,he can marry a woman without loving her?

 

[islamdonlyway]

each story is something different,I've asked to my husband if he wasn't in love of me he would have married me:he told "not".so love is something which walks beside the so called "taqwa".so if one has Taqwa but he doesn't want to fall into Zina,he can marry a woman without loving her?

Yes you can marry a women without falling in love, and this is simply known as the 'halal way of marriage'. The reason being, if you marry someone through 'Love' that presumably means you have been in an illicit relationship which everyone knows is Haram (e.g, meeting up, talking on the phone/texting). Before you marry a person, you only can get to know them through a wali, and i really much doubt you will fall in love with that person when a wali is always present. You may get slight feelings of joy/happiness, but i doubt you will fall in 'love' before marriage through the halal system.

 

[aliasusdxb]

A lot of young Muslims who strive to get married are told to wait until they're financially stable along with certain education requirements. For many of these Muslims, they are forced to drag this whole thing out until they reach the "specified level" of independence. What happens to many of them?

They fall into zina.

The brother's haya and preservation of his deen is more important than financial independence. There is nothing wrong with them having a nikkah and then continuing to live with their parents until he's financially able to support her.

Priorities are what matter and deen over dunya comes first.

Very truly said sister shahnaz a fried of mine i know did the same and he actully *!*!*!*!ed with his wife wne he got a Job and was stable financially till then both of them were living in with their parents

 

[hayat84]

you0re right,by the way I come from a disbeliever world and turned to Islam later,I can say that I've made the mistake to fall in love before marrying.now that I know how to behave I don't think that I'll allow to make my same error.I had the chance to find the right man,but he also could be not.so it's true,I regret it but now I feel so pulled toward this feeling,that if there wasn't love,I couldn't carry on

 

[ATA95]

I'm getting conflicting opinions. One side says I shouldn't get married because I'm too young, not financially stable to support a spouse and don't have the emotional ability to handle marriage. The other side says I should get married because deen is more important over being financially stable etc. I do my very best to fulfil Islam but when I hear the same so called "solutions" like fasting and spending time with the pious I get frustrated become they seem unrealistic. Yes fasting is a great solution to diminish sexual desires but it only lasts temporarily because once a person refuels their body by eating and drinking the desires come back just like before they began fasting. It's the same with spending time with the pious. Once a person leaves the company of the pious the sexual desires come back. It's extremely difficult to fulfil Islam because I don't live in an Islamic household or am surrounded in an Islamic environment. These conflicting opinions make me feel as if I should just give up because it seems like a joke that no one can seem to agree on anything.