As-salaamu'alaykum,
Umar ibn al-Khattab (radiyAllahu anh) approached Aa’ishah (radiyAllahu anha), the Mother of the Believers, and rather straightforwardly informed her that he wanted to marry her younger sister, Umm Kulthoom (radiyAllahu anha).
After Umar submitted his marriage proposal to her, Aa’ishah brought up the matter to Umm Kulthoom.
Much to Aa’ishah’s surprise, and perhaps a little to her chagrin, Umm Kulthoom outright rejected Umar’s proposal without even entertaining the idea that she might be a good match for Umar. Umm Kulthoom said to her older sister,
“No, I do not want to marry him.”
Aa’ishah said,
“Are you rejecting the Leader of the Believers?”
Umm Kulthoom replied,
“Yes, for indeed, he lives a hard life, and he is stern with women.”
Aa’ishah did not know how to handle the situation; rejecting a proposal is always a delicate matter that requires tact, and she did not know how Umar would react to the rejection.
Wanting advice on the matter, Aa’ishah sent for ‘Amr ibn Al-‘Aas (RadiyAllahu anh). When he visited her, she told him about the situation. It was, after all, no use making Umar wait any longer, for Umm Kulthoom had made her final decision.
Having become completely apprised about the situation, Amr said to ‘Aa’ishah,
“Do not concern yourself any further. I will take care of this matter for you.”
Amr then went to Umar and said to him,
“O Leader of the Believers, I have heard some news; and I ask Allah to grant you protection from what I heard.”
Umar asked,
“What is the matter?”
Amr said,
“Did you not propose to marry Umm Kulthoom, the daughter of Abu Bakr?”
That was all Umar needed to hear, for, by the tone of Amr’s voice based on the manner in which Amr broached the topic, Umar knew that something had happened, that the marriage was not going to take place and so he replied,
“Yes (I did propose to marry her). Are you trying to turn me away from marrying her? Or are you turning her away from marrying me?”
Umar at least had the right to ask this question, for in his mind, the matter involved him. Aa’ishah and Umm Kulthoom. He was simply trying to guess why Amr had gotten involved in the matter.
“It is neither the first nor the second (of your guesses); rather, understand that she is young; that she grew up under the care of the Mother of the Believers ‘Aa’ishah; and that she grew up in a rather comfortable, soft, and easy lifestyle. And there is harshness in you. We are afraid of you, and we are not able to force you to abandon some of your traits. So (considering the vast difference between the two of you) imagine what will happen if she were to disobey you regarding some matter; and then imagine if you somehow subdued her with force. If you were to do so, you would have done something to Abu Bakr’s child that you have no right to do so.”
Umar said,
“What about ‘Aa’ishah? For I already spoke to her about the matter.”
With incredible tact, Amr replied,
“O Leader of the Believers, I will speak to Aa’ishah for you (and bring the matter to an end).”
(Al-Faarooq, by Umar Ash-Sharqaawee, pgs. 210, 211)
According to one particular narrator, Amr ibn Al-Aas said,
“O Leader of the Believers, would that you married a woman?”
Based on this narration, Amr tactfully broached the topic in such a way that it seemed as if he knew nothing about Umar’s proposal. Umar – who, since he had proposed to Umm Kulthoom, obviously did want to get married – said,
“Hopefully that will happen in the coming days (i.e., hopefully I will get married in the coming days).”
Amr asked (even though he knew the answer to his question).
“Who are you thinking of marrying, O Leader of the Believers?”
Umar replied,
“Umm Kulthoom, the daughter of Abu Bakr.”
Amr said,
“Why would you want to marry a young girl who, every morning and every evening, would remind you about the death of her father?”
Umar asked,
“Did Aa’ishah order you to do this (i.e., to speak to me about my marriage proposal to Umm Kulthoom)?”
Amr replied,
“Yes.”
Umar gave up the idea of marrying Umm Kulthoom, and Talhah ibn Ubaydullah (RadiyAllahu anh) soon married her instead.
(Shaheed Al-Maihraab, pg. 204)
A common dream among teenage girls in any culture, and in any society, is to marry a man who is famous and powerful, a man who is widely admired among all members of society. And yet when the Leader of the Believers proposed to a young woman, she rejected his proposal.
If that happened to a king, dictator, or ruler today, he would have forced the girl to marry her; or at least her parents – claiming that she had to do what was in the best interests of their family, for if she were to marry the ruler, the status of their family would become elevated – would force her to marry him. The opposite was true for Umar. From the very outset, he went to ‘Aa’ishah, not ordering her to arrange the marriage, not forcing her to have him marry her sister, but instead making a simple proposal. Then, when Umar was informed in a tactful manner that his proposal had been rejected, he simply moved on with his life, without becoming angry, without becoming bitter, and without threatening to harm Umm Kulthoom or her family. This was just a specific example of how Umar respected the decision of a young girl; but even in general, Umar as a principle, supported the right of young women to decide whether or not they wanted to accept the proposal of any given suitor. Umar once said,
“Do not force your daughters to marry an unsightly man; for indeed, they love the same things that you love.”
(‘Uyoon al-Akhbar, 4/11, Faraaid Al-Kalaam, pg. 141)
Umar ibn al-Khattab (radiyAllahu anh) approached Aa’ishah (radiyAllahu anha), the Mother of the Believers, and rather straightforwardly informed her that he wanted to marry her younger sister, Umm Kulthoom (radiyAllahu anha).
After Umar submitted his marriage proposal to her, Aa’ishah brought up the matter to Umm Kulthoom.
Much to Aa’ishah’s surprise, and perhaps a little to her chagrin, Umm Kulthoom outright rejected Umar’s proposal without even entertaining the idea that she might be a good match for Umar. Umm Kulthoom said to her older sister,
“No, I do not want to marry him.”
Aa’ishah said,
“Are you rejecting the Leader of the Believers?”
Umm Kulthoom replied,
“Yes, for indeed, he lives a hard life, and he is stern with women.”
Aa’ishah did not know how to handle the situation; rejecting a proposal is always a delicate matter that requires tact, and she did not know how Umar would react to the rejection.
Wanting advice on the matter, Aa’ishah sent for ‘Amr ibn Al-‘Aas (RadiyAllahu anh). When he visited her, she told him about the situation. It was, after all, no use making Umar wait any longer, for Umm Kulthoom had made her final decision.
Having become completely apprised about the situation, Amr said to ‘Aa’ishah,
“Do not concern yourself any further. I will take care of this matter for you.”
Amr then went to Umar and said to him,
“O Leader of the Believers, I have heard some news; and I ask Allah to grant you protection from what I heard.”
Umar asked,
“What is the matter?”
Amr said,
“Did you not propose to marry Umm Kulthoom, the daughter of Abu Bakr?”
That was all Umar needed to hear, for, by the tone of Amr’s voice based on the manner in which Amr broached the topic, Umar knew that something had happened, that the marriage was not going to take place and so he replied,
“Yes (I did propose to marry her). Are you trying to turn me away from marrying her? Or are you turning her away from marrying me?”
Umar at least had the right to ask this question, for in his mind, the matter involved him. Aa’ishah and Umm Kulthoom. He was simply trying to guess why Amr had gotten involved in the matter.
“It is neither the first nor the second (of your guesses); rather, understand that she is young; that she grew up under the care of the Mother of the Believers ‘Aa’ishah; and that she grew up in a rather comfortable, soft, and easy lifestyle. And there is harshness in you. We are afraid of you, and we are not able to force you to abandon some of your traits. So (considering the vast difference between the two of you) imagine what will happen if she were to disobey you regarding some matter; and then imagine if you somehow subdued her with force. If you were to do so, you would have done something to Abu Bakr’s child that you have no right to do so.”
Umar said,
“What about ‘Aa’ishah? For I already spoke to her about the matter.”
With incredible tact, Amr replied,
“O Leader of the Believers, I will speak to Aa’ishah for you (and bring the matter to an end).”
(Al-Faarooq, by Umar Ash-Sharqaawee, pgs. 210, 211)
According to one particular narrator, Amr ibn Al-Aas said,
“O Leader of the Believers, would that you married a woman?”
Based on this narration, Amr tactfully broached the topic in such a way that it seemed as if he knew nothing about Umar’s proposal. Umar – who, since he had proposed to Umm Kulthoom, obviously did want to get married – said,
“Hopefully that will happen in the coming days (i.e., hopefully I will get married in the coming days).”
Amr asked (even though he knew the answer to his question).
“Who are you thinking of marrying, O Leader of the Believers?”
Umar replied,
“Umm Kulthoom, the daughter of Abu Bakr.”
Amr said,
“Why would you want to marry a young girl who, every morning and every evening, would remind you about the death of her father?”
Umar asked,
“Did Aa’ishah order you to do this (i.e., to speak to me about my marriage proposal to Umm Kulthoom)?”
Amr replied,
“Yes.”
Umar gave up the idea of marrying Umm Kulthoom, and Talhah ibn Ubaydullah (RadiyAllahu anh) soon married her instead.
(Shaheed Al-Maihraab, pg. 204)
A common dream among teenage girls in any culture, and in any society, is to marry a man who is famous and powerful, a man who is widely admired among all members of society. And yet when the Leader of the Believers proposed to a young woman, she rejected his proposal.
If that happened to a king, dictator, or ruler today, he would have forced the girl to marry her; or at least her parents – claiming that she had to do what was in the best interests of their family, for if she were to marry the ruler, the status of their family would become elevated – would force her to marry him. The opposite was true for Umar. From the very outset, he went to ‘Aa’ishah, not ordering her to arrange the marriage, not forcing her to have him marry her sister, but instead making a simple proposal. Then, when Umar was informed in a tactful manner that his proposal had been rejected, he simply moved on with his life, without becoming angry, without becoming bitter, and without threatening to harm Umm Kulthoom or her family. This was just a specific example of how Umar respected the decision of a young girl; but even in general, Umar as a principle, supported the right of young women to decide whether or not they wanted to accept the proposal of any given suitor. Umar once said,
“Do not force your daughters to marry an unsightly man; for indeed, they love the same things that you love.”
(‘Uyoon al-Akhbar, 4/11, Faraaid Al-Kalaam, pg. 141)
