Serious Husband-Wife Beatings

Janaan

ربنا اغفر لنا ذنوبنا
Staff member
Assalaamu `alaikum warahmatullaahi wabarakaatuh brothers and sisters!

I have a question and I need an answer from a Islaamic perspective. If you know/have anything on this, do share.

In some cultures, they have this disturbing tradition in which the husband beats the wife to show her how much he "loves" her. I've witnessed it happen once before, though I don't think I was meant to- was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

So would I be in the wrong if I contacted the authorities if I was ever to witness another one of those incidents? Could be the husband beating his wife or, as I've heard of it happening, a wife beating her husband or just both of them close to killing one another.

I know Islamically we aren't supposed to get involved in other people's affairs.. And then culturally, when something goes wrong between the two, it's of course my fault--but am I just supposed to ignore it?
There were glass shards everywhere and the woman was getting choked, lots of screaming- that's really not something one can just ignore.
 

Koke

Junior Member
That is a really difficult situation. I know there is a cultural group in south america where women measure their husband's love based on how many scars they have from him.

I think how you respond should be based on the country/environment you are in. What country was this? If you are in an environment/country where this isn't the cultural norm, then by all means call the police.

I have no idea if anything I will be saying after this point will be agreed on by our brothers and sisters, I am just giving my opinion and point of view from MY interpretation of the Quran. It would be much better to consult an Imam.

In regards to you getting involved in such a situation, it sounds like attempted murder/wife battering which I think your involvement would be supported Islamically by this verse:

5:32 On that account: We ordained for the Children of Israel that if any one slew a person - unless it be for murder or for spreading mischief in the land - it would be as if he slew the whole people: and if any one saved a life, it would be as if he saved the life of the whole people. Then although there came to them Our messengers with clear signs, yet, even after that, many of them continued to commit excesses in the land.

This verse is commonly cited when individuals are supporting their action of intervening in violence or the attempted murder of someone.

Many people justify wife-battering by this Quranic verse:

4:34 Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has given the one more (strength) than the other, and because they support them from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in (the husband's) absence what Allah would have them guard. As to those women on whose part ye fear disloyalty and ill-conduct, admonish them (first), (Next), refuse to share their beds, (And last) beat them (lightly); but if they return to obedience, seek not against them Means (of annoyance): For Allah is Most High, great (above you all).

It doesn't say BATTER the woman. Throughout the Quran women are held in such high regard that many people use this surah as an excuse and means to degrade the value of women throughout the Quran. This Surah was explained to me that Men are not to beat the women as what people commonly understand it to mean but more like tap her with a pen type of hit because men are more physical in their interactions and tend to struggle to communicate emotionally. I am not saying this is correct or not, but this is the way an Imam explained it to me when I asked about this verse. This is the only way that I can see an irrational argument for what happened to that woman, but again I truly doubt our religion would condone such behavior.
 

Mahzala

فَتَبَارَكَ اللَّهُ أَحْسَنُ الْخَالِقِينَ
In some cultures, they have this disturbing tradition in which the husband beats the wife to show her how much he "loves" her. I've witnessed it happen once before, though I don't think I was meant to- was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

So would I be in the wrong if I contacted the authorities if I was ever to witness another one of those incidents? Could be the husband beating his wife or, as I've heard of it happening, a wife beating her husband or just both of them close to killing one another.

There were glass shards everywhere and the woman was getting choked, lots of screaming- that's really not something one can just ignore.

Cause pain to show love? Wow ... what kind of culture embraces that?

(Wife beating husband? Wow ... what kind of woman does that?)
 

Umm Abdullah

Junior Member
Wa aleykum assalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakaatuh

Hmm what a weird culture. We should only take from our cultures the things that are good.
There are also some things in my culture that goes against Islam, so I leave it.
I think maybe you should talk to the local imam and see if he can help? Allahu A'lem sister.
 

Tabassum07

Smile for Allah
Assalamu alaykum,

Sister, please go through these links, they'll answer your question InshaAllah:

This determines that wife-beating is wrong:

http://www.islamqa.com/en/ref/149359/hit wife

And this determines that enjoining what is good, and forbidding what is evil is the duty of every muslim:

http://www.islamqa.com/en/ref/96662/witness to sin

So the solution: Next time you see something like this, notify the authorities ASAP.

"Whoever among you sees an evil action, then let him change it with his hand [by taking action]; if he cannot, then with his tongue [by speaking out]; and if he cannot, then with his heart – and that is the weakest of faith.” Narrated by Muslim in his Saheeh.

And the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “If the people see an evil and do not change it, soon Allaah will punish them all.”

However sister, like the first link said: Maybe the police might rule something Islamically incorrect. So maybe instead of the police, you could call the neighhours or relatives to stop this situation? Or maybe get CAIR involved in this? At least they would deal with the situation Islamically... Better yet, call the masjid and the imam and get him involved to put a stop to this.
 

Koke

Junior Member
Cause pain to show love? Wow ... what kind of culture embraces that?

(Wife beating husband? Wow ... what kind of woman does that?)

What may be strange and disgusting to us, may be beautiful and sacred to them. Basic principal of Anthropology: don't judge another's culture based on your cultural norms and constructs.

People of other cultures may find it strange or unacceptable for a wife to have to work in order to help support her family ( like in many western cultures).

In another culture it may be strange and unacceptable for children to be in daycare or to only see their family at night time because of school keeping them longer and longer.

In Japan, students go to school almost everyday. They have official weekends but still go to school on the weekends for 'clubs' and sports. They usually go to school from 6 or 7 am to 3:30pm and then go to clubs from that time to 6 or 7 pm and then from there go to juku class (exam school to practice taking exams) until 9 or 10pm and finally get home at about 11pm because they all take the train home from another city or ride their bikes home (I observed all this during my stay with my brother who is a teacher at a Japanese middle and elementary school). To us such a long day at school and away from family isn't great or good, but in that culture its the best option and preferred/expected of children and families.

It all depends on what culture you are from/part of and your view of social norms.
 

Tabassum07

Smile for Allah
Assalamu alaykum,

It all depends on what culture you are from/part of and your view of social norms.

Actually sister, it only depends on what Islam teaches us - all other cultural norms going against Islam are opposed. If some culture thinks torturing a wife to near death is acceptable, according to Allah, it is never acceptable. And we as muslims have a duty to uphold that.
 

Koke

Junior Member
Assalamu alaykum,



Actually sister, it only depends on what Islam teaches us - all other cultural norms going against Islam are opposed. If some culture thinks torturing a wife to near death is acceptable, according to Allah, it is never acceptable. And we as muslims have a duty to uphold that.

My response was in regards to evaluating a non-muslim/islamic culture. Islam isn't meant to be pressed or forced on other people, it is to be accepted with love and grace. That is why I said our views may be different from what is culturally acceptable in that differing culture.
 

Mahzala

فَتَبَارَكَ اللَّهُ أَحْسَنُ الْخَالِقِينَ
Sister Koke, while I agree that religion should not be imposed, so am I for the belief that even cultures, as absurd as they are, should not be judged by others, because judgement includes context, logic and circumstance. I believe there are many things in my own culture that I would stand by, but to the Western eye, they may appear oppressive. In saying that, I will still question what kind of cultures allows for such an expression of love.

Cultures are the practices of people, things they are accustomed to doing and believing, and if a person has grown up, immersed in an environment where they believe violence is a language of love, to me, that is just wrong. Love, of any kind, whether for ones Creator, one's spouse, partner, family, or even the world, should enlighten our lives, bringing hope, not pain. The least of all physical pain. That is plain darkness. Cultures bring people together on the common ground that we are humans, so what happened to their humanity? There are some very ridiculous things we hear about in other species of nature, of the things animals do. This unfortunately, seems no less than that to me.
 

Koke

Junior Member
Sister Mahzala, I agree entirely with your perspective. That cultural practice that I used as an example previously, I don't agree with it and I don't think it is right. To me it is a disgusting practice, but who am I to judge others and what they do in their society?

If 'we' interfere with other cultures on the basis that we don't agree with their practices or that their practices appear wrong in our perspective, that will just cause more harm than good. Such instances of western colonial powers interfering with the cultural practices of those they dominate has led to disastrous results for the subjugated people.

In regards to that culture, several of you are probably wondering how people can see such violence as symbols of love (more scars = more love acquired from husband). In the research paper that I read on this culture, the leading Anthropologist asked the women of that culture why does more scars from their husbands mean more love? The women replied that their husbands are always gone or busy working, that when their man finally does pay attention to them or notice them it is usually due to sexual jealousy. That their husband goes into a jealous rage because they think that their wife was flirting with another man or vice versa. So the more scars acquired by the woman means the more her husband wants to keep her for himself. Also these men don't communicate about their feelings, they have a role of extreme bravado and macho-ness, so they basically only express themselves emotionally to their wives through physical interaction (violence, intercourse, etc.).
 

Mahzala

فَتَبَارَكَ اللَّهُ أَحْسَنُ الْخَالِقِينَ
Koke, that is some good research.

No, I am not judging, but I am not going to see any justification in it either. Violence is not an expression of love. It's anything but love.

The more the scars, the more the merrier, I guess.
 

Janaan

ربنا اغفر لنا ذنوبنا
Staff member
Assalaamu `alaikum warahmatullaahi wabarakaatuh!

Thank you all for your response. Sadly, quite a lot of cultures practice this. It's sick.

Besides having people badmouth me for ruining a marriage and whatnot, there's another problem with contacting the authorities or the local Imaams. The wife doesn't want help! She's just willing to take it all. For the sake of what? Keeping her family's reputation alive? It's sickening really.

Sometimes I shudder thinking of marriage because of things like this. (What if later on down the road, after a couple of kids, I found out I had married a wife-beater, after all? )
 

Koke

Junior Member
Sister Janaan, I understand your fear. Sometimes people do change after marriage, and whether it be a good or bad change it really depends on the individual. I believe this is a reason why our religion does allow for divorce because Allah knows that we are all only human, that situations do happen and we are always changing.

In my culture, brothers are taught to defend their sisters no matter what, whether the sister is at fault in a situation or not. This belief/practice that brothers are the protectors of their sisters extends to even their sister's married life. I know when I marry that if my husband becomes a monster of a man and even attempts to be violent with me, I will always have my brother to turn to and help me out. Also, prior to marriage the men in my family usually talk to any soon-to- be husbands of women in my family and have "the talk". Basically, they tell the guy that if he ever puts his hands in a violent or offensive manner on their girl that they will kill him. Even when married and taken far from the family, the girls are still considered to belong to her family. Whether this practice is good or not, it has turned out to be helpful for many women in my family.

Through this example I am trying to say that even though this woman does not want to communicate with you, maybe you can convince her to communicate with her family. In Islam when problems arise in a marriage, 2 representatives ( 1 from the woman's family and the other from the man's family) come together with the married couple to speak of the issues and try to resolve them and make the marriage healthier. Maybe, they should undergo something like that. Or maybe that guy just needs some sense knocked into him by her brother :p
 

Mahzala

فَتَبَارَكَ اللَّهُ أَحْسَنُ الْخَالِقِينَ
Sometimes I shudder thinking of marriage because of things like this. (What if later on down the road, after a couple of kids, I found out I had married a wife-beater, after all? )

You don't need to find out that late into your relationship. You set the ground from day one. Communicate your expectations, set rules (whether you do this verbally, or gradually through your behaviour and gestures is up to you), understand how men think, what they want, and ask him to do the same on your part. You can prevent a lot in a relationship, and if you feel you haven't, you still have some capacity to control it.

If you're passive, which follows this thinking style: "My feelings, needs and thoughts are less important than yours" or "If I say no, then I may upset someone, I will be responsible ..." In the short term, being passive, you will be praised for being selfless, you will rarely be blamed if things go wrong, and most of the time, passive people avoid, postpone or hide conflict so they can reduce their anxiety. Notice though, these are all short term solutions. And the costs are that you will lose your self-esteem and get stuck into relationships that aren't healthy and you find it very difficult to change.

But being assertive follows this thinking style: "I won't allow you to take advantage of me and I won't attack (not physical) you for being who you are." The more you stand up for yourself, and act in a manner you respect, the higher your self-esteem. And most importantly, expressing yourself directly at the time means that your resentment will not build up, reducing the chances of aggressive behaviour, which again, does not necessarily mean physical. It can also refer to a break down, emotional in this case.

There are aggressive behaviours, and there are many ways of dealing with them, but they don't just come in the shape of a husband or wife. We experience these relationships everyday, and they can be very disturbing and unhealthy. Making the change to assertive is not easy either, because there is no guarantee of an outcome and it can be very frightening, and disheartening in the sense that people around you have always seen you to be passive, so accepting the new you, for them, especially for aggressive behaviours, is not easy. Coming back to the husband/wife relationship, thus my thinking of setting the scene from the very early stages of communication because of a change of character in either party can cause serious insecurity.

Anyhow, do not shudder =) Always remember you are bigger, stronger and smarter than your emotions, and they don't dictate what you do. =)
 
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