Dad Sick, mad at me.

[Precious Star]

So my father has been sick since the 2nd day of Ramadan. He has shingles - it is on his back, side and stomach.

I go to my parents' house every day to help, ask about him, make sure he is comfortable. I also call my mother from work every morning to see how my father is doing, did he sleep during the night, etc. If they need anything from the pharmacy or grocery store I go get it. My mother is tired and I make sure she does not have iftaar alone (father is not fasting).

My brothers came to the house once to visit my father. They don't call but one brother came again yesterday for a short time to sit with my dad, then he went home.

My parents have older grandchildren, they all drive, but they only came to visit once or twice.

So today, at work, I called my mom to ask about my dad, how did he sleep, is he in pain etc. I also asked if the rash and blisters are getting better yet. She says "no, everyone has looked at his rash except YOU. You did not even bother looking at his rash."

As always my parents blame me for not doing enough. I have spent so many years waiting for them to help me establish a family of my own but they refuse, so I live my life alone and lonely while my brothers have happiness with their families. All this time I have been trying my best but my mother chooses the ONE thing I haven't done, even though my older brothers don't even visit or don't do anything else to help (even though it is their responsibility). I don't see the purpose in examining my dad's rash - he is lying in bed, why do I need to lift his shirt and look at the rash? My father is dizzy and unstable on his feet and it is not my duty to take him to the bathroom so he does not fall, or help him take a shower, it is my brothers' duty but they stay at their own homes. The burden falls on my mother.

How is it that I am the Bad Child for not looking at the rash?

 

[Mahzala]

Growing up, there were times when I noticed that my mother would not say a word to any of my other siblings, but at a slight slip from me, towards her, and she would be very quick to respond (very mild though, my mother is angelic). So I asked her why, and although a translation will not do it justice, because in western cultures there is no such thing, you can say it is an amalgamation of dependancy, comfort, safety and hope, and these are feelings you have about the other person, and so, even if your relationship has highs and lows, you feel safe because of that dependancy on them, and their character, that they will overlook anything told, and help you get up again. I can see how it hurts, it is natural, but it is also natural as humans that we seek, in our relationships, a safety element, a person we know we can depend on through good and bad, and it is this dependancy and safety that sometimes causes us to express ourselves in a manner that actually hurts the other person. But again, this relationship has a strong foundation to start with, so the pain that comes along the way is also taken as a means through which to strengthen the relationship further. Does that make sense?

And then there is one other thing ... when our parents reach an old age, duty doesn't lie in gender or strength of the relationship, it is by default. In saying this, I do not imply you are falling short. If one member of the family lacks, the other can take it as their opportunity to gain, remembering that while mothers have Jannah at the soles of their feet, the father is the gate and the very door. And if the Ultimate and lasting reward and gain is sought, then lack of acknowledgement does not move us, because then the focus of dependancy and happiness is in the Being for which our intentions are actioned as He sees and is the knower of our hearts. May Allah restore your fathers health, and may you find the strength to bear the burden. And InshaAllah, He allows us to see beyond the faults and focus on the good, and place between you and yours unconditional love and mercy.

 

[Karima80]

Assalam aleikum sister, be strong and remember you are doing the right thing to be there for your dad (family). Maybe it easier for your mum to say this things to you instead of saying it to your brothers. Becuse if she had said this to your brother, she knows they would leave.

Try to remember the virtues of Ramadan sister and Inshallah your dad be healthy soon