Sisters Women in Islamic families

Precious Star

Junior Member
Salaams,
Why are Muslim families so harsh against women? I find that there is a lack of love, support and understanding when it comes to daughters.
I work al day, then come home to cook and clean for my parents. And their response? That my food isn't good enough but they don't want to starve.
I don't get it. Where in Islam does it say that this is permissible? They would never in a million years say that to their sons, nor do they expect their sons and daughters in law to cook and clean for them. All they care about is that their sons are happily married in their homes.
Where do I turn for support and love? Obviously, the men have their wives and children, and my parents try to give them what help they can.
I know I'm not allowed to say anything to my parents but where does that leave me?
Am I allowed to go away somewhere, and leave my older brothers to take care of my parents? It is also causing a lot of stress in my work life so I'm not getting my work done....this will effect my livelihood and ability to support myself. I also buy food etc for my parents when they need it.

I need help as I'm on the verge of walking away.
 

Mabsoot

Amir
Staff member
wa alaykum salam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

Unfortunately seems like a cultural issue that has nothing to do with Islam. May Allah increase you in patience and guide your family to a better understanding.
 

Precious Star

Junior Member
Ho
wa alaykum salam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

Unfortunately seems like a cultural issue that has nothing to do with Islam. May Allah increase you in patience and guide your family to a better understanding.

How is it a cultural issue that has nothing to do with Islam?
Are you saying that there is no Islamic solution?
 

Abu Loren

Defender of Islam!
Islamically your parents are supposed to treat you and your brothers equally.

If they are at fault I suggest you talk to them honestly and openly and let them know your feelings, it may be that they are unaware that they are doing anything wrong. Asian families tend to do this, giving preference to boys rather than girls. As brother Mabsoot said it is a cultural thing rather than an Islamic issue.
 

Janaan

ربنا اغفر لنا ذنوبنا
Staff member
How is it a cultural issue that has nothing to do with Islam?
Are you saying that there is no Islamic solution?
Because Islam does not teach us to act that way or to treat women like they're not worth a thing. Islam came to liberate women, as you already know, walhamdulillah for that. We are way past those days of jaahiliyyah when girls were getting buried alive or being seen as something that brings shame to the family - but it seems in recent times, that some people are slowly reverting back to that ideology, may Allah protect us from it. The Islamic solution here is simple, I think. We need to act upon the teachings of our deen. Our parents need to start placing the deen far above cultural practices and we, the children, need to overlook their mistakes and form better communication with them, as also work on our having patience with them no matter how badly they treat us, inshaa'Allaah.

And as the brother has said, it would be wise to sit down and have a talk with your siblings. If you're stressed and it's taking a toll on you then you really need to step away for a minute and have them take over for a while.

:salam:
 

faaraa

Nothing but Muslimah
Wa 'alaikumussalaam WR WB

Being an Asian I know what you are going through.
As the previous replies say, it's all about cultural syndrome and it has got nothing to do with Islam.
And as for your question "Are you saying that there is no Islamic solution?" ; the answer is "There is an Islamic solution".

Let me explain you as per my knowledge..
Every problem has a root cause sister...
Some of the problems are rooted by the mistakes which are committed by individuals, some are rooted by the mistakes which are committed by the society as whole. When it comes to your problem(s), they belong to the later root !
Yes there is a solution sister, but it could be only reached by the society as a whole.
As a daughter in Islam, you are never asked to spend for your parents but your brothers !
Until you get marry, its your father's duty to spend on you; if not father then its the duty of your brothers.
After you get married, its your husband's duty to spend on you.
When you reach your old age its your son's duty to care you.
But society has made things go upside down sister, most of the people treat the women as an object , specially in Asia regardless of their faith.
But Allah has given you a very good chance to be good, do good and gain merits I guess , Masha Allah.
All what you have to do is to bear everything with Sabr , wisely deal with the problem and bring a change inside your family first.
Each and every single family should change itself first then only we can change the society as a whole and protect many Muslimahs who suffer like you. Most of all, unless we try our best to change us and our loved ones Allah will never change our conditions !
"........ Indeed, Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves.... " (13:11)
Yes you have a solution, but it will take a little time to reach it since its your duty and my duty to learn Islam properly and guide ourselves towards the correct Akhlaaq (- filtered out from cultural mess ups )
And running away from the scene is not a wise decision neither something which is allowed !!
I remember in one of the lectures of Sheikh. Nouman Ali Khan he said that if you are having trouble in being with your family and neighbors, then its time to know that Allah wants you to guide them and build up a healthy environment.
Never turn your self away sister, fight it back with confidence 'coz you are elated in His Deen without a doubt!

And please do watch the below video Insha Allah , he tells a nice story which basically changed the way of my thinking and helped me to stay positive and get my rights as a muslimah among my non muslim friends
I am sure Insha Allah this will help you as well !! :)
I am making du'as for you , don't miss the video !! :)
 

Precious Star

Junior Member
I have already tried to make them change.

I'm not sure why this is not an Islamic problem, because clearly the Islamic family is not acting according to Islamic principles -- hence it is a solution that must be addressed Islamically. Its not like I'm complaining that my mother uses the wrong type of dishwashing liquid or that my father does not wear slippers.

The treatment of family members is governed by Islam.

However, Islam promotes the blind obedience by children to parents. It is Islam that puts the question of marriage entirely within the hands of the parents. A parent can tell their adult daughter or son to get lost, and the daughter/son cannot speak back. A parent can tell their adult daughter "make food for me because my back hurts" and the daughter is not allowed to say "no". The parent can find a wife for the son and help the son's family and help the granddaughters get married, without the adult daughter saying anything to them.

In non-muslim families, the daughter would simply walk away, and try to find a husband/boyfriend of her own. If her siblings don't help, then she can arrange to have a nurse help the parents.

So, I guess I can walk away and tell my parents "if you need anything further, you should ask your sons", but I know they are not going to do that. They are going to suffer and then blame me for walking away. If I ask the brothers to bring food for my parents, my parents will then get mad at me for putting my brothers to such a burden, saying it is my responsibility because I am not married. Oh, can I get married, too? No, it is too late because in in muslim families girls over the age of 35 do not get married.

So, you see -- I've tried all avenues. And honestly, sabr is fine but when you are in your 40s and you are tired and need help, "sabr" does not prevent you from having a breakdown. Does the Quranic concept of "sabr" require that?
 

kiana

Junior Member
This dilemma has nothing to do with Islam or culture of any sort. Its more of a situation where family members become too comfortable with one another to the point where they convince themselves that it is okay to cross boundaries. I highly doubt that your parents act this way to neighbours or your friends. Human behaviour is complex, but it all boils down to people treat us the way we allow them to treat us. I would suggest that you slowly re-build your boundaries, but carefully focus on your attitude as well. When people see you criticizing others, mocking others, and not being considerate of others' emotions, they will assume that you're a "tough nugget" who can handle criticism. (I'm not saying you do any of this stuff, but I'm generally saying those are things to watch out for)

I do feel your pain, but I'm certain you have the strength to gain control and steer your family the right way.



Ever heard of this? There are techniques to modify your family's behaviour and attitude towards you. read this: http://www.psychologicalselfhelp.org/Chapter11.pdf
 
The issue of women in Islam, is topic of great misunderstanding and distortion due partly to a lack of understanding, but also partly due to misbehavior of some Muslims which has been taken to represent the teachings of Islam. We speak here about what Islam teaches, and that is that standard according to which Muslims are to be judged. As such, my basis and source is the Quran--the words of Allah, and the sayings of the Prophet, his deeds and his confirmation. Islamic laws are derived from these sources. To facilitate our discussion we can discuss the position of women from a spiritual, economic, social, and political standpoint.
http://www.knowmuhammad.org/article...qjX_cur=3&_101_INSTANCE_2qjX_andOperator=true
 

muslimah_05

Junior Member
However, Islam promotes the blind obedience by children to parents. It is Islam that puts the question of marriage entirely within the hands of the parents. A parent can tell their adult daughter or son to get lost, and the daughter/son cannot speak back. A parent can tell their adult daughter "make food for me because my back hurts" and the daughter is not allowed to say "no". The parent can find a wife for the son and help the son's family and help the granddaughters get married, without the adult daughter saying anything to them.

sister its not too late, i would suggest you to get married, really, this is what you need; a good muslim husband who knows his responsibilities toward you. who know its his duty to get you all what you need.
and your parents should stay with your brothers' families. you please find you a good man or ask someone to help you and tell your parents your decision.normally things like this happen in pakistani/indian/bengoli famlies if i am not wrong because we people are so much obsessed with our society and ppl around us. what others will think if i do so and that. all our parents care about is relatives and their opinion regarding what is going in their childrens' life. i really hope and pray that you find a good husband soon.
 

um muhammad al-mahdi

لا اله الا الله محمد رسول الله
Staff member
Assalamu alaykum,

May Allah give you sabr sister! Allah has promised a great reward for those who have patience (sabereen wa saberaat) ayah 35 of Surat al-ahzab. My simple advice is to renew your niya (intention) every time you do something for your parents or they ask you to do something: do it with the niya of pleasing Allah, do it for Him and inshallah things will get easier for you.

Jazakillahu khayran
 

sister purified

Junior Member
The video by sister faraa is so enlightening! Jazakaallah khair for sharing :)
Wa 'alaikumussalaam WR WB

Being an Asian I know what you are going through.
As the previous replies say, it's all about cultural syndrome and it has got nothing to do with Islam.
And as for your question "Are you saying that there is no Islamic solution?" ; the answer is "There is an Islamic solution".

Let me explain you as per my knowledge..
Every problem has a root cause sister...
Some of the problems are rooted by the mistakes which are committed by individuals, some are rooted by the mistakes which are committed by the society as whole. When it comes to your problem(s), they belong to the later root !
Yes there is a solution sister, but it could be only reached by the society as a whole.
As a daughter in Islam, you are never asked to spend for your parents but your brothers !
Until you get marry, its your father's duty to spend on you; if not father then its the duty of your brothers.
After you get married, its your husband's duty to spend on you.
When you reach your old age its your son's duty to care you.
But society has made things go upside down sister, most of the people treat the women as an object , specially in Asia regardless of their faith.
But Allah has given you a very good chance to be good, do good and gain merits I guess , Masha Allah.
All what you have to do is to bear everything with Sabr , wisely deal with the problem and bring a change inside your family first.
Each and every single family should change itself first then only we can change the society as a whole and protect many Muslimahs who suffer like you. Most of all, unless we try our best to change us and our loved ones Allah will never change our conditions !
"........ Indeed, Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves.... " (13:11)
Yes you have a solution, but it will take a little time to reach it since its your duty and my duty to learn Islam properly and guide ourselves towards the correct Akhlaaq (- filtered out from cultural mess ups )
And running away from the scene is not a wise decision neither something which is allowed !!
I remember in one of the lectures of Sheikh. Nouman Ali Khan he said that if you are having trouble in being with your family and neighbors, then its time to know that Allah wants you to guide them and build up a healthy environment.
Never turn your self away sister, fight it back with confidence 'coz you are elated in His Deen without a doubt!

And please do watch the below video Insha Allah , he tells a nice story which basically changed the way of my thinking and helped me to stay positive and get my rights as a muslimah among my non muslim friends
I am sure Insha Allah this will help you as well !! :)
I am making du'as for you , don't miss the video !! :)
 

fb12326

Junior Member
I know what you mean, sister.
My mom really favors my brother over all the rest of us.
I think it's because:
1) It's her only son
2) In the somali culture, boys are like a super big deal
Like, i feel like she'd sell the rest of us if it came down to him.
Even if he makes the biggest mistakes and tramples all over her, she still loves him a lot more.
So I kinda understand where you're coming from.

But in Islam, you're supposed to love all your children equally, so this may be a cultural problem, like mine is.

Just hang in there and treat your parents good no matter what!

You say that you take care of them by yourself. May Allah grant you lots of ajr for your kindness. :')

Though, really, taking care of your parents is an OBLIGATION.
They raised you when you were weak and so you're supposed to help them when THEY are weak.
 

Precious Star

Junior Member
Actually
I know what you mean, sister.
My mom really favors my brother over all the rest of us.
I think it's because:
1) It's her only son
2) In the somali culture, boys are like a super big deal
Like, i feel like she'd sell the rest of us if it came down to him.
Even if he makes the biggest mistakes and tramples all over her, she still loves him a lot more.
So I kinda understand where you're coming from.

But in Islam, you're supposed to love all your children equally, so this may be a cultural problem, like mine is.

Just hang in there and treat your parents good no matter what!

You say that you take care of them by yourself. May Allah grant you lots of ajr for your kindness. :')

Though, really, taking care of your parents is an OBLIGATION.
They raised you when you were weak and so you're supposed to help them when THEY are weak.

Actually, they have an obligation to help me get married, and my older brothers must help my parents. Men are the protectors and supporters of women. My parents cannot refuse to pursue my marriage because they want me to have the obligation to take care of them. It is the other way around. Otherwise, I can just go out and meet men myself with a view to finding a husband and hoping he will convert to Islam. At least I will be protected and my brothers will have no choice but to support my pArents.
 

a_stranger

Junior Member
Assalamu alaikim wa rahmatu Allah wa barakatu
Dear sister.........all your suffering are due to ignoring the teachings of Islam .......not because of Islam .......dear it is not your duty to support your parents ........your brothers should .........if you do it by your will this is fine but the way things are going on is totally unislamic .......your father, your brothers should think about helping you getting married .....this is Islam as was practiced by the prophet salla Allah alaihi wa sallam....and sahaba. Don't blame Islam for ignorance of people.
With regards
 

a_stranger

Junior Member
Dear sister since your family didn't do the right thing , you can . Try to find a suitable husband .......it is not too late . Ask a good muslem friend to help you........be brave and tell your family if you find one. This what Islam tells to do . When you want to marry it is a blessing and Sunna of all the prophets . Then ........you should never forget your parents. It is the duty of your brothers and you to care about them ....either they move to the house of one of your brothers, or you make an agreement between all of you to look after them according to a schedule ..........try with a hoping heart.......keep in your mind the marriage is not perfect happiness .........but this is the natural life .i shall pray that Allah send you a most kind caring husband .
 

Precious Star

Junior Member
Of cour
Dear sister since your family didn't do the right thing , you can . Try to find a suitable husband .......it is not too late . Ask a good muslem friend to help you........be brave and tell your family if you find one. This what Islam tells to do . When you want to marry it is a blessing and Sunna of all the prophets . Then ........you should never forget your parents. It is the duty of your brothers and you to care about them ....either they move to the house of one of your brothers, or you make an agreement between all of you to look after them according to a schedule ..........try with a hoping heart.......keep in your mind the marriage is not perfect happiness .........but this is the natural life .i shall pray that Allah send you a most kind caring husband .

Of course it is too late. Who has ever heard of a Muslim woman getting married after age 4o? And my Muslim friends don't know any singles, they've already told me that.
 

Mahzala

فَتَبَارَكَ اللَّهُ أَحْسَنُ الْخَالِقِينَ
Of course it is too late. Who has ever heard of a Muslim woman getting married after age 4o? And my Muslim friends don't know any singles, they've already told me that.

It is hard, but put it this way, if you didn't acknowledge its difficulty, you would have had things a lot easier. Burdens come to those who can bear them, and hardship, to those who believe. You've got it all, and you've tried it all. And so remember, matters of destiny don't come down to too early or too late. They have a time. If Allah had written this down for you earlier, you would have been married. If it is to be in your destiny after this point, then that time too will come, and if not, then that time will pass. It's frustrating, no one knows that better than you, and there are very few women who could bear such a burden. Allah has chosen you for this test because all these years, no matter how hard it has been, you've been getting through it and He knows your capacity and He knows mine. Yet He has placed it on you and you are passing it, just as time itself passes.

Dear sister, there are people around you and me who do not have parents, some of whom have passed away during their children's lives, some before they could even share a relationship and some as early as the earliest memories go. And you know what, for each of those, it is a very heavy burden to bear, the loss of parents, the loss of their being, the loss of the honour we receive because our parents are around. A child without a living parent is like a house without a roof, it has everything, but it doesn't have security. We have been told that when our parents pass on, we must seek a different means of seeking Allah's pleasure and reward. I can tell you, firsthand that this statement has so much weight, yet we don't give it its due. Cherish those moments, embrace them, you've been chosen for this test, and better still, you have been chosen to earn all the reward that you would wish your brothers had. It is their responsibility, sure, but you have been granted a right to seek reward. And you are, and may Allah increase your strength.
 

a_stranger

Junior Member
Masha Allah sister , very well said , we need more Eman: faith to feel what is already given to us, we should not wait till we loose it to feel it . Dear sister Star try to rearrange your feelings ........don't concentrate on what you are missing , but on what you are given . Try to have more Eman and knowledge of Islam .........Allah subhanahu wa taaala will reward you for all the good you are doing.
 
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