Serious a question from TTI sisters and brothers ..

Seeking Peace

Junior Member
Assalam-o-Alaikum Wr Wb Sisters and Brothers..

i have faced quite a few instances in real life and reading onto some threads on TTI made me create this thread...i have been thinking on it for a very long time and i believe that there is a dire need of education on this aspect because in my view we are stuck with stereotyped thinking or may be i am wrong...so i thought to ask my TTI sisters and brothers as to what is their take on it...

it is said that men think with their minds and women think with their hearts...to put it in a more profound manner; men think logically and women think emotionally...i know it might sound "ahhh a long debated debate...useless and ......" but its has really been very much on my mind for quite some time now...

i really want to get some insight on it especially from Islamic point of view...and may be along the way we all get to know those aspects of human nature we might not have thought of before...so what do you have to say about it sisters and brothers.....!!!

JazakAllah-o-Khair...may you all be in the protection of Allah S.W.T..

W'S..
 

Tabassum07

Smile for Allah
:salam:

I would say that's a stereotype. Some people think with their minds, others with their hearts. I suppose Islam tells us to go with the logical thinking, for example, your friend did something wrong which you found out about. Logically, as a good muslim friend, you are supposed to advise them and correct them. But emotions might get in the way and say 'no, I don't want to hurt their feelings.' or 'they'll get angry at me.' However, we can see that the first method is what we've been told to follow.

Is this what you're talking about sister?
 

Seeking Peace

Junior Member
:salam:

I would say that's a stereotype. Some people think with their minds, others with their hearts. I suppose Islam tells us to go with the logical thinking, for example, your friend did something wrong which you found out about. Logically, as a good muslim friend, you are supposed to advise them and correct them. But emotions might get in the way and say 'no, I don't want to hurt their feelings.' or 'they'll get angry at me.' However, we can see that the first method is what we've been told to follow.

Is this what you're talking about sister?
Walaikum Salam Wr Wb Sister...

JazakAllah-o-Khair for responding sister...errr....sister @Tabassum07 i don't know how to put my thoughts into words as to what i am talking about lolxxx..

i've been thinking about it for such a long time that now my thoughts have literally spread all over the globe...actually i am more interested about the thinking and decision making patterns of women and men when it comes to important life decisions...how do you see they both think, react and decide...

what really made me create this thread is the notion held by men that women are hard to understand...you can never guess what she wants...always reactive with dire need of rationalism...while women hold that men in their rationality ignore the most basic emotional needs...they ask the very emotional situations to be handled in a logical manner...why do we have this divide???

the thread is more concentrated towards how men and women view each other's approaches...there is a growing thought in my head that i've been trying to understand....my take is that men think and decide as much emotionally as women do and women think as much logically as men do when it comes to important life changing decisions...but the divide that is upheld is very biased...this thread is my step towards understanding this phenomena...

i know its a very broad and vague topic but being a psychology student its a very interesting one for me...

JazakAllah-o-Khair once again sister...
 
Last edited:

SonOfAdam

Well-Known Member
Staff member
There are many nice ayats about the differences of men and women, inshallah I will collect some and share here. Please give me some time to do so.
 

SonOfAdam

Well-Known Member
Staff member
Islam was given to us by Allah SWT to teach us how to get along with others and live our lives so of course it is going to have endless teachings and rules about gender relations.

The relationship between men and women is not a simple one, neither is any relationship we have on Earth- they are mostly all quite frail and we can easily become regretful by our actions in them. No two people are the same from the same gender, let alone from different (male and female) so we will all have endless differences and unique thoughts and ideas. So each relationship on Earth is different and we as individuals must learn to get along with one another in a good way for the sake of Allah SWT and for earning reward for Him and Jennah Fardos inshallah. We have countless and beautiful lessons of this in Islam to help attain our goal and this should be the focus of many of us on learning how to act and behave under different conditions in the best way. All of these lessons apply to both men and female, however there are certain ayat that do talk about the differences between the sexes and to help us accept our different natures and to get a long. Of course male and male relationships, female and female relationships, male and female relationships are all different and we are warned and ordered to treat male and female relationships especially differently between non-mahrams (not closely related by blood/family or married male/female individuals) to avoid sinful actions. Please note, this discussion is focused mainly on relationship between male and female as far as marriage of course- this should go without saying but I feel the need to mention this. There is no reason to need to know too much about this until you are married and really you cannot know much about this until you are married.

In the end of this, please realize that just like we submit ourselves to Allah SWT, we should also accept that men and women are different and not dwell on this topic as many ayat I mention below say as well. This is the key to our happiness just like in many events in our life, we just accept things the way they are and it is always of course Qadr of Allah SWT. We should try to leave our differences to Allah SWT and just try to be as good as we can and focus on the good in each other- try to be positive. I strongly believe this gender differences is part of our test in the life, to get along with our partners and to make it challenging and also to help us become better and learn from each other. If it was not for women, most of us men would not do anything, we would be so happy living at home with a very simple and humble life- we wouldn't need much at all if it wasn't for us wanting to be with women. So had it not been for women, we'd be so lazy I believe and nothing would be accomplished in society. So women help men to be clean, organized, and to work hard to provide for them and their family- that is why women are so key to our ummah and world as many of the ayat I share below mention too, I believe. May Allah SWT always give us what is best for us and make us the best husbands and wives.

We must be understanding, open minded, patient, respectful and honorable when it comes to any relationships- especially between husband and wife, since once trust is lost it is hard to get back and it is very damaging to the relationship. A happy, healthy, and fruitful (children) marriage is the cornerstone to society so ALWAYS extra care should always be given for marriage and the relationship between husband and wife should take priority before any other relationship. I am reminding myself first of these things of course, it is a life long struggle to try to maintain a balanced and happy life with your own self, and imagine trying to do this with your spouse- it is hard for men and hard for women too to get along often, no matter how good the marriage is. There are countless hadith where the Prophet SAW had many issues with his wife's and he dealt with it and also countless ayat in the Quran for the same purpose- gender relationship and wisdom around it, I did not share any of these as stating this is enough to make that point. If you are a new Muslim or new to marriage in time you will learn much of this by just hanging around other Muslims and going to the Mosque and different lectures that focus on these topics. So if you do have relationship problems, always know you will have differences in relationships and remain patient and put your trust in Allah SWT and always work on improving your character so you do not offend others and have good manners which weigh the most on the Day of Judgement. Of course some brothers are worse than other brothers and some sisters worse than others therefore sometimes the man is the weak/troublesome person in a relationship and sometimes it is the woman. However, we all have weakness and shortcomings- we should not think that we are better than anyone, if we have so much trouble with another person then it is most likely part of our shortcoming for not properly understanding or treating the other person well enough. And if you do think you are better still, be careful since this can be or lead to arrogance and we will not get into Jennah if we have any arrogance in our hearts. There is always two sides to every story and you need to communicate openly to get along with anyone and not bottle up feelings inshallah to the point where you lash out and yell at the other person that may not even know why you are upset (since you had not communicated this).

With that being said, below are some ayats I collected from doing some research and talking to a scholar regarding the differences between men and women. It is just the tip of the iceberg of course, there are many more and probably better ayats out there than I have provided. Please add to it and correct me on any errors inshallah.

Firstly, we know that by definition a man and women are different since a man acting as a woman (i.e. being feminine in anyway) and woman acting like a man (being masculine in any way) is a sin and such people were cursed by the Prophet SAW:

Narrated Ibn 'Abbas
Allah's Apostle cursed those men who are in the similitude (assume the manners) of women and those women who are in the similitude (assume the manners) of men. [Hadith - Bukhari 7:773]

So we of course know men and women are different (you don't need an Imam to tell you this), but this is common to a lot of concepts and teaching in Islam as we will discuss further below.

Unfortunately, many believe Muslims don't have much respect for women, but it is just the opposite. Women in Islam are regarded with more respect and admiration than in any other religion or place in the world! You will find so much hate and bad things written about Muslims in this regard, but just about all of it is taken out of context and ignores the bigger picture (the ummah's health and happiness on large scale). We know that of the people we live with today that, women (who are raising very good Muslim kids and families) are most deserving of our respect and companionship (Subhanallah! Imagine this being said 1400+ years ago in such a male dominated society of the Prophet SAW):

Abu Hurayrah RA narrated:
A man came to Allah's Messenger and said: O Messenger of Allah! Who from among mankind warrants the best companionship from me? He replied: "Your mother." The man asked: Then who? So he replied: "Your mother". The man then asked: Then who? So the Prophet replied again: "Your mother." The man then asked: then who? So he replied: "Then your father." So this necessitates that the mother is given three times the likes of kindness and good treatment then the father. [Bukhari 59710 and Muslim 7/2]

A man came to the Prophet SAW and said, "O Messenger of Allah! I intend to go on a (military) expedition, but I have come to ask your advice." He said, "Is your mother alive?" He said, "Yes." He said, "Then stay with her, for the Garden is under her feet." [Ibn Majah]

There are also so many ayat about how important companionship is and how we (men and women/husband and wife) should treat each other with love and compassion:

"And from among His Signs is this: That He created from you wives from among yourselves, so that you may find serenity and tranquility in them. And He has put between you love and compassion. Indeed, in this are signs for those who reflect." [Quran 30:21]

Tefsir of Ibn Katheer (R.A. death 774H) said about this ayat, whilst explaining the term mawaddah means love and affection, and ar-rahmah means compassion and piety - "since a man takes the hand of a women either due to love for her, or because of compassion and piety for her, by giving to her a child from himself…"

“O people! be careful of (your duty to) your Lord, Who created you from a single being and created its mate of the same (kind) and spread from these two, many men and women; and be careful of (your duty to) Allah, by Whom you demand one of another (your rights), and (to) the ties of relationship; surely Allah ever watches over you.” [Quran 4:1]

I highly recommend you all read the entire Surah An-Nisa (Surah 4) in the Quran, which talk a lot about male and female relationships, I will provide several quotes from this Surah, if you didn't notice. Of course reading the entire Quran over and over is better. :)

This shows how men and women are protections for each other and how they share intimacy, what a beautiful ayat:
“It is made lawful for you to have sexual relations with your wives on the night of As-Saum (the fasts). They are Libas (i.e. body cover, clothing, or screen), for you and you are the same for them.” [Quran 2:187]

And regarding men and women rights, women have certain rights over men and men certain rights over female, but Allah SWT says that men have a degree above women since men are protectors of women since men are physically stronger. This does not mean it is a dictatorship- the husband must always treat his wife and everyone else fairly of course and provide for her (while a women does not need to provide for a man). There are many ayat in the Quran that talk about the differences of men and women and help men and women to get along with each other:

"And they (women) have rights similar to those (of men) over them, and men are a degree above them." [Quran 2:228].

This ayat is full of difference between men and women again, and how men should properly deal with women when there are problems- even severe problems with certain women that are so bad that they require some intense discipline (not physical but more psychological):
Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has given the one more (strength) than the other, and because they support them from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in (the husband's) absence what Allah would have them guard. As to those women on whose part ye fear disloyalty and ill-conduct, admonish them (first), (Next), refuse to share their beds, (And last) beat them (lightly); but if they return to obedience, seek not against them Means (of annoyance): For Allah is Most High, great (above you all). [Quran 4:34]

Allah tells us not to dwell on the places where men are better then women, and women better than men in the following Ayat, we were both created for a reason and with separate strengths:
“And do not covet that wherewith Allah has excelled one of you above another. To men shall be the portion of what they earn and to women shall be the portion of what they earn. And ask Allah for some of His grace. Verily Allah is all knowing.” [Quran 4:32]

Regarding rights of men and women:
Narrated 'Abdullah bin 'Umar:
The Prophet said, "Everyone of you is a guardian and everyone of you is responsible (for his wards). A ruler is a guardian and is responsible(for his subjects); a man is a guardian of his family and responsible (for them); a wife is a guardian of her husband's house and she is responsible (for it), a slave is a guardian of his master's property and is responsible (for that). Beware! All of you are guardians and are responsible (for your wards)." [Bukhari]

We are warned of some of shortcomings that many women have that lead to women being the majority in hell (another difference in many women's characters that men do not have):
Narrated Ibn 'Abbas:
The Prophet said: "I was shown the Hell-fire and that the majority of its dwellers were women who were ungrateful." It was asked, "Do they disbelieve in Allah?" (or are they ungrateful to Allah?) He replied, "They are ungrateful to their husbands and are ungrateful for the favors and the good (charitable deeds) done to them. If you have always been good (benevolent) to one of them and then she sees something in you (not of her liking), she will say, 'I have never received any good from you." [Bukhari 1:28]

Of course, there are so many hadith that talk about many of the shortcomings that men fall into, i.e. zina, lowering the gaze, lust, greed, killing, theft, seeking power, abusing others with their strength and wealth. Either way these things mentioned above are both sinful for both men and women of course, it is just that men lean towards certain sins more and women to others more due to their different natures.

Allah advises men in the Quran on how to deal with women if they become so upset that they don't love their wives and wish to seek divorce to be patient with them and try to see the good side of them (this shows of course the difference between men and women again, how a man can continue the marriage easily just because of some simple thing he see's in his wife fore the sake of keeping the marriage alive, the same advice is also pertinent to women as well of course):
"...But consort with them in kindness, for if you hate them it may happen that you hate a thing wherein God has placed much good." [Quran 4: l9]

Of course Allah wisely allows men to have more control over divorce, not allowing women to divorce by words, but even if a man jokes about divorce it is consider a divorce, Subhanallah, never joke about divorce, male or female! This is because women are known to be emotional and can lose sight of things when they become angry (too emotional). They will forget all the nice things in their life and all of a sudden lose all the love in their heart for their dear husband and may want divorce over even small things. From my experience, men are not like this. We would never lose our love this fast or be this hasty on such an important topic over small arguments. Honestly, I think there would be only a few Muslims being married right now if Muslim women were held to this same high standard of controlling their feelings and tongues when it comes to divorce such as Muslim men have to do, wallahi. I say this with full seriousness, and not as a joke, I have lived it countless times and seen it with many families out there. THERE IS NO JOKING OR ANYTHING LAX ABOUT DIVORCE, PUT THAT IN YOUR HEADS. It is the least liked halal action we can do. Here the scholar talks a bit about what I am talking about for those that may not know:
http://islamqa.com/en/115211

Some more hadith about differences between men and women and ways of them getting along:
The best of you are those who are the best to their wives, and I am the best of you to my wives. [Tirmidi, Ibn Maajah]

The following hadith I got from the scholar and had to translate to English, please forgive me if it is off, I could not find them in any hadith online, so please take with a grain of salt and point me to the full ayat location if you know it:
The best mumin is the one who is best to his wife and treats her with good akhlak. [Trimidi]

Don't make your wife sad. Allah has entrusted them to you. Be soft to them and be good to them. [Muslim]

Whoever looks at his wife's face and smiles will have much reward written in his record. [Tirmidi]

Women have frail characters. Win over her frailty by being quiet. Try not to see the flaws in the home. [Ibn Majah]

Some of the above hadith above, and of course many more which I don't mention, show the difference between male and female as if a male performs certain actions, i.e. looking at his wife, or holding her hand(not shared), he will receive ajr or they will begin getting ajr together. This has to be initiated by the man though since it is not in most mens nature to think of such things or want to do this, however it is something that women want very badly.

Men and women have many differences, as we know and have been talking about, but we forget that there are many more similarities we have that help us to enjoy the deen and life in general together, here is just a few items in this regard:

"I shall not lose sight of the labor of any of you who labors in My way, be it man or woman; each of you is equal to the other “ [Quran 3:195]

So this ayat is saying that for Allah men and women are the same, they will be looked at according to their actions and piety, not their gender or race.

“O mankind! We have created you from a male and a female, and made you into nations and tribes, that you may know one another. Verily, the most honorable of you with Allah is that (believer) who has At-Taqwa. Verily, Allah is All-Knowing, All-Aware. “ [Quran 49:13]

About seeking a wife for men (which is true for women too, seek piety):
Narrated Abu Huraira:
The Prophet said, "A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be a losers. [Bukhari]

I recommend the same advice to any sisters and their families too, the first thing you should look for is a religious brother- save yourself and your families from Hell by ensure a life close to Allah SWT and the teachings of the Prophet SAW. Do not fall victim to the wolves, stay with the heard. Being around un-pious people will rub off on you- no matter how pious you think you are. Many scholars say do not even be near such people, let alone marry them.

To sum it all up on the relationship between men and women we have this beautiful hadith. It happens to be my favorite hadith and I hope it does not offend any sisters, but it is the truth if you ask any married man or Muslim Scholar that authenticated it. After I heard this hadith, everything made sense to me... :)
Abu Hurayra reported:
The Messenger of Allah SAW said, "Treat women well. The woman was created from a rib. The most bent part of the rib is the top part. If you try to straighten it, you will break it. If you leave it, it remains bent. So treat women well." [Agreed upon, rigorously authenticated hadith, related by both Bukhari and Muslim]

Now to explain this hadith in detail it is as follows, probably most men understood it but I will explain what it means, inshallah:
"Treat women well. The woman was created from a rib (Hawa RA was made from Adam A.S.'s rib). The most bent part of the rib is the top part (the women's tongue/speech). If you try to straighten it (try to change her too much), you will break it (divorce). If you leave it (don't try to change her at all), it remains bent (she and you will struggle much). So treat women well (Be patient with them and treat them well no matter what since you will ALWAYS have differences).

The changing of course goes both ways, men learn to be more gently and considerate while women learn to be a bit more logical and open with their thoughts and feelings. Of course, some women are more logical than some men, and some men more considerate then some women, but Islam gives lessons for mankind as a whole and these lessons are to be taken as general rules of thumbs- obviously every point or ayat shared here doesn't apply to everyone.

Moral of the story, you cannot and will never make full sense of the opposite sex. Learn to live with it and accept it.

Please forgive me if I offended anyone.
 

Seeking Peace

Junior Member
Assalam-o-Alaikum Wr Wb...

JazakAllah-o-Khair brother for your efforts...In Shaa Allah i'll read your response as soon as i am free to pay complete attention In Shaa Allah..

W'S..
 
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