Globalpeace
Banned
Asslamo Allaikum All,
Re: Visit to the 53rd State:
Since I am planning a trip to my native country Pakistan I decided to contact the US state department (as a good ‘ol American citizen) would to check the latest state of affairs before my trip.
I was notified that since its induction as the 53rd (& the newest) state into the US empire it is perfectly safe and quite enjoyable to travel to the new found bastion of freedom & democracy; off course there are a few who are resisting but the clear and candid message to the “evil doers” from President Bush & Governor “B”usharaaf is that, “Resistance is futile and they will be assimilated” and the vast majority of Pakistani citizens are peace-loving and would like a fresh start in life after being sick & tired of living under the yoke of tyranny, torture and oppression.
State department did tell me to keep the following in mind during my visit:
1) Since I was granted citizenship well before the rest of the 170 million Pakistanis I do have special privileges and have greater rights then them & I should keep in mind that I have been a “longer serving member of the empire”
2) The two languages of Pakistan public (Urdu) & state (English) have been replaced with American (spoken in a Texan accent) with immediate affect, however I should be courteous with the general population while they work on the Accent & so on and come to grip with the fact that words like Connecticut is actually pronounced conneticut (with a silent “C”) & so on, Texas is not TEXAAS etc.
3) Keeping the rich culture & tradition in mind while trying to introduce American values, the official dress has been designated to be a Shalwar (Pakistani trousers) & a standard American Wal-mart issued T-Shirt with the signatures of President Bush & Governor “B”usharaaf . It has been noted that since a vast majority of the citizens of the new state are Muslims a modified baseball cap (with a shorter brim) has been also been recommended so that the shorter brim doesn’t interfere with the Muslims performing their daily prayers during Sajdah (prostration). New York Yankees have been kind enough to sponsor the new cap as a welcome gesture to the citizens of the new state and hence all caps will bear the official logo of the team
4) Off course the new dress code has been authenticated & approved by the new Grand-Mufti of Pakistan Imam Hamza Yusuf who proudly posed in the new attire with a spectacular cap
5) It was discovered that the Pakistanis have a habit of distributing sweets (particularly yellow balls) on happy occasions such as weddings etc. but these yellow balls can be used as a weapon so with immediate affect Pakistanis have been instructed to distribute the traditional American savoury of French Freedom Fries on happy occasions
6) Spicy food has been declared a health hazard so with immediate affect the traditional American “Heinz Ketchup” has been designed as the only spice to be used…State department were actually quite surprised as to why someone would want to use spices after adding “Heinz Ketchup” to their food???
7) All road-side food stalls in Pakistan have been sub-contracted to the highest bidder which was TACO-BELL because their menu closely matched the traditional food
8) The traditional Pakistani bread (Roti, Chappati, Nan etc.) were found to be too confusing & replaced with the standard American Pizza Hut THICK-CRUST!
9) The four provinces in Pakistan have been dissolved with immediate affect & the new state has been divided into North-South for greater administrative flexibility with tobacco chewing/spitting classes being incumbent in the South
10) The bottom of the message noted that due to the resistance of the Afghanees across the border, official state status has not been granted rather Afghanistan is still recognised as “Territory of the USA” similar to “Puerto Rico” ….I was advised that as a long serving member of the empire I should keep my duties in mind & try to convince the common Afghanees that they should take the example of Pakistanis & Saudees in mind & assimilate (its for their good….How can they resist standard American Pizza Hut THICK-CRUST! & still insist on the old Afghani Naan”???
I have registered my e-mail address with the state department so they can inform me immediately of any other changes or presidential decrees.
Jazakullah Khairun
P.S: I was bored in a meeting this afternoon so I put this together mentally getting myself ready for a visit in 3 weeks…hasn’t been copied from anywhere & certainly not proof-read yet!
:muslim_child:
Re: Visit to the 53rd State:
Since I am planning a trip to my native country Pakistan I decided to contact the US state department (as a good ‘ol American citizen) would to check the latest state of affairs before my trip.
I was notified that since its induction as the 53rd (& the newest) state into the US empire it is perfectly safe and quite enjoyable to travel to the new found bastion of freedom & democracy; off course there are a few who are resisting but the clear and candid message to the “evil doers” from President Bush & Governor “B”usharaaf is that, “Resistance is futile and they will be assimilated” and the vast majority of Pakistani citizens are peace-loving and would like a fresh start in life after being sick & tired of living under the yoke of tyranny, torture and oppression.
State department did tell me to keep the following in mind during my visit:
1) Since I was granted citizenship well before the rest of the 170 million Pakistanis I do have special privileges and have greater rights then them & I should keep in mind that I have been a “longer serving member of the empire”
2) The two languages of Pakistan public (Urdu) & state (English) have been replaced with American (spoken in a Texan accent) with immediate affect, however I should be courteous with the general population while they work on the Accent & so on and come to grip with the fact that words like Connecticut is actually pronounced conneticut (with a silent “C”) & so on, Texas is not TEXAAS etc.
3) Keeping the rich culture & tradition in mind while trying to introduce American values, the official dress has been designated to be a Shalwar (Pakistani trousers) & a standard American Wal-mart issued T-Shirt with the signatures of President Bush & Governor “B”usharaaf . It has been noted that since a vast majority of the citizens of the new state are Muslims a modified baseball cap (with a shorter brim) has been also been recommended so that the shorter brim doesn’t interfere with the Muslims performing their daily prayers during Sajdah (prostration). New York Yankees have been kind enough to sponsor the new cap as a welcome gesture to the citizens of the new state and hence all caps will bear the official logo of the team
4) Off course the new dress code has been authenticated & approved by the new Grand-Mufti of Pakistan Imam Hamza Yusuf who proudly posed in the new attire with a spectacular cap
5) It was discovered that the Pakistanis have a habit of distributing sweets (particularly yellow balls) on happy occasions such as weddings etc. but these yellow balls can be used as a weapon so with immediate affect Pakistanis have been instructed to distribute the traditional American savoury of French Freedom Fries on happy occasions
6) Spicy food has been declared a health hazard so with immediate affect the traditional American “Heinz Ketchup” has been designed as the only spice to be used…State department were actually quite surprised as to why someone would want to use spices after adding “Heinz Ketchup” to their food???
7) All road-side food stalls in Pakistan have been sub-contracted to the highest bidder which was TACO-BELL because their menu closely matched the traditional food
8) The traditional Pakistani bread (Roti, Chappati, Nan etc.) were found to be too confusing & replaced with the standard American Pizza Hut THICK-CRUST!
9) The four provinces in Pakistan have been dissolved with immediate affect & the new state has been divided into North-South for greater administrative flexibility with tobacco chewing/spitting classes being incumbent in the South
10) The bottom of the message noted that due to the resistance of the Afghanees across the border, official state status has not been granted rather Afghanistan is still recognised as “Territory of the USA” similar to “Puerto Rico” ….I was advised that as a long serving member of the empire I should keep my duties in mind & try to convince the common Afghanees that they should take the example of Pakistanis & Saudees in mind & assimilate (its for their good….How can they resist standard American Pizza Hut THICK-CRUST! & still insist on the old Afghani Naan”???
I have registered my e-mail address with the state department so they can inform me immediately of any other changes or presidential decrees.
Jazakullah Khairun
P.S: I was bored in a meeting this afternoon so I put this together mentally getting myself ready for a visit in 3 weeks…hasn’t been copied from anywhere & certainly not proof-read yet!
:muslim_child:
