confusedmuslim
New Member
Salam Alaykum
I am a young male that has just finished his studies...
I am about to get married to a woman in 2 months inshaAllah.
I am what is medically described as 'transgendered'. I am 100% physically a male. But in my thoughts I feel otherwise...more female!
For a long time I have felt this will deep inside of me, to be female. I like feminine things (romance/love stories, children, clothes), I dislike masculine things (cars, building stuff etc.).
I am very soft hearted, touchy feely etc. I am very different to other brothers.
I feel pressured to put on a male bravado, acting all tough etc.
My sisters tease my feminine nature...
My father has in the past...and upon my engagement joked that he was 'worried about me'
Also, I have never really connected that much with other males. Always been more comfortable around women.
My best friend at the beginning of high school was a girl...purely platonic relationship.
I later learnt that men and women shouldn't be friends.
Whilst I do enjoy the company of women...I am limited to halal company...ie. my mother and sisters
I used to put on my sisters/mothers underwear and occasionally clothing during my teenage years...
I felt so much more comfortable in those items.
I stopped upon hearing the Prophet (SAW) criticise the man who imitates the woman!
But with or without these clothes I can't stop these feelings.
I imagine what life would be like as a woman...how much more comfortable I would feel.
And also marriage, to a man...a real man.
I am not homosexual...I believe strongly in a heterosexual relationship
I feel like I am pretending to be a guy...
I was advised by a Islamic source in Australia to get married, that it would help sort out these mixed feelings.
And I am about to get married, but these doubts have resurfaced...
Please don't think I am looking for support to become a woman.
From my extensive research I understand the sins involved in that path.
I have heard of the Mukhannathun...effiminate men.
They were from my understanding 'ok'.
As long as they did not commit any wrong doing...And I believe sex change is considered 'wrong doing'
Also, they are not allowed to engage in relationships...(since they are still male, and homosexuality is clearly forbidden).
So I could just stay unmarried...but then I miss out on the chance of love.
The only permissable love available for me, is with a woman!
Hence why I am getting married.
I think there is nothing better in the doonya than a loving relationship
Especially, to be best friends with a woman...in a halal manner. That would be fantastic.
And also the chance to start a family.
To the best of my knowledge, I am fertile...and I love children.
Let me make it clear, I am a fully functioning male. I also have nafs...but it somewhat feels uncomfortable for me when I have typical male feelings (arousal)...
But regardless of all those male characteristics...my thought process still seems very feminine!
I am very very very emotional, insecure, soft hearted, indecisive etc.
My issue right now is guilty towards my fiance.
She is an amazing muslim woman. Wears hijab, prays, reads Quran, has a kind heart...the perfect woman!
And I love her.
But do I love her, like a man loves a woman???
I feel ofcourse I can provide companionship, inshaAllah children...and an Islamic based household.
But I am worried about not providing her with a manly presence.
Islam is a beautifully balanced religion, with clearly defined gender roles. And men and women each are given their own special qualities.
And it's natural for most men and women to like these qualities in the opposite sex.
My question is...will I provide her with the husband she deserves?
A strong, confident, protective man...
A masculine man...not one interested in girly things...
Someone who loves her beautiful features, not her clothes?
So I am left with 4 options
1) Don't get married
But the Islamic leader who I asked for advice strongly believed this could help me...and I would like to try.
So I don't think this is an option
2) Tell her before we get married.
This could be a turn off...but she has a right to know?
A right to understand?
3) Tell her once we get married...
This will probably just cause doubt in her mind???
It will relieve me of guilt...but surely, this wouldn't be good for her?
4) Never tell her. Take this secret to the grave.
I have never told anyone face to face.
Too much embarrassment and shame...
So I am tossing up between options 2, 3 and 4
I think option 3 would only make me feel better...it wouldn't be of help to her.
Option 2, gives her a way out.
Please remember she is young...still a virgin.
If we divorced afterwards...she might have trouble remarrying.
This is not a fair thing on a young woman...as we all know there is a stigma against divorced sisters!
And if she decides to get married to me...well then that is her decision isn't it? No guilt on my part
Option 4...makes me carry this terrible burden all by myself...but she will never know (which will be good for her)
Otherwise she would wonder whether I am admiring her beauty...or her clothes instead.
I understand a woman wants to feel attractive to her husband...not envied...
And wouldn't that be an awkward feeling in a marriage???
Please offer your advice...
I would especially appreciate some sisters thoughts...
How would you feel if your husband/ prospective was like this?
Would you want to know?
Be honest
My feelings are irrelevent...it's her that I am worried about...I love her and she deserves the best
I am a young male that has just finished his studies...
I am about to get married to a woman in 2 months inshaAllah.
I am what is medically described as 'transgendered'. I am 100% physically a male. But in my thoughts I feel otherwise...more female!
For a long time I have felt this will deep inside of me, to be female. I like feminine things (romance/love stories, children, clothes), I dislike masculine things (cars, building stuff etc.).
I am very soft hearted, touchy feely etc. I am very different to other brothers.
I feel pressured to put on a male bravado, acting all tough etc.
My sisters tease my feminine nature...
My father has in the past...and upon my engagement joked that he was 'worried about me'
Also, I have never really connected that much with other males. Always been more comfortable around women.
My best friend at the beginning of high school was a girl...purely platonic relationship.
I later learnt that men and women shouldn't be friends.
Whilst I do enjoy the company of women...I am limited to halal company...ie. my mother and sisters
I used to put on my sisters/mothers underwear and occasionally clothing during my teenage years...
I felt so much more comfortable in those items.
I stopped upon hearing the Prophet (SAW) criticise the man who imitates the woman!
But with or without these clothes I can't stop these feelings.
I imagine what life would be like as a woman...how much more comfortable I would feel.
And also marriage, to a man...a real man.
I am not homosexual...I believe strongly in a heterosexual relationship
I feel like I am pretending to be a guy...
I was advised by a Islamic source in Australia to get married, that it would help sort out these mixed feelings.
And I am about to get married, but these doubts have resurfaced...
Please don't think I am looking for support to become a woman.
From my extensive research I understand the sins involved in that path.
I have heard of the Mukhannathun...effiminate men.
They were from my understanding 'ok'.
As long as they did not commit any wrong doing...And I believe sex change is considered 'wrong doing'
Also, they are not allowed to engage in relationships...(since they are still male, and homosexuality is clearly forbidden).
So I could just stay unmarried...but then I miss out on the chance of love.
The only permissable love available for me, is with a woman!
Hence why I am getting married.
I think there is nothing better in the doonya than a loving relationship
Especially, to be best friends with a woman...in a halal manner. That would be fantastic.
And also the chance to start a family.
To the best of my knowledge, I am fertile...and I love children.
Let me make it clear, I am a fully functioning male. I also have nafs...but it somewhat feels uncomfortable for me when I have typical male feelings (arousal)...
But regardless of all those male characteristics...my thought process still seems very feminine!
I am very very very emotional, insecure, soft hearted, indecisive etc.
My issue right now is guilty towards my fiance.
She is an amazing muslim woman. Wears hijab, prays, reads Quran, has a kind heart...the perfect woman!
And I love her.
But do I love her, like a man loves a woman???
I feel ofcourse I can provide companionship, inshaAllah children...and an Islamic based household.
But I am worried about not providing her with a manly presence.
Islam is a beautifully balanced religion, with clearly defined gender roles. And men and women each are given their own special qualities.
And it's natural for most men and women to like these qualities in the opposite sex.
My question is...will I provide her with the husband she deserves?
A strong, confident, protective man...
A masculine man...not one interested in girly things...
Someone who loves her beautiful features, not her clothes?
So I am left with 4 options
1) Don't get married
But the Islamic leader who I asked for advice strongly believed this could help me...and I would like to try.
So I don't think this is an option
2) Tell her before we get married.
This could be a turn off...but she has a right to know?
A right to understand?
3) Tell her once we get married...
This will probably just cause doubt in her mind???
It will relieve me of guilt...but surely, this wouldn't be good for her?
4) Never tell her. Take this secret to the grave.
I have never told anyone face to face.
Too much embarrassment and shame...
So I am tossing up between options 2, 3 and 4
I think option 3 would only make me feel better...it wouldn't be of help to her.
Option 2, gives her a way out.
Please remember she is young...still a virgin.
If we divorced afterwards...she might have trouble remarrying.
This is not a fair thing on a young woman...as we all know there is a stigma against divorced sisters!
And if she decides to get married to me...well then that is her decision isn't it? No guilt on my part
Option 4...makes me carry this terrible burden all by myself...but she will never know (which will be good for her)
Otherwise she would wonder whether I am admiring her beauty...or her clothes instead.
I understand a woman wants to feel attractive to her husband...not envied...
And wouldn't that be an awkward feeling in a marriage???
Please offer your advice...
I would especially appreciate some sisters thoughts...
How would you feel if your husband/ prospective was like this?
Would you want to know?
Be honest
My feelings are irrelevent...it's her that I am worried about...I love her and she deserves the best