Advice needed...transgendered brother

Discussion in 'TurnToIslam Lounge !' started by confusedmuslim, Jan 2, 2013.

?

What should I do?

  1. Not get married ever...live alone

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%
  2. Tell her now (before we get married)

    7 vote(s)
    41.2%
  3. Tell her after we get married

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%
  4. Never tell her

    1 vote(s)
    5.9%
  5. Seek Islamic help

    8 vote(s)
    47.1%
  6. Seek medical treatment (become a woman, and have a sex change operation)

    1 vote(s)
    5.9%
  1. confusedmuslim
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    confusedmuslim New Member

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    Salam Alaykum
    I am a young male that has just finished his studies...
    I am about to get married to a woman in 2 months inshaAllah.

    I am what is medically described as 'transgendered'. I am 100% physically a male. But in my thoughts I feel otherwise...more female!

    For a long time I have felt this will deep inside of me, to be female. I like feminine things (romance/love stories, children, clothes), I dislike masculine things (cars, building stuff etc.).
    I am very soft hearted, touchy feely etc. I am very different to other brothers.
    I feel pressured to put on a male bravado, acting all tough etc.
    My sisters tease my feminine nature...
    My father has in the past...and upon my engagement joked that he was 'worried about me'

    Also, I have never really connected that much with other males. Always been more comfortable around women.
    My best friend at the beginning of high school was a girl...purely platonic relationship.

    I later learnt that men and women shouldn't be friends.
    Whilst I do enjoy the company of women...I am limited to halal company...ie. my mother and sisters

    I used to put on my sisters/mothers underwear and occasionally clothing during my teenage years...
    I felt so much more comfortable in those items.

    I stopped upon hearing the Prophet (SAW) criticise the man who imitates the woman!
    But with or without these clothes I can't stop these feelings.

    I imagine what life would be like as a woman...how much more comfortable I would feel.
    And also marriage, to a man...a real man.
    I am not homosexual...I believe strongly in a heterosexual relationship

    I feel like I am pretending to be a guy...


    I was advised by a Islamic source in Australia to get married, that it would help sort out these mixed feelings.

    And I am about to get married, but these doubts have resurfaced...



    Please don't think I am looking for support to become a woman.
    From my extensive research I understand the sins involved in that path.
    I have heard of the Mukhannathun...effiminate men.
    They were from my understanding 'ok'.
    As long as they did not commit any wrong doing...And I believe sex change is considered 'wrong doing'
    Also, they are not allowed to engage in relationships...(since they are still male, and homosexuality is clearly forbidden).
    So I could just stay unmarried...but then I miss out on the chance of love.
    The only permissable love available for me, is with a woman!


    Hence why I am getting married.
    I think there is nothing better in the doonya than a loving relationship :)
    Especially, to be best friends with a woman...in a halal manner. That would be fantastic.
    And also the chance to start a family.
    To the best of my knowledge, I am fertile...and I love children.

    Let me make it clear, I am a fully functioning male. I also have nafs...but it somewhat feels uncomfortable for me when I have typical male feelings (arousal)...
    But regardless of all those male characteristics...my thought process still seems very feminine!

    I am very very very emotional, insecure, soft hearted, indecisive etc.

    My issue right now is guilty towards my fiance.
    She is an amazing muslim woman. Wears hijab, prays, reads Quran, has a kind heart...the perfect woman!
    And I love her.
    But do I love her, like a man loves a woman???

    I feel ofcourse I can provide companionship, inshaAllah children...and an Islamic based household.

    But I am worried about not providing her with a manly presence.
    Islam is a beautifully balanced religion, with clearly defined gender roles. And men and women each are given their own special qualities.
    And it's natural for most men and women to like these qualities in the opposite sex.

    My question is...will I provide her with the husband she deserves?
    A strong, confident, protective man...
    A masculine man...not one interested in girly things...
    Someone who loves her beautiful features, not her clothes?


    So I am left with 4 options
    1) Don't get married
    But the Islamic leader who I asked for advice strongly believed this could help me...and I would like to try.
    So I don't think this is an option

    2) Tell her before we get married.
    This could be a turn off...but she has a right to know?
    A right to understand?

    3) Tell her once we get married...
    This will probably just cause doubt in her mind???
    It will relieve me of guilt...but surely, this wouldn't be good for her?

    4) Never tell her. Take this secret to the grave.
    I have never told anyone face to face.
    Too much embarrassment and shame...

    So I am tossing up between options 2, 3 and 4
    I think option 3 would only make me feel better...it wouldn't be of help to her.

    Option 2, gives her a way out.
    Please remember she is young...still a virgin.
    If we divorced afterwards...she might have trouble remarrying.
    This is not a fair thing on a young woman...as we all know there is a stigma against divorced sisters!
    And if she decides to get married to me...well then that is her decision isn't it? No guilt on my part

    Option 4...makes me carry this terrible burden all by myself...but she will never know (which will be good for her)
    Otherwise she would wonder whether I am admiring her beauty...or her clothes instead.
    I understand a woman wants to feel attractive to her husband...not envied...
    And wouldn't that be an awkward feeling in a marriage???

    Please offer your advice...
    I would especially appreciate some sisters thoughts...
    How would you feel if your husband/ prospective was like this?
    Would you want to know?


    Be honest :)

    My feelings are irrelevent...it's her that I am worried about...I love her and she deserves the best
    :)
  2. OsMaN_93
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    OsMaN_93 Here to help

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    I think you partially answered your own questions here.

    In my opinion you should be honest and open towards your future wife, everyone has their own inner struggles even if it seems they are perfect from someone else's point of view. I'm not going to answer your question directly because only you know yourself well enough to make that decision, but I will advise you to tred carefully on this subject. If you don't think you can please your wife sexually (if you're not attracted to her) then that should be your biggest worry. However, I suggest you look up what transgender is, because from what you said it doesn't sound like you are one. Everyone gets curious at some point in their life - especially during their teen years, but a trans-man would not be attracted to a female, and certainly would not admit that they are a man.

    Have a think about it.
  3. confusedmuslim
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    confusedmuslim New Member

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    sorry but...I think you underestimate my feelings.

    I have felt like this for at least 9 years...

    I have done extensive research over the internet for 7 years...and I know a hell of a lot about transgender...7 years I have poured through hundreds of articles...I have read hundreds of stories etc.

    And to answer your 2 points

    1) Shouldn't be attracted to a female
    I'll answer this is 2 parts
    1.a) Transgenders can be attracted to females, males or neither. So regardless this has no bearing.
    1.b) My whole concern is I'm not 100% sure whether I am attracted to females...or to their feminine traits (in a sort of envious way)

    And your 2nd point
    2) And certainly wouldn't admit they are a man

    Ok...this one...you are 100% correct on.
    No transgender admits they are a man.

    So any ideas why I would admit that I am a man?

    If I claim to be a woman...I'm scared that I am contradicting the will of Allah.
    Safe to say...Allah has willed me to be a male.
    And am I stupid enough to state otherwise?

    I just found the hadith
    "6222. 'Ubaydullah ibn Abi Bakr ibn Anas related from Anas ibn Malik that the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, "Allah appoints an angel to every womb who says, 'O Lord! A sperm drop! O Lord A clot! O Lord! A lump of flesh!' Then if Allah desires to complete His creation, He does so and the angel asks, 'O Lord, is it to be male or female? Wretched or happy? What is its provision? What is its life-span?' This is all decreed in the mother's womb."

    Like I said...this is after 7 years of extensive research
  4. sister herb
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    sister herb Official TTI Chef

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    Salam alaykum

    Maybe you should tell her before marriage but also be careful and make her understand what that term means; many people haven´t never hear it before. I have some experience about it as I know a sister who is transgender. As I have met her, she really behaves more like man than woman. She was married before but divorced (that hadn´t nothing to do with that matter). She is open with this matter; hers teenage son and parents know it and to them it is all ok. But your situation might be of course different with your fiancee and advices of us might be all wrong.

    How you would react if your wife would tell you something like this just after marriage? Try to put yourself in her position.
  5. confusedmuslim
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    confusedmuslim New Member

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    I would feel uncomfortable.
    I would wonder whether she was really attracted to me
    I would be upset if she wasn't performing her female role properly

    I know how I would feel
    But I don't understand the relevance?
    Is ignorance bliss?
    Should I not tell her?
  6. hayat84
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    hayat84 I'm not what you believe

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    salam 'alikum,I voted for seeking an islamic help.Since the times of the Creation Allah has decided our destiny,He created male and female,there are only 2 genders.I hope,brother,not to be too much unsensible,but just try to understand why you feel this feelings,even if you're a boy.maybe since your childhood your mother let you watch cartoons in which there were blond girls,like Candy,Georgie.you maybe had a bda relationship with your father,maybe he was violent or you had problems at school.If Allah has given you a male gender,you should accept it and being thankful,instead of avoiding it.it seems you're disgusted from what you are,but I'm sure that there is a reason for everything.don't discourage yourself,be strong,be a man,be a good father for your children if you'll get married.Forget those feminine feelings you have and don't let them overcome to your real identity.I think that everyone has got a double face,being a woman,I can say that I have the proud of a man,but I'm a woman,I accept it and I happy because Allah gave me what is good for me.what you feel about yourself is maybe the desire to escape from a deeper proble,.many times a man who avoids a relationship with a woman is a man who had a bad relationship with the women of his family,so he fears to be treaten in the same way.there is no other solution.You have been created as a male,you have to think as a male,even if (as I do)you have some feminine "dreams".How many times I behave like a boy,but it doesn't mean that I want to be like that.I am etero...I follow what Allah commands,and I bet that if I was like in the past,I would have changed my feelings,since I've known the Quran.let your heart be guided.I'm none to judge you,but I warn you from taking that way which surely makes you feel(on this Dunya)happy,because by myself a man who feels not love for a woman,is losing more than half of his terrestrial life seeking an answer that won't come.So brother,open your eyes,look at your face in front of a mirror and shout out what a good man you are.forget Shaytan's whispears.what you think is against the nature and it's thanks to the kafara billah,that a man like you and many others,think to be prisoners of your body.I hope this helped you,please,don't be offended,this is not my intention.in someway I understand what you feel,but it's important for you not to start a marriage before explaining your matter.wa salam
  7. HaroonM
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    I do not wish to be judgemental but believe that you should inform your fiance of your real feelings as not doing so is a betrayal of the trust she has in you. Secondly, consult a counselor if you have not already done so and see if you can work out the issues you feel
  8. Hajjerr
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    Hajjerr He is Dhul-Jalali Wal-Ikram

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    Wa aleikum salam

    Brother, first i find strange that the islamic source told you to get married, because marriage is not about just give it a try, is a very important decision and you will have to adapt all your life in living in two from now on. And it is clear you are not yourself on steady ground with this issues that you face.

    I think you can seek a counselor's help to discuss and make clear your medical condition, will give you at least insight on how to deal with this and if you need treatment or not. The internet is a dangerous place to search for other people's experiences, at some point you will start to identify yourself with them and maybe your problem is different; better take the safe way and speak with experienced individuals.

    And pray inshallah that Allah show you the way.
  9. alf2
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    alf2 Islam is a way of life

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    Well #4 isnt really an option because you didnt take it to your grave. You told people. So thats out.

    I said tell her before getting married. I dont know how she'll take it but she should know.

    Also, I dont see how you'll get Islamic help when you did and he said, "Get married" Gee, what a help. You need to see a licensed psychologist.
  10. strive-may-i
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    strive-may-i Junior Member

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    From when did being family oriented and a dislike for sports become a factor for deciding male/female? Who said liking for building, cars , clothes, stars, mars , venus, the spider that eats the male ... etc, decide your gender? Listen to real men, women, these are fancy thinking.

    Who certified? Trying to create a new niche category thats other than 'transgender'?

    You are saying you searched hard to prove your viewpoint and posted here with a lot of words to stress on it? Are you being dishonest under influence of deceiving thoughts, is the most honest questions you should ask yourself.

    You are cooking this up. Listen to real men, women. Give it a rethink. Take help. Marriage can wait.
  11. Merian
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    First of all you have to tell her. If you really love and respect her you tell it.

    Now I'm the one who sister Harb did mention in her writing. Yea, F2M and like that wouldn't be enough also gay. But that's enough of me.

    I would like to give you some advice in open, here. In case if some others will read this who has same as us. Being transgender.

    Firstly you need to search your own feelings. Your feelings are not irrelevant.
    Secondly. Ask guidance from Allah. Pray for Him. (I would add this also 3 and 4.) Because it's you who is living your life no one else.

    Others can give you lot of different kind of answers. But are they right?

    I'll keep this short. Have lot of sayings but rather say those in private.

    But stay safe sister.
    • Like Like x 1
  12. Aapa
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    Aapa Mirajmom

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    Assalaam alaikum,

    In reading the original post and the responses it seems that we are scared to write the glaring truth.

    The Quran is explicit in giving us direction. There is no mention about transgenders. Allah subhana wa taala created pairs, male and female.

    Brother, you have described yourself as a male, not a homosexual male. You seem to need a role model that is self-assured about his masculinity. It seems you do not know what makes a man a man. Our culture has made it very difficult. Men having hair removed and waxed, wearing silk underwear, and women's undergarments is foolish.

    You do not need counseling. Counseling is only going to make the process of you being honest with yourself longer.

    Before you can be honest with anyone you need to be honest with yourself. A Believer obeys the Word of Allah subhana wa taala.

    You are playing games with yourself. We have to remember we have an afterlife. Do you want to jeopardize the Promise of Allah? When those thoughts come to you do you seek refuge with Allah?

    Our body of scripture and hadith help us to understand what is important. Having thoughts of being sexually confused is not important. Why not take that time and put it to good use.

    A husband protects his wife. How can you protect your future wife when the most important thing on your mind is thinking of how comfortable silk panties are. I do not wish to seem rude, but we are not talking about simple things.

    The bottom line here is your soul. Find ways to raise your eman. Find brothers who are engaged in doing good deeds. Read the seerah of the Prophet, swas. And please change your username. Do not be confused, just step into the Light.

    I will keep you in my dua.
  13. sister herb
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    Salam alaykum

    Dear Aapa, I afraid you don´t really understand what brother is talking about. Being transgender isn´t at all thinking about hair removing or comfortable silk panties. Thats different and belongs more as to transsexuality.
  14. Aapa
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    Aapa Mirajmom

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    Assalaam alaikum,

    Sister,

    As I stated he is walking on a dangerous path. He is on an Islamic forum. It is is his choice. He has not described to us any physical issues i.e lack of penis.
    He is not a hermaphrodite.


    I am addressing spiritual issues. He is playing with the shytan. He wants the best of both worlds. He does not have the courage to tell her wali. Where in this is his faith.

    Sister, do you understand what I wrote. Why would you dismiss the faith based view? Would you tell him to tell her wali that the bridegroom has issues of sexuality and is not an appropriate candidate for marriage. That he could not never be man to protect her? She would be better single. Where is the honesty in this?

    He is choosing sexuality over faith. He is asking others to help him decide if he should deceive his future bride. We can not change what Allah subhana wa taala has commanded.
  15. sister herb
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    sister herb Official TTI Chef

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    Salam alaykum;

    I leave kind of matters to someones whose understand his situation better than I (and also possible better than you). Hopely you understand that this is more as matter of identity than just sexuality.
  16. sabs1164
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    sabs1164 AmatuLLaH

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    As-salaamu alaikum,
    I agree with this. May ALLAH give make us amongst those with Taqwaa..Aameen.
  17. Aapa
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    Aapa Mirajmom

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    Assalaam alaikum,

    Sister Harb,

    I fully understand his issues.

    And the correct word is taqwaa. He needs to develop taqwaa. He needs to pray for taqwaa.

    He does not have gender issues. He is writing as a male. He has chosen confusion. He is choosing the physical over the spiritual. It is a choice.

    Sister, forgive me if I sound harsh. But, this is a matter of faith. It is a matter of the young brother understanding the notion of submission to Allah subhana wa taala. In his responses it seems when he is given knowledge he seems to understand what is required of him.
  18. sister herb
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    Salam alaykum

    Maybe we let him to decide what kind of issue he really has. Right, Aapa? I think he knows himself better than any other in this forum.

    On my half, I prefer stop commenting this matter - even in public.
  19. Aapa
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    Assalaam alaikum,

    Sister,

    He is the one who has asked for help. We would be wrong if we did not tell him what our faith demands of him. We would be no better than the kufr in suggesting that it is a good thing for him to explore his sexuality. Our faith has given us instructions. He has the choice. But, we are to be careful of heeding what has been sent to us. We have consequences.

    The young brother has to start being honest with himself. How can a man enter marriage in Islam and not be sure that he can marry. Where is the wali in this.

    We all have to make decisions. He has to decide does he want to please Allah subhana wa taala or does he wish to succumb to his desires.As a Believer we can not tell him that his thoughts are correct. We can not make excuses to make right that which we all know is wrong.

    Sister, you have a heart of gold. You must think that I am cold. No, I am thinking long term. Sexual issues are minor when we look forward to the Day of Judgement.

    And if the young brother reads this: Son, it is your soul that we are thinking about. Your marriage is your gift and blessing. Seek Allah subhana wa taala and He will make the path easy for you. Seek Allah subhana wa taala and no other. Seek the company of righteous Believing men.

    Your post is important. You have had the courage to write. Do right and please Allah subhana wa taala.
  20. sister herb
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    Salam alaykum

    Dear sister Aapa; I do believe your heart is gold. You are my sister. Young brother just seems to looking for marriage but he has matter he doesn´t know if tells to his fiancee before or not. I with friend try to help him to find some kind of balance in his life.

    Matter of him (as I have understood) is not sexual at all but about his identity as human, as who he is, how he feels who he is. It is not easy task to anyone and might takes lifetime to find out. I only advice him to be honest to himself and to every others.

    I respect you a lot, my dear sister Aapa. Forgive me if I have hurt you by any way by my posts.

    your always loving sister :hearts:

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