..advice?

[somewhatinspired]

well now ive married the girl who was my girlfriend, she took shahada the day before. we still live with my father, and we dont have very much money.
i am 18 she is 19. we want to go to school, but we both work.


it might be safe to mention that my mother and father have been divorced since i was like 2 or three and my mother has since remarried to an Indian Muslim and had 3 kids. he did not practice until she had a child with him, and she converted shortly after that. they stopped drink and all that and moved on. i chose to live with my father when i was about 8. when i was about 12 i converted to Islam by choice but did not do much about it because i lived with my dad.my dad later found out i was a Muslim and didn't want to hear anything else about it.
ive told my mother about the situation (she is a Muslim convert)
she seems more upset than she was when she knew we were dating.
her advice when she found out we were dating like a year and a half ago (i think)was for me to dump her. well that wouldn't have been right because my girlfriend had no family that was willing to support her beyond the age of 18.
when she turned 18 my non Muslim father allowed her to live with us. it has been more than a year of her living here. i know we love each other. i wouldn't date her in high school until she promised to agree to marry me. so after a while we were dating and all that.

well i have wised up. we got married and started praying, i have been in contact with the mosque and i am attending jummah regularly.

my main concerns are my mother.
how can i find a way to reconnect with her. she wont answer my emails and she wont talk to me. i have truly disgraced her.

the thing is i married to please allah, and make my relationship halal.
from the advise of the people on this forum, and the advise of the imam.

i didn't tell her that my girlfriend was living with me, but i never told her we had broke up or anything like that. now she is so shocked to find out i married her.and angry.

she accuses me of wiping my slate clean and dumping all the burden on her.
she is worried about what the Muslim community would think about this, and what her husband who i never got along with will think.

she accuses me of manipulating my wife into Islam, and away from her family which isn't true. and whenever she addresses my girlfriend to me its always "if" she is serious...

should i just wait it out?
try my best to strengthen my iman, and our relationship. so that one day i can prove my intentions to her?
or should i continue dialog (which she now ignores)?

second question.

my wife is not comfortable wearing hijab around my fathers house or at work

we have no Muslims friends, and the nearest mosque is 2 cities away.

she has a scholarship for any college in Florida(we live in Florida)and as it stands now, i am going to community college locally.

we have been thinking about moving to Tampa because there are good colleges nearby, and there is a substantial Muslim community there.

we have little/no savings, seeing as we pay my father a lot of rent.

but i have a truck and she has a car. i was thinking about selling my truck, and using that as a deposit and first few months rent. and insha allah we could share her car while going to school. there is a bus system.

this is really scary for me but i want to join a Muslim community. we don't have good jobs here and it will be nearly impossible to save up any money living in the situation we are in.we pay as much rent as we would for an apartment. and we both pay insurance on our vehicles, and gas, and we buy food and all that. my father does not pay for my school.

i want to give my wife the freedom to wear hijab, and find Muslim sisters she can relate to.

i also fear that i will not be able to support us and go to school.
and i would not allow my wife to waste her scholarship
this would further upset my mother because she really wants me to get a degree. and seeing that she doesn't recognize my wife, she doesn't care about her scholarship or education.

i just don't know where to go or what to do.

i just got a better job here but i would not be able to transfer for six months. i don't want to make my wife have to wait that long. and personally i dont wanna wait that long.


lastly, given our age, how do you guys think the Muslim community would react to our situation... i mean i can say we are new Muslims and that we are married. but wouldn't it be strange to them ? we are too young to relate to the older married couples and we are married so it would be hard for us to relate to the people our age.

im so confused. i just want to fix everything now. but i cant make everything right because i spent so much time throwing all the pieces to different corners of the world

 

[Globalpeace]

Asslamo Allaikum,

Patience my lad!

First of all I commend you for taking the step in marrying your girl-friend. It takes guts, courage and determination.

It will take bigger guts to see it through!

I am significantly older then you and have been around for a while & looked at plenty of things like these.

I suggest that you spend your time as follows:

• Learning about Islam and your duties/responsibilities towards Allah (SWT)
• Develop your relationship with her into a solid foundation because your lives (both of you) has just begun! There is a bumpy-ride ahead
• Actually both of you should develop TOGETHER in Islam & it will also help strengthen your relationship in Islam
• Look after her and don’t abandon her as Allah (SWT) has provided guidance to her using you as a means.
• It is your duty as a Muslim and as a husband to get your life in ORDER and AJ-SQUARED-AWAY before you can do anything else
• Continue to treat your mother in the best way you can (when she decided to contact you) & in the mean-time pray to Allah (SWT) for things to get better!

Get all distractions out of your mind; there are things:

• You can Fix
• You can’t fix! No point in worrying about them.


Get your mental side in order ASAP, everything else will fall in place.

Keep your head-cool & your feet on the ground. Allah (SWT) looked after you when you weren't Muslim, Allah (SWT) will not abandon you in this time of need. Don't let Shaytaan (devil) get into your head.

Keep it cool, Keep it real, Keep it safe!

There are lots of emotions swirling around in your head, learn to control them by developing a relationship with your creator i.e. Allah (SWT).

Lastly money is not the most important thing in life; I have spent plenty of nights in US on the streets, cold and hungry! Your faith & your love is most important, Allah (SWT) will provide for your needs.

well now ive married the girl who was my girlfriend, she took shahada the day before. we still live with my father, and we dont have very much money.
i am 18 she is 19. we want to go to school, but we both work.


it might be safe to mention that my mother and father have been divorced since i was like 2 or three and my mother has since remarried to an Indian Muslim and had 3 kids. he did not practice until she had a child with him, and she converted shortly after that. they stopped drink and all that and moved on. i chose to live with my father when i was about 8. when i was about 12 i converted to Islam by choice but did not do much about it because i lived with my dad.my dad later found out i was a Muslim and didn't want to hear anything else about it.
ive told my mother about the situation (she is a Muslim convert)
she seems more upset than she was when she knew we were dating.
her advice when she found out we were dating like a year and a half ago (i think)was for me to dump her. well that wouldn't have been right because my girlfriend had no family that was willing to support her beyond the age of 18.
when she turned 18 my non Muslim father allowed her to live with us. it has been more than a year of her living here. i know we love each other. i wouldn't date her in high school until she promised to agree to marry me. so after a while we were dating and all that.

well i have wised up. we got married and started praying, i have been in contact with the mosque and i am attending jummah regularly.

my main concerns are my mother.
how can i find a way to reconnect with her. she wont answer my emails and she wont talk to me. i have truly disgraced her.

the thing is i married to please allah, and make my relationship halal.
from the advise of the people on this forum, and the advise of the imam.

i didn't tell her that my girlfriend was living with me, but i never told her we had broke up or anything like that. now she is so shocked to find out i married her.and angry.

she accuses me of wiping my slate clean and dumping all the burden on her.
she is worried about what the Muslim community would think about this, and what her husband who i never got along with will think.

she accuses me of manipulating my wife into Islam, and away from her family which isn't true. and whenever she addresses my girlfriend to me its always "if" she is serious...

should i just wait it out?
try my best to strengthen my iman, and our relationship. so that one day i can prove my intentions to her?
or should i continue dialog (which she now ignores)?

second question.

my wife is not comfortable wearing hijab around my fathers house or at work

we have no Muslims friends, and the nearest mosque is 2 cities away.

she has a scholarship for any college in Florida(we live in Florida)and as it stands now, i am going to community college locally.

we have been thinking about moving to Tampa because there are good colleges nearby, and there is a substantial Muslim community there.

we have little/no savings, seeing as we pay my father a lot of rent.

but i have a truck and she has a car. i was thinking about selling my truck, and using that as a deposit and first few months rent. and insha allah we could share her car while going to school. there is a bus system.

this is really scary for me but i want to join a Muslim community. we don't have good jobs here and it will be nearly impossible to save up any money living in the situation we are in.we pay as much rent as we would for an apartment. and we both pay insurance on our vehicles, and gas, and we buy food and all that. my father does not pay for my school.

i want to give my wife the freedom to wear hijab, and find Muslim sisters she can relate to.

i also fear that i will not be able to support us and go to school.
and i would not allow my wife to waste her scholarship
this would further upset my mother because she really wants me to get a degree. and seeing that she doesn't recognize my wife, she doesn't care about her scholarship or education.

i just don't know where to go or what to do.

i just got a better job here but i would not be able to transfer for six months. i don't want to make my wife have to wait that long. and personally i dont wanna wait that long.


lastly, given our age, how do you guys think the Muslim community would react to our situation... i mean i can say we are new Muslims and that we are married. but wouldn't it be strange to them ? we are too young to relate to the older married couples and we are married so it would be hard for us to relate to the people our age.

im so confused. i just want to fix everything now. but i cant make everything right because i spent so much time throwing all the pieces to different corners of the world

 

[Aapa]

Salaam,

Young man listen to the advise of the older brother. Chill. Reading your post made me dizzy. Slow down.

Your mother will come around. Give her time. She has not rejected you; she is upset with the situation. Give her a moment to digest her emotions.

Take your wife for a long walk, look into her eyes and tell her you are so glad you have a partner in life. Be silent with your wife and enjoy the springtime stars. Enjoy the moment.

InshaAllah, it will be better tomorrow.

 

[Mrmuslim]

salaam alikom

No advise from my side just I Ask Allah s.w.t make it easy on you and your family and pay attention to what brother Glopalpeace said.

Remember that the prophet peace be up on him said (in the meaning of the hadith) the prophet peace be up on him was sitting one day and there was a rock or stone close to him so he peace be up on him said

"if the difficulty entered from this rock, the relief will come till kick the difficulty out"

Allah Said, in Quran

[5]So, verily, with every difficulty, there is relief:

[6] Verily, with every difficulty there is relief.

[7] Therefore, when thou art free (from thine immediate task), still labour hard,
[8] And to thy Lord turn (all) thy attention

 

[somewhatinspired]

attempting to chill

1.

2.

3.

ok chilled..


i guess i just wanted to fit everything into one post.

really not as freaked out as it may seem.

i just feel like i cant get ahead where i am, spending all my money to drive to the mosque and back. we don't eat halal meat, and my wife is depressed because she doesn't have any good friends here who even want to understand whats going on. im content with few friends, but i have always been like that. the few friends i have are understanding.

i want to get involved and take classes and listen to lectures.
i want to be on my own so my mom cant say that im lying to her.
it would help to be around other Muslims students, regardless of what they think of my marriage. because as it is all my friends are just avoiding college, and living off their parents. i want to be a good example of a Muslim so i can help bring others like to Islam. but i just feel like this isn't the place.

my wife and i were together for a long time before we married so not much is different, other than we just don't feel horribly guilty about everything.

i feel like its time to move on.

i guess i would like to know if i should just do it or not. i mean i cant see myself being able to save up much money, and selling my truck wouldn't be so bad as i would get good exercise from walking and its Florida so it isn't like i will freeze or get snowed in. as long as i had a few months rent secured, i think we could do it insha Allah.
i dont watch tv or need much more than internet, and im sure my father would let me bring this computer...

i dunno let me know what you think




and my mother is just royally pissed off.
insha allah she will accept everything.

 

[Al-Kashmiri]

And whosoever fears Allâh and keeps his duty to Him, He will make a way for him to get out (from every difficulty). And He will provide him from (sources) he never could imagine. And whosoever puts his trust in Allâh, then He will suffice him. Verily, Allâh will accomplish his purpose. Indeed Allâh has set a measure for all things. (At-Talaq 65:2-3)​

 

[ShyHijabi]

Salaam brother,

Firstly, Globalpeace gave you some excellent advice. Also...are you attending college presently? When I first began college I had to work two jobs to get enough money to buy a used car...it took me about 6 months. You may want to look into gettting a temporary second job to put some money away on savings.

The beginning of marriage can be challenging, especially when money is tight. But Inshallah, things will become easier over time. I also had no access to halal meat when I first started medical school (in the Carribean) and ate lots of protein sustitutes such as beans and tofu in the meantime.

Please feel free to PM me if your wife needs to talk to a fellow convert Muslimah. I would be more than happy to provide her with an ear and maybe be able to ease her way a bit more.

I felt incrediably isolated at first when I converted, as most other Muslims here were from tight knit families and mine disowned me upon conversion. Wasalaam.

~Sarah

 

[Bluegazer]

Assalamu Alaikum brother somewhatinspired,


First of all, I hope it all works out in your marriage. I also hope that you could mend any ill feelings your mother has.


The advise brother Globalpeace has given is important.


A couple of things I'd like to say:


1- You wrote the following comment:

and my mother is just royally pissed off.

Allah the Almighty ordered us to be kind to our parents even if they were not Muslims. So, imagine the obligation when they are Muslims (as your mother is a Muslim).


Therefore, it's disrespectful to say that your mother was "pissed off". Use other phrases such as "really upset"....etc.


I realise that in the U.S. and other Western countries, much of what was deemed as strong or bad language has become part of the ordinary vocabulary of many well meaning people. I'm guessing that's also the case with you. Still, it's no excuse to use such phrases when speaking about your mother.


2- You wrote the following in your first post on this thread:

we are too young to relate to the older married couples and we are married so it would be hard for us to relate to the people our age.

To get a smile on your face, and to hopefully learn a few things that might help, please view the following video of Baba Ali. It may not really relate to your specific problems, but I feel you'll feel better just by watching it.

[yt]wsYOI1pDssI[/yt]



Take care of yourself brother. I wish you all happiness in your marriage, all happiness in a good and warm relationship with your mother and that your father will become a Muslim.



Best regards,

Bluegazer

Wassalamu Alaikum

 

[somewhatinspired]

kinda

i attend community college, and its summer now. im kinda trying to figure all this out before next semester because i want to know if i should register at the community college here, or in Tampa.

well im registered here but.you know what i mean i am sure

and as for the language, i wouldn't consider what i said disrespectful.
i merely intended to portray the seriousness and depth of her anger.
it wouldn't offend her at all. its an American thing i guess.

do you guys think it would be a bad idea to sell my truck and share one car?
ive never attended a university so i don't know how difficult it would be to get around. worst case scenario i could get a bike for myself which would probably prove to be a good idea anyway considering the price of gas.
.....some big shot husband i will be riding my bike to school..heh

i dunno i look at it like this, my wife has a scholarship good for 75 percent tuition, and i qualify for decent financial aid.
we seem to be wasting our time where we are (faith wise)
and my wife is not comfortable living where we live.
she doesnt say much about it but i know its bothering her, she comes home from work and slaps on a hijab to make up prayers, and she isn't comfortable wearing it around my father..
its probably wrong, but i encourage her not to.
.to him it would be just way to weird. and they already think i forced her to be Muslim. and they think my mom forced me to be a Muslim. and they think her husband forced her to be a muslim. thats the reasoning they have. i mean i would never ever stop my wife from wearin hijab all day long. but i know it would cause total anarchy and social unrest in my house.
i mean he know we are Muslim, and he knows we are together permanently. he found my Quran and books and stuff when i was a kid and he let me keep them without blinking. but to him thats where it needs to stay..in a closet in my room so to speak. i will leave my room door open because i have a lovebird who likes to sing and needs circulating air. and he will see my quran on the nightstand and close the door so no one will see.( not that anyone would see it)

he always trys to say things like i just want you to be Christian for tradition.
or he will say stuff like i hope you teach your kids to be Christian, will you do that for me?
hes got that not in my house mentality. holidays are horrible. because we are immediately blamed for any problems that occur on Christmas, or easter or whatever.
we are the cause of all the pain that Jesus suffered..its insane.we are always the ones not harboring the spirit of this or the happiness of that.
im tired of why cant you just be Christian. what have i done wrong to misguide you?


stuff that just doesn't make sense,

even though i try to say that i am happy for the way i was raised. because they led me one way or another to be a person that would accept the truth.and submit to god, in his truest form. which is just that god alone.

and when i dig deeper about his beliefs he just says stuff like all i know is im going to heaven because i never hurt anyone.
he is just really hard(emotionally) to be around.the worst part though is the rest of my family.my older half sister, is always trying to tell my wife to stand with her breasts out and wear her clothes like this or that, or tries to give her last seasons apparel, stuff my wife would never be caught dead in.she acts like my wife is so oppressed and confused. and that i am some manipulative monster. my father hates my mom, and feels guilty for never supporting his daughters. so he never defends me..ever. considering they just think that my belief is an attempt to connect to the mother i never had around or whatever.

sorry back to the subject.

she feels horrible for praying all day and not wearing hijab i am sure.

but she is really scared to move because my home was the first and only safe and stable place she has ever lived. we have always known that my father would have to help at least me and along with me came her.

but i think allah will provide for us if we just get up and go.

you guys tell me to be patient.

but when i wasn't practicing thats what i told myself...just be patient. you will come around..but i didn't come around until i made it happen.

the only difference is now i have a wife.
honestly i have considered her a wife from the beginning(thats just how i am)
(probably sue to my internal belief and fascination with Islam)

and she is not being given the resources she has the right as a Muslim to have.

i want to one day be able to travel and learn Arabic fluently.
but i wont be able to do so without education.

im just worried that somehow over all this time, i swindled myself out of that opportunity.

insha Allah that isn't true,

 

[Globalpeace]

Muslims in Florida!

W-Salam,

Don't worry dude! You are a fellow Floridian so I like you.

I grew up in Florida and all my family still lives there.

As I said that things will work themselves out, just be patient.

Tampa?

If you want to get in touch with Muslims and organisations in Florida; PM me. Insha'Allah...I am sure that we can figure something out.

i attend community college, and its summer now. im kinda trying to figure all this out before next semester because i want to know if i should register at the community college here, or in Tampa.

well im registered here but.you know what i mean i am sure

and as for the language, i wouldn't consider what i said disrespectful.
i merely intended to portray the seriousness and depth of her anger.
it wouldn't offend her at all. its an American thing i guess.

do you guys think it would be a bad idea to sell my truck and share one car?
ive never attended a university so i don't know how difficult it would be to get around. worst case scenario i could get a bike for myself which would probably prove to be a good idea anyway considering the price of gas.
.....some big shot husband i will be riding my bike to school..heh

i dunno i look at it like this, my wife has a scholarship good for 75 percent tuition, and i qualify for decent financial aid.
we seem to be wasting our time where we are (faith wise)
and my wife is not comfortable living where we live.
she doesnt say much about it but i know its bothering her, she comes home from work and slaps on a hijab to make up prayers, and she isn't comfortable wearing it around my father..
its probably wrong, but i encourage her not to.
.to him it would be just way to weird. and they already think i forced her to be Muslim. and they think my mom forced me to be a Muslim. and they think her husband forced her to be a muslim. thats the reasoning they have. i mean i would never ever stop my wife from wearin hijab all day long. but i know it would cause total anarchy and social unrest in my house.
i mean he know we are Muslim, and he knows we are together permanently. he found my Quran and books and stuff when i was a kid and he let me keep them without blinking. but to him thats where it needs to stay..in a closet in my room so to speak. i will leave my room door open because i have a lovebird who likes to sing and needs circulating air. and he will see my quran on the nightstand and close the door so no one will see.( not that anyone would see it)

he always trys to say things like i just want you to be Christian for tradition.
or he will say stuff like i hope you teach your kids to be Christian, will you do that for me?
hes got that not in my house mentality. holidays are horrible. because we are immediately blamed for any problems that occur on Christmas, or easter or whatever.
we are the cause of all the pain that Jesus suffered..its insane.we are always the ones not harboring the spirit of this or the happiness of that.
im tired of why cant you just be Christian. what have i done wrong to misguide you?


stuff that just doesn't make sense,

even though i try to say that i am happy for the way i was raised. because they led me one way or another to be a person that would accept the truth.and submit to god, in his truest form. which is just that god alone.

and when i dig deeper about his beliefs he just says stuff like all i know is im going to heaven because i never hurt anyone.
he is just really hard(emotionally) to be around.the worst part though is the rest of my family.my older half sister, is always trying to tell my wife to stand with her breasts out and wear her clothes like this or that, or tries to give her last seasons apparel, stuff my wife would never be caught dead in.she acts like my wife is so oppressed and confused. and that i am some manipulative monster. my father hates my mom, and feels guilty for never supporting his daughters. so he never defends me..ever. considering they just think that my belief is an attempt to connect to the mother i never had around or whatever.

sorry back to the subject.

she feels horrible for praying all day and not wearing hijab i am sure.

but she is really scared to move because my home was the first and only safe and stable place she has ever lived. we have always known that my father would have to help at least me and along with me came her.

but i think allah will provide for us if we just get up and go.

you guys tell me to be patient.

but when i wasn't practicing thats what i told myself...just be patient. you will come around..but i didn't come around until i made it happen.

the only difference is now i have a wife.
honestly i have considered her a wife from the beginning(thats just how i am)
(probably sue to my internal belief and fascination with Islam)

and she is not being given the resources she has the right as a Muslim to have.

i want to one day be able to travel and learn Arabic fluently.
but i wont be able to do so without education.

im just worried that somehow over all this time, i swindled myself out of that opportunity.

insha Allah that isn't true,