Been in love for a year now...

Discussion in 'Islamic Discussion' started by Kittyn, Feb 7, 2012.

  1. Kittyn
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    Kittyn New Member

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    I've been in love with a catholic boy for a little over a year now. We graduated together and now we're starting college. I'm turning 20 this year.
    In islam, to prevent fornication shouldn't two people who want to get married, be married as soon as possible?

    He wants to convert to marry me, but I've told him that he can't just convert for me and he has to believe in the muslim life style. He gets it. I've already spoken with him and showed him the beauty and higher understanding of our religion and he sees it. This is good.

    This is just really hard because I'm so sure that this is who I want to marry, and at the speed my parents are grasping that fact I'm afraid that I would have committed fornication already just by being with him or spending time with him. They already have a hunch, but I feel like I should actually sit down and talk to both of them about it. I'm just nervous about my father because there was a proposed marriage to me in the past from a boy born into Islam but I said no. I'm nervous because my father sees that boy as more favorable... I don't want to hear, "You're too young, there is plenty of time, or what is the rush?" I am ready for marriage.

    I want to please Allah, and I want to stay chaste and I want my husband to be a muslim. My parents have told me that I can get engaged after high school to anyone I want, but I can't get married until I finish some sort of education. I know they're just trying to protect me from financial crunches and they don't want me to regret a decision made in haste.

    I'm just thinking that using this time would be good for him to learn more and be prepared to convert and do all that a good muslim man does. I know that he's with me on this. And he has said to me that his religion doesn't make sense to him and the more that I talk to him about Islam the more he agrees.

    I don't want anymore guilt above my head from being with him as two namahram. This is my main cause.
    I feel guilt for being in love. I love him.
    What do I do?
  2. Aapa
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    Aapa Mirajmom

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    Assalaam walaikum,

    You need to remember a few things. You are a Muslim girl. You can not spend time with this young man. It is wrong.

    The main reason a Muslim girl is not allowed to marry a non-believer is simple. A non-believer does not put Allah first. He will serve others. How can he protect a Muslim woman.

    You need to stop. I can not put it in any other words. You need to stop. You are being unfair to your parents, the young man and yourself.

    You are a Muslim.
  3. Sister Zohra
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    Sister Zohra Junior Member

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    Assalamu Alaikum,

    Sister. You shouldn't feel guilt for being in love. Allah forgives us for what we keep in our hearts. But, if you are spending time with this non-mahram, then that you should feel guilt for.

    If I understood right, he is starting to see Islam as the truth. That's great. But that doesn't give you an excuse to be "with" him. If he's interested in Islam, he can easily go look for information himself. If he wants to convert, he should take the initiative. Then, Insha'Allah, he can ask your parents for your hand in marriage as a Muslim and what happens, happens. But until then, you shouldn't be having anything more to do with him.
  4. Just a Guy
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    Just a Guy Reinventing Myself

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    :salam2:

    He has to convert because it's the right thing to do. He can't convert just to marry you and expect that everything will be OK.

    This is like all of those people who kept telling me that I wasn't doing enough learning about Islam. They told me that I needed to do more learning. So I listened. I learned quickly, and I learned well... but I learned too much too soon. I became tired, and burnt out, and frustrated, and then I became angry. Then I quit Islam for a time.

    My point (if anyone is wondering) is that I listened to them instead of following what was in my own head and taking my time with it. This guy.. he has to understand that Islam is the truth. He has to convert for the right reasons, and not just because he wants a Muslim girl.
  5. Murad206
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    Murad206 La ilaha illa-Allah.

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    Assalamu alaikum, don't do it. Find a Muslim who's knowledgeable about Islam and can help you, and help in your deen even more. But if you really wan't I guess go ahead.
  6. Mabsoot
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    Mabsoot Amir Staff Member

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    Wa alaykum salam,

    You should move on because Islam forbids such marriages. Your husband is meant to be helping to lead the family unit, to raise his children upon Islamic teachings. If he converts just to marry you, it only means he places the Love of you above that of Allah. It means he fears losing you.. more than he fears losing Allah. - This is the opposite to the true love. Remember, a successful loving marriage is a gift from Allah, so follow what Islam teaches to achieve that blessing.
  7. a_stranger
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    :salam2:

    Dear young sister, if you love that boy and stop meeting him for the sake of Allah subhanahu wa taaala then you will be rewarded InshaAllah. I think you should stop meeting him because this is haram, then let him decide for himself , if he become a muslem then he can come and ask your parents to marry you. Love of Allah our creator should come first in our hearts.
  8. Precious Star
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    We are all meant to cross paths with people for a reason. It seems to me that this man is starting to understand the beauty behind Islam. It doesn't sound like his interest is merely fleeting and superficial.

    You are still young. 19 years old is a baby! You have just finished high school.

    Anyway, why don't you let things be for now? Ask your father/brother/good friend to befriend him so he becomes more aware of Islam, Islamic values, etc, so that when the time is right, he can embrace Islam and you can have your nikkah. He should not be abandoned -- this sounds like someone who may very well embrace Islam rather than "merely convert". Let's bring him over. Again, ask your family and trusted friends to do gentle dawah. If he's destined to be your husband, then Allah SWT will bring the two of you together, and in the meantime this man will respect the fact that you cannot be alone with him.

    Someday, you may decide that you wish to marry someone else. Don't convince y ourself that "he is the one" - you are too young to make that assessment. You may be happily married to someone else some day, but nonetheless this person may become part of the muslim Ummah. There are only blessings in that.
  9. strive-may-i
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    strive-may-i Junior Member

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    That guilt you feel for being in love, is just the whispering... Put a break, take that thought out, its just superficial.
    The Guilt you would feel, years later if it proves the sincerity towards Almighty is different, situation would be more difficult to manage... There are far too many real examples

    A better one would be around the corner, Almighty will guide you. Choose your priority now and STOP, before its too late

    Okay, enough of we saying it...
    Sister, What have you thought about it, we would like to hear from you...
  10. Idris16
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    Idris16 Junior Member

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    Ditch him.
  11. Kittyn
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    Kittyn New Member

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    I understand all that you are saying. I do feel guilt for committing such sins. All of this thinking has me considering a change my life.

    But I can't just give him up, for my own reasons. I won't. Because yes if this doesn't work out, and of course there is always a chance of it happening if it is Gods will, then at least I would have tried to show someone how true our religion is in efforts to please God. I'm glad that some of you can see that he is trying. We have decided together that the moment he converts we must change the way we do things, like having a mahram with me anytime we see each other, and not touching each other at all until the moment we are married etc. He understands why as well.

    When talking about the differences of our religions I pointed out somethings to him about his religion such as asking saints and prophets, peace be upon them all, for help and thanking them instead of God, and some of the rituals that, compared to Islam, are unnecessary and irrelevant to praising Him, as well as all the pictures and plaster statues etc...
    I have told him that all of this isn't needed in our religion. And about why we should do what God says even though we can't comprehend the reason why, because He is all knowing and he knows what is best for us.

    He has even tried to follow along with me with reciting suras and has also asked me to lend him the book that helped my mother convert for my father (Alhamdullillah!)
    Little by little he is educating him self. And yes it is important not to burn him out or scare him away. If I want him to be my husband, I know he must have the strongest foundation. I want him to see that it's not just for me, not just because he loves me, but for God, for his soul. I don't remember how many times I feel a pity when I see all of the nonbelievers all around me.

    I am planning to schedule a meeting for him and our local sheikh and a few other brothers in the Summer...

    On a side note: This has turned into a sort of novella :)

    Thank you all.
  12. Sister Zohra
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    Sister Zohra Junior Member

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    Assalamu Alaikum,

    So you're going to wait until he converts to change the way you guys hang out?
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  13. kashif_nazeer
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    kashif_nazeer ~~~Alhamdulillah~~~

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    :salam2:

    Sister,perform istikhara and do not hang out with a non mahram of opposite gender,refer him to a brother for dawah purpose.
    Remember on top of this,if anything happens,walyadhubillah:
    The Muslim’s faith is not complete unless he knows that whatever befalls him could not have missed him, and whatever misses him could not have befallen him. Everything is subject to the will and decree of Allaah

    “No calamity befalls on the earth or in yourselves but it is inscribed in the Book of Decrees (Al Lawh Al Mahfooz) before We bring it into existence. Verily, that is easy for Allaah” [al-Hadeed 57:22]
  14. Aziboy
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    Salam Sister,

    Let him first understand who our Creator is, keeping aside all your emotions and feelings. you guys being young are concentrating much on relationship with each other which as everyone said helds under fornication. Give him some more time, educate yourself to educate him.

    And only if he is through i.e. becomes a true Muslim who follows the Qur'an and the Sunnah then if Allah wills you could get marry.

    Remember, No personal meetings, dirty talkings, touching pls, sorry but this happens to almost everyone who are in love that is why I mentioned it. Please stay away from all this Evil deeds.
    Jazak Allahu Khair
  15. a_stranger
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    :salah:

    Dear remember our life is a trial, we should not make our emotions, desires, lusts come first. Love of Allah subhanahu wa taaala who created us and gave us everything should come first for a true believer .through our life we should hope for Janna fear hell avoid all that make us closer to hell, Allah forbid.
  16. payi
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    payi New Member

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    Sister
    please think about the hereafter, you seem to still be quiet young, you will find a better muslim guy.
    its noot worth just living for this life only.
  17. Kittyn
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    Kittyn New Member

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    Well I don't see a problem with being in public with him or only being in his house when his mother is there.

    And I've already said, I'm not just going to stop communicating with him and I'm not going to just suddenly ditch him. If I didn't want to put God first I would have not even thought about asking him to convert or talked to him so deeply about religion. Because it is important to me.

    I feel like I asked about this for the wrong reason. Thank you all for your advice and help.
  18. Mairo
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    Mairo Maryama

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    Assalamu alaikum,

    I will make dua for you both. May Allah always be our Guide on the Straight Path.
  19. ShahnazZ
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    ShahnazZ Striving2BeAStranger

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    I seriously hope you have a better idea as to how you're going to live the rest of your life as a Muslim because I agree that you asked your question for the wrong reason. I feel that you probably knew the answer the entire time as well as how other Muslims would respond to you. Not sure if you were hoping we would prove you wrong, but Allah's Laws are Allah's Laws. We don't exactly encourage people to go against them.

    Also, I hope you reconsider changing the nature of your relationship after he becomes Muslim to "suddenly conservative and by the books". Not only do the rest of us find it extremely offensive that Islam is being mocked in this sense, but how seriously is this guy going to take you as a Muslim when he sees how hypocritical of an action that is? I apologize if my words seem harsh but it greatly upsets me that Allah's Laws are being treated like a joke and you're only willing to apply them when they're convenient for you. He's not magically going to become you're namahram after he takes the shahada that you suddenly have to take these precautions.

    If you're going to be genuine, be genuine the entire way but for the love of God, don't take this beautiful deen down with you.
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