It pains me to write it but I must.
It will tear me apart to remember all that I made myself forget
But I must....
I had a mother. I had a mother who I hurt so badly.
From the very start she had hopes for me. She would dream dreams for me.
She saw me as the brightest of all her children but from the very start all I thought about was wrong.
I used what I had to make others happy. Those who did not matter but on my mothers heart I walked. Without a second thought taking for granted everything she did.
She had very little but would give it all to us. I know now that she put us in front of her needs every time.
Over other people I would not speak to her.
Over other people I took from her.
Over other people I would keep secrets from her.
Over other people I would side against her using what I knew to hurt her.
Over other people I would backbite her. My beautiful mother who did not deserve a wolf like me.
What excuse do I have or will I give?
Every day a new memory comes. The shame rips me apart and I want to cry.
Oh Allah what can I do or say to make it stop?
What will I do when I am asked about her rights and I did nothing to honor them?
What a hypocrite I feel telling others to be good to their mothers but I was scum to my own.
I can hear her tears, I can smell her smell.
If I could just climb into her lap and sleep there knowing she was happy with me.
I cry as I write this. I cry knowing that the gates of Jannah were open to me and my actions forced them to close on me.
Where will I find a chance like this again?
I shouted at my mother, I lied to my mother, I thought of myself as better. Not knowing the pain she had seen in her own life. Her mother had died when she was just 6.
What must she have thought when she held me as a baby? Did she think that this boy would grow up to bring pain and destruction to her as I did?
If I ask her to forgive me she would such is the love of a mother. Nobody can forgive like a mother. Nobody can overlook faults like a mother.
She would forgive but why did I treat my gift from Allah in this way? What a wretched soul I am.
How I thought myself clever but I was nothing but a fool. The shayateen must have delighted over my actions while the angels must have felt shame.
Time is the greatest healer but these scars run deep. Friends come and go, women come and go but my mother was one and nothing will ever bring back the chance to put right what I made wrong.
How did I ever think that friends could love me as much as you did?
How long did they put up with me before they went back to their own lives but with you I was a part of your life.
Even after all that I did you would call me to see if I was well, if I had eaten, if I was wearing warm clothes.
Did my friends go out and buy things for me putting my needs first like you did?
I remember how happy you would get when you would dress me when I was young ready for Eid.
You gave your life in service to me and expected nothing in return.
I can’t smile without remembering you and when I remember the smile fades and in its place is shame and guilt.
My mother! My life for you, my blood for you, my limbs for you, and my tears .All I ask is that make the pain stop.
The righteous say "Coming to the rights of relatives, it is the right of your mother that you should appreciate that she carried you [in her womb] as nobody carries anybody, and fed you the fruits of her heart which nobody feeds anybody, and protected you [during pregnancy] with her ears, hands, legs, hair, limbs, [in short] with her whole being, gladly, cheerfully and carefully; suffering patiently all the worries, pains, difficulties and sorrows [of pregnancy], till Allah removed you from her and brought you into this world."
"Then she was most happy feeding you, even if she herself had no clothes; giving you milk and water; not caring for her own thirst; keeping you in the shade, even if she had to suffer from the heat of the sun; giving you every comfort with her own hardship; lulling you to sleep while keeping herself awake."
"And [remember that] her womb was your abode, and her lap your refuge, and her breast your feeder, and her whole existence your protection; it was she, not you, who was braving the heat and cold of this world for your safety."
What in my life have I ever done that was as noble as that?
All I did was complain and feel bitter. All I did was eat and sleep while disobeying you one day to the next. When I had money I kept it thinking I would be deprived but when you had you would always give to me. I remember the 10p you would give me at lunch time to buy sweets.
I strive now on the path of The One, The Eternal secretly hoping that you will get a share of any good I might receive.
I pained you in this life all I can do is try to make your next home There will be bricks of gold and silver and the mortar will be of musk and its gravel will be of garnet and pearls and its dust of saffron. I pray that your will be this abode. I pray that I will live next to you so I can spend an eternity washing your feet.
They came and went oh mother but your love was eternal…
:mashallah:
said that "One should not be bitten from the same hole twice". Feeling shameful, guilty and repenting over our actions is a sign of Imaan. And I pray the highest state of Imaan for you Brother. I pray that your Imaan rises to the most elevated of stages and Insha Allah stays there. I pray that your light shine upon many, to bring them to this Divine and True Religion. I pray for you Brother that all the Burdens of your hearts be lifted and that Allah Blesses you with Eternal happiness of this life and the Next Insha Allah. Aameen.
