Confused

Discussion in 'Women, Family, and Marriage' started by Appa BK, Jul 9, 2007.

  1. Appa BK
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    Appa BK Muslimah Light

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    As Salaam Mu Aleykum

    I have a bit of a problem, I got a proposal from a man that I have been waitng to get a proposal from, the only problem is that he is 15yrs older than I am. I am 22 and he is 38. I love him solely for the pleassure of the Almighty and he loves me for the same reason.

    He make his 5 times Salah and he is Haafiz-ul-Quran, Masha'Allah he reads so beautifully, and when he does read its as though my heart falls deeper in love with him. He inspires me to do good and be the best I can be for the love of the Almighty, he is so passionate about Islam and he soeaks about I slam with such passion and enthusiasm that I get so over joyed, tears well up in my eyes...

    Here comes the problem, my parents dont want me to marry him because of his age.... I NEED DESPERATE HELP.....

    :wasalam:
  2. AishaR
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    AishaR Junior Member

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    :salam2:

    I am so happy for you sister but can understand why your parents are concerned. I know some people put a great importance on age but it really does not mean that much. My hubby is 13 years older than me. Age is just a number, there are more important things to take into consideration when looking to get married. You need to explain to them, the fact he prayers & is pious is very important.

    Good luck!!

    :wasalam:
    Sis Aisha
  3. mohaed khamis
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    mohaed khamis New Member

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    assalamu alaiki sister noorah
    i just read about your problem and i really think what sister aisha and brother aiman said is more than enough but i only want to add one thing ........you need to do estikharaha prayer first, then see if your heart still feels like you want to marry this man, if it's still does then you wait and see if the marriage process is getting smoother between you two for example if the guy still wants to marry you and your parents approve of the marriage and all the financial problems are solved then Allah has approved of your marriage........ BUT no matter what decission you make or action you take you have to get the approval from you parents for it.
    i pray that Allah help you do the right thing
  4. mohaed khamis
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    mohaed khamis New Member

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    assalamu alaiki sister noorah
    i just read the issue you raised in your post and i really think what sister aisha and brother aiman said is good enough but i only want to add one more important thing ........you need to do estikharaha prayer first, then look deep in your heart and see if you still want to marry this man, and then wait and see if the marriage process is getting smoother between you two, for example if the guy still wants to marry you and your parents approve of the marriage and all the financial problems are solved then you can go on with the marriage because that means that Allah wants to show you that he has approved of the marriage........ BUT no matter what decission you make or action you take you have to get the approval from your parents for it.
    i pray that Allah help you do the right thing
  5. mohaed khamis
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    mohaed khamis New Member

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    assalamu aliaki sister noorah
    i just read the issue you have raised in you post, and i really think what sister aisha and brother aiman have said was good enough, but i just need to add one more important thing. you need to do estikhara prayer :salah: and then take a little journey through your heart and try to see if your heart still accepts this man as your future husband then see if the marriage process is getting smoother, for example if the man still wants to marry you, all the financial problems get sorted out, all the othe brriers are smoothly removed and most importantly if your parents approve of the marriage then you can go on with the marriage because that means Allah wants to show you that he wants this marriage to take place. otherwise you shouldn't marry this man.
    however no matter what decission you make or what action you take you need to get the approval for it from your parents.
    i pray that Allah guids you to do the right thing wasslamu alaiki warahmat allahi wabarakatuh
  6. omar162
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    omar162 Junior Member

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    Salaam,

    Dear sister in Islam, I think you're an adult and it seems like this brother is a good Muslim and you like him for the pleasure of Allah, so I don't understand your parent's problem. If you like him for the sake of Allah and he is a good Muslim, marry him - and try to convince your parents by showing them how prejudice they are being against this wonderful brother because of his age. Islam forbids just prejudices, and that is why Allah will judge us on the of judgment, not who we married, how much money we made, or how many children we had, or how much respect we had, but rather how much we pleased Allah.

    I hope this helps, and I ask Allah to make your parents understand this. Also, make sure you make Istakhara as it will tremendously help you with your decision.

    Salaam,
    Your brother in Islam
  7. IslamIsLight
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    IslamIsLight Islam is my life Staff Member

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    assalamu aleikum sister.
    I'm very happy for u.
    I'm the same age as u ,22 and I got offer for marriage from the man who is 33
    I think its great to have person who is older then u,who can teach u religion espessialy ,who knows more about life then u do. I pray that your parents will aprove it.Anyway if its in your destiny u will be with this man ,no matter what,and all the obstacles will dissapear in your way.As brother said u have to do istikhara first and put all your trust in Allah.Inshaallah your parents will accept it.may Allah help u...
    wasalam
  8. jabba
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    jabba Salafi Dawah is the best

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    Salam Alaikum

    First of all I agree with what Ayman and Aisha posted

    It's great that this guy is religious and inspires you to be a better Muslim.

    inshAllah you will be spending the rest of your life with this man, that being said make sure you have things in common, do you have certain goals in life? make sure he has the same goals or at least will support you in your goals. Talk about how he would like the future to be and compare that with what you would like. Of course you don't have to agree on everything, marriage is about making compromises for eachother. Also will he be able to fully support you and any future kids (not meaning he has to be rich) but he should be able to take care of his family even if you do or do not choose to work.
    Wish you all the best!
    fiaminAllah
  9. TheKnowledgeSeeker
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    TheKnowledgeSeeker A Believer In Heart

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    assalamu alaykum

    Congradulation first. If what you say is right in islam you don't need your parents to let you marry him. You can in fact marry him. In islam it has been said that if you want to marry good islam and your parents don't like him cos of age or money you can marry cos you have to permisse of Allah. Wish you the best.
  10. Globalpeace
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    Globalpeace Banned

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    THINK, THINK & THINK

    W-Salam Sister,

    This is going to be harsh, but straight from the heart!

    This is a significant age difference.

    No disrespect intended...

    Are you thinking rationally and think that you can LIVE with this person for the rest of your life? Are you two compatible in other ways?

    Sister! I see marriages breaking-down all the time. THINK very hard, THINK very laterally, THINK very carefully!

    Don’t let your emotions TAKE over!

    Sister! Kuff (compatibility) is a serious factor in marriage!

    No one can make the decision for you

    But you will be spending the rest of your life with him.

    I am NOT in anyway trying to dissuade or discourage you from an action, BUT make sure that you have thought this through!

    Once you have considered all the factors:

    • do Shura (consultation)
    • do Istikhara
    • Place your trust into Allah (SWT) completely

    All three above will help you in your married life (whether you go for him or not)

    Remember the golden rules about husbands which are usually true:

    • If a woman marries someone younger, he will be spontaneous and energetic

    • If a women marries someone older, he will take care of you & pamper you and cherish you

    So neither one is bad, really....BUT Think it through!

    P.S: Why is he 38 and not married? Is he divorced? Are you going to be his 2nd wife?

    P.P.S: Your last statement is an assumption, you can't tell WHY he loves you, only Allah (SWT) knows and if you two are so close that you can guage that then you have already fallen for him!


  11. wannabe_muttaqi
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    wannabe_muttaqi A MUSLIM BROTHER

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    ASAK sister,
    In my humble opinion i completely agree with brother global peace. When i readd your post the first question that came to my mind is that why isn't he married with all these qualities. So i would suggest you to do Isthikhara and then proceed. Also Doing consultation always keeps you on a safe side.

    I'm sorry if i'm bit harsh but as i said this is my honest and humble opinion.

    May ALLAH SWT make it easy for you.

    JAK
  12. Appa BK
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    Appa BK Muslimah Light

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    Jazaka'Allah for all your replies, brothers and sisters.

    Brother GP you have raised a significant question, he was married before and through incompatibility the marriage broke down, in the same breath I too was married before at the age of 17 and got divorced when I was 21.

    I have read Istikharaah for two weeks staright and my heart tells me the same thing, in fact the want to get married to him, grows stronger.

    My parents are dead against the unoin. I have consulted with the elders of my family namely my grandfather and his brothers and they all agree that he is a good man, from a good and respectable family.

    I have consulted with my brother and my brother who is only slightly younger than him, spent some time with the prospective husband, and he has come to the conclusion that this man loves me for my character and my Islamic ways.

    My only problem now is that I cannot proceed withou the blessings of my parents, as my previous marriage, I was to stubborn, arrogant and naive to seek there blessing and I was so miserable being married, and I dont want the same thing to happen.

    My parents also have an issue with the fact that we are from two different cultures.
    The thing is that him and I have spoken about this, I understand his culture and he understands mine and I firmly believe that as long as we have a common basis of Islam, the rest will follow.

    If Insh'ALLAH I do marry him I will marry him for the pleasure of Allah (SWT).

    also (LAST POINT) he is more than capable to support me and Insh'ALLAH our children, if I choose not to work.

    Brothers and Sisters I am so sorry that I am droning on and on about this, its just that my heart feels happy and terribly sad at the same time.

    Jazak'Allah again for all your imput as I am so gratefull for it

    Ma'aslama
  13. virtualeye
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    AssalaamuAlaikum WRWB,

    May Allah SWT bless you sister, that you choose the scale of piety in choosing your partner. May Allah SWT pass you on Judgment day without question.

    But please keep in mind that your need to marriage that person should not be because of his physical attraction or other reason except piety

    Secondly, try to find out if you are fantasizing about his good character or is he really like that. I mean, some people get married thinking that the other person is good, but then after marriage they come to know about many aspects that they dislike and then situation comes to divorce. So be patient and dont be emotional.
    Listen to your parents too.
    Please be kind with your parents and tell them that the life of this world is very temporary. So better tell them that the people will be younger in Jannah, in which the life is forever. But please do not disobey them. Talk to them politely and refresh their memory about real eternal life of Akhirah.

    Wassalaam
  14. Globalpeace
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    Globalpeace Banned

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    Decision Time!

    Asslamo Allaikum Sister,

    VE has said everything what I wanted to say in an eloquent manner.

    It was never my intention to encourage or discourage you from this decision, my intention was to make you think critically!

    If you have considered and pondered over:

    • Age difference
    • Culture difference
    • Parental objection
    • His financial position
    • Your likes and dislikes
    • His liked and dislikes
    • Done Shura (Consultation)
    • Done Istikhara

    Then you are ready to make a decision, Insha’Allah

    Positive or Negative, its up to you.

    If your decision is positive about him, do discuss it with your parents and ALSO consider and think about their objections thoroughly, they have the right and I am sure that they have your best interest in mind.
  15. virtualeye
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    virtualeye Tamed Brother

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    AssalaamuAlaikum,

    "eloquent"????


    I think I had reinstated my comment after reading your previous expert advice. :)


    Wassalaam
  16. happy 2 b muslim
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    happy 2 b muslim Junior Member

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    if he is good for you do it, get married inshallah however talk to your family if they strongly dont want you to you really cant disrespect them so you try your best to tell them your thoughts......
  17. Appa BK
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    Appa BK Muslimah Light

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    As Salaam Mu Aleykum

    Jazaka'Allah to everyone for there posts especially to Brother GP and VE I have taken exceptional heed to your adivce and critiques, it is much appreciated and respected:hijabi:

    Insha'Allah what ever is meant to be will be, and for the moment I can only turn to ALLAH (SWT) for help, guidance and strength.

    :jazaak: again to everyone for the encouragement and support.

    Ma'asalaama
  18. Jannah03
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    Asalaamu alakum uhkti, girlfriend i am a year older than my husband, age is not a factor in marriage. discuss with your parents every positive aspect of this man. I know it seems like now-a-days parents only want us to marry someone who has money, same cultural background, etcetra, but its upon you to show them evidence on how a good man he is and give proof from quran and sunnah about marriage, esp Prophet muhammads marriages. And istikahrah prayer...May Allah chose what is best
  19. Sophie
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    :salam2: Sister, I can not tell you to go against your parents. I am Muslima,I was 42 and my husband had just turned 30 when we got married. Love is love. Age is merely a number. And you are young enough to have children,where I am now 47 and can not give my love children. But that is my case. For you,inshalallah everything will work out for you.:wasalam: :hearts: :tti_sister:
  20. palestine
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    palestine Servant of Allah

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    asalamu Alaikum. Dear sister this is a wonderful man so don't let someone stop u. try to make ur parents understand and if they don't then go ahead and marry. because there are two things that you can refuse your parents from "if they try to force you into marriage or try to make u worship something other than Allah." i can't exactly give you the hadith number. so go ahead....i swear by the one who created me you've got someone who can be your path to paradise. don't let this go. you may never find a guy like this if you listen to your parents now. and really he isn't that old, he is at a wonderful age. Try your best to consult with your parents.....and if they keep refusing then go on with what Allah has planned for you.:hijabi:

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