depressed

[muslimah 2]

salam ,i dnt really write mush on this forum so alot of you may not really know me. i have been a little depressd for a while because of my hubby.We have lovely bright children but since about a year he has become a little different towards them,getting angry and shouting if they dnt pray on time .my eldest is only 14 and he gets really upset with this sudden change. My hubby is always going on about hw hard it is to bring children up in the west and he thinks being strict is the only way forward .He wont even let them speak english at home anymore they have to be speaking only urdu or else he will get very angry .Hehas never laid a fingr on them but it seems like he still manages to hurt them like he stops talikng to thwm ,or shouts .He has even sterted sneaking up on them so he can catch them speaking english .He is making it out like its a sin!he is from india but has been in the west for 20 yrs so i dnt undrestand y hes doing this .The children have started to relly go quiet in front of him incase they dnt speak urdy properly because he gives them a look if they speak it wrongso they really feeling down and its really depressing me so much if ialk to him about this he says its all my fault they going too westernised.He stops talking to me if i stick up fot them so i really need some advice plspls help.Should i leave him coz i relly cant take this every single day ,he has even said the kids r better off without him if i wont let him bring them up properly Idont no what to do ,hes a good father in the sense that he takes them out a lot and spends on us like properly hes kind to me and says he loves me too so im really confused, is there anything i can do pls pls help

 

[Laure]

Its a very delicate situation. You have to be strong sister for you and your kids inshallah ecerthing is going to be ok. Trust Allah swt. I will prayer for you

 

[muslimah 2]

Did you try to talk to him? Its a very delicate situation

yes last night i talked to him and he said fine if thats how you want it then i will stay away from them and not bother them at all .So now i have upset children vecause their dad is ignoring them and not talking to them at all.He has even said he will leave if i wont let him teach them manners!!.but they are good kids and he just wont talk to them gently he has somehow got iy in his head engliosh is only for schooland that is really hard for the children as its obviously their language they were born and btought up in west .It really hurts me .

 

[faaraa]

As long as I understand, he wanna do some thing "Good" but he is attempting to chose a rude way...

I am not matured enough to "Advice" you my respected sister , But I can tell you whatever I would have told to my own sister, if she was ever facing any such stuff......

Sister, from your thread , what I understand is, your husband wants your kids to remain in an Islamic manner and he wants none of your kids to go away from Islam as there are more possibilities for kids to go astray now a days...

But the problem is , your husband did a small tiny mistake by being rude "Unnecessarily" in SOME places...
Sister but you can never blame him for being rude at your kid who is 14 and still not praying !!!
If your kid does not pray at this age, your husband has the right to hit him sister !!!
So as usual, this matter too has got two pages... correct, and wrong

So take it easy my sister... DONT EVER THINK to leave your husband..

Just talk with him, and let him feel that your support is always there with him, and advise him and tell him that you can bring up children as better Muslims with Allah's help.. and learn Islam and implement it always in your life sister...

Last but not least.. Make a lot of Dua and seek the advise of ISLAMIC elders..

By the way, I recommend you to seek the advise of Aunt Aappa from TTI She would approach stuff in a different angle Insha Allah

You are Insha Allah always added in my Dua's

Fee Amanillah

 

[MohammedMaksudul]

:salam2:

Yes, you should first try to make your kids understand the imporance of Salah. But if they do not pray on time or miss it then they should be scolded and sometimes lightly beaten, according to the hadith of Rasul Allah if they cross puberty. 14 is over puberty!

 

[Aapa]

Assalaam walaikum,

Sister,

You know what. I will tell you what. Sometimes husbands are worse than the kids. ( I always kept a fly swatter around for the husband and the kids!!).

He has the right idea but the wrong method. Speaking Urdu at home is not necessarily going to make them good Muslims. Speaking Urdu has nothing to do with being a pious Muslim.

Many immigrants get that Oh my god..my children are not ( insert country name) any more. And I say no kidding. The children do not live there. They live here. It is good to be bilingual. However, the issues your husband is having is cultural.

He is being immature by threatening to leave you; he is being immature because he is making the wedge between the family and himself. He is going to be a lonely man speaking Urdu to himself. Please feel free to let him read what I am writing.

He is wrong in placing the blame on you. Please do not accept his blame. He needs to understand this was his choice in coming here. You have to arrive at a balance. He needs to open his eyes and realize his children have been taught by their mother to make salat at home. He needs to be grateful.

Your children are Muslim. Your children are not in trouble with the law. Your children are respectful to the demands of their father. However, they are young adults and they will pull away from him. He is being unreasonable. He is making them feel guilty.

Next time he threatens to leave..point to the door and tell him to shut it on his way out.

 

[bluesky]

Assalaam walaikum,

Sister,

You know what. I will tell you what. Sometimes husbands are worse than the kids. ( I always kept a fly swatter around for the husband and the kids!!).

He has the right idea but the wrong method. Speaking Urdu at home is not necessarily going to make them good Muslims. Speaking Urdu has nothing to do with being a pious Muslim.

Many immigrants get that Oh my god..my children are not ( insert country name) any more. And I say no kidding. The children do not live there. They live here. It is good to be bilingual. However, the issues your husband is having is cultural.

He is being immature by threatening to leave you; he is being immature because he is making the wedge between the family and himself. He is going to be a lonely man speaking Urdu to himself. Please feel free to let him read what I am writing.

He is wrong in placing the blame on you. Please do not accept his blame. He needs to understand this was his choice in coming here. You have to arrive at a balance. He needs to open his eyes and realize his children have been taught by their mother to make salat at home. He needs to be grateful.

Your children are Muslim. Your children are not in trouble with the law. Your children are respectful to the demands of their father. However, they are young adults and they will pull away from him. He is being unreasonable. He is making them feel guilty.

Next time he threatens to leave..point to the door and tell him to shut it on his way out.

I totally agree with you here sister, it is a hard position to be in, i know i have been where you are with my first husband, his family spoke urdu, and it took a while for him to realise that no matter how much he shouted etc, kids speak english, my ex sister in law once told her son off when he was 4 for speaking english all the time, even when they spoke to him in urdu he replied in english, she said stop talking english and talk our language, his quick reply was i am speaking my language, i did laugh at his responce for such a young age. But he was correct he is and always will be english.
but your children as you said are older, i dont agree with hitting children for reasons like this. have you tried talking to one of his family members about it? maybe they can make him see sence.
Urdu isnt arabic so as the sister above said its nothing to do with islam, but i can understand he maybe worries they wont use urdu and maybe and it does happen loose it. i stuck my heels in and my children only speak english with a little arabic( learnt from my second husband).
i can say though it is a wonderfull thing being able to speak more than one language. Give him time to calm down, and he will hopefully come to terms with it. im english and the thought of me living in another country and my children not being able to speak english would upset me too, so i can see where hes coming from on this isssue.
BUT if he still continues acting like a spoilt child and throwing his dummy out then maybe a little away time will help him come to a compromise.

I dont agree with the sister that said no matter what dont leave him, as children also have rights, and its not fair on them, He chose to come here, he has experience from both cultures, your children also have this right, brute force has never achieved anything from my experience, my children now have no contact with there father, the memories my children have of there father was a bully, and only remember his shouting and demands, he made a rod for his own back. i hope yours doesnt make the same mistake.

If no family member can talk to him, try asking the imman in your local mosque, or a good friend of his,

best of luck sis

your in my prayers

 

[Aapa]

Assalaam walaikum,

I do not think the sisters have advocated that she leave him. We are recommending that she not be depressed nor intimidated with his pouting.

The family is going thorough a situation that is very common for the first generation of immigrants. It is not limited to Muslims. Research has suggested that the second generation becomes uncommunicative bilinguals; they understand the "mother" tongue but rarely speak it. The third generation is totally immersed in the new language. They have few ties to the mother country/culture. There is no blame on anyone.

The husband is beginning to see that there is a cultural rift in the family. He cannot fight that.

And lets be gentle on the Muslim youth. Not all Muslim youth go on dates. That is stereotyping. It is the Muslim youth that make the youtube videos and flood the internet in attempting to learn their faith. You can look at the negatives or you can look at the positives.

Furthermore, using the comparison with the west is illogical. The west is not bad. The political term is a misnomer. Divorce is not a light thing anywhere. Once again you are stereotyping. No-one recommends divorce, however since Allah has allowed it we can not make judgments as to why couples divorce. But, Allah has told us He will provide for the spouses.

 

[Taufeeq salfi]

Salamu alaikum sister, i think he saw something about wrong with other muslims and maybe he thaught about your kids that they should not become like them, and also the culture of west is very weird and ugly so he just want to teach his kids the right way. Sister it may seem you wrong but if you stand for your kids today then in future if your husband gone right then you'll lose the chance of standing for your husband. Think twice about it. You love your kids but keep them in control of you both.

 

[esperanza]

salam ,i dnt really write mush on this forum so alot of you may not really know me. i have been a little depressd for a while because of my hubby.We have lovely bright children but since about a year he has become a little different towards them,getting angry and shouting if they dnt pray on time .my eldest is only 14 and he gets really upset with this sudden change. My hubby is always going on about hw hard it is to bring children up in the west and he thinks being strict is the only way forward .He wont even let them speak english at home anymore they have to be speaking only urdu or else he will get very angry .Hehas never laid a fingr on them but it seems like he still manages to hurt them like he stops talikng to thwm ,or shouts .He has even sterted sneaking up on them so he can catch them speaking english .He is making it out like its a sin!he is from india but has been in the west for 20 yrs so i dnt undrestand y hes doing this .The children have started to relly go quiet in front of him incase they dnt speak urdy properly because he gives them a look if they speak it wrongso they really feeling down and its really depressing me so much if ialk to him about this he says its all my fault they going too westernised.He stops talking to me if i stick up fot them so i really need some advice plspls help.Should i leave him coz i relly cant take this every single day ,he has even said the kids r better off without him if i wont let him bring them up properly Idont no what to do ,hes a good father in the sense that he takes them out a lot and spends on us like properly hes kind to me and says he loves me too so im really confused, is there anything i can do pls pls help

dear sister ,i have read and reread your thread..becasue its a difficult issue
but what stuck out to me is,he is a good father and kind to you ,do you realise how important that is,,,and ican really really understand that deep down he just wants the best for them
it is increasingly hard to bring up children in western environment however good the parents,becasue they will have bad influences all around them,,,,
so the ability to know right and wrong and make correct decisions must be instilled in them in an early age,,,,
about the urdu..one ican see his point that he wants them strong in this language,but of course this should be not to exclude all else..remember they live in english speaking environment,school ,friends,society ,so their english will not suffer...he just does not want them to forget their language

i live in an arab speaking country where some patrents are so determined to let their dchilren excel in english,they will neglect the arabic..this is extreme but i hope you see my point

annd if he suddenly is firm wiht his son who is 14 about prayers,that really is understandable, my husband gets angry wiht my son who is 11 if he forgets,,,,

but of course i feel for your predicaemnt,raisnig children is not such an easy manner any more,and iknow the mother has the bulk of the work,but remember in islam the father is ultimately repsonsible for his family,and any failings will relfect upon him

perhaps you can tell him you understand his concerns,but tell him perhaps there is an easier gentler way to deal wiht the children

i iwsh you well
inshalla

 

[Aapa]

Assalaam walaikum,

I have done extensive research on divorce. I am a certified counselor. I have experience in marriage counseling.

As a counselor I have worked with youth who are having difficulty at home due to cultural and socio-economic issues.

As to the language issues of immigrants. I have knowledge in this field as I have been an ESL instructor and have had many classes and seminars over the years. As a teacher trainer I have developed curriculum.

Thus to all issues I am speaking as an expert in the fields.

 

[JenGiove]

:salam2:

Sister, after I read your post, I found this posted by "Muslim Marriage" on facebook and I thought I'd pass it on to you. I hope it provides some kind of help for you.

Quick Tips for Discussions and Disagreements:

Begin with the intention to resolve the issue. If both spouses have this intention and plan to consult together, it is more likely that there will be a successful resolution.

Remember that it takes two to quarrel. If only one person chooses not to argue, there will be no argument. Generally, the one who is wrong does most of the talking.

Both spouses should not be angry at the same time. If one of the spouses becomes upset, it is best if the other tries to remain calm and collected.

Never yell at each other unless the house is on fire. Of course, house fires do not occur very frequently; yelling should occur at about the same rate.

Never go to sleep with an argument unsettled. This is one of the worst things that can happen in a marriage and should be avoided as much as possible. This allows hurt feelings and thoughts to linger and generally exacerbates the problem.

 

[strive-may-i]

Happens ... Leave him not, Light on them; depress not, impress .... Enlighten!

:salam2:
Hope you are doing better. And having a hope that the family will find a good middle path, that makes the house feel home for every one there! We here wish it...

Go slow in this matter. It happens in many houses. Generation gap is the usual culprit. But in your house its taken a bit of culture turn too I guess.

- Is your mother tongue same. Urdu means from sub-continent, right?
- Yours n kids culture preference v/s dads, how different?
- Do you/kids see a valid case in their dad's way?
- What are parents plans for kids? Whom would they be married to?
- He might be fearing so called - "corrupting life style of west". Whats your say about it?

Some fathers/ mothers can have a mindset - "I know whats right for my kids, I have a control on them, I can make them bend." Some other fathers/mothers are loving their kids and running on guilt trips. Some immigrant parents want to enforce their homelands ways in the new land. Appears its a case of all these three.

It need not become a case for separating and splitting your family. He loves you and kids, am sure its same with you and kids. We are eager to hear from you..

 

[muslimah 2]

:salam2:
Hope you are doing better. And having a hope that the family will find a good middle path, that makes the house feel home for every one there! We here wish it...

Go slow in this matter. It happens in many houses. Generation gap is the usual culprit. But in your house its taken a bit of culture turn too I guess.

- Is your mother tongue same. Urdu means from sub-continent, right?
- Yours n kids culture preference v/s dads, how different?
- Do you/kids see a valid case in their dad's way?
- What are parents plans for kids? Whom would they be married to?
- He might be fearing so called - "corrupting life style of west". Whats your say about it?

Some fathers/ mothers can have a mindset - "I know whats right for my kids, I have a control on them, I can make them bend." Some other fathers/mothers are loving their kids and running on guilt trips. Some immigrant parents want to enforce their homelands ways in the new land. Appears its a case of all these three.

It need not become a case for separating and splitting your family. He loves you and kids, am sure its same with you and kids. We are eager to hear from you..

salam.thanku all for the lovely advice it has really helped me think things through properly.You are right yes it is defo a culture clash we are both from india but i was not brought there although i can speak urdu very well and have always spoke in urdu with kids at home they just always seem to answer back in english and that is what starts him off .Idont want to end up seperating because of this ..i did what aapa said and told him where the door is because he really wasnt listening to me he stormed off only to come back 2 hrs later wanting to talk about it .We have reached a compromise at the moment .Him trying to explain nicely to the children why its good to pray on time ect.He also promised to go a bit gentle on the language issue just pray for me that it last.You guys are right about him being a loving father and husband in all other ways but just this language issue so pls pls remember me in your duas all of you and thanku so much for al;l the lovely advice im glad i can talk about things here :tti_sister: