Assalamu Alykum Warahmatullahe Wabarakathuh dear brothers and sisters in Islam. I feel so down and upset. I've lost my mind, and I can't control myself that I just put my head up against something and moan, I feel hopeless, I've lost someone who's dear to me in my Heart, I've lost something beautiful that I would never be able to live without, and that's Allah Ta Alla. My Eman has just been down lately. I wish I could've been with my Uncle this weekend in Ihtiqaaf (seclusion) and especially on Friday, but my parents would'nt let me go to the masjid. But my Eman just feels low. Like I can't feel happy anymore. I feel like I've lost my purpose in life. I see my brothers and sisters feeling upset and in grief, and I REALLY want to say something encouraging to them, but no words can come from my mouth. I can only put my head down and feel hopeless. I just feel like I'm not commiting as much as I should to Allah Ta Alla (and to me, that means going to the highest points), so I just sob and start hitting my fist on the floor out of despair. But even so, I know that Allah Ta Alla will make things better for me. I just wish I could have that kind of Taqwa that I've had before, a strong bond with Allah Ta Alla, like the way I feel when I feel like I can see my Most Wanted, and the tranquility in my heart (Sakeena). And then, like always, I lose my Eman so much that I hang my head down when I'm doing Salat out of despair and greif, and I just feel so upset. But when I listen to Quran though, I feel closer to my Rabb. And I remember that when I feel sad I remember this one Hadith that this one sister told: And I start to remember that and it makes me lift my head up and feel a bit of hope in my heart, but it's later followed with more hopelessness. One bit of it is because, well, I just feel like I'm also not getting a good impact in my heart from being around Muslim brothers and sisters. Like at school, seeing the sisters in their Hijabs and them talking to their female friends, and then it starts making me feel like that I should have that amount of modesty, like even though I talk to my classmates that are girls, there's no Fitnah involved (like some of them are tomboys, LoL), but I still feel that I should be more "modest," "like them." Although recently I've thought about something and it's that through contemplating about it more and more, I'm starting to see that the sister's aren't as modest as I've thought. Like there are some that are surrounded by "Muslim" boys and who they're talking to her (one of her), and I'm thinking like why are those boys talking to her, and more worse than that, she's conversing with them alot and at times they're laughing with each other. But anyways, there are other examples of when I've seen some Muslim sisters in a Hijab and they're mixing talking a lot with boys and some are even "high five-ing" with them. And then something hits my mind like, "dang no one even would talk to me," meaning that the sisters in Hijabs talk to other boys and have conversations, but when it's to me they start getting all quite. But then afterwards I start thinking, "Astagfirullah. Don't think that way, your sisters in Islam shouldn't be talking to boys at all. Don't feel sad that they don't even speak a word to you. You're supposed to be modest! You know that you shouldn't talk to your sisters in Islam (especially me being the kid I am). They stay quiet around you? That's a good thing! You wear a Kufi to school, you try to be pious and steadfast, THEY obviously see that in you, that's why they don't want to talk to you because seeing you in your Kufi makes them feel more modest into not mixing with you. So be happy, Ya (such and such, my name, "duh"), because Allah Ta Alla has saved you this day." And I know how some of you might think hearing what I said above, and trust me, I'm not bold, I'm not arrogant, I'm not proud and boasting, whenever I say things like this is because I'm telling the truth, the way I feel. And Wallah I don't think myself better than those sisters at school, I feel like I'm worse then them. And whenever I talk on the forums and show my emotions, well, were do I find another place to be comforted and loved besides here? But anyway to proceed, I'm seeing a lot of the sisters being less and less in my eyes than what I use to see them as. Like I use to see them as being examples for me, but after knowing and seeing somethings about them ( one thing, looking too rich, LoL), just make me not feel like as if they make me feel better by seeing them, like I remember before seeing a sister in a Hijab would make my Eman rise at school, and I'd feel like as if Allah Ta Alla has opened a door of his Mercy to me and made my heart feel happy, but now, I feel even worse seeing these sisters. I don't know why. I guess I just don't see the good things in them like I used too (one thing, how modest they are, another thing, them mixing with boys). But I guess all of these stuff are just mood swings though. And like I said before, if anyone feels like I'm an idiot little embicile, then alright, if you feel like I'm a show off and I'm a stupid piece of junk, then make dua to Allah Ta Alla to curse me, like what I think you should do to an arrogant person. But just a note, I look at my intentions myself, and I always fear if I've ever done something with a wrong Niyyah, and I always make Tawbah to Allah Ta Alla for that, even though I haven't ever done anything for the wrong Niyyat after I came back to Islam last year (in May), and yeah, what I'm basically saying is, I always look at my intentions when I do Ebadah, and even if I have the slightest feeling that my heart was going for something else, I make Tawbah to Allah Ta Alla, and no, I don't like showing off to people, I don't like standing up and giving my pledge to do Ihtiqaaf for Allah Ta Alla and have forty people in the room turn their heads at me to see more, nor when I'm at night making dua to Allah Ta Alla and talking to him and being close to him at night at the masjid, and then someone somehow always sees me (even if it's like a few hours after midnight!), and then they tell me in the morning, which makes me feel upset that they saw me. But anyway, like I've said before, if anyone feels like I'm a stupid little show off, good. Imagine punching me in the face and making me bleed if you want to, or that your stoning me to death and that I'm getting burned in Jahanam if you feel that'll make you happy. But I have ONE witness by my side, and that's Allah Ta Alla, because I KNOW that he knows my innocence, and that I'd done nothing wrong but maybe a few mistakes (I'm only 14 too, and trust me, it's hard to practice Islam when you're stopped from practicing the Sunnahs of Rasulallah (SAW) by pressure around you because you're being "too good" and that you need to be a "little good," not striving to be "dead up pious" and follow the footsteps of your Fore Father). And to Allah Ta Alla belongs all praise, for he rules with his extreme Power, Mercy, and Might, and he rules on his throne, Majestic and Beautiful over his Kingdom, and no one deserves the Status such as him, and whosoever does has uttered an enormity in Disbelief.