Assalamu Alykum Warahmatullahe Wabarakaathuh sister Safiyah. Wallahi sister, I feel like I might understand what you are going through, and if I don't, then please forgive me. What I always think about is that Islam and Eman is my privelage from Allah Subhanahu wa ta Alla, not my right. It's an honour for someone to be a Mumin, but it is not forced on anyone. I feel so upset a lot of times, because of how blessed I feel that Allah Subhanahu wa ta Alla had guided me to Islam, and Faith (Iman).
I use to be a boy who would sit around by the wall in the courtyard in kindergarden, because no one would play with me, or let me play with them. I would get bullied by many kids when I was in first grade, and the same thing when throughout in the next yaers, where I would just be left out and unwanted.
Then later on I started being accepted and I was starting to become bad. Starting to like living the "gangsta" life listening to music, getting "fresh" hair cuts, wearing baggy clothes, and having girls talk to you (this was when I wa sin 5th-6th grade).
But even so, I still felt sad and empty. I felt like as if I really NEEDED something. There seemed to be no purpose in life for me, like everything is just to feel pain and one day die. I use to always wish to be dead, and I would always think about just imagining having a bullet stuck through my head.
And then something happened. I started having some doubt in Islam, after I saw this "Jesus Christ" movie, which was tearing me down. I was scared, thinking that what if the religion that I was following wasn't right? How do I know that there is a correct religion out there, but I'm not practicing it? I then made dua to Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla to guide me to the true religion, and that when I found the true religion, then for me to KNOW and UNDERSTAND that it really IS the true religion.
So hen I started searching and I found out about Islamic Tawheeed, that there is only one God, a god who is Supreme, the LORD of everything, and that he is Infallible, and he is Perfect. Whilst in Christianity and all other religions, their beleif is that either Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla has a son, that there exists other "Gods," or that the one that we are supposed to worship is imperfect? Those could NEVER appeal to me. So then for the first time, I started really UNDERSTANDING the truth about life. Allah Subhanhu wa Ta Alla opened my heart, and then I started feeling happy.....
Until I started crumbling in my Eman.........
I guess it's like what brother Napolean said, that the first time he went to Jumah and made Sujood, he felt really at peace and open minded for once, but then afterwards, he started hangin around with the wrong crowd, and doing the wrong things, which destroyed almost everything that he had ginade (meaning that his Eman started to decrease and whither away slowly, and his heart started being closed again, from tasting Eman).
During that time, which I refer to as my sad moments, I started becoming bad. Not praying 5 times a day correctly, not lowering the gaze, not refraining from listening to music, not trying my best to refrain from doing bad things....
I was bad at that time, but little by little I would come back to this stie, and start feeling a bit better. Besides that, I was a sad person at that time, I would think about having a black hooded cloak over my haed, banishing myself away from everybody, or just feeling like wanting to die. That one thing that Ilacked was: Iman. Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla.
After I woukd sit back and think about my situation, I started relizing that which I was lacking, and I would look back at that year when I started practicing Islam. My eyes started to water, because I would remember those times when I would feel at ease, when I would feel SO happy, worshipping Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla. I relized what had made me lose all that was, because I had let myself slip, and I wasn't careful enough in distancing away from the Haraam as I should have.
I would cry and cry for days or Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alal to frgive me, and make me a better person. I would try to get better and better, but I would just be unsuccessful.
Until a time came when I knew that Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla had accepted my dua. In sajdah, my face and prayer rug soaking wet from my tears that I shed, begging for Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla to forgive me, and make me to be a better Muslim. After that dua, I started to feel something strange. I would actually be able to STOP myself from sinning, no matter how hard the Wasawasa was. My taqwa started to increase SO mch, that whhenever I felt that I had accidentally done somethnig wrong,m without relizing it till after it was done, I would ask Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla to forgive me.
My heart started opening, and I started to feel the FULL effects of Faith, of Eman in Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla, that I started distancing myself away from bad things. During that time when I was trying to be good, it was around spring time to sumemrtime. For some reason, girls in my class started to feel unuasually attracted to me ()even though they had boyfieds too, and would try in a lot of ways to flirt with me, by sitting next to me, smiling to me, or trying to touch me (warpping thier arms around stomach).
But I would walk away from them, and push them away from me (when they woukl come next to me). When there was some yonug female wearing tigh tclothes, or having make up all over her face, I would look EXTREMELY far away (pretty much at the pigeons out the window), or at the ceiling when I'm waljing in the hallways.
There was a great reason why I would do that actually: Because Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla had opneed up my haert to Iman, to Faith. (and understand brothers and sisters) Whenver Allah Subhanahu wa ta Alla guides you to Islam, to Faith, Eman; your heart and mind starts to open up. Your eyes feel like as if there's a light shining right when you look uo, because you know understand things that you never did before,
After Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla had opened my heart to the CORE of Islam, to the CORE of Eman, I had tasted two things in my life. The bitterness of sin and evil, and then the sweetness of True Faith (which is that you try to increase in Piety and flee from commiting sins, and those things thatt promote sins). And even today, I would just start crying, like tears would leak out from my eyes, from remembering who I was before, and then just thinking about how Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla changed me, and made me a better person. Wallahi, ut would just blow my mind away.
That is why no matter what, I feel that Love in my heat to Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla. Because he had guided me and given me the best gift that I could have ever dreamed of: and that was himself. That is why I would just do good deeds and try to increase in them constantly, because I felt that I am eternally indebted to Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla, because he has blessed me with this greatest gift, and that is, not only Islam, but Iman. And not only Eman, but the highest levels of Eman, that I would just look at my reflection during Ramadan through the car window (I'm talking about the Ramadan that started in September, this yaer) and I would just see light in my face, something strange, but beautiful in my eyes, in my face, in my smile that I had never seen before.
And I remember this saying I heard from somebody, that the person who Islam has benefitted is the person who it shows it in their personality. The kind of feeling that I had just trying hard to be a Mumin to Please Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla would just make my haert soar and fly through the skies, my heart opening up in feeling and imagining seeing Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla, and just imagining his Beatful light, shining right infront of me.
And now, I start to feel upset a lot of times now, because recently I started to get tricked into doing sins without knowing it until after I had done the sin (this is from Waswasa. Like I would do something, and not know that what I'm doing is committing a sin, until later on, and usually, after I had committed the sin), and that would just pull me down in grief, because I have a duty to Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla, and no matter what, I want to fulfill my responsibilities as a Beleiver, just to please him. I'd do ANYTHING, whether it's getting pounded by kids in order that they stop bullying others, to doing Salat with a whole bunch of youth sneering at me and making snide comments on my wearing a Kufi, and trying to be a good Muslim.
But no matter what, I just want to Please Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla, and NEVER commit any sins. And this time, I don't want to do it in order to get Jannah, or be protected from Jahanam, but I just REALLY and sincerely WISH and TRY to be a better Mumin, just to Please Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla, and do alteast an extreme amount of Ebadah, in order to show my gratitude to Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla, but even if I had done Ebadah to him for eternity, I STILL would not EVER be able to thank, praise, or appreciate him enough............
So Inshallah, everything will go alright for you sister. Because remember, I went through times when I was excluded from kids just for trying to be a better Muslim, and getting poked fun at, but Wallahi, even getting stabbed with a thousand daggers just to Please Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla is worth it........
may Allah forgive me and guide me.... I´m working so hard and then I have to pray also... it angers me when my friends are belitteling me bec I don´t go out to clubs and dress the way they do... and sometimes I want to do that... I just want to have fun.... just live my life without thinking this is halal this is haram... my iman is more and more decreasing... but I know it will not make me happy cuz I will have a guilty conscience... but I´m also not happy as a believer cuz it is requisiting to much discipline and I´m weak I don´t have that strenght to follow strict to all the rulles... I try again and again and I always fail... maybe it is bec I don´t deserve it to be a muslim... but I don´t wanna give up... what would you advice me?
