Problem Fiancée cheated

Discussion in 'TurnToIslam Lounge !' started by Turtle24, Jul 19, 2015.

  1. Turtle24
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    Turtle24 Member

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    Salaams,

    This is a long story so please bare with me. An istikhara was done for marriage by my fiancée who at the time had done it in general, next thing I knew our families had discussed potential for our marriage. I too did istikhara but was left very confused having mixed feelings but was convinced by family but still fairly unsure. I asked a sheikh and he had told me that sometimes a path just opens up so I went ahead and said yes. A few months later I become increasingly unsure and desperate not to marry him, after a few days of intense duas I found out that he cheated on and slept with his ex girlfriend, he had claimed he also loved me and wanted to marry me and he's committed a huge mistake. So I did istikhara again.

    At first he blamed me then her and made many excuses for himself after lying, then he was very regretful and begged for forgiveness. After that he became more concerned with our families having issues with him and his life being ruined and how sad he was in addition to many more excuses to justify or explain how he got there. He claims she pushed him that far and he had come out of a long term relationship and he's struggled and in the process of letting her down gently got carried away. More than his mistakes what bothers me is his reactions to the events, there is more but I would prefer not to say.

    I don't want to marry him, the only thing that makes me unsure is our families and causing them so much pain problems and humiliation. They are more concerned with the world and what people will say. We do get on and we would probably be okay but after everything's that's happened and how I feel I don't think I can go ahead with it. I read istikhara twice the second time and my mind was pretty much made up.

    Can anyone please please advise me on what I should do and how I should do it? He claimed I shouldn't have told my family and if I wanted to end it to have told him so it wouldn't have ruined his life, and now that I want out I can basically deal with it myself but he will take responsibility and say it was his fault. The answer seems so obvious but with such a huge decision an outside opinion would be greatly appreciated.

    Jazakallah khair
  2. ahmed3711
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    ahmed3711 Junior Member

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    look my sister it's a hard decision & your the only one who can take this decision.
    Weather to continue or not & weather to give him another chance or not.
    You know his personality more than us.
    The majority of humans who fall in mistakes like cheating they may change for some while then they return to their real personality again.
    The minority of humans who change because they really want to change.
    Through his actions since the day you started with him you will decide.
    If you continue with him you got to think weather it will be a successful marriage or you will have problems through it.
    Your smart enough & have this long vision for the future.
    Also you know well he loves you or not.
    take your time & don't take your action right now.
    You got to calm down first because your nervous right now.
    Wait for a month or more before you take any critical action like this.
    This is my small point of view
    You can ask more than one because every person will add an advise to you.
    I don't prefer your parents or the people who love you because
    their emotions will stand to your side & they will charge you more.
    We want to solve the problem & close the gap.
    Wish you all the best in your life Inshallah ......
  3. Hajjerr
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    Hajjerr He is Dhul-Jalali Wal-Ikram

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    Salam aleikum

    Cant you pospone things ? You are obviously under pressure and you search an answer very quickly, maybe you can gain time without anyone being disappointed by admiting that you need this time to take such a big decision, whatever the reason is, is your right to decide.
    If they feel humiliated by your rejection, it means they where only thinking about themselves and their own wishful thinking ends up hurting them, not you.
    Things like love between partners dont magically happen, even if the whole humanity has the best intentions.
    For example I also desire my sister to be happy with her partner, but my desire will not change his character if he is bad, has nothing to do with it.
    Take your time, be happy that you are muslim and you have muslim family that thinks about you, I took all my decisions alone and sometimes I decided wrong. So talk with them with honesty and dont give up on your right to have the last word.
  4. Cariad
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    Cariad Junior Member

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    I would be worried. A leopard does not change his spots. :(
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  5. Amatullaah07
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    Amatullaah07 Member

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    Assalaamu aleykum sister, like the other sisters said.. You are the only one who can make the best decision - especially since you know him the best AND because you've prayed istikhaarah. Allah will guide you through to whatever is best for you In Shaa Allaah.

    Believe me, two vital ingredients you need for a successful marriage is Trust and Respect. Do you trust him? Or are you willing to build that trust again with him after your marriage? Do you respect him after what he's done?

    Since you told your family and he's become more defensive saying you've ruined his life, will this be held against you forever if you decide to go ahead with the marriage?
    You've got your whole life ahead of you sister, I know you're worried about what family will say but it's better to make a firm decision now - before the marriage than coming to a realisation after.. Keep praying istikhaarah after you've made a decision and let the situations that arise drive you towards what Allah has planned for you.
    You never know, it could be that he's repented and is sincere to marry you. But it all depends on how you feel. Please keep us updated if you wish, you'll be in my du'aas.
  6. Umm Shareef
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    Umm Shareef Junior Member

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    Wa aleikum as salaam, Sister,

    As you say the answer is obvious. You did not want to marry him in the first place, he then cheated on you with an ex girlfriend and even tried to blame it on you!
    You sound like a lovely sister, who deserves so much better. You have prayed istikharah and got your answer. Just tell him and your family that you have called it off because you did not realise when you agreed to marry him that he was by his own admission a fornicator.
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  7. Safiyah_
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    Safiyah_ Junior Member

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    waleykoum salam dear sister
    once a cheater always a cheater.. trust your feelings. You are not the one humiliating them but he is.
    Marriage is spending your whole life with someone, having his kids, only loving, respecting and listening to him.
    DO you respect a cheater? Do you want this as an example for your kids? Run away from him, Allah blessed you and aswered you by making you find out.
    Marry a good husband since he'll be half your deen in sha Allah
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  8. Safiyah_
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    sister maybe if this can help before i converted i was in a steady relationship. The guy also cheated and claimed he also loved me. Afterwards i found out that he didn't love me at all he was just playing around. Wallah sister i say this for your own good but i'm sure if he cheats already he will always be sleeping with other women because even while you know you would still have married him

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