Help please, advise needed

Discussion in 'TurnToIslam Lounge !' started by Amatullaah07, Jul 24, 2015.

  1. Amatullaah07
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    Assalamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh,

    I am in dire need for some sincere advise regarding my marriage and this is the sole reason why I signed up for this website Alhamdulillah.

    My husband and I have been married for almost two years now. When we first got married I found him to be very possessive which I thought was normal until he'd start to accuse me of looking at men on the street. (I have to mention that I am short sighted). He'd assume that I would be looking at men when in reality I can hardly make anything out. We would have arguments which would sometimes make him get physically violent towards me. Since then, I would make extra effort to make it extremely evident to turn my whole head towards him if any men were around or I would just look down in the car and not look outside (which would make me get nauseous as I get travel sick at times). Regardless, to avoid an argument I would do it to make him feel secure. After a while, this calmed down a lot Alhamdulillah. I had made lots of dua that Allah strengthens the bond between us.

    I had seen him looking at women on the street but when I'd confront him about it and tell him to lower his gaze he would become so defensive and violent that he would start shouting at me in the car.. He'd make me so scared that I had lost the courage to even confront him again so whenever it happened again I would just compose myself and ignore it even though it really played in my head.

    Months went by and we had an otherwise good relationship. He has anger problems and he knows it's a defect in him which he has to change which I commend him for as he accepts his fault when we have an argument. Many nights since the beginning of our marriage he would stay up all night and claim that he just wants to stay up till fajr so he doesn't miss it. He would also have many showers during the day claiming that it was "to wake himself up as he was tired". I would notice that he would almost always be on his phone aswell. This was when I started to become suspicious. He gave me his phone one day to search something and I had noticed that strange links were coming up under the search engine as suggested from his history.. I went on one of the links and discovered that it was several pornographic sites. The word itself makes me feel sick.
    I confronted him the same night and I said that he should've deleted his history before he gave me his phone, he became embarrassed straight away, I could see it on his face but he denied it completely.. Until he saw that there was no point in lying anymore and seeing how hurt I was. He was quiet for a long time then he apologised. I asked him if he wasn't happy with me, he replied he was and it was nothing to do with me and that it had been an addiction since he was 17/18. I was so hurt, I had lost my self esteem and confidence and most importantly I had lost my trust in him. My respect for him had already began to deteriorate when I saw the violent side of him. This was all something I had feared being in a marriage because I had only heard stories like this.

    I decided we would stay apart for a few days just so I could clear my head and have some space. He agreed to this and said that he would make tawbah and change for the best and that maybe he needed me to find out so he would finally stop once and for all. He is a very practising person, and prays and fasts and always seeks knowledge and teaches aswell Ma sha Allah.

    During this time I had contemplated and then went back to his house. Recently now I saw him staring at indecently clothed women and I confronted him again, he denied it all at first and then admitted that maybe he does have a problem controlling his gaze. I asked him again if he wasn't happy with me and again he replied that it was nothing to do with me and that he was offended by my question.

    Allah knows best if the fault is on my part, but I would just like to clarify that I do make an effort for him, I don't refuse his physical rights but he mentioned to me that his desires had increased after marriage, which I don't neglect.
    Regarding second marriage, he said he'd only marry again if I had a friend or I knew someone who was in a difficult situation and if it was brought to him by me.
    I shop online and try my best not to go to shopping centres and places like that to avoid these situations as that is where the most fitnah is.
    Being a woman who covers from head to toe, I asked him if he'd like it if other men were to stare at me had I not been covered as I am. I just feel so lost and down and so unappreciated. I just don't know if I can continue like this anymore although he always says he will change.

    If you have read all the way upto here, thank you so much for your time, advice is much appreciated.
    Last edited: Jul 30, 2015
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  2. Safiyah_
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    waleykoum salam dear sister
    ma sha Allah for your patience !!
    Marriage is a vow you made in front of Allah.. So it's good that at least you try but in my opinion your husband has to try harder to change.
    Such an addiction can't be handled alone, he should get professional help and go in rehab ( im not kidding)
    If he overcomes the problem then you can start a healthy marriage, but of he doesn't i'm afraid this marriage goes nowhere because it's a matter of time before he commits zina (which he already does)
    i would advise u, to try and have a little more sabr but to keep a close eye at the problem.
    If u ever feel like talking u can contact me we are sisters in islaam :SMILY252: May Allah bless your marriage and make it easier for you. And may He help your husband to get over the problem !
    • Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah x 2
  3. Amatullaah07
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    Jazaakillaah Khayran sister for your reply I just need some advise from an outer perspective because I feel like I can't think :(
    May الله reward you with goodness in this life and The Next Aameen
  4. Abu Juwairiya
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    Sister, do you think some time apart might help. If there is some distance between yourselves, it might give him time to reflect, appreciate and inshallah love you more. You may also want to consider involving others, some people form both sides of the family and get their perspective in what they know of both of you. You should also think of trying things that might bring you closer- a hajj or umrah trip, even a holiday if he is against the idea of a visit to Allah's House.

    The issue of pornography is serious. You need to think about whether he can give up his addiction from what you know of him. If he is sincere about changing and wants to kick the habit then you should think about ways of helping him and going through it together as a couple. Its not just about whether he wants to stay with you or is happy with you, it is also a capital offence in Islam and something no married man or married woman should have to deal with if they are truly with a practicing spouse.

    The trust issue is another matter. If the marriage is based on Islam (that is you both married for strengthening your relationship with Allah as the primary purpose for marital union) then there is no question of distrust or suspicion, you should be able to easily converse with one another, be frank and communicate all problems and aspects of your marriage without complexity or fear of alienation from the other.

    You could also see what things have worked for you both in the past and see if you can expand on that, it might work and as the other sister suggested keep your Deen strong irrespective of what is happening. Allah is testing you. Sometimes it takes great trials like these to make us great ourselves and whatever happens, it was meant for us and there is good in everything He does and what He will do and give in return for everything He takes and makes us go through. We may not always understand His Wisdom or appreciate and thank Him for both the good and the challenging times in our lives, but it makes or breaks us- the choice is ours.
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  5. Amatullaah07
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    JazakAllah Khayr for the reply Abu Juwairiya
    Truth is we did have some time apart, when I first discovered this. It was before Ramadan. He promised he won't go back to it. And he says he still hasn't. I believe him and I'm making excuses for him.
    He says his desires have increased after marriage and therefore he's finding it difficult to lower his gaze. This doesn't make sense to me. Marriage is supposed to tame your desires, it's the remedy prescribed by the Prophet صل الله عليه و سلّم to fulfil half your deen in keeping chaste. What's the point of me if its not doing that? Is it an effect of pornography?
    Today I discovered that he'd been trying to get in contact with a sister. When I asked who it was he claimed it was a "random person" he found on the Internet and that he wanted to open up to someone and talk to them and "seek advice" because he "didn't know who to talk to."
    "Maybe.. your wife?" Why another woman? On a topic that he claims women will never understand? You mentioned being able to speak to one another in a marriage - this is what I came into this marriage thinking. And I simply told him to fear Allah to the best of his ability and make Him the priority over all. He said to me I'd never understand how men are so attracted to women. I said married men don't go after these things it's not right. He agreed that it was wrong but still insisted that I would never understand.
    When I checked her reply, she said the same thing - to fear Allah and he said "it should be written in gold for it was the best advice he had gotten."
    Never have I been made to feel so worthless in the roles I have taken in my life.
    I'm putting all my trust in Allah, only He can give me what's best for me.
    May Allah reward you for your sincere advice, Ameen.
    Last edited: Jul 30, 2015
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  6. Abu Juwairiya
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    Jazakallah Khayrun for your reply sister.

    While I am not an expert on marriage, I can however tell you 'lowering the gaze' for brothers in general is quite hard and for many, even practising brothers it is very very difficult. It is just something we have to accept is from Allah and is a trial with both great consequences if one fails and with excellent rewards if he [the individual brother] is successful. Sisters may never experience or be aware of the very high sensual desire Allah has placed in men for women and I hope no sister ever has to experience this, but take it from me, it is a challenge and a regular opportunity to demonstrate our passion for Jannah as opposed to our passions for the opposite gender.

    Marriage in theory I agree should make controlling desires easier, but it is still a struggle, that is something each brother must choose to strive against but as hard as it is, it is neither impossible nor suicidal to compete and win against, otherwise Allah would not place us in this situation in the first place.

    One solution (disliked by many sisters) is for a brother to have more than one wife and up to four (if he can fulfil the very strict and severely stringent conditions outlined to undertake the step in the first place, otherwise the consequences are equally vigorous and some would add 'harsh' in the hereafter if they are not adhered to). However, the brother must be very practicing and a role model in theory to begin with (i.e. someone who does not watch pornography for example and would not be ashamed for his wife and children to know what he does, where he goes, who he sees and in turn emulate and replicate his actions, personality, character and be aware of his private life without feeling shame or humiliation].

    Another solution [favoured by the Prophet (SAW) and his companions] is to participate in additional worship as a family. In the absence of children, this can be just the husband and wife but can include other relatives (for example your blood brothers/sisters, parents, cousins, in laws and wider relations).

    Additional worship varies from family to family depending on not ability, but on the type of Jannah you want and how strong a Muslim you want to be and how close you want to be with Allah and whether you want to be honoured in the hereafter as one of the greatest slaves and servants of Islam and someone whom Allah will be proud to boast of to large congregations of the Angels or if you are content with being a common worshipper with a small Jannah to your name. It is not about how much you can do but on what you want in the next world and whether you are willing to make the commitment to work for it.

    One of the easiest examples of additional worship includes praying Tahajjud with regularity. This does not just mean praying itself, but all those things that go with it which includes making dua, shedding tears when you think of Allah, asking to be saved from Jahannum, asking to be placed in the highest of Jannahs and begging to be included among the best of Muslims on the Day of Judgement.

    Allah only allows the good worshipper to partake of this on an ongoing basis and someone who sins intentionally is stripped of this ability until he/she reforms. If you and your husband want to be among them, you both need to make yourselves worthy of it. If you want to be among them, the very first thing is to convince yourself you are as good as them in ability [not in status, that is up to Allah] and that you truly believe if you put your heart and soul into it, you can get there. After that Allah will take over and guide you all the way as long as you remain sincere and remain constant in your worship and spiritual strength.

    A second example I personally favour in addition to the above is to learn, teach, read and propagate from Tafseer. This can be both within family and friends or with large numbers of people whom you want it to benefit from as well. If you can find yourself the ten volumes of Tafseer Ibn Kathir you can participate in this as well. It is available for free as PDF online. If you are unable to find one, I can send it to you free of charge [provided you make dua for me and ask Allah to guide me and help me with my Deen and help me enter Jannah as a good worshipper as well].

    I am sorry for the long reply, I sometimes get carried away with advice. So if you feel there is anything of any benefit then please take from it and ignore what is irrelevant.
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  7. Amatullaah07
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    JazakAllah Khayr brother that is really sound and beneficial advise.
    You are right, we can always better ourselves in worship. I have tafsir ibn kathir Alhamdulillah.
    Also I don't think it matters how many wives you have, if you can't control your lusts for one wife then it just goes to show the problem is within him.. I would never want another woman to experience disloyalty from her husband although it's very common. This has been so difficult to express.
    I'm going to leave it to Allah as ultimately it is His Decree.
    May Allah guide us all and reward you for all your efforts. Ameen.
    Last edited: Jul 30, 2015
  8. tariq-mehmood-2
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    Assalam u Alaikum sister
    May Allah help you and guide you. All the brothers and sisters in Islam at salamu are going to pray for you InshahAllah.
    I believe no body is perfect and after marriages so many compromises are needed from both side. You are doing the best you can and may Allah reward you for that because divorce is something which is disliked in Islamic shariah and this is the last stage when there is no hope.
    I felt that at first husband and wife are sometimes more like strangers to one anther but after Allah bless them with baby they became more closer to one another and start caring about one another even more. I think you have got my point. And one thing more... if its a daughter she will be more closer to her father and after having kids people don't have time to do suspicious activities or fight over non issues. They are busy and always think about their kids.
    One last thing is that try to involve your husband in some educational discussion or watch Islamic speeches, debates, and discussion together. Especially intellectuals like Shaikh Kamal Al Makki and Noman Ali Khan they will make you laugh and learn alot of things.
  9. Abu Juwairiya
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    I enclose a small book that might be of some use to you. Not all of it is relevant to you, but the verses related to being close to Allah and the how and why to do so are included. You can ignore the aspects related to Wilaya (friendship with Allah), but as you know you can benefit from books like this as well even when there are questionable aspects to it as long as you can recognise them as well.

    Attached Files:

  10. Amatullaah07
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    JazakAllah Khayr brother tariq mehmood. And also for the polite suggestion. It is not something we are delaying, rather it is Allah's Plan as I have experienced miscarriages. Alhamdulillah and He is the Best of Planners.
    I do pray that Allah blesses us with righteous and pious offspring as and for all my brothers and sisters.
    I do not wish for a divorce but I said to my husband if this continues then I have no choice but to part from you as I cannot live a life hating you in this marriage only resulting in mistreating you and ultimately disobeying Allah. May Allah protect us. Ameen.

    And also brother Abu Juwairiya, I will have a read In sha Allah. Barak Allahu Feekum.

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