salamu alakuim bro/sis! today has been a long day for me likeothers all around the world but wats bothering me is that my heart is broken i feel sad and just wanted 2 talk 2 someone. iam heartbroken because my relationship with the female i love very dearly lik shattered and im trna deal with it the best i can. ihave a temper i sumtimes find it hard 2 control and i dnt wanna result 2 be destructive as i could get. its just that i feel like with her not on my side i am lonely and no desire 2 marry no other female or wateva i feel like joining my brothers and sisterswho are oppressed and killed in jihad until allaah calls 4 my soul... might sound wierd but dats how ifeel.im not so attached to this world i prefer the hereafter wherethe believers live in happiness with the restof the faithful. but can anyonelike give me some words ofwisdom because i know that we all get sad,depressed or wateva sometimes? thnx
help
- Thread starter naquan20
- Start date
nyerekareem
abdur-rahman
:salam2:
i understand your feelings about the marriage situation. i was recently let down by a prospective wife that i was really interested in. it hurt for a little bit. but i realized that it wasn't the end of the world. but most importantly i have to understand and respect the qadr of Allah SWT. when you begin to deny qadr or be angry about qadr, your imaan begins to fade. if you marry this girl it was meant to be, if not; it wasn't meant to be. whosoever Allah SWT guides can never be led astray and who ever Allah SWT misguides can never be brought to the right path. i am very lonely right now, desperately seeking a wife and i don't have anyone interested in me at all. so i understand how hard it is. i think going to fight in a physical jihad would be bad for you. why? based on the fact that you are sad, that you are depressed. going and risking your life in jihad under the before mentioned condition really would be like comitting suicide, and we all know that suicide is haram. for one really participating in jihad, he has to be happy with his qadr, he has to feel good, not depressed, he does it for the sake of Allah SWT not because he had a bad breakup/divorce. brother i love you for the sake of Allah SWT, make salatul-istikharah. i will keep you in my dua.
please read this:
Hadith - al-Tirmidhi # 2151. [Classed as saheeh by al-Haakim, 1/699, and al-Dhahabi agreed with him. It was classed as hasan by al-Haafiz ibn Hajar in Fath al-Baari, 11/184]
The happiness of the son of Adam depends on his being content with what Allah has decreed for him, and the misery of the son of Adam results from his failure to pray istikharah, and the misery of the son of Adam results from in his discontent with what Allah has decreed for him.
To make the prayer of Istikharah (say: iss-teh-KHAR-uh), one should pray two non-fard (non-obligatory) rakat (units) of prayer, even if they are of the regular sunnah prayers or a prayer for entering the mosque, and so on, during any time of the day or night.
One should recite in them whatever one wishes of the Qur'an, after reciting al-Fatihah. Then one should praise Allah and invoke blessings upon the Prophet, peace be upon him.
After this one should supplicate to Allah. Jabir Ibn 'Abdullah has reported the following supplication from the Prophet, peace be upon him, when he related, "The Prophet, peace be upon him, taught us how to make Istikharah in all (our) affairs, just as he taught us various surahs of the Qur'an. He told us, 'If anyone of you considers doing something he should offer a two-rak'at prayer other than the obligatory prayers, and then say (after the prayer),
"Allahumma inni astakhiruka bi'ilmika. wa astaqdiruka bi-qudratika, wa as'aluka min fadlika al-azimfa-innaka taqdiru wala aqdiru, wa ta'lamu wala a ' lamu, wa anta 'allamu-l-ghuyub.
Allahumma, in kunta ta' lamu anna hadhaI-amra khairun lifi dini wa ma'ashi wa aqibati amri (or 'ajili amri wa'ajilihi) f aqdirhu li wa yas-sirhu li thumma barik li fihi, wa in kunta ta'llamu anna hadha-l-amra sharrun lifi dini wa ma'ashi wa-aqibati amri (orfi'ajili amri wa ajilihi) fasrifhu anni was-rifni'anhu.
Wa aqdir li al-khaira haithu kana thumma ardini bihi"
(O Allah ! I ask guidance from Your knowledge, and Power from Your Might and I ask for Your great blessings. You are capable and I am not. You know and I do not and You know the unseen. O Allah! If You know that this thing is good for my din and my subsistence and for my Hereafter - (or say, If it is better for my present and later needs) - then ordain it for me and make it easy for me to obtain, and then bless me in it. If You know that this thing is harmful to me in my din and subsistence and in the Hereafter--(or say, If it is worse for my present and later needs)--then keep it away from me, and keep me away from it. And ordain for me whatever is good for me, and make me satisfied with it)."'
The Prophet, may peace be upon him, added that then the person should mention his need."
There is nothing authentic concerning anything specific that is to be recited in the prayer nor is there any authentic report concerning how many times one should repeat it.
An-Nawawi holds that "after making istikharah, a person must do what he is wholeheartedly inclined to do and feels good about doing and should not insist on doing what he had desired to do before making the istikharah. And if his feelings change, he should leave what he had intended to do, for otherwise he is not leaving the choice to Allah, and would not be honest in seeking aid from Allah's power and knowledge. Sincerity in seeking Allah's choice, means that one should completely abandon what one desired oneself."
Action Items for the Mutaqqun:
Make the prayer of istikharah before deciding to embark on a journey.
Make the prayer of istikharah any time faced with uncertainty and requiring a decision to be made.
Remember... Allah, subhana watala, sees everything we do
i understand your feelings about the marriage situation. i was recently let down by a prospective wife that i was really interested in. it hurt for a little bit. but i realized that it wasn't the end of the world. but most importantly i have to understand and respect the qadr of Allah SWT. when you begin to deny qadr or be angry about qadr, your imaan begins to fade. if you marry this girl it was meant to be, if not; it wasn't meant to be. whosoever Allah SWT guides can never be led astray and who ever Allah SWT misguides can never be brought to the right path. i am very lonely right now, desperately seeking a wife and i don't have anyone interested in me at all. so i understand how hard it is. i think going to fight in a physical jihad would be bad for you. why? based on the fact that you are sad, that you are depressed. going and risking your life in jihad under the before mentioned condition really would be like comitting suicide, and we all know that suicide is haram. for one really participating in jihad, he has to be happy with his qadr, he has to feel good, not depressed, he does it for the sake of Allah SWT not because he had a bad breakup/divorce. brother i love you for the sake of Allah SWT, make salatul-istikharah. i will keep you in my dua.
please read this:
Hadith - al-Tirmidhi # 2151. [Classed as saheeh by al-Haakim, 1/699, and al-Dhahabi agreed with him. It was classed as hasan by al-Haafiz ibn Hajar in Fath al-Baari, 11/184]
The happiness of the son of Adam depends on his being content with what Allah has decreed for him, and the misery of the son of Adam results from his failure to pray istikharah, and the misery of the son of Adam results from in his discontent with what Allah has decreed for him.
To make the prayer of Istikharah (say: iss-teh-KHAR-uh), one should pray two non-fard (non-obligatory) rakat (units) of prayer, even if they are of the regular sunnah prayers or a prayer for entering the mosque, and so on, during any time of the day or night.
One should recite in them whatever one wishes of the Qur'an, after reciting al-Fatihah. Then one should praise Allah and invoke blessings upon the Prophet, peace be upon him.
After this one should supplicate to Allah. Jabir Ibn 'Abdullah has reported the following supplication from the Prophet, peace be upon him, when he related, "The Prophet, peace be upon him, taught us how to make Istikharah in all (our) affairs, just as he taught us various surahs of the Qur'an. He told us, 'If anyone of you considers doing something he should offer a two-rak'at prayer other than the obligatory prayers, and then say (after the prayer),
"Allahumma inni astakhiruka bi'ilmika. wa astaqdiruka bi-qudratika, wa as'aluka min fadlika al-azimfa-innaka taqdiru wala aqdiru, wa ta'lamu wala a ' lamu, wa anta 'allamu-l-ghuyub.
Allahumma, in kunta ta' lamu anna hadhaI-amra khairun lifi dini wa ma'ashi wa aqibati amri (or 'ajili amri wa'ajilihi) f aqdirhu li wa yas-sirhu li thumma barik li fihi, wa in kunta ta'llamu anna hadha-l-amra sharrun lifi dini wa ma'ashi wa-aqibati amri (orfi'ajili amri wa ajilihi) fasrifhu anni was-rifni'anhu.
Wa aqdir li al-khaira haithu kana thumma ardini bihi"
(O Allah ! I ask guidance from Your knowledge, and Power from Your Might and I ask for Your great blessings. You are capable and I am not. You know and I do not and You know the unseen. O Allah! If You know that this thing is good for my din and my subsistence and for my Hereafter - (or say, If it is better for my present and later needs) - then ordain it for me and make it easy for me to obtain, and then bless me in it. If You know that this thing is harmful to me in my din and subsistence and in the Hereafter--(or say, If it is worse for my present and later needs)--then keep it away from me, and keep me away from it. And ordain for me whatever is good for me, and make me satisfied with it)."'
The Prophet, may peace be upon him, added that then the person should mention his need."
There is nothing authentic concerning anything specific that is to be recited in the prayer nor is there any authentic report concerning how many times one should repeat it.
An-Nawawi holds that "after making istikharah, a person must do what he is wholeheartedly inclined to do and feels good about doing and should not insist on doing what he had desired to do before making the istikharah. And if his feelings change, he should leave what he had intended to do, for otherwise he is not leaving the choice to Allah, and would not be honest in seeking aid from Allah's power and knowledge. Sincerity in seeking Allah's choice, means that one should completely abandon what one desired oneself."
Action Items for the Mutaqqun:
Make the prayer of istikharah before deciding to embark on a journey.
Make the prayer of istikharah any time faced with uncertainty and requiring a decision to be made.
Remember... Allah, subhana watala, sees everything we do
thnx
thank you so much brother u really helped me and i needed that point of view i like everyother human bein am not perfect. i LOVE u to for the sake of allaah andu really made me happy may allaah bless you for u are indeed a good brother! al humdillah also thnx 4 bein NICE!!!!
i too will remember u in my duas!!
thank you so much brother u really helped me and i needed that point of view i like everyother human bein am not perfect. i LOVE u to for the sake of allaah andu really made me happy may allaah bless you for u are indeed a good brother! al humdillah also thnx 4 bein NICE!!!!
i too will remember u in my duas!!
nyerekareem
abdur-rahman
your welcome dear brother. that's what all of us our here for. to support one another. the path to jannah isn't easy, so we must strive, associate ourselves with people that are pious, do good deeds and most importantly fear Allah SWT.
Southrn_Muslimah
bnqɯnɥ 'ɥɐq
:salam2:
Brother here is something from Islamqa and how to control one's anger. On a personal note, I used to be angry all the time. Anger does not lead to great things. It is an infliction by Shaytaan. Shaytaan does not bring happiness. Instead of letting Shaytaan rule your life, allow the love of Allah (SWT) to flow deep into your heart.
I am not married, but if a man were to treat me like that I would walk away until that person has completely changed. I do not need someone's anger spreading like a wildfire into my life and my family. Just make du'aa. I have changed, so you can too.
Question:
I have a bad temper, if I was mad or upset, I have moved away from the situation, when I was standing I would sit down, when I were sitting I would lie down, and I have recited the "darood" and "laholawallah kuwatta", but to no avail.
How does one control their temper then?
Answer:
Praise be to Allaah.
Anger is one of the evil whispers of Shaytaan, which leads to so many evils and tragedies, of which only Allaah knows their full extent. For this reason Islam has a great deal to say about this bad characteristic, and the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) described cures for this "disease" and ways to limit its effects, among which are the following:
(1) Seeking refuge with Allaah from the Shaytaan:
Sulayman ibn Sard said: "I was sitting with the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), and two men were slandering one another. One of them was red in the face, and the veins on his neck were standing out. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, ‘I know a word which, if he were to say it, what he feels would go away. If he said "I seek refuge with Allaah from the Shaytaan," what he feels (i.e., his anger) would go away.’" (Reported by al-Bukhaari, al-Fath, 6/337)
The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "If a man gets angry and says, ‘I seek refuge with Allaah,’ his anger will go away." (Saheeh al-Jaami’ al-Sagheer, no. 695)
(2) Keeping silent:
The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "If any of you becomes angry, let him keep silent." (Reported by Imaam Ahmad, al-Musnad, 1/329; see also Saheeh al-Jaami’, 693, 4027).
This is because in most cases, the angry person loses self control and could utter words of kufr (from which we seek refuge with Allaah), or curses, or the word of divorce (talaaq) which would destroy his home, or words of slander which would bring him the enmity and hatred of others. So, in short, keeping silent is the solution which helps one to avoid all that.
(3) Not moving:
The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "If any of you becomes angry and he is standing, let him sit down, so his anger will go away; if it does not go away, let him lie down."
The narrator of this hadeeth is Abu Dharr (may Allaah be pleased with him), and there is a story connected to his telling of it: he was taking his camels to drink at a trough that he owned, when some other people came along and said (to one another), "Who can compete with Abu Dharr (in bringing animals to drink) and make his hair stand on end?" A man said, "I can," so he brought his animals and competed with Abu Dharr, with the result that the trough was broken. [i.e., Abu Dharr was expecting help in watering his camels, but instead the man misbehaved and caused the trough to be broken]. Abu Dharr was standing, so he sat down, then he laid down. Someone asked him, "O Abu Dharr, why did you sit down then lie down?" He said: "The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: . . ." and quoted the hadeeth. (The hadeeth and this story may be found in Musnad Ahmad, 5/152; see also Saheeh al-Jaami’, no. 694).
According to another report, Abu Dharr was watering his animals at the trough, when another man made him angry, so he sat down . . . (Fayd al-Qadeer, al-Manaawi, 1/408)
Among the benefits of this advice given by the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) is the fact that it prevents the angry person from going out of control, because he could strike out and injure someone, or even kill - as we will find out shortly - or he could destroy possessions and so on. Sitting down makes it less likely that he will become overexcited, and lying down makes it even less likely that he will do something crazy or harmful. Al-’Allaamah al-Khattaabi, may Allaah have mercy on him, said in his commentary on Abu Dawud: "One who is standing is in a position to strike and destroy, while the one who is sitting is less likely to do that, and the one who is lying down can do neither. It is possible that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) told the angry person to sit down or lie down so that he would not do something that he would later regret. And Allaah knows best." (Sunan Abi Dawud, with Ma’aalim al-Sunan, 5/141)
(4) Following the advice of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him):
Abu Hurayrah, may Allaah be pleased with him, reported that a man said to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), "Advise me." He said, "Do not become angry." The man repeated his request several times, and each time the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) told him, "Do not become angry." (Reported by al-Bukhaari, Fath al-Bari, 10/456)
According to another report, the man said: "I thought about what the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, and I realized that anger combines all kinds of evil." (Musnad Ahmad, 5/373)
(5) Do not become angry and Paradise will be yours (a saheeh hadeeth, see Saheeh al-Jaami’, 7374. Ibn Hijr attributed it to al-Tabaraani, see al-Fath 4/465):
Remembering what Allaah has promised to the righteous (muttaqeen) who keep away from the causes of anger and struggle within themselves to control it, is one of the most effective ways of extinguishing the flames of anger. One of the ahaadeeth that describe the great reward for doing this is: "Whoever controls his anger at the time when he has the means to act upon it, Allaah will fill his heart with contentment on the Day of Resurrection." (Reported by al-Tabaraani, 12/453, see also Saheeh al-Jaami’, 6518).
Another great reward is described in the Prophet’s words: "Whoever controls his anger at the time when he has the means to act upon it, Allaah will call him before all of mankind on the Day of Resurrection, and will let him choose of the Hur al-’Iyn whoever he wants." (Reported by Abu Dawud, 4777, and others. It is classified as hasan in Saheeh al-Jaami, 6518).
(6) Knowing the high status and advantages offered to those who control themselves:
The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "The strong man is not the one who can overpower others (in wrestling); rather, the strong man is the one who controls himself when he gets angry." (Reported by Ahmad, 2/236; the hadeeth is agreed upon). The greater the anger, the higher the status of the one who controls himself. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "The strongest man is the one who, when he gets angry and his face reddens and his hackles rise, is able to defeat his anger." (Reported by Imaam Ahmad, 5/367, and classified as hasan in Saheeh al-Jaami’, 3859)
Anas reported that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) passed by some people who were wrestling. He asked, "What is this?" They said: "So-and-so is the strongest, he can beat anybody." The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, "Shall I not tell you who is even stronger then him? The man who, when he is mistreated by another, controls his anger, has defeated his own shaytaan and the shaytaan of the one who made him angry." (Reported by al-Bazzaar, and Ibn Hijr said its isnaad is saheeh. Al-Fath, 10/519)
(7) Following the Prophet’s example in the case of anger:
The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) is our leader and has set the highest example in this matter, as is recorded in a number of ahaadeeth. One of the most famous was reported by Anas, may Allaah be pleased with him, who said: "I was walking with the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), and he was wearing a Najraani cloak with a rough collar. A Bedouin came and seized him roughly by the edge of his cloak, and I saw the marks left on his neck by the collar. Then the Bedouin ordered him to give him some of the wealth of Allaah that he had. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) turned to him and smiled, then ordered that he should be given something." (Agreed upon. Fath al-Baari, 10/375)
Another way in which we can follow the example of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) is by making our anger for the sake of Allaah, when His rights are violated. This is the kind of anger which is praiseworthy. So the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) became angry when he was told about the imaam who was putting people off the prayer by making it too long; when he saw a curtain with pictures of animate creatures in ‘Aa’ishah’s house; when Usaamah spoke to him about the Makhzoomi woman who had been convicted of theft, and he said "Do you seek to intervene concerning one of the punishments prescribed by Allaah?"; when he was asked questions that he disliked, and so on. His anger was purely for the sake of Allaah.
(8) Knowing that resisting anger is one of the signs of righteousness (taqwaa):
The righteous (al-muttaqoon) are those praised by Allaah in the Qur’aan and by His Messenger (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him). Paradise as wide as heaven and earth has been prepared for them. One of their characteristics is that they (interpretation of the meaning) "spend (in Allaah’s Cause) in prosperity and in adversity, [they] repress anger, and [they] pardon men; verily, Allaah loves al-muhsinoon (the good-doers)." [Aal ‘Imraan 3:134]
These are the ones whose good character and beautiful attributes and deeds Allaah has mentioned, and whom people admire and want to emulate. One of their characteristics is that (interpretation of the meaning) ". . . when they are angry, they forgive." [al-Shooraa 42:47]
(9) Listening to reminders:
Anger is a part of human nature, and people vary in their anger. It may be difficult for a man not to get angry, but sincere people will remember Allaah when they are reminded, and they will not overstep the mark. Some examples follow:
Ibn ‘Abbaas (may Allaah be pleased with him) reported that a man sought permission to speak to ‘Umar ibn al-Khattaab (may Allaah be pleased with him), then he said: "O son of al-Khattaab, you are not giving us much and you are not judging fairly between us." ‘Umar (may Allaah be pleased with him) was so angry that he was about to attack the man, but al-Hurr ibn Qays, who was one of those present, said: "O Ameer al-Mu’mineen, Allaah said to His Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) (interpretation of the meaning): ‘Show forgiveness, enjoin what is good, and turn away from the foolish’ [al-A’raaf 7:199]. This man is one of the foolish." By Allaah, ‘Umar could go no further after al-Hurr had recited this aayah to him, and he a man who was careful to adhere to the Book of Allaah. (Reported by al-Bukhaari, al-Fath, 4/304).
This is how the Muslim should be. The evil munaafiq (hypocrite) was not like this when he was told the hadeeth of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and one of the Companions said to him, "Seek refuge with Allaah from the Shaytaan." He said to the one who reminded him, "Do you think I am crazy? Go away!" (Reported by al-Bukhaari, al-Fath, 1/465). We seek refuge with Allaah from failure.
(10) Knowing the bad effects of anger:
The negative effects of anger are many; in short they cause damage to one’s own self and to others. The angry person may utter words of slander and obscenity, he may attack others (physically) in an uncontrolled manner, even to the point of killing. The following story contains a valuable lesson:
‘Ilqimah ibn Waa’il reported that his father (may Allaah be pleased with him) told him: "I was sitting with the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) when a man came to him leading another man by a rope. He said, ‘O Messenger of Allaah, this man killed my brother.’ The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) asked him, ‘Did you kill him?’ He said, ‘Yes, I killed him.’ He asked, ‘How did you kill him?’ He said, ‘He and I were hitting a tree to make the leaves fall, for animal feed, and he slandered me, so I struck him on the side of the head with an axe, and killed him.’ . . ." (Reported by Muslim, 1307, edited by al-Baaqi).
Anger could lead to less than killing, such as wounding and breaking bones. If the one who caused the anger runs away, the angry person turns his anger in on himself, so he may tear his clothes, or strike his cheeks, or have a fit, or fall unconscious, or he may break dishes and plates, or break furniture.
In the worst cases, anger results in social disasters and the breaking of family ties, i.e., divorce. Ask many of those who divorced their wives, and they will tell you: it was in a moment of anger. This divorce results in misery for the children, regret and frustration, a hard and difficult life, all as a result of anger. If they had remembered Allaah, come to their senses, restrained their anger and sought refuge with Allaah, none of this would have happened. Going against the sharee’ah only results in loss.
The damage to health that results from anger can only be described by doctors, such as thrombosis, high blood pressure, tachycardia (abnormally rapid heartbeat) and hyperventilation (rapid, shallow breathing), which can lead to fatal heart attacks, diabetes, etc. We ask Allaah for good health.
(11) The angry person should think about himself during moments of anger:
If the angry person could see himself in the mirror when he is angry, he would hate himself and the way he looks. If he could see the way he changes, and the way his body and limbs shake, how his eyes glare and how out of control and crazy his behaviour is, he would despise himself and be revolted by his own appearance. It is well-known that inner ugliness is even worse than outer ugliness; how happy the Shaytaan must be when a person is in this state! We seek refuge with Allaah from the Shaytaan and from failure.
(12) Du’aa’:
Du’aa’ is always the weapon of the believer, whereby he asks Allaah to protect him from evil, trouble and bad behaviour and seeks refuge with Him from falling into the pit of kufr or wrongdoing because of anger. One of the three things that can help save him is: being fair at times of contentment and of anger (Saheeh al-Jaami’, 3039). One of the du’aa’s of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) was:
"O Allaah, by Your knowledge of the Unseen and Your power over Your creation, keep me alive for as long as You know life is good for me, and cause me to die when You know death is good for me. O Allaah, I ask You to make me fear You in secret and in public, and I ask You to make me speak the truth in times of contentment and of anger. I ask You not to let me be extravagant in poverty or in prosperity. I ask You for continuous blessings, and for contentment that does not end. I ask You to let me accept Your decree, and for a good life after death. I ask You for the joy of seeing Your face and for the longing to meet You, without going through diseases and misguiding fitnah (trials). O Allaah, adorn us with the adornment of faith and make us among those who are guided. Praise be to Allaah, the Lord of the Worlds."
Islam Q&A
Brother here is something from Islamqa and how to control one's anger. On a personal note, I used to be angry all the time. Anger does not lead to great things. It is an infliction by Shaytaan. Shaytaan does not bring happiness. Instead of letting Shaytaan rule your life, allow the love of Allah (SWT) to flow deep into your heart.
I am not married, but if a man were to treat me like that I would walk away until that person has completely changed. I do not need someone's anger spreading like a wildfire into my life and my family. Just make du'aa. I have changed, so you can too.
Question:
I have a bad temper, if I was mad or upset, I have moved away from the situation, when I was standing I would sit down, when I were sitting I would lie down, and I have recited the "darood" and "laholawallah kuwatta", but to no avail.
How does one control their temper then?
Answer:
Praise be to Allaah.
Anger is one of the evil whispers of Shaytaan, which leads to so many evils and tragedies, of which only Allaah knows their full extent. For this reason Islam has a great deal to say about this bad characteristic, and the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) described cures for this "disease" and ways to limit its effects, among which are the following:
(1) Seeking refuge with Allaah from the Shaytaan:
Sulayman ibn Sard said: "I was sitting with the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), and two men were slandering one another. One of them was red in the face, and the veins on his neck were standing out. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, ‘I know a word which, if he were to say it, what he feels would go away. If he said "I seek refuge with Allaah from the Shaytaan," what he feels (i.e., his anger) would go away.’" (Reported by al-Bukhaari, al-Fath, 6/337)
The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "If a man gets angry and says, ‘I seek refuge with Allaah,’ his anger will go away." (Saheeh al-Jaami’ al-Sagheer, no. 695)
(2) Keeping silent:
The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "If any of you becomes angry, let him keep silent." (Reported by Imaam Ahmad, al-Musnad, 1/329; see also Saheeh al-Jaami’, 693, 4027).
This is because in most cases, the angry person loses self control and could utter words of kufr (from which we seek refuge with Allaah), or curses, or the word of divorce (talaaq) which would destroy his home, or words of slander which would bring him the enmity and hatred of others. So, in short, keeping silent is the solution which helps one to avoid all that.
(3) Not moving:
The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "If any of you becomes angry and he is standing, let him sit down, so his anger will go away; if it does not go away, let him lie down."
The narrator of this hadeeth is Abu Dharr (may Allaah be pleased with him), and there is a story connected to his telling of it: he was taking his camels to drink at a trough that he owned, when some other people came along and said (to one another), "Who can compete with Abu Dharr (in bringing animals to drink) and make his hair stand on end?" A man said, "I can," so he brought his animals and competed with Abu Dharr, with the result that the trough was broken. [i.e., Abu Dharr was expecting help in watering his camels, but instead the man misbehaved and caused the trough to be broken]. Abu Dharr was standing, so he sat down, then he laid down. Someone asked him, "O Abu Dharr, why did you sit down then lie down?" He said: "The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: . . ." and quoted the hadeeth. (The hadeeth and this story may be found in Musnad Ahmad, 5/152; see also Saheeh al-Jaami’, no. 694).
According to another report, Abu Dharr was watering his animals at the trough, when another man made him angry, so he sat down . . . (Fayd al-Qadeer, al-Manaawi, 1/408)
Among the benefits of this advice given by the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) is the fact that it prevents the angry person from going out of control, because he could strike out and injure someone, or even kill - as we will find out shortly - or he could destroy possessions and so on. Sitting down makes it less likely that he will become overexcited, and lying down makes it even less likely that he will do something crazy or harmful. Al-’Allaamah al-Khattaabi, may Allaah have mercy on him, said in his commentary on Abu Dawud: "One who is standing is in a position to strike and destroy, while the one who is sitting is less likely to do that, and the one who is lying down can do neither. It is possible that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) told the angry person to sit down or lie down so that he would not do something that he would later regret. And Allaah knows best." (Sunan Abi Dawud, with Ma’aalim al-Sunan, 5/141)
(4) Following the advice of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him):
Abu Hurayrah, may Allaah be pleased with him, reported that a man said to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), "Advise me." He said, "Do not become angry." The man repeated his request several times, and each time the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) told him, "Do not become angry." (Reported by al-Bukhaari, Fath al-Bari, 10/456)
According to another report, the man said: "I thought about what the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, and I realized that anger combines all kinds of evil." (Musnad Ahmad, 5/373)
(5) Do not become angry and Paradise will be yours (a saheeh hadeeth, see Saheeh al-Jaami’, 7374. Ibn Hijr attributed it to al-Tabaraani, see al-Fath 4/465):
Remembering what Allaah has promised to the righteous (muttaqeen) who keep away from the causes of anger and struggle within themselves to control it, is one of the most effective ways of extinguishing the flames of anger. One of the ahaadeeth that describe the great reward for doing this is: "Whoever controls his anger at the time when he has the means to act upon it, Allaah will fill his heart with contentment on the Day of Resurrection." (Reported by al-Tabaraani, 12/453, see also Saheeh al-Jaami’, 6518).
Another great reward is described in the Prophet’s words: "Whoever controls his anger at the time when he has the means to act upon it, Allaah will call him before all of mankind on the Day of Resurrection, and will let him choose of the Hur al-’Iyn whoever he wants." (Reported by Abu Dawud, 4777, and others. It is classified as hasan in Saheeh al-Jaami, 6518).
(6) Knowing the high status and advantages offered to those who control themselves:
The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "The strong man is not the one who can overpower others (in wrestling); rather, the strong man is the one who controls himself when he gets angry." (Reported by Ahmad, 2/236; the hadeeth is agreed upon). The greater the anger, the higher the status of the one who controls himself. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "The strongest man is the one who, when he gets angry and his face reddens and his hackles rise, is able to defeat his anger." (Reported by Imaam Ahmad, 5/367, and classified as hasan in Saheeh al-Jaami’, 3859)
Anas reported that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) passed by some people who were wrestling. He asked, "What is this?" They said: "So-and-so is the strongest, he can beat anybody." The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, "Shall I not tell you who is even stronger then him? The man who, when he is mistreated by another, controls his anger, has defeated his own shaytaan and the shaytaan of the one who made him angry." (Reported by al-Bazzaar, and Ibn Hijr said its isnaad is saheeh. Al-Fath, 10/519)
(7) Following the Prophet’s example in the case of anger:
The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) is our leader and has set the highest example in this matter, as is recorded in a number of ahaadeeth. One of the most famous was reported by Anas, may Allaah be pleased with him, who said: "I was walking with the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), and he was wearing a Najraani cloak with a rough collar. A Bedouin came and seized him roughly by the edge of his cloak, and I saw the marks left on his neck by the collar. Then the Bedouin ordered him to give him some of the wealth of Allaah that he had. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) turned to him and smiled, then ordered that he should be given something." (Agreed upon. Fath al-Baari, 10/375)
Another way in which we can follow the example of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) is by making our anger for the sake of Allaah, when His rights are violated. This is the kind of anger which is praiseworthy. So the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) became angry when he was told about the imaam who was putting people off the prayer by making it too long; when he saw a curtain with pictures of animate creatures in ‘Aa’ishah’s house; when Usaamah spoke to him about the Makhzoomi woman who had been convicted of theft, and he said "Do you seek to intervene concerning one of the punishments prescribed by Allaah?"; when he was asked questions that he disliked, and so on. His anger was purely for the sake of Allaah.
(8) Knowing that resisting anger is one of the signs of righteousness (taqwaa):
The righteous (al-muttaqoon) are those praised by Allaah in the Qur’aan and by His Messenger (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him). Paradise as wide as heaven and earth has been prepared for them. One of their characteristics is that they (interpretation of the meaning) "spend (in Allaah’s Cause) in prosperity and in adversity, [they] repress anger, and [they] pardon men; verily, Allaah loves al-muhsinoon (the good-doers)." [Aal ‘Imraan 3:134]
These are the ones whose good character and beautiful attributes and deeds Allaah has mentioned, and whom people admire and want to emulate. One of their characteristics is that (interpretation of the meaning) ". . . when they are angry, they forgive." [al-Shooraa 42:47]
(9) Listening to reminders:
Anger is a part of human nature, and people vary in their anger. It may be difficult for a man not to get angry, but sincere people will remember Allaah when they are reminded, and they will not overstep the mark. Some examples follow:
Ibn ‘Abbaas (may Allaah be pleased with him) reported that a man sought permission to speak to ‘Umar ibn al-Khattaab (may Allaah be pleased with him), then he said: "O son of al-Khattaab, you are not giving us much and you are not judging fairly between us." ‘Umar (may Allaah be pleased with him) was so angry that he was about to attack the man, but al-Hurr ibn Qays, who was one of those present, said: "O Ameer al-Mu’mineen, Allaah said to His Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) (interpretation of the meaning): ‘Show forgiveness, enjoin what is good, and turn away from the foolish’ [al-A’raaf 7:199]. This man is one of the foolish." By Allaah, ‘Umar could go no further after al-Hurr had recited this aayah to him, and he a man who was careful to adhere to the Book of Allaah. (Reported by al-Bukhaari, al-Fath, 4/304).
This is how the Muslim should be. The evil munaafiq (hypocrite) was not like this when he was told the hadeeth of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and one of the Companions said to him, "Seek refuge with Allaah from the Shaytaan." He said to the one who reminded him, "Do you think I am crazy? Go away!" (Reported by al-Bukhaari, al-Fath, 1/465). We seek refuge with Allaah from failure.
(10) Knowing the bad effects of anger:
The negative effects of anger are many; in short they cause damage to one’s own self and to others. The angry person may utter words of slander and obscenity, he may attack others (physically) in an uncontrolled manner, even to the point of killing. The following story contains a valuable lesson:
‘Ilqimah ibn Waa’il reported that his father (may Allaah be pleased with him) told him: "I was sitting with the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) when a man came to him leading another man by a rope. He said, ‘O Messenger of Allaah, this man killed my brother.’ The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) asked him, ‘Did you kill him?’ He said, ‘Yes, I killed him.’ He asked, ‘How did you kill him?’ He said, ‘He and I were hitting a tree to make the leaves fall, for animal feed, and he slandered me, so I struck him on the side of the head with an axe, and killed him.’ . . ." (Reported by Muslim, 1307, edited by al-Baaqi).
Anger could lead to less than killing, such as wounding and breaking bones. If the one who caused the anger runs away, the angry person turns his anger in on himself, so he may tear his clothes, or strike his cheeks, or have a fit, or fall unconscious, or he may break dishes and plates, or break furniture.
In the worst cases, anger results in social disasters and the breaking of family ties, i.e., divorce. Ask many of those who divorced their wives, and they will tell you: it was in a moment of anger. This divorce results in misery for the children, regret and frustration, a hard and difficult life, all as a result of anger. If they had remembered Allaah, come to their senses, restrained their anger and sought refuge with Allaah, none of this would have happened. Going against the sharee’ah only results in loss.
The damage to health that results from anger can only be described by doctors, such as thrombosis, high blood pressure, tachycardia (abnormally rapid heartbeat) and hyperventilation (rapid, shallow breathing), which can lead to fatal heart attacks, diabetes, etc. We ask Allaah for good health.
(11) The angry person should think about himself during moments of anger:
If the angry person could see himself in the mirror when he is angry, he would hate himself and the way he looks. If he could see the way he changes, and the way his body and limbs shake, how his eyes glare and how out of control and crazy his behaviour is, he would despise himself and be revolted by his own appearance. It is well-known that inner ugliness is even worse than outer ugliness; how happy the Shaytaan must be when a person is in this state! We seek refuge with Allaah from the Shaytaan and from failure.
(12) Du’aa’:
Du’aa’ is always the weapon of the believer, whereby he asks Allaah to protect him from evil, trouble and bad behaviour and seeks refuge with Him from falling into the pit of kufr or wrongdoing because of anger. One of the three things that can help save him is: being fair at times of contentment and of anger (Saheeh al-Jaami’, 3039). One of the du’aa’s of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) was:
"O Allaah, by Your knowledge of the Unseen and Your power over Your creation, keep me alive for as long as You know life is good for me, and cause me to die when You know death is good for me. O Allaah, I ask You to make me fear You in secret and in public, and I ask You to make me speak the truth in times of contentment and of anger. I ask You not to let me be extravagant in poverty or in prosperity. I ask You for continuous blessings, and for contentment that does not end. I ask You to let me accept Your decree, and for a good life after death. I ask You for the joy of seeing Your face and for the longing to meet You, without going through diseases and misguiding fitnah (trials). O Allaah, adorn us with the adornment of faith and make us among those who are guided. Praise be to Allaah, the Lord of the Worlds."
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