Help..

Discussion in 'Women, Family, and Marriage' started by Amatullaah07, Jul 24, 2015.

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What would you do in this situation?

Poll closed Jul 31, 2015.
  1. Divorce

    1 vote(s)
    50.0%
  2. Carry on with the marriage

    1 vote(s)
    50.0%
  1. Amatullaah07
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    Amatullaah07 Member

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    Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullaahi wa Barakaatuhu my sisters,

    I am in dire need for some sincere advise regarding my marriage and this is the sole reason why I signed up for this website Alhamdulillaah.

    My husband and I have been married for almost two years now. When we first got married I found him to be very possessive which I thought was normal until he'd start to accuse me of looking at men on the street. (I have to mention that I am short sighted and as I wear niqaab, I do not wear my glasses - so for this reason he'd assume that I would be looking at men when in reality I can hardly make anything out). We would have arguments which would sometimes make him get physically violent towards me. Since then, I would make extra effort to make it extremely evident to turn my whole head towards him if any men were around or I would just look down in the car and not look outside (which would make me get nauseous as I get travel sick at times). Regardless, to avoid an argument I would do it to make him feel secure. After a while, this calmed down a lot Alhamdulillah. I had made lots of dua that Allah strengthens the bond between us.

    I had seen him looking at women on the street but when I'd confront him about it and tell him to lower his gaze he would become so defensive and violent that he would start shouting at me in the car.. He'd make me so scared that I had lost the courage to even confront him again so whenever it happened again I would just compose myself and ignore it even though it really played in my head.

    Months went by and we had an otherwise good relationship. He has anger problems and he knows it's a defect in him which he has to change which I commend him for as he accepts his fault when we have an argument. Many nights since the beginning of our marriage he would stay up all night and claim that he just wants to stay up till fajr so he doesn't miss it. He would also have many showers during the day claiming that it was "to wake himself up as he was tired". I would notice that he would almost always be on his phone aswell. This was when I started to become suspicious. He gave me his phone one day to search something and I had noticed that strange links were coming up under the search engine as suggested from his history.. I went on one of the links and discovered that it was several pornographic sites. The word itself makes me feel sick.
    I confronted him the same night and I said that he should've deleted his history before he gave me his phone, he became embarrassed straight away, I could see it on his face but he denied it completely.. Until he saw that there was no point in lying anymore and seeing how hurt I was. He was quiet for a long time then he apologised. I asked him if he wasn't happy with me, he replied he was and it was nothing to do with me and that it had been an addiction since he was 17/18. I was so hurt, I had lost my self esteem and confidence and most importantly I had lost my trust in him. My respect for him had already began to deteriorate when I saw the violent side of him. This was all something I had feared being in a marriage because I had only heard stories like this.

    I decided we would stay apart for a few days just so I could clear my head and have some space. He agreed to this and said that he would make tawbah and change for the best and that maybe he needed me to find out so he would finally stop once and for all. He is a very practising person, and prays and fasts and always seeks knowledge and teaches aswell MaaShaaAllaah.

    During this time I had contemplated and then went back to his house. Recently now I saw him staring at indecently clothed women and I confronted him again, he denied it all at first and then admitted that maybe he does have a problem controlling his gaze. I asked him again if he wasn't happy with me and again he replied that it was nothing to do with me and that he was offended by my question.

    Allah knows best if the fault is on my part, but I would just like to clarify that I do make an effort for him, I don't refuse his physical rights but he mentioned to me that his desires had increased after marriage, which I don't neglect.
    Regarding second marriage, he said he'd only marry again if I had a friend or I knew someone who was in a difficult situation and if it was brought to him by me.
    I shop online and try my best not to go to shopping centres and places like that to avoid these situations as that is where the most fitnah is.
    Being a woman who covers from head to toe, I asked him if he'd like it if other men were to stare at me had I not been covered as I am. I just feel so lost and down and so unappreciated. I just don't know if I can continue like this anymore although he always says he will change.

    If you have read all the way upto here, thank you so much for your time, advise is much appreciated.
    Last edited: Jul 24, 2015
  2. Matn_husn
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    Matn_husn Junior Member

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