How do you deal with your parents?

Ibn Uthaymin

Junior member
How do you deal with your parents unruly demands of getting straight A`s in exams [Mod Edit], telling you to do this and that, not asking whether you want to do something or not, and constant arguments which seem impossible to resolve?

I swear my parents are driving me nuts! They no naff all about the education system (never been through it + absolutely no support!) and are always question me where I am, who Im with and all.

They cant even speak English properly and are always criticizing stuff. Seriously, if you have so much free time why don`t you go learn Arabic or do something constructive with your life and prioritize that over anything else. My mum talks about religion all day, but she doesn't even know a sentence of Arabic. [Mod Edit]

Someone please tell me what to do...Im so frustrated.


Staff member

I'm going to be starkly honest here, because I do believe you're quite at the point of understanding this much. As much as you might be angry or frustrated or whatever else, remember they are your parents and please moderate your tone akhi. After Allaah subhanahu wa ta`ala these are the people you owe much of your priorities and responsibilities to! They have been given a divine status, and however much we don't know what to do, a better way is oft to remove ourselves from the situation which makes us angry and return only when we can be just with our words. I know you are seeking advice and venting a bit, and we've all done this, but at least next time be aware of the tone and words used sah? BarakAllaahu feek.

Afterward I'm going to give you my own experience and opinion for these affairs. I'm not going to put myself forward as a prime example, because I'm far from thus, and May Allaah aid all of us in doing right by our parents, but many of us in our own cultures have faced similar reactions. And you see, the fact of the matter is... it's many times a matter of perception I've realized.

The older you get, the more you truly appreciate the saying that 'you never really know a person until you walk a mile (or more!) in their shoes'. Being so, I'd be good to take this chance now, and break away from who you are at this moment and plant yourself in your own parents' shoes, or better yet, create a scenario with your own children. You're living in a land you were not born in, with a language you're not proficient in, probably have faced many troubles and problems along the way for both the afore stated reasons, have worked hard to establish a family and a home, and have a child. Would you want that child to face the same difficulties as yourself? Do you want that child to grow up and be given less opportunities? Do you want others to look down on him, as perhaps sometimes you feel looked down on because 'you cant even speak English properly'? Would you want your child to be somewhere you dont know? Are not sure of? Cannot protect? Sure, sometimes certain motivations are less than pure, and may feel stifling but on the whole parents care deeply for their child and their child's future.

To us, at times it might feel intrusive, like 'busy-bodies' ... but with your own child, would you do any less? Parents want to guide and direct their children to the ways that they feel is the best, and yes sometimes these might not be the same things a child feels is right. But also imagine then as a parent, how is it that you would like your child to react to that?

I won't pretend to know all, or understand all of it, but do take the time to understand another perception, because it is many times this understanding which creates bridges. Take the time to personally proffer information to your mother, tell her about your day, rely on her, speak to her, take time to hear out her concerns and reply to them and what you are doing to best that. Don't point out her flaws and look at them, arrogance is the bane of much good, and as much as you may have done in your life, you could not make up for her care while bearing and raising you. How many sleepless nights have you spent caring for her?

And in today's societies unfortunately I see a lot that children make time for friends and school and work, and so many other 'necessities' when older but then neglect the very ones nearest to them. Empty homes which seem more like dorms than households... I would say take some time out to spend with your parents, and find ways to maturely respond to their concerns. If you truly wish for her to learn Arabic, by way of care, offer to learn together, want to spend some time with her.

One of the biggest fears with people is the unknown, and if you do a bit to ease that worry, spend more time together in positive activities, ask them to correct you, ask for their opinion, their advice (and be willing to accept and compromise a bit!), show them the love and respect you have for them, ask for their du`aa (I'm sure you know the importance of a mother's dua for her child!) and make Du`aa to Allaah that you may due justice by them and that He eases their way with you, then perhaps things may change. But it requires change and action. You can't change other people, but you can change yourself inshaAllaah.

And even if things do not change, then remember the hadeeth which tell you to look not to those 'better' off supposedly, but worse off. Your parents have not neglected to feed you, to care for you, to provide shelter, the provisions to study and become who you are, have not abused you, don't do drugs or drink, with all the things which they have done and continue to do... what are these little affairs in the scheme of things?

Wallaahi I'm not trying to pick on you, I do understand and have gone through many bouts of frustration, and for you this still may not be the last time you feel it, but always recall that patience is one of the greatest virtues, and if even through hardship you return to your parents with the best of manners, you will be highly rewarded. Don't lose out the chance to grasp something that valuable that's that near to you!

May Allaah aid you in all your affairs, and help rectify and strengthen the bond between you and your parents (as well as with us and all of ours). Ameen.

Abu Talib

Feeling low

Akhee please don't even dare to point a finger on your parents. Believe me I used to think the same as you today I regret every single thing I thought and I wish Allaah just forgives me we can't imagine what all they bared for our upbringing. Today I certainly believe all my failures is just because I argued, talked back, angered at my parents. Hadn't I be good and made them happy their Du'aa for me would never be rejected by Allaah. Believe me if you want success and numbers then ask your mother to make Du'aa for you.
They might not know English but its because of their efforts you learned to speak today what if they hadn't put you in school or made you learn to talk when you were a baby?.

We should Ponder and heed to this
“And We have enjoined on man to be good to his parents. In travail upon travail did his mother bear him and in two years was his weaning. Show gratitude to Me and to your parents. To Me is the final goal. But if they strive to make you join in worship with Me things of which you have no knowledge, obey them not. Yet bear them company in this life in a goodly manner.” [Sûrah Luqmân: 14-15]

…No mother should be harmed through her child, and no father through his child…” [Quran 2: 233]
“And your Lord has decreed that you not worship except Him, and to parents, good treatment. Whether one or both of them reach old age [while] with you, say not to them [so much as], "uff," and do not repel them but speak to them a noble word.” [Quran 17: 23]
There are many Hadeeth that point out obedience to our parents also. I know I cannot exactlly comprehend whats going on you but whatever it may we can't just rant about our parents. Instead try to say your parents your having difficulty to study or your trying hard to come up with their expectations best would be just say your parents to make Du'aa for you believe me Allaah won't reject a mother's Du'aa.

Our parents want us to be good they have all right to ask us whom we sit and go around they have the responsibility of our upbringing tomorrow they would be questioned about it if we go astray.

Please just bare it at any cost just listen to them and keep quiet just do whatever it takes to take their Du'aa for you the best thing in this world.

Really I just cry for those moment I had been undutiful and behaved bad to my parents. Its the same mother that took our burden and pain for those months so how can we get frustrated about her??

Please I am not making you the culprit it just I feel the same about myself too

Shaikh Salih al-Fawzaan: He who is disobedient to his parents will get children who will be disobedient to him in this life and the punishment in the hereafter is even more severe. (al-Ittihaf p. 834)


Junior Member
Someone please tell me what to do...Im so frustrated.

Brother Ibn Uthaymin, :salam2:

My only advice will be, do not do any thing which you will regret later, when your parents will not be here in this world any more.

Every time I listen to the following lecture, I cry, and wish I my parents were still alive. Unfortunately, I did not have the luck to listen to it before and my services towards them were far short:



Junior Member
You think you got bad parents.There are some people who get beaten every day by their own parents.

In your situation i can only advise you patience.Sometimes emotional pain crosses it's line and we no longer care about it because we can't cure it.You just need to ignore their behaviour.By the question it seems that problem is not in you but in your parents.
If you understand what their problem is then your life will also become easier to live.


Junior Member
The last thing I'm gonna do is judge you..I have had my fair share of problems with my dad. I get perfectly well with my mom but I think we all have a specific parent we don't see eye to eye with...I would just say they are your parents so don't be hostile..calm down and just see it from their perspective..they want you to do good in school because they probably never had the opportunity YOU DO! Parents want better than they chill and just try to respect them...You sound just like my brother btw when you go on about them doing something with their time and always asking where you are...I think you should just need some time to chill and think...


Assalaam walaikum,

You poor little thing. You, who have parents, and they are so out dated and old fashioned and such hypocrites, are frustrated by them. They who put a roof over your head and food in your mouth.
As Muslims they want you to strive to excel. They are asking you to be responsible.

Maybe you need to go back and comprehend paradise is at your mothers feet.


Junior Member
Some people have mental problems like paranoia and some other physcological problems.So they create problems for other people.Once you understand what's wrong with that person and what his/her problem is,it becomes easier to deal with them.You can't change your parents behaviour easily but you can try to understand why they do,what they are doing.

Your life will become more easier.


Junior Member
Just see straight in her eyes,you will realize the vision she has for you.
Just put your head on her chest,you will realize how deep her heart beats worrying about you.
Just catch her hand,you will realize this is softest touch that is for you
Just realize the first drop of milk you fed upon,you will realize how she brought up you.
Just realize once you were a part of her body for nine months,you will realize,it is the only true selfless love for you.



Junior Member
Wow, what horrible parents

I mean they want you to get good grades?! They want to know where you are and who you are with so they know you are safe?! They try to instill good practice of your deen even though they themselves struggle?! What nerve!

Seriously, I wish I had that kind of parent growing up. Don't get me wrong, my mother tried the best she could. But when it came to school and personal life I was on my own, and it was lonely.


Junior Member
This situation is common and I tell u, you are not alone. Your parents love you, thats why they are behind you. You will feel this way now, but trust me..after some years you will thank them.
Get along with them..this is life and im glad you are doin good :)

Ibn Uthaymin

Junior member
Samiha, your advice is sound. Im not bragging, but Im the one playing the "forgive and forget" role. Ever since I was in Year 8/9, Ive been trying to develop a relationship based on trust..but nothing. Absolutely nothing! My efforts were completely disregarded.

And dont get me wrong. I wanna go the whole nine yards. I dont wanna leave education or anything, but its small things in life that are blown out of proportion.

But when it came to school and personal life I was on my own, and it was lonely.
I can fully empathize with that. So how did you manage? I need solutions. And allow the sarcasm, Im not up for a laugh.


Staff member
As-salaamu'Alaykum wa'Rahmatullah,

Fundamentally, we all know that parents are important, we should respect them, listen to their advices (and follow that which will benefit us) and treat them kindly.

Now, you are fortunate brother that you have parents that are interested in your education. Often, parents or siblings (in my case, my brother took this role although not fully as a parent could/should) don't have the time or health due to other commitments. Do what is required to achieve a good grade. What you interpret as pressure may simply be them wishing/doing what is necessary so that you have a better life, Insha'Allaah, than what they experienced (this is what it likely is, would a father/mother want bad upon their child?).

Also your at a sensitive age (I presume) and depending upon your situation, your parents just want what's good. They have probably seen the paths some people have taken and don't want you going the same way.

Knowing Arabic is not the be-all/end-all in Islam. It helps although it doesn't automatically make you a better person in terms of faith.

Your statement about them not being able to speak English properly, seriously, I don't think I have ever read something, apart from the Qur'aan and Hadeeths that has made me 'well-up'. Just think about those occasions where the little English your Mum/Dad did know helped in situations when you were not able. I recall many occasions and times you would be worried, there was mum/dad to save the day. (If your parents hail from South Asia, living in the UK, this probably happened)

This translates into them wanting good for you.

You need to understand where your parents hail from and where/who they have learned from. Predominantly it is influenced by their parents and culture/traditions. Arguably, they had no other source to learn from and know no better (I don't mean to degrade our parents).

I think that our parents generation has suffered from showing affection and communicating. There is this implicit love although from my childhood (and many others, most likely) it didn't really get displayed. That isn't to say it didn't exist, of course it did, it would show itself on sporadic occasions, but it was different to what you saw from others.

However, our parents have gone through so much and why? (For their children). Therefore, it doesn't feel right to hold that against them. But, it does make it difficult when you need to show affection to them. Arguably you have grown up without it, so you don't know how to show it/fearful/not used to it.

And, yes, there is politics and this 'honour'. This is difficult in offering advice. I refer to my example as some guidance (I don't like doing this because using your own example, I have read, can be ineffective in someways, I don't know if that's true).

Just like most families hailing from South Asia (maintaining honour, not going beyond the rigid norms and following traditions is important). One way of getting past this is educating your family (Mum's are most likely more often to listen) through Qur'aan and Sunnah.

My brother in particular would share nice and inspiring hadeeths. (He was more able than I because my language skills were not as good). For example, hadeeths about death, the grave, the day of resurrection, having fear of Allah (subhaanahu wa ta'aala) etc. I don't know how it happened (probably because of the bit before), but sometimes me and my mum would have a conversation about fearing Allah and its importance. Its kind of funny, I always feel I inherited my Mum's tendency to expect the worst.

I never thought I could ever have such a conversation/connect with my mum.

This isn't possible with my dad due to his ill health and speech impairment. However, look at his example from a few years ago. For example, it would be Jumu'ah and I would be putting my trainers on and he would ask (nearly every time I would go out), 'Where are you going', I would say, 'It's Jumu'ah today, I'm off to the Masjid'. Then he would say, 'Ahhhh, that's good and important'. He has had a really difficult life but you wouldn't believe what kind of achievements he earned in his early life (what he had to go through which is probably similar to your dad) and he is still fighting. I pray to Allah that his illnesses (current and previous) will expiate all his sins.

(I know the point above may not fully relate but I'm saying, your parents only want what is good for you).

I say the same to you. Educate with the help from someone older (if necessary, like an older brother) and share important points from the Qur'aan and Sunnah with your parents. It will help erode slightly those fixed notions they have. This is difficult. (My brother, (understands what tradition says and what we have grown up with) consistently share's important points from the Qur'aan and Sunnah with my mum that has helped reduce the forcefulness of some issues that kids face with parents from South Asia. You can see it compared to before).

Please don't misinterpret, I don't refer to all parents like this and i don't attribute them to one place.

Overall, work hard with studies, use what your parents are saying (to do well) as impetus and try to inform them that you are working hard. (I realise this could be difficult, you could be working hard and they might say, 'Are you/Have you studied?' after an hour of working! You have to be patient. Whether this scenario occurs or not, I don't know, it is an example).

I hope I have made sense.


La Illaha Illa Allah
Staff member
As-salaamu'Alaykum wa'Rahmatullah,

This isn't possible with my dad due to his ill health and speech impairment. However, look at his example from a few years ago. For example, it would be Jumu'ah and I would be putting my trainers on and he would ask (nearly every time I would go out), 'Where are you going', I would say, 'It's Jumu'ah today, I'm off to the Masjid'. Then he would say, 'Ahhhh, that's good and important'. He has had a really difficult life but you wouldn't believe what kind of achievements he earned in his early life (what he had to go through which is probably similar to your dad) and he is still fighting. I pray to Allah that his illnesses (current and previous) will expiate all his sins.


Ameen.. May Allah azz zawajal give him complete shifa'a. Ameen

Very touching post and sound advice MashaAllah.. JazakAllahu Khayran..

Wasalaamalaykum waa rahmatullahi


Love Fishing
As salamu 'alaikum waramathulah wabarakathu

I am a mother of 2 years old boy.One day in sha Allah when he grows up,I would do the same as your parents are doing. This is the nature of parents. I would constantly question his location(this world is no longer a safe place for any of us),I will constantly pressure him to get good results(perhaps all As).

I don't care if one day my son going to complaint about me in a forum because the time for him to go through the same situation will come in sha Allah.

All the parents want the best for their children. Complaining about parents is the nature of children but again there is a proper way of doing it(alhamdulilah your post has been edditted before I read).

What takes you to Jannah?Going after your dream or pleasing your parents?Ask yourself and you would know what to do.

Educated parents and non educated parents have different way of raising their children. Lets be patience with them because whatever goes around comes around.

Allah knowsthe best
As salamu 'alaikum waramathulah wabarakathu


Junior Member
as I am reading your story, I picture atypical westernized teenage that does not understand their parents from another culture ( believe me being there ), believe me when i say one day you will wake up realize why your parents do what they do, how this is their way of showing that they care for you and want what is best for you. just stop and think what their actions are saying. Be grateful you have parents that care for you, that are worried about where you are going. remember it is Shanta blowing this out of proportion for you. please be patient and be respectful and understanding to your parents. They dont know the language and what they know about this new culture is through TV and what others tell them. as a parent it is VERY intimidating to rise your child in a culture/language you do not understand. take this advice from someone who has been there and still is. talk to your parent and fine a common ground with them. good luck!