I am LOSING IT!!!!

[dianek]

Asalaam Aleikum,
OK....here I am with my 3 smaller children and all they do is cry and fight and I am at the end of my rope.....I can't even speak nicely to them anymore today......I just want them to be quiet and go to bed! I can't explain it but sometimes I get so overcome with RAGE.......God forgive me.....but today when driving them home from the sitters.....they were screaming and hitting each other and ignoring me....I had this terrible thought of just driving into a tree to make them be quiet.......WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!!!!!!!! I love them I do, but sometimes this ANGER and this feeling of helplessness overcomes me. They ignore me and it infuriates me to be so dismissed by them. I AM THE PARENT....but to hear them you would think it is the other way around......

They actually said to me "If you don't take us to McD's for a cookie and milkshake we'll tell Baba to push your head into the wall...." WHY? WHY are they like this? Sometimes, individually they can be so sweet and loving but they act as though they have leverage over me. And they have seen things between their father and I and refer to them as in the above quote......

What can I do to edge of this RAGE and step back without depending on "happy pills"..........Allah please forgive me and give me patience and teach me demand respect from my children. Thanks for listening..

 

[Aapa]

Salaam,

Slow down. Slow down. Slow down. You are on the fast track. Children pick up on the stress of the mother. They just mirrored what they felt. You were stressed and they acted out.
Not fair to anyone. You have to be calm with your children. You have to free yourself from the unnatural stress of work. As a worker you can be replaced immediately. Your children need you. They are the most important things in your life.
What they are telling you is: we miss mommy. They go to school and daycare. You pick them up and they are angry. They do not want a babysitter. They need you. They need the hugs and kisses and love and sitting on your lap. They need to tell you what they experienced. They need to shut the duyna out and be with you to just be.
When was the last time you took a day off work and spent it with the kids doing dumb stuff? When was the last time you decided having an all day pj party with the kids watching movies, baking cookies and eating junk was worth more than a million dollars.
When was the last time you filled the tub with bubbles and put the kids in there just to play and you rubbed them. They are asking for your time.

 

[dianek]

Salaam,

Slow down. Slow down. Slow down. You are on the fast track. Children pick up on the stress of the mother. They just mirrored what they felt. You were stressed and they acted out.
Not fair to anyone. You have to be calm with your children. You have to free yourself from the unnatural stress of work. As a worker you can be replaced immediately. Your children need you. They are the most important things in your life.
What they are telling you is: we miss mommy. They go to school and daycare. You pick them up and they are angry. They do not want a babysitter. They need you. They need the hugs and kisses and love and sitting on your lap. They need to tell you what they experienced. They need to shut the duyna out and be with you to just be.
When was the last time you took a day off work and spent it with the kids doing dumb stuff? When was the last time you decided having an all day pj party with the kids watching movies, baking cookies and eating junk was worth more than a million dollars.
When was the last time you filled the tub with bubbles and put the kids in there just to play and you rubbed them. They are asking for your time.

I don't have that time! That is just it! And I can't just quit working.....I pay the bills...if he had to do it alone he could not! My kids need health insurance, he can't provide that as I can through my job. So what I lack in time I make up in giving them the things they need. Let me just say that I am not a "nurturer".....it isn't in me.....the way I nurture is to provide them with a clean environment, clean clothes, the stuff no one else will do. I need my job. Work doesn't stress me out, it gives me PEACE in the day! It is there fighting and bickering and them talking to me like a dog that drives me insane. Even my oldest, who never ONCE went to daycare or a sitter acts the same way to me. I am the ONLY one that disciplines them and so I am the one they hate......I get home at 6PM....from there.....cook, feed them, get them bathed in a mad rush, do the 5 year olds homework in between pacifiying the baby....I can't wait for 8 to come so they will go to bed.......I do feel I am a terrible mother....it breaks my heart......but working is not a choice it is a must. And I just can't keep all the balls up in the air anymore. To top it off, my husband is now working until 8 ish at night so he is NO help to me. He and I spend NO time together in the evening because as soon as he walks in he goes straight to the kids, eats and then sits here watching soccer on dailymotion.com.........I am tired and just at a loss......My baby Norah, though, she makes me smile....as she can't yell at me yet. I feel so dismissed and devalued by them....they don't see all that I DO DO for them......they have no idea.

 

[shaheeda35]

:salam2:
Welcome to parenthood!! what they said was wrong, but kids only repeat what they hear. Kids do say crazy things, only because they hear it from us or the TV. Kids will get on your nerves, that is life!! I have an autistic child, and you cant imagine what I go through with him alone and i have two girls AND a single parent trying to make everyone happy!! Give your kids a hug and kiss and tell them that you love them, that might just make their day.

 

[dianek]

:salam2:
Welcome to parenthood!! what they said was wrong, but kids only repeat what they hear. Kids do say crazy things, only because they hear it from us or the TV. Kids will get on your nerves, that is life!! I have an autistic child, and you cant imagine what I go through with him alone and i have two girls AND a single parent trying to make everyone happy!! Give your kids a hug and kiss and tell them that you love them, that might just make their day.

I feel ya! and I do tell them day and night I love them....but then they go back to the way they were. I know that my husband's actions in the past influence their behavior as they see that I have cowered to him on occasion in fear, so I guess they think it scares me into giving them their way. doesn't work though, makes me more angry with the. I just can't wait until they are all old enough to entertain themselves quietly.......My parents would have knocked my teeth down my throat if I acted like my kids act to me. But now that is considered abuse.....parents are somewhat afraid to punish children anymore, myself included.

If I could stay home MAYBE it would be different, but then a whole new set of worries (finances etc.).....

God Bless you and your children. Thank God my children are all healthy albeit trying.....

 

[huda2]

Salaam,

Slow down. Slow down. Slow down. You are on the fast track. Children pick up on the stress of the mother. They just mirrored what they felt. You were stressed and they acted out.
Not fair to anyone. You have to be calm with your children. You have to free yourself from the unnatural stress of work. As a worker you can be replaced immediately. Your children need you. They are the most important things in your life.
What they are telling you is: we miss mommy. They go to school and daycare. You pick them up and they are angry. They do not want a babysitter. They need you. They need the hugs and kisses and love and sitting on your lap. They need to tell you what they experienced. They need to shut the duyna out and be with you to just be.
When was the last time you took a day off work and spent it with the kids doing dumb stuff? When was the last time you decided having an all day pj party with the kids watching movies, baking cookies and eating junk was worth more than a million dollars.
When was the last time you filled the tub with bubbles and put the kids in there just to play and you rubbed them. They are asking for your time.

:salam2:

Well said sis mirajmom :ma::ma:.

 

[Aapa]

Salaam,

If you do what we suggested it will ease your life. However, you have to brave it out. Make time. We all do it. I give myself timeevery day. This is my time. I wake up 45 minutes before my sons so I can pray and read my Quran. I wake them up and I refuse to be rushed. I made that decision. I make breakfast; we eat; we smile; we laugh and we kiss before we leave the house. I drop them to school and I go to work. I purchase a cup of coffee and enjoy it. I drink it slowly. When I come home I give myself a minute to pray and get on the computer. We do the kid stuff. We eat. We bathe and it is reading and bed time. I have a 45 minute period to myself.
Yes, we have bad moments...but we get over them. They are my treasures. When I die they will be the ones whose prayers will give me relief in the grave. Let me cherish them for Allah blessed me with them..and when they come and hug you out of the blue..what innoncent and gentle love that is.

 

[dianek]

Salaam,

If you do what we suggested it will ease your life. However, you have to brave it out. Make time. We all do it. I give myself timeevery day. This is my time. I wake up 45 minutes before my sons so I can pray and read my Quran. I wake them up and I refuse to be rushed. I made that decision. I make breakfast; we eat; we smile; we laugh and we kiss before we leave the house. I drop them to school and I go to work. I purchase a cup of coffee and enjoy it. I drink it slowly. When I come home I give myself a minute to pray and get on the computer. We do the kid stuff. We eat. We bathe and it is reading and bed time. I have a 45 minute period to myself.
Yes, we have bad moments...but we get over them. They are my treasures. When I die they will be the ones whose prayers will give me relief in the grave. Let me cherish them for Allah blessed me with them..and when they come and hug you out of the blue..what innoncent and gentle love that is.

How do you handle a 3 year old crying about everything then you give her what she wants and then she cries about it to. An 11 year old who thinks she is my friend and not a child and acts so. A 5 year old who runs and jumps and hits his sister constantly? I just want my kids to be good kids. I am very much counting down for the 3 and 5 to leave with their father Monday for Tunis......They will be gone for a month and a half.....I guess you will think I am selfish but I really am looking forward to decompressing during this time. I do feel that you see me as being self-serving, I am not. There is only so much I can do in a day for everybody before I am burnt out. I am so tired when they go to bed that I go to bed and in the morning I am always RUSHED because I hate to be late in the mornings especially when it is someone else's fault....like my son dragging his feet and acting incompetent in the morning when I am trying to get him in the car to drop at the bus. And I don't want to depend on Lexapro or wellbutrin to "take the edge off"......If my husband would just do more and expect less.......maybe it would be better.

 

[Aapa]

Salaam,

Let me repeat myself..SLOW DOWN..I am not seeing you as anything but worn down. Slow down. All mothers go through it. Let me be real for a minute. My husband and I are working things out and at this time as it has been for the past six months I am on my own. So I am mommy, daddy, cook, laundry person, cleaner, nurse and doctor. Things do go wrong.
However, I start to laugh. It works better. My 11 year old hates to wake up..I have to hug him up and turn him towards the bathroom or else he will end up in the closet. My almost 13 year old knows he is the man in the house and I have to remind him to bursh his teeth or else mommy will do it. Two nights ago I walked home and was told we had to go to the parade in one hour and I had to go to the music store to get a piece for the instrument. All I wanted to do was go to the bathroom. I had to walk 2 miles with a sore ankle. I did it. Why. Because I am a mother.
No-one is pointing fingers, actually we are welcoming you to the club.
As for husbands..InshaAllah when my husband comes home..I will have the house looking like a room out of Southern Living..I will have fresh flowers, incense burning, candles lit, I will perpare his favorite meal, the boys will look good for two minutes, and I might even take time to comb my hair and put on some perfume. I do this each time he visits us. I count each second as an additional blessing from Allah subhana talla. Because of all my roles in life being wife and mother are the creme de la creme. And yes, I will wash the clothes, and dishes, and kiss the boys good night and then sit on the sofa with my husband and rest my head on his shoulder and silently from the bottom of my heart say Alhumdullila for at that moment I will have heaven and earth at the same time.

 

[ShyHijabi]

Salaam,

It sounds like you are a single parent in a two adult home. The time has come for you two to sit down with the kids somewhere else (at a relatives for a few hours maybe) and discuss a more equitable division of responsibilities. Instead of him sitting in front of the TV, why doesn't he bathe the kids while you cook? And before you say he will refuse to do this I recommend you turn off the TV and sit on front of him and tell him how close to breaking you are.

You sound completely frazzled and overwhelmed, which in itself is a normal reaction to the daily stress of being a mother. But when you cross the line and think of driving your car into a tree then there has to be a change NOW. This situation is clearly reaching crises and it is time to have a complete overhaul of how things are done in the house. Frankly it sounds liek the TV needs to be chucked but given your husband's past behavior this may not be a viable option.

It's time for you two to work as partners and for your children to benefit from having two parents. Do you think your children deserve the best? Yes? Then don't you think their mother should be treated well? These are retorical questions but I ask them bc too many times mother's think of themselves as less deserving of proper care because they are so selfless. But if their mother is feeling stress and strain then it will bleed over into the entire household.

Wasalaam

~Sarah

 

[Faisal_01]

Asalaam Aleikum,
OK....here I am with my 3 smaller children and all they do is cry and fight and I am at the end of my rope.....I can't even speak nicely to them anymore today......I just want them to be quiet and go to bed! I can't explain it but sometimes I get so overcome with RAGE.......God forgive me.....but today when driving them home from the sitters.....they were screaming and hitting each other and ignoring me....I had this terrible thought of just driving into a tree to make them be quiet.......WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!!!!!!!! I love them I do, but sometimes this ANGER and this feeling of helplessness overcomes me. They ignore me and it infuriates me to be so dismissed by them. I AM THE PARENT....but to hear them you would think it is the other way around......

They actually said to me "If you don't take us to McD's for a cookie and milkshake we'll tell Baba to push your head into the wall...." WHY? WHY are they like this? Sometimes, individually they can be so sweet and loving but they act as though they have leverage over me. And they have seen things between their father and I and refer to them as in the above quote......

What can I do to edge of this RAGE and step back without depending on "happy pills"..........Allah please forgive me and give me patience and teach me demand respect from my children. Thanks for listening..

:salam2:

If you are complaining about your kids now....imagine how it will be when they become teenagers lol. I look forward to seeing you posts then

 

[dianek]

Salaam,

It sounds like you are a single parent in a two adult home. The time has come for you two to sit down with the kids somewhere else (at a relatives for a few hours maybe) and discuss a more equitable division of responsibilities. Instead of him sitting in front of the TV, why doesn't he bathe the kids while you cook? And before you say he will refuse to do this I recommend you turn off the TV and sit on front of him and tell him how close to breaking you are.

You sound completely frazzled and overwhelmed, which in itself is a normal reaction to the daily stress of being a mother. But when you cross the line and think of driving your car into a tree then there has to be a change NOW. This situation is clearly reaching crises and it is time to have a complete overhaul of how things are done in the house. Frankly it sounds liek the TV needs to be chucked but given your husband's past behavior this may not be a viable option.

It's time for you two to work as partners and for your children to benefit from having two parents. Do you think your children deserve the best? Yes? Then don't you think their mother should be treated well? These are retorical questions but I ask them bc too many times mother's think of themselves as less deserving of proper care because they are so selfless. But if their mother is feeling stress and strain then it will bleed over into the entire household.

Wasalaam

~Sarah

You are so right. It would be nice if he would step up more.......And I am in desparate mode. I have tried to ask him in the past to pick up more slack...I get from him well my mother this or that....she didn't work! And my sucesses are never recognized only what I have missed are brought up. I have been to counseling, everything.......I just have a hard time with it all. I cry often, I overeat or don't eat...forget my medications.....I just can't keep the pace anymore.....

 

[dianek]

:salam2:

If you are complaining about your kids now....imagine how it will be when they become teenagers lol. I look forward to seeing you posts then

LOL.....sorry, but just like a man to say that!!!! But thanks for the laugh anyway..........I am sending them to live with their meemaw in Tunis when they become Teens!!!!!!!!!! Tee hee!!!

 

[dianek]

Salaam,

Let me repeat myself..SLOW DOWN..I am not seeing you as anything but worn down. Slow down. All mothers go through it. Let me be real for a minute. My husband and I are working things out and at this time as it has been for the past six months I am on my own. So I am mommy, daddy, cook, laundry person, cleaner, nurse and doctor. Things do go wrong.
However, I start to laugh. It works better. My 11 year old hates to wake up..I have to hug him up and turn him towards the bathroom or else he will end up in the closet. My almost 13 year old knows he is the man in the house and I have to remind him to bursh his teeth or else mommy will do it. Two nights ago I walked home and was told we had to go to the parade in one hour and I had to go to the music store to get a piece for the instrument. All I wanted to do was go to the bathroom. I had to walk 2 miles with a sore ankle. I did it. Why. Because I am a mother.
No-one is pointing fingers, actually we are welcoming you to the club.
As for husbands..InshaAllah when my husband comes home..I will have the house looking like a room out of Southern Living..I will have fresh flowers, incense burning, candles lit, I will perpare his favorite meal, the boys will look good for two minutes, and I might even take time to comb my hair and put on some perfume. I do this each time he visits us. I count each second as an additional blessing from Allah subhana talla. Because of all my roles in life being wife and mother are the creme de la creme. And yes, I will wash the clothes, and dishes, and kiss the boys good night and then sit on the sofa with my husband and rest my head on his shoulder and silently from the bottom of my heart say Alhumdullila for at that moment I will have heaven and earth at the same time.

I am sorry you are separated currently from your husband....I pray God restores you together........

You have 2 sons though and they are at an age where they can "do for themselves" to some extent. I can't wait for them to reach that age. Develop their own interests outside of torturing each other.

 

[Aapa]

Salaam,

Thank you. It is the will of Allah. You will be ok. We are here for you. I have worked as a professional cousenlor and am doing some counseling now and I can tell you that prayer is the answer. Make time for yourself. Enjoy the "kodak moments" with the kids.
Do not expect your husband to help out. It ain't gonna happen girl. It simply ain't. But you can relax. When you are about to go crazy call out to Allah. Rid the shaytan from your area. I have stopped the car and made my sons repeat after me: I seek refuge with Allah from the evil one. It works. You are dis-spelling the evil.
Do not be swayed in by the dark force..seek the light of Allah and it will come to you. And please love you husband and please him. He is the gift Allah gave you.

 

[tabaria]

:salam2:

Get your husband more involved. Also when the younger 2 are acting up. There is nothing better then putting them in the corner for 5 mins. When i babysit my nephews who in most cases are absolutely wild the corner does the trick. The older one about 12 requires lectures and has a fear of his dad so I leverage that.

 

[chaandani]

salaam sister! i dont have any parenting expertise so i have no good advice to offer...but in the words of russell peters: "beat your children!"

 

[oumyaquine]

:salam2: my sister, well ,i red all the threads that the sister have wrote. What can I tell you? In fact ... I completly understand how you feel ; I have four children (they are 10, 8, 6,4) I love them with all my heart and i often pray Allah that He keeps them in good health and to be good muslims. Somedays they are so awfull when they come from school ,that I just can't wait for them going to wait. And as you said, my job allows me too to have a break from my house work, my obligations, my house , my husband etc...; But when I feel I'm getting angry(and I often do) I start making du'as because I know that otherwise I'll start shouting . The problem is that they don't care if I get angry,my husband just say a word and they won't move no more. Sometimes that drives me crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!! You know: You've been pregnant(hamdulillah) you suffered, you fed them and all they do is taht they don't obey when you tell them to do. Maybe we dreamt of having the perfect children ,I don't know. The fact is that I've adopted another str egy, when they do something I immediatly call my husband at work, if he cannot answer i call back later until I have him on the phone. THis weekend Amin(8) and Maryam(10) got a fight. Hamdulillah my husband was at home, he gave them 20 pages of the Sirah to copy. They haven't finish yet lol so as they have they shool work too, and the arabic lessons and their friends they are quite calms since Saturday. I don't write to tell you how to raise your kids, I won't allow myself, I don't think anyone should(except maybe your parents)Just wanted to tell taht you're not the only one with those feelings.

 

[abu turaab]

:salam2: "O those who belive in...get help(from ALLAH) with patience(steadfastness) and salaah(prayer)..this is the basic solution to any problem.well sister you should seek a professional help from some baby counselors or whatever they're called with...inshaALLAH you'll do better...just patience and time!!...may ALLAH help you through it!!!.

 

[dianek]

asalaamu Alaikum:

The 5 year old does go to Islamic school but is home every evening. Individually they are GREAT kids. They are very smart. But all together, they are just too much for me to handle. I like calm and quiet and order....and with them it is impossible to hear myself think. When we sell this house for another it is my hope to buy a big old 3 story with a basement so they can have their assigned play area and I can't hear them or see the mess in the rest of the house.....a recreation room in the basement would do nicely!!!!! Inshallah.....and a garage for my husband to retreat to so I don't have to see his messes either!!!!! And I will have PEACE and QUIET at last!