Dear sister Laura
This is my first post in this forum which I found today being led here from youtube. I have read some of the responses to your questions and they were mashallah excellent. However, I do feel that most of the responses are wide winged and my feeling that questions like yours usually need to the point answers so I'll try to put my 2 pence worth here .... Please note that I'm presenting my own point of view and understanding. I'm not by any standards knowledgable in the rulings of religion. I was born a muslim and raised in the middle east and been in the UK for few years. I'm married and expecting a boy in July !! I hope this brief background will put my answers in context.
>> Women should be obedient to their husbands. For example, I love my husband dearly but in my eyes we are equals.......and whilst I respect him and listen to him.......I stop short of being 'obedient' to him. If we truley are equals how could that work?
Well, men are equal to their mothers in terms of humanity and in front of Allah, still Islam order sons to be "obedient" to their mothers. Just by being obedient does not mean inequality. As you can see, being obedient here is clearly not a gender issue or men will always be superior to women otherwise. Obedience here comes in the context of a relationship based on mutual love and understanding as a method of resolving conflict when dialogue fails. Resolving conflicts within the family will always need someone who have the final saying otherwise the family as a unit will be dysfunctional and will lose its leadership. Islam states that the default position is that the man has the final say because Islam sees the man as the provider for the family (an obligation similar to the one put on the mother regarding her children, hence they should be obedient). This is not to say that it is always the case. The woman can take things into different routes if she feels so strongly about her point of view - all well established. The worst scenario would be to leave things chaotic which I think you will agree it is not an option.
>> A woman should join her husband in bed as he wishes. I work hard during the day and then I come home and do homely things in the evening.... but is a muslim women if my husband calls me to bed I should go to him. And sometimes I'm just not in the mood.
Fair point. Islam will oblige your husband to provide you if you decide to stop working and dedicate yourself to your home. In return, you will only have to "enjoy yourself" and this does not sound like a bad deal to me !
Who said that a muslim man have no obligation towards his wife WRT desires ? Ibn Taimeyah puts her right in intercourse above that of providing food. He does not specify and limit rather make it "up to what she feels is sufficient".
I think you will agree that man's needs are rather simplistic and instaneous (hence the way the hadith is worded), while women are sophisticated and usually need longer and more step wise approach. I guess in terms of satisfying each other, men have the hardest task but then this is my own impression.
>> A muslim woman should not go out of the house without her husband's permission. Our dog does not go out of the house wihtout my husbands permission.
Islam puts your husband in the position of responsibility towards you. As your carer I guess he has the right to know where you have been (think about the mother and son again and forget about the dog). One of the sisters has already addressed this point well.
>> woman should cover all her body bar hands and face because she is entirely awrah. I may be wrong (please feel free to correct me if I am) but I have been told the arabic translation of awrah is 'sexual organs'-the very idea that a woman's hair or arms may be equated to her private parts I find quite insulting.
My understanding is that "awrah" represnets what should be covered. This is one of the fixed aspects which I dont think we can move around with.
>> A woman should not refuse her husbands request to take additional wives I would like to ask any brothers reading this how they would feel should their wife have 1,2,or 3 other husbands.
Well, it is all down to demographics. If you have more women than men in the society then you will inevitably need a similar mechanism to polygamy. Historically -and currently- it has always been the case (especially that men used to die in wars .. etc). The western life style has no answer to this problem but a life of sluttiness which is the most demeaning to the woman ever. The other option is to be a celibate which is unfair and unnatural. I'm sure you know stories about women who had to go through lots of humiliation while chasing a relationship simply due to the fact they were in the lowest 10% in terms of desirability. Polygamy create a condition where the woman is always a wanted commodity (the word is not meant to be degratory) and always in a "buyer" rather than a "seller" position. It is a mechanism that enables women to get into stable relationships without having to humiliate themselves.
How would the 1st wife feel ? well, in the western setup, if a married man wanted another woman then what option his wife has got ? She either tries to convince him to change his mind or get a divorce. These two options are still open to the muslim woman. If anything, polygamy will empower her with another option which -although not ideal- might be the best option available.
>> A woman must not pray when she has her menses? Is she really dirty because of something natural she has been durdened with.
This question has already been addressed well.