Living away from spouse 4 1/2 months.

[zinirah]

Salam Alaykum,

I am married for 2 1/2 years now. My husband wants to live in his country, and I want to live in my country. Since we got married I have gave up my life, and lived with him in his country, and i have only went to see my family for 2 weeks, and than came back. It wasn't enough for me. Especially for all that money we spent on a ticket. Even it's not just about seeing my family, because even if they were not there anymore i would still want to live in my country. I don't like anything about the country other than the food, and the only reason why my husband wont come to my country is, because he is a "mamas boy", and his family basically needs him financially. I understand that, but i don't know why he can't just get a job, and send them money, and talk to them on skype like all the other guys do, because he has already lived in my country for 8 years before we got married and he did that before.

I cried many nights, and finally I came up with this brilliant idea that I think is good for both of us, and is fare enough. How about we split the year...for example...There is 12 months in a year. I can spend 6 months in his country with him. Than i go back to my country for 6 months, and out of those 6 months he can visit me in my country for just 1 1/2 months, because of his current job, so therefore it's like 7 1/2 months i'm with him, and only 4 1/2 months away from him. So during those 4 1/2 months i would be living with my family, and spending as much time with them. Than i would go back to him in his country, and live that disgusting oppressive lifestyle that they think is normal over there.

I think this is fare, because I obviously don't belong over there, and he thinks the same. Yes, I have tried to do everything i can to blend in, dress, and to act like them etc. but i hate it. I feel like i am giving myself up. Why can't people over there just accept me for the way i am. I don't feel i should have to sacrifice everything, family, and self. I just can't live like that for the rest of my life. This is like a 50/50 deal, and yes i will be able to handle myself for 4 months. Plus i will talk to him everyday over skype etc.

So tell me what you think....it's only 4 1/2 away for crying out loud.

 

[um muhammad al-mahdi]

Assalamu Alaykum sister,

Can I ask if both are Muslim countries?

Jazakillahu khayran

 

[zinirah]

I don't believe there is such thing as a Muslim country, but his country has a majority of Muslims / Christians. My country is bigger, and has the same amount of Muslims.

 

[Janaan]

What countries are you talking about, sister? Can you please mention names?

 

[Janaan]

I don't believe there is such thing as a Muslim country, but his country has a majority of Muslims / Christians. My country is bigger, and has the same amount of Muslims.

Actually there are plenty of Muslim countries. Yes, their leaders might be corrupt but you still can't deny that those leaders are Muslim.

 

[Aisya al-Humaira]

Wa`alaykummussalaam wa rahmatullaahi wa barakaatuh,

I haven't seen you around in a while. I hope you are well, inshaa Allaah (apart from the issue mentioned in your post )

A few matters/questions came to mind when I analyze your situation. I hope you don't mind with my *direct* questions. Do you?

If you are to be apart from your husband, what about his needs and your needs? I am not referring to the physical needs only but the emotional needs of companionship and support. Of course this can also be done when you skype with your husband daily, but it is different in real world compared to the virtual. Is he ok with that? And what about you?

Besides that, will you be working or stay at home? What if you become pregnant? I know that you're more comfortable in your homeland as you've been living there for your whole life but now that you have a husband, he is obligated to take care and protect you whenever you are sick or somehow being harmed by strangers. Yes, your family is there to look after you but once he had made that aqd, it is actually your husband that is responsible to look after you and not your father anymore. Also, is this plan going to be just for one year or until he finally made the decision to move to your country?

Can you guarantee that being separated temporarily won't affect any of the above matters?

Also, I do keep in mind sister, that as an outsider who may not understand everything that's going on in your life, we can only give advices and guidelines to you on matters to weigh upon and reflect but in the end, Allaah knows best for the both of you. May He guide you and your husband to make the best decisions for your marriage life. Ameen.

 

[zinirah]

Actually there are plenty of Muslim countries. Yes, their leaders might be corrupt but you still can't deny that those leaders are Muslim.

What countries are you talking about, sister? Can you please mention names?

I don't think it matters what country i am from or he is from, but if you must judge by that than. He is from an Arab country, and I am not from an Arab dominated country. I am asking if it's OK to stay apart for only 4 1/2 months if you don't mind focusing on that part of my question.

Actually there are plenty of Muslim countries. Yes, their leaders might be corrupt but you still can't deny that those leaders are Muslim.

Having a Muslim leader does not make the country Muslim, and the people are corrupted as well. Basically in what you call a 'Muslim' country is basically a country where the majority of the people are 'Muslim' or at least appear Muslim while they still live like the rest of the world, and worse. There are a lot more prostitutes, and drinking, hypocrisy, and adultery etc.etc. In what i call the Arab world...not Muslim world. It's all just in secret, and topped with conservative clothing (Although mini skirts, high heels, while wearing hijab is common these days).

 

[zinirah]

Yeah, I don't come here often, because I don't use the net much unless i'm checking my email.
We will be using skype to keep in contact with each other. As far as cooking, and cleaning etc. He did these things all by himself before we got married. I don't think he forgot how to take care of himself that fast. Plus he spends most of his time at his parents house anyways, and loves their support & comfort all the time so he will not be missing much.

I will be working, but the job doesn't require me to leave home. If i became pregnant there would be no problem, but it's not likely to happen. I know how to take care of myself. I am not a small child that i need someone to guard/ protect my every move, and moving back with my family would not be the same as of when i was 12. I am an adult i do not need any adult to look after me. Insha'Allah I will not run into extreme cases of danger.

This plan for me to go 4 1/2 months out of the year will continue each year. Until he finally comes to his senses to move there. I am sure none of the above things will affect us, because when we first got engage before marriage we lived away from each other for 8 months, before we saw each other again. It will be just like old times except the time apart will be of course shorter than 8 months.

 

[Hajjerr]

Salam aleikum sister

You have made your decision and we dont know the details of your situation, so i am not sure how useful we can be..The final question: ''what you think about it..'' should be adressed to your husband, in the end.
I think the following serve as good reminders, for you and the rest of us, who are wives:

“And they (women) have rights (over their husbands as regards living expenses) similar (to those of their husbands) over them (as regards obedience and respect) to what is reasonable” [al-Baqarah 2:228]
Al-Qurtubi said:
It was also narrated from him – i.e., Ibn ‘Abbaas – that this means: they have the right to good companionship and kind and reasonable treatment from their husbands just as they are obliged to obey the commands of their husbands.
And it was said that they have the right that their husbands should not harm them, and their husbands have a similar right over them. This was the view of al-Tabari.
Ibn Zayd said: You should fear Allaah concerning them just as they should fear Allaah concerning you.
The meanings are similar, and the aayah includes all of that in the rights and duties of marriage.(Tafseer al-Qurtubi, 3/123-124)
....................
The obligation of obedience. Allaah has made the man a qawwaam (protector and maintainer) of the woman by commanding, directing and taking care of her, just as guardians take care of their charges, by virtue of the physical and mental faculties that Allaah has given only to men and the financial obligations that He has enjoined upon them. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allaah has made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend (to support them) from their means” [al-Nisaa’ 4:34]
.........................
....be patient and to strive to please your husband and to help him to honour and be kind to his family as much as possible until Allaah grants you a way out.
(from islamqa)

Islam strongly recommends couples to live together and protect each other against evils and devils.

However, Islam doesn’t prohibit a couple from sometimes living separately as long as the separation doesn’t lead one of them to commit any prohibited actions. Both spouses have the right to ask one another to live together. However, there is no harm for them to agree on temporary separation on the condition that the objectives of marriage are observed and respected such as continuous communication and fulfillment of obligations.

 

[Janaan]

Assalaamu `alaikum warahmatullaah.

I don't think it matters what country i am from or he is from, but if you must judge by that than. He is from an Arab country, and I am not from an Arab dominated country. I am asking if it's OK to stay apart for only 4 1/2 months if you don't mind focusing on that part of my question.

I apologize if my question has annoyed you, sister. I was just curious about this country that you hate so much because of it's "disgusting oppressive lifestyle". But I see that you have a strong dislike towards Arab countries altogether...

Having a Muslim leader does not make the country Muslim, and the people are corrupted as well. Basically in what you call a 'Muslim' country is basically a country where the majority of the people are 'Muslim' or at least appear Muslim while they still live like the rest of the world, and worse. There are a lot more prostitutes, and drinking, hypocrisy, and adultery etc.etc. In what i call the Arab world...not Muslim world. It's all just in secret, and topped with conservative clothing (Although mini skirts, high heels, while wearing hijab is common these days)

Yes I believe for a country to be classified as a Muslim country, it has to have a Muslim leader (no one country has a complete Islamic government and ruled by Sharee`ah Law nowadays hence why I I said "Leader"/president/king call it whatever and not "government") and the majority of the population should be Muslim--whether it's just by name or not does not matter.
And I must disagree with you on this the but the Muslim countries aren't only in the Middle East in fact I remember reading that south and southeast Asia makes up about 67% of the Muslim population.
A few "Muslim countries" I can think off the top of my head: Pakistan, Indonesia, Algeria, Somalia, Bangladesh, Maldives, Sudan, Senegal, Tunisia, Libya, Mauritania, Azerbaijan, Malaysia...

Anyways, back to your problem, sister you should share your ideas with him. There's a possibility that he'll agree with you since he already knows that you are unhappy there in his country. You shouldn't have to sacrifice everything because marriage is about about compromise so, talk this out with him and inshaa'Allaah you'll both come to an agreement that pleases you two.

But don't forget the extreme importance Islam has placed on obeying one's husband. I'm not saying sacrifice your happiness for his but always make it a point to please him, as only then will Allaah `azza wa jall be pleased with you.

Some practical advice I can give you is, keep in mind that you are a married woman now! Your place is no longer with your family but rather with your husband from hereon.
Stop placing precedence on your family over your husband. You should be thinking as an "we" and not just "I". You're not an individual anymore. You two come as a package deal. Whatever decision you make will not only affect you but him as well.

He might be a "mama's boy" but so is everyone else. Who in their right mind likes to be away from their mother? Our moms will always have special places in our hearts. So you shouldn't really criticize him because of that.
And on top of everything, this is a man that not only has to provide for you but all of his family as well. That is not an easy task for anybody if you ask me. So why would you want to burden him with moving away to another place where he has to look for another job and settle down all over again?

I don't know if you're so eager to go back because of your dislike for his country or some other personal reasons you're not willing to share. But khayr inshaa'Allaah--I just thought that if two people were married, they'd never feel the need to live away from one another. Or even think about such things because of how happy and content they are living with each other.

Until he finally comes to his senses to move there.

And this line of thinking is quite bothersome, ukhty. Please do think what's best for the the both of you and not only yourself.

I leave you with this hadeeth of the prophet

Ahmad (19025) and al-Haakim narrated from al-Husayn ibn Muhsin that his paternal aunt came to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) for something and he dealt with her need, then the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Do you have a husband?” She said, “Yes.” He said: “How are you with him?” She said, “I do not neglect any of his rights except those I am unable to fulfill.” He said: “Look at how you are with him, for he is your paradise and your hell” – i.e., he is the cause of you entering Paradise if you fulfill his rights and the cause of your entering Hell if you fall short in that.
Al-Mundhiri classed the isnaad of this hadeeth as jayyid in al-Targheeb wa’l-Tarheeb; it was classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Targheeb wa’l-Tarheeb, no. 1933.

May Allaah `azza jall set right all your affairs and keep your marriage strong.

 

[um muhammad al-mahdi]

assalamu alaykum,

In Muslim contries (those with majority of Muslims, those where you can hear the adhaan AND we all know that there is NOT the perfect Muslim contry 'cause Islam IS perfect not Muslims subhanallah)... anyway yes, in Muslim countries the dunya is hard, oh yes, harder than back in the UK or US where everything is easier (shopping, eating, services etc) but over there there is lots of barakah mashallah we cannot deny it subhanallah but it depends of our niya anyway... and may Allah guide us all always!

 

[Aisya al-Humaira]

Just to neutralize the about-to-become heated atmosphere here, sister Hajjerr, Janaan and Um Muhammad gave you deep, great advices. Mashaa Allaah. BarakaAllaahu feehunna.

Please don't feel attacked nor feeling that we are taking your husband's side. In marriages in Islam, both spouses have their rights and while the husband might seem to have greater precedence over the wife, know that he has greater responsibilities: to the wife AND his family. Unlike the wife, her roles are mostly towards her husband and their children.

I hope you AND your husband will consider your final decision based on what Allaah has commanded and for the good of both of you rather than to please the one/the other. The reality is tough out there, I know and having a spouse should bring lots of benefits -- it serves as the coolness to the eyes and act as a cloth/shield to the other. There are actually many, many unwed brothers/sisters out there looking to find that other person, thus Allaah has indeed gifted you with having one. Alhamdulillaah for that.

It might be difficult to you, dear sister Zinnirah but know that with this hardship, Allaah will elevate your status in His Eyes when you follow that of what He likes, even if in the beginning you have a hard time to adjust. Eventually, inshaa Allaah, it will be second nature to you to follow your husband (so long he doesn't ask you to disobey Allaah) and do what pleases him for the sake of Allaah.

May Allaah ease your affairs.

 

[zinirah]

No, it's alright it's amusing hearing their extremist views. Everyone has their own opinions about things. I do thank them for their attempt to help me out. It was really thoughtful. I asked someone who wasn't Muslim, and i got a simpler response without all of this added nonsense. I think i will stick with that one. Plus i don't want to go back, and forth with people, and get into all of that 'Arab/Muslim' drama. It's a waste of time. My fault for posting here anyways...what did i expect lol.

 

[esperanza]

salam sisters
i am not an expert but im pretty sure its most definitely not ok to be away for four months because i have read somewhere that if the couple do not have normal relatio0ns for four months the marriage is no longer a marriage
dear sister you say you dont like anything about his country but part of marriage is compromise and normally we should go where the husband is for social economic and other reasons. its probably easier for him to run a household and provide for family in his own country


I left my western country where we have many muslims to live in an arab muslim country twenty years ago...it was not easy and twenty years later is harder than ever, but that was part of my choice to marry him live a life with him
you arre only just married ND ALREADY YOU DONT LIKE HIS LIFE,,, so what will happen when you face real challenges in life
sorry sister but this is reality,,,