Problem living with mother in law

[laraengland]

Salaam
In desperate need of advice. I've been married 3 years and prior to that, my husband and I agreed to live with him and his widowed mother for 2 years after marriage before we moved to our own place.
I've been blessed with a beautiful boy and now due a second one in a couple of months Inshallah. My problem is I feel trapped living in that house. My mother in law clearly doesn't care about me and all her intentions are what's best for her son. As long as I serve him and feed him , raise our child and wash his clothes ( all of which I don't mind doing at all), she doesn't care about my health or we'll being. I feel she's breaking every bond that I make with my husband. While he's at work, she ignores me and openly talks bad about me on the phone to her daughter (my sister in law) , but as soon as he's back, she talks to me so sweetly. The kitchen is a big problem as she controls what I can and can't eat and decides what I cook for my husband that evening. It doesn't matter even if I've bought my own food, anytime I go in the fridge, she stands behind me to see what I'm getting. Being pregnant and craving foods have proved to be hard, I've even bought a kettle for my room so I can make myself noodles and a cup of tea, just so I can eat lunch hassle free while it's just the both of us in house during the day.
I've tried talking to my husband but he gets angry every time I bring up the subject. It turns out he misled me from the start and has no intentions of moving out. I just feel if he at least was truthful of his intentions from the start, I could have made a conscious decision as to whether or not I was willing to live with his mother.
I've tried on countless occasions to speak calmly and just communicate so I know where we stand but he shuts down every time and either says what I want to hear to shut me up, or get upset and walk away.
I'm feeling more and more depressed, spending more time living with my mother and siblings (250 miles away) , and slowly becoming more distant from my husband. All I ever wanted is to raise a nice family in our own home, am I wrong?
Please help.

 

[Mabsoot]

wa alaykum salam wa rahmatullah Lara,

Welcome to the site. We can give you general advice here, but it is important that you receive professional counselling. I will give you contact details for people that should be able to help you.

Everyone has dreams and wishes in their life, and there is none greater than getting married, having a love-filled home and raising children. Some people are happy to live with in-laws and others want greater independence, and there is nothing wrong with either case. It is all about the wishes of the couple.

It turns out he misled me from the start and has no intentions of moving out.

It is very tricky when expectations were not agreed about or followed through in the early stages of the relationship. Islam teaches for children to obey parents. However, Islam does not teach people to forsake the feelings of their partners if they wish to lead more independent lives when they are older and married. There has to be a careful balance and understanding between the feelings and demands of parents / family and that of the marriage partner.

The relationship between families is always different, in-laws will always be closer and used to behaving with blood relatives in a certain way. This is why it is good and prudent for there to be space for families to lead their own lives without being made to feel under constant pressure as it seems you are experiencing.

The only sensible recommendation is that you try and communicate with your partner and perhaps getting some help for that from a trusted Imam or person in the community. I would suggest reaching out to the following organisation:

ISLAMIC SHARIA COUNCIL
34 FRANCIS ROAD
LEYTON
LONDON
E10 6PW

Office Tel: 0208-558-0581
Advice Line: 0208-925-0673

FAX: 0208-558-7872

Email: [email protected]

May Allah bless you, keep you and your children in good health.

 

[Abu Juwairiya]

If you don't do so already, I would advise additional fasting, praying Tahajjad, reading Qur'an in depth with both translation, reflection and meaning, giving extra in charity, asking for forgiveness a lot more and making much more dua in the early hours. Allah will give you increase, strengthen your spirit, invigorate you further, relieve you of your anxieties and show you a way out inshallah.

As Brother Mabsoot suggested, you should also try to get others involved since talking to your husband alone is difficult. In addition to non family members, you can think about marriage experts other than the Shariah Council alone. I am not downplaying the Shariah Council (I have worked there personally), but its just that you may feel more relaxed and more at ease in speaking with a sister/s when talking about intimate details if and where necessary, and as far as I know the Shariah Council has brothers only.