Marriage - I just don't get it...

Discussion in 'TurnToIslam Lounge !' started by ATA95, Aug 14, 2012.

  1. ATA95
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    ATA95 I ♥ Allah (SWT)

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    Assalamualaikum brothers and sisters. I hope you are all having a wonderful Ramadan for 2012. In my journey of propelling myself further into Islam and building stronger Imaan I've come across a road block that's really been affecting me for a long time. It's marriage. I've been looking into marriage for a while now and have gained an insight into it. I want to get married to do the right thing and please Allah (SWT). I live in a society where having sex at a young age, drinking alcohol, promiscuity and partying is rife. It's like an infectious disease. It's everywhere and I can't escape it. All of these things are forbidden in Islam. I'm doing my utmost best to avoid these sins.

    Marriage is compulsory for someone if they fear they will commit fornication or who have strong sexual desires. I'm someone who perfectly fits into both of those categories because I have strong sexual desires due to being young with raging hormones. I fear I'll commit fornication due to the enourmous pressure society places on me with sex being everywhere from TV ads, magazines in the supermarket, the internet and even at school with people talking about what they did with their girlfriends. Therefore I'm obligated to get married but I do not have the ability to get married because I'm not spiritually and financially able. I'm not spiritually able because I don't fulfil all the pillars of Islam at the moment and I'm not financially able because I don’t have a large enough income to support myself let alone a wife. Therefore I cannot get married yet I'm still obligated to.

    However I just feel marriage doesn't make sense, here's why... As I said before it is compulsory for me to get married however since I am not spiritually and financially able to get married I therefore cannot get married. I feel as if this contradicts itself because at the same time I want to and must get married yet cannot get married. It doesn’t make sense to me. How can this work? It can’t work. Since I cannot get married that means I’m left with having to deal with the risk of committing fornication just because I am not spiritually and financially ready for marriage. That’s ridiculous and stupid. I'm trying to fulfil Islam to all of my potential and be the best Muslim I can be. I have all good intentions of getting married but I cannot.

    I've tried talking to my mother about this but she doesn't completely understand. She keeps on suggesting that I just get a girlfriend because there's nothing wrong with it and it doesn't mean I'll be having sex anyway. I know that's haram and won't work. I'm not going to bother talking to my father since he has little faith and doesn't fulfil many of his obligations of being a Muslim. I can't talk to some of the Muslim brothers I've met because either hardly know them or they're much older than me and it'd be awkward talking about this with them. I can't talk to an Imam because it'd just be awkward and very uncomfortable talking about this with them as well.

    I always make dua everyday to Allah (SWT) asking Him to guide me and bless me with a wife, sometimes I even cry when making dua. But I feel as if He isn't answering my prayers since nothing has happened where I can move on from this. It looks like I'm left with no options. I don't know what to do. I swear by Allah (SWT) I'm doing my best but I can feel that soon there'll be a time where I'll just give up and fall into fornication just because I wasn't spiritually and financially able for marriage. It's so sad.
  2. esperanza
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    esperanza revert of many years

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    salam brother,,,i feel so sad,,,reading this,,,that you are trying to find your way,,,and noone is there for you,,,others your age would not worry or feel this guilt
    i really hope there is someone u can turn to,...what about any relatives fo your father,,, there must be a big community,,there,,,,
    or trying contacting some of the brothers here for advise
    my praters go wiht you brother
    be strong and Allah will guide you
    maybe you should save up for a trip to turkey>>>
  3. A Kashmiri
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    A Kashmiri Junior Member

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    The ahadeeth tell us that in this situation which you find yourself in, you should keep fast as often as you can.
  4. islamdonlyway
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    islamdonlyway Junior Member

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    walikumsalam brother. Brother believe me most if not all young brothers and sisters are suffering from this (including me). we look left, right and forward and it's just full of fitna. we go to places and fitna literally slams on you. It's a very hard situation to be in and hard to resist. I agree with the point you made about finance, specially in the west the living cost is very high, thus many young people (most even don't work, just studying), cannot afford to get married. The only solution is to fast brother, our prophet (pbuh) told us that if we cannot get married then we should fast as much as we can. Inshallah fasting will keep you calm and in a steady mood. You also need to build the fear of allah in your heart brother, because once your about to commit a sin inshallah you will be reminded about allah and inshallah that will prevent you from committing the sin. in conclusion, the fear of allah + fasting inshallah should help you.
  5. ATA95
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    ATA95 I ♥ Allah (SWT)

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    Thanks for your replies. I know that fasting is a great solution but it's not a complete solution. Because I can't fast everyday until I get married. Also at the times when I break my fast or am not fasting that's when the pressure is on and it's almost impossible to deal with.
  6. Hopetogoparadis
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    Hopetogoparadis Junior Member

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    assalam alakum bro
    First of all, i should say that i know your situation even though every one might have different feelings and different cases, but i know the main point.
    Well, i know brothers who are in same situation. That they are studying and they have strong desires but they can not get married as they can not afford it. And their family also dont care about supporting them because they think its still early age, when they graduate and find work, then they can get married themselves. So these brothers keep making doa BUT they dont say my doa is not answered BECAUSE even if they dont seem to be answered, maybe Allah willl keep away something bad from you in return. I think there are hadithes about this issue that if doa is not answered immediately, there are cases, like maybe Allah will give better in Jannah or maybe you should keep making doa without desparing or maybe its just a test that you should past by trying to be patient. DO NOT ever say ''my doa is not answered'' because you can not know whats good and whats bad for yourself and ALLAH Knows how you feel, so maybe you just should try to be patient as no one is forcing you to go and make fornication and I KNOW that its hard to show patience, but what to do ? Just never say Allah is not answered your doa, just think that its a test and Allah knows best, even though its hard to show patience against our desires, if there is not any other way, all we can do is to TRY to show patience

    : )
  7. kashif_nazeer
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    kashif_nazeer ~~~Alhamdulillah~~~

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    Wa 'alaikumassalam warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu my brother,
    Is there any Islamic organisation around you where you can get proactive?You mentioned few brother around you,try to ask them and do not hesitate to share your hearts things with them and the Imam.It does sound awkward at first but in sha' Allah if you can try to explain these to them .
    It's always a blessing to have good practicing brother around you alhamdulillah.
    Brother,listen try to find an Islamic organisation around you and get proactive,get busy,do a lot of things until things workout for marriage in sha'Allah.
    Marriage is not the ultimate purpose our lives but a part of it and my brother as a brother here said no one is safe from this,you my brother and me too.We all live in such a society where only way to survive is by lowering the gaze.
    So my brother get busy doing things to get your mind off marriage until time comes in sha'Allah also inform few muslim brothers at your place so that they can search for you bride.
    Get started now akh,find an Islamic organisation,contact them ,see how you can volunteer for working with them in sha' Allah,I am sure you will find many organisation at your place.
    You will also find there many brothers in sha' Allah and make new practicing muslim friends who will help you on this marriage issue as well.
    In order to reduce desires and keep your mind off these,keep lowering gaze brother,keep busy so that shytaan has little effect on your mind.Remember Yusuf('alyhissalam) against whom so many women plotted but he overcame them due to his taqwa and lowering of gaze.
    From the conviction of faith come taqwa and concsiousness of Allah,that when using in synch with sabr and salah results in descending of tranquility my brother try it.

    On a side note,to lighten up ,I was talking to my parents that I would like to marry a da'ee(one who give dawah) ,my parents looked at me with shock because da'ee is also a homonym for maid servant :D :D :D



  8. ahmed_indian
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    ahmed_indian to Allah we belong

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    wa alaikum salaam bro,

    This hadeeth was narrated by Muslim (145) from Abu Hurayrah who said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Islam began as something strange and will revert to being strange as it began, so give glad tidings to the strangers.”

    may Allah keep you safe from all evils and give you reward and success in both the worlds. ameen
  9. FindThe1Truth
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    FindThe1Truth New Member

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    Did you try to read Qur'an? It can help tremendously. Also reciting it aloud. When you do, all devils can't stay with you any more. Especially strong result if it is combined with fasting. Often Quran can directly tell you what to do. Fast, then pray, and then open Quran at any random page. Mostly Allah will show you something, or will give necessary strength.
    Also it is good as another brother advised, to get into local community and get busied with somehting, better with physical work.
    As for your financial disability, it is temporary. You can still look for marriage partner and ask other muslims to refer someone to you who they see fitting. If there is love and mutual respect, both you and your wife can find means to survive. Don't you know there are even much poorer communities and people still get married? Also may be God can send you a woman who is financially able and will marry you because of genuine love, as this happened to our Prophet (Peace be upon him!).
    So, be courageous, my prayers are with you, brother!
  10. ATA95
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    ATA95 I ♥ Allah (SWT)

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    Thanks for all of the valuable info everyone. I'll definitely be implementing it Insha'Allah. :)
  11. strive-may-i
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    strive-may-i Junior Member

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    Brother ATA95.

    On a lighter and serious note, many say this "Marriage - I dont get it" . I have heard it from couples who are happily married for years. You have to be in one to figure out what it is. Every marriage is a different story. And, if you ever thought, marriage means 'end of teenage frustration', you have got it all wrong. Here is a thought exercise - 'What would a spouse do, if partner has some medical complication?'

    There is so much you could do to become a better well groomed Man. Here is a question you can ask yourself -- How many hours you spend in physical sports / community activities.

    Good to hear your positive response. Be active brother. Be here.

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