Marriage Proposal Regret

Discussion in 'Women, Family, and Marriage' started by ImanFaith86, Aug 3, 2013.

  1. ImanFaith86
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    ImanFaith86 Member

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    Bismillahi al Rahman al raheem,

    I have an issue I have been struggling with somewhat. I met a guy at my work place 4 years ago and he was interested in me for marriage. I held off because I didn't feel "ready" at the time but he kept perusing me until my walls broke down and I let him in. I was young and scared and unaware of what marriage was and what to expect. I fell in love with him and he did with me. He wanted to be married straight away, but he was Pakistani and I am Arab so I delayed introducing him to my family. After 3 months I did tell my mother and we planned to work towards marriage. However he went back to university to finish his studies so that he would look more favourable to my father (he went from college straight to work) and so we ended up in a relationship for 3 years. He hated that more than me because He feared Allah and couldn't wait to finish his studies so that he can come to propose properly. He was and still is a wonderful man, practising, lowered his gaze, was patient with me, kind, forgiving, the perfect partner. But my own fears and insecurities couldn't look past that. I had issues with my father as he was very religious and got scared that he would become controlling like my father. Although I am practising, I felt I was less so than him (I listened to music, had a few male friends) and he was totally against that. He wouldn't let me have music at the wedding even though it was to be a segregated event. So for me these "issues" were magnified and we argued endlessly over them, but even throughout this he still wanted to marry me and was willing to compromise. My fears got the better of me and we decided to split up. He however was constantly messaging me, telling me to try and make this work for a whole year after we ended it. We never met up, this was all via emails. We discussed our options and I felt some hope that we could overcome these minor issues. However, he then dropped it into a conversation once that he was getting to know someone from abroad and was flying out to meet her. I was so angry and confused that he could be reeling me in again only to find out he was possibly getting to someone else. I decided there and then to end all ties with him. Within 3 weeks he messaged me to let me know he was engaged.
    I was and am absolutely heartbroken. I feel a lot of regret that I let worldly desires get the better of me when I had the perfect man all along. I am constantly blaming myself for this and wishing that I could have done something different. It makes me sick to think he will treat his fiancé like he did me and even better and I feel so lost. I just don't know why he felt the need to keep a hold of me while he found a replacement that suited his needs better. And even through this I still blame myself and feel that I don't deserve him because I wasn't "religious" enough. I know this is through the will of Allah but I kept help but remember the verse "4:79 - "Whatever reaches to you of good, is from Allah, but whatever befalls you of evil, is from yourself." So I feel this is my fault. I have tried to ask for him back and to forgive me but he says he has moved on and to let him be. I'm heartbroken and feel I've missed my chance, and scared that Allah will hold it against me because I was not as religious as him and will never meet someone like him again. I have repented and turned to Allah for my own sake but any advice is most welcome.
  2. Abu Loren
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    Abu Loren Defender of Islam!

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    Salaam sis

    From your own words here you know it in your heart that you've made a mistake, and unfortunately a tiny mistake is all that is needed for a happy relationship to fall apart. To a true believer a woman who is not 100% committed to the deen can be a let down, I can see that your fiance did not like your love of music and your male friends. If he had told you to give up these things then you should have listened to him and made these small sacrifices. But having said that I do not feel that these own it's own can be excuses for a relatinship to break down.

    Sis I advise you to move on as your fiance has found somebody else with whom he is happy to share his life with. This will obviously hurt you along the years that you are not with him and you will probably regret what has happened. You must not hold any grudges against him and you must forgive him completely and move on with your life. As you've said may be it was not meant to be, for whatever reasons. Be positive and make du'a to Allah Subhana Wa Ta'ala that He will give you another man as a husband and In Shaa Allah you will find happiness with him.

    If it's any comfort, there are millions of broken relationships but people must move on with their lives. Regret and feeling sorry for oneself will spiral down to insecurities and depression and something even worse, then satan will take hold of you and who knows where you will end up.

    Take comfort in the Holy Qur'an and pray and make du'a and dhikr. Happiness is truly in the hands of the Almighty Allah Subhana Wa Ta'ala.
  3. Mabsoot
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    Mabsoot Amir Staff Member

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    assalamu alaykum wa rahmatullah

    Get busy doing stuff, and have hope in Allah giving you someone. There are plenty of good people out there, and you can't think you "missed your chance". In sha Allah you will get over it. I think it is more a case where now he is out of reach, gone, that now you "miss" him. But, this is just shaitan's way to control your mind and emotions.

    Allah does not hold anything against you, this is incorrect. What has happened, happened for a reason, namely delays due to not seriousness or readiness from both of you. That is all there is to it. Nothing more.

    Once you do find someone, and get married, you will be content and forget all that which came in the past in sha Allah.
  4. ImanFaith86
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    ImanFaith86 Member

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    Jazak Allah khair for your advice,

    I think it is the guilt that I was not good enough for someone who was a very good person that is eating at me. And I agree that now he is out of sight that I miss him more like you suggested (because deep down I still question if we were compatible enough, and our religious differences didnt help me get closer to Allah, whereas our split has so I can only take that as a positive). InshAllah I can move forward and make myself a better person by learning from my mistakes. I have repented and promised myself not to get attached to anything more than my attachment to Allah.

    Salam
  5. abdul1001
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    abdul1001 Member

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    These attachments hurts... believe me:( , Thats why they are discouraged in Islam. These feeling of guilt and sorrow will make one less of a human and insensitive. Bad things happen in life, but one should move on and dedicate this place(heart) only for Allah. May Allah heal all the hearts suffering from grief , because He only has the power to do it.
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  6. um muhammad al-mahdi
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    um muhammad al-mahdi لا اله الا الله محمد رسول الله Staff Member

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    Assalamu Alaykum sister ImanFaith86,

    Inshallah khayr, alhamdulillah in every situation! Remember to pray Salat istikhara when you have to take a decision inshallah.

    Jazakillahu khayran
  7. Umm Abdullah
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    Umm Abdullah Junior Member

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    Ukhtii who knows this might be the best thing for you. Allah says in the Qur'an:
    وَعَسَىٰ أَن تُحِبُّوا شَيْئًا وَهُوَ شَرٌّ لَّكُمْ ۗ وَاللَّهُ يَعْلَمُ وَأَنتُمْ لَا تَعْلَمُونَ
    "And perhabs you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah knows, while you know not" (2:216)
    We should do our best to follow the guidelines of the Shari3ah in every matter if we want barakah from Allah.
    I mean how can we expect khayr in something if we start it with ma3siyah. I hope you don't take it personally :)
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