Muslim Family Breakdown: Great Challenge to Muslims in the West

[ShahnazZ]

If you're a divorced woman and have your children living with you, then you've clearly done something wrong. Divorced women are not meant to carry around "extra baggage". are they expecting the next husband to care for someone else's children?

Children are not "extra baggage" and it's extremely sad that you would think so. After all, you're someone's child. How comfortable would you feel if someone referred to you like that?

Additionally, there are many Muslim men who marry women with children and help raise them. May Allah bless them. That boasts a higher level of compassion than men who consider a woman's children "extra baggage".

What about widows who are left with children? Do they also deserve to be ostracized because they have "extra baggage"?

A man has every right not to marry a divorced mother and vice versa. Whatever makes one comfortable. But children should never be made to feel that they're unwanted.

 

[OnewithAllah]

Children are not "extra baggage" and it's extremely sad that you would think so. After all, you're someone's child. How comfortable would you feel if someone referred to you like that?

Additionally, there are many Muslim men who marry women with children and help raise them. May Allah bless them. That boasts a higher level of compassion than men who consider a woman's children "extra baggage".

What about widows who are left with children? Do they also deserve to be ostracized because they have "extra baggage"?

A man has every right not to marry a divorced mother and vice versa. Whatever makes one comfortable. But children should never be made to feel that they're unwanted.

There was a reason why I put those two words in quotation marks. I don't have time to reteach you 8th grade English.

 

[ShahnazZ]

There was a reason why I put those two words in quotation marks. I don't have time to reteach you 8th grade English.

Says the 8th grader.

Etiquette with other Muslims is something you should focus on learning.

 

[OnewithAllah]

Says the 8th grader.

Etiquette with other Muslims is something you should focus on learning.

will definitely work on it. any other suggestions?

 

[Aapa]

Assalaam alaikum,

Brother One with Allah,

You do not get the big or little picture. I am going to keep this positive. But, a little reprimand won't hurt. Do not insult the sisters here. End of reprimand.

Now,

It is highly offensive to call children extra baggage. There are many men who are not with their children but provide for them. We are limiting this to the Muslim world. No child that is born is extra baggage. Each life has been granted by Allah subhana wa taala. The test for us is to raise children in the most loving and positive environment.

This thread is not about divorced women with children wishing to marry men. As I wrote before most divorced women with children focus on one thing and one thing only: their children. Now, it may be in Islam that men are supposed to have custody of the children but in the west that is next to impossible. The responsibility falls upon the mother. Thus you have working women with children. You have strong believing sisters who work hard and take full responsibility of the household. Joint custody of the children works when the divorced couple reside in the same city. Otherwise you have the long vacations with the non-residential parent.

But,

The problematic areas are not being addressed. We have a growing population of Muslim women raising children. Some are independent. They work and are able to provide for basics. Some have to have help from the state. The void is the Muslim community.

To dismiss the rise of domestic violence in the Muslim communities would be a disservice to everyone. It is under-reported but trust me it is there.

The backbone of the community is the family. We see the family breaking apart. And it does have a ripple effect. It weakens the community. Women are hit the hardest. A Muslim woman in a non-Muslim world without a husband; you gotta be a tough cookie as they say. Yet, it is the Muslim community that has failed her the most.

To prevent divorce we need to have more leadership. Our masjids have failed miserably. They are more social centers. I have written about this ad nausem. We have no outreach. It is up to the younger generation to ensure that the masjids play the critical role in our communities.

We have to have per-martial counseling. Hey, guys..guess what..marriage ain't that easy when the bills are piling up, the only phone calls are the bill collectors; there is a leak on the roof in the middle of winter; say what your mother is going to visit for two months; no I can't look wonderful for you tonight I worked all day...

The community is a wonderful cure for the ailments of marriage. Now, once again, I am limiting this to the west. No extended family. Couples trying to survive in a jungle. The role of the masjid becomes the extended family. Every couple needs support.

If nothing else I pray that the stark reality of single mothers is an eye-opener for any married sister who is contemplating divorce. Do not be angry when you go to bed. Take a deep breath and recite an ayat of the Quran. Walk into another room. He may not be Prince Charming but then what you may consider to be a bad thing is good for you.

 

[Precious Star]

I assume the reason why fathers "abandon" their children is because when it gets to custody of the children, nonmuslim courts rule in the favor of the mother. Muslim mothers should give up all custody of children to the Muslim father. If you're a divorced woman and have your children living with you, then you've clearly done something wrong. Divorced women are not meant to carry around "extra baggage". are they expecting the next husband to care for someone else's children?

Without intending to be offensive, I really believe some of your comments lack maturity. Do you live in a bubble?

First of all, the courts do not favour the mother anymore. The presumption is joint custody as it is considered to be in the child's best interests. This requires both patents putting aside what they each want and instead focusing on maximizing each of their involvement with the child. If a child will be harmed by joint custody, or one parent does not wish to maintain a role, then joint custody fails. But the presumptive position nowadays is joint custody.

Secondly, the rates of re-marriage are almost the same as the rate of marriage, or close to 90%. And many of these marriages are blended families or at least step families where one spouse brings children into the marriage. Many of these marriages succeed.

I'm not sure how being Muslim should change the acceptability and success of such re-created families. A Muslim is not a species. We have certain values that are comprised of love and generosity. So I don't know why a Muslim man will go running in the opposite direction if a woman is divorced with kids. I have no idea why the step family construct, and why re-marriage rates for divorced Muslim women, are so low compared to the general population.

But my guess is that Muslim men are being raised with attitudes like your's, O.W.A.

 

[Aapa]

Assalaam alaikum,

Sister,

The remarriage rate for women is low because a woman with children thinks of the children first. If there is a potential spouse the child has to be included in the process. If the child does not wish for the mother to remarry she will not remarry. The child comes first. There is an old expression here. You can get a man anytime but your child only once. A mother does not consider this a sacrifice. There is no emotionalism; you do have the very lonely moments. You do see the future and prepare to be alone.

You are absolutely correct that many blended families work. Children do adapt. They come to love those who love them. However, the child will love the father. As much as the child loves the mother the child needs the father. I do not believe in strict custody outlines. They need to be flexible. When the child want to be near the father let it be and there are times when a child needs the comfort of a mother.

A pious brother sent this to me. Excellent. I have simply copied:



I am hopeful that you have very seriously considered the matter and taken Mushwara from your family and those close to you and also done Istikhara.

After you have begged, beseeched our Lord (SWT) and have firmly arrived at this conclusion and then Islamically you would proceed as follows:

Islamic Procedure:

Ask your husband for an Islamic Divorce and according to Sunnah he needs to give you 1 Islamic Divorce (when you are not on your period) and after spending Idda for 3 menstrual cycles (if you are not pregnant) and until the birth of child (if you are pregnant) you are free to marry anyone you wish. During this period you will have to remain indoors and the husband will have to provide for you financially. In UK it is recommended that you make this request in front of some reputable family members (as witnesses) and he gives you Talaq in writing; although Islamically its not required.

If he breaks the Sunnah and gives you 3 straight Talaqs in Anger (or while drunk) and in your period etc then you will still be divorced!

Its best to ask in writing and keep records of dates/times etc.
Once you have approached him for Talaq and he is unwilling to comply. You can ask for “Khu’l” which is basically the wife may persuade the husband to enter into an agreement of Khul’ (a release for payment from the wife). The wife may also opt to forgive the husband from paying her dowry (mahr). If Khu’l is granted then again you will have to wait remain indoors for 3 menstrual cycles (if you are not pregnant) and until the birth of child (if you are pregnant) and then you are free to marry anyone else. In UK it is recommended that you make this request in front of some reputable family members OR in writing; although Islamically its not required.

The timeframes for Khu’l varies but if he refuses in writing or in person then you need to move onto the next step.

Its best to ask in writing and keep records of dates/times etc.
If he is refusing Divorce and also not willing to enter into Khu’l then the only option which is left for you is to contact an “Islamic Shariah Council” and ask the Scholars to annul your marriage. You fill out a detailed application (outlining your reasons and that you have already tried steps 1 & 2) and the process can take up from a few months to a year.


Basically once your application is considered and it is determined that you have sufficient grounds for annulment,; if your husband is in UK then he will be written to (visting the Shariah council) and explain the charges. If he can't visit then he can write. All letters are sent via registered post and guareenteed delivery. If he does not respond OR makes no attempt to contact then the Ulama will annul the Nikah after a few attempts.

Procedures may vary in different countries

You will need to prepare your application accurately, carefull and diligently for annulment.

Islamic Shariah Council in United Kingdom (& Europe):

Maulana Ijaz
Dewsbury, UK
Office: +44 (1924) 464-122
Office Hours: Mondy-Friday (UK) Time: 09:30 - 12:30 click on links to convert to your local time.
Spoken Languages: English/Urdu/Gujrati

Procedure/Fees: Application throughly completed with all supporting documents /£200

Time taken: Depending on the case but please allow at least 12 weeks

Date Verified/Person: 30JAN2013 with Shaykh (Maulana) Ejaz

Birmingham Fiqh Council

Islamic Shariah Council in United States:

Chicago (Head Office):

Rahmat-e-Alam Foundation
7045 N. Western Avenue, Chicago, IL 60645
Telephone: (773)764-8274
Fax: (773)764-8497.

Click Here for the Map

Chicago (Branch):

Rahmat-e-Alam Foundation, California & Granville
6201 N. California Ave. Chicago, IL 60659
Telephone: (630)430-6740
Fax: (773)764-8497.

Shariah Board of New York

57-16 37th Avenue
Woodside, NY 11365.
Telephone: (718)426-3454

Procedure/Fees: Application throughly completed with all supporting documents /FREE

Time taken: Depending on the case...

Date Verified/Person: 30JAN2013 with Shaykh (Mufti) Nauman Wazeer (NYC)

Darul Uloom Al Islamiyah Sacramento (California)
7285 25th Street, Sacramento, CA, 95822
Tel: (916)424-4770

Date Verified/Person: Unverified and unable to contact

Mufti Ikraum Haq (Rhode Island)
40 Sayles Hill Rd
North Smithfield, RI 02896
Phone: 401-762-0107
Fax: 401-762-0107

Date Verified/Person: 30JAN2013 with Shaykh (Mufti) Ikarum Haq (RI)




Divorce accoring to British Law:

After being divorced Islamically (you are free to remarry in Islam) but according to British Law you will need to get a Divorce and in a British court you can apply on any of the 5 grounds:


Adultery: You must prove either through admission or by submitting circumstantial evidence that he has committed adultery.
Unreasonable Behavior: This is the most commonly used clause and you must prove that he has proved in a way which makes living with him unreasonable.
Desertion: He has deserted you for a period of 2 years. This is rarely used.
2 Year separation: By mutual consent you have been living apart for at least 2 years.
5 Year separation: You have been living apart and consent is not necessary.
Depends on which grounds you choose and how he chooses to defend it; court case can take time.
Aftermath of a divorce:

Divorce accoring to Aemrican Law:

Vary from state to state so check your local state legislations.

Divorce Aftermath:

If your husband is a man of Taqwa then he will provide for the children BUT that is rare. In most cases men give a very hard time, refuse to issue Talaq and refuse to pay and if you don’t have a family (to financially support you) at least initially then you will be plunged into serious financial chaos EVEN if you work because more than likely you will be seriously depressed during the whole process!

If your husband is a man of Taqwa then he will give you child custody BUT this is rare and usually men contest this in the court and even afterwards there will be “all kinds of games” just to mess you around.

If your children are of an age where they understand things then it will be VERY HARD to explain and they will go through some sort of emotional turmoil and their performance at School/Madarsa will be affected.

If you want to remarry it will depend on your age and your children etc and loads of dua. Most women will busy themselves in looking after their children and don’t actively look into remarriage.


Allah (SWT) knows best.

 

[OnewithAllah]

Without intending to be offensive, I really believe some of your comments lack maturity. Do you live in a bubble?

First of all, the courts do not favour the mother anymore. The presumption is joint custody as it is considered to be in the child's best interests. This requires both patents putting aside what they each want and instead focusing on maximizing each of their involvement with the child. If a child will be harmed by joint custody, or one parent does not wish to maintain a role, then joint custody fails. But the presumptive position nowadays is joint custody.

Secondly, the rates of re-marriage are almost the same as the rate of marriage, or close to 90%. And many of these marriages are blended families or at least step families where one spouse brings children into the marriage. Many of these marriages succeed.

I'm not sure how being Muslim should change the acceptability and success of such re-created families. A Muslim is not a species. We have certain values that are comprised of love and generosity. So I don't know why a Muslim man will go running in the opposite direction if a woman is divorced with kids. I have no idea why the step family construct, and why re-marriage rates for divorced Muslim women, are so low compared to the general population.

But my guess is that Muslim men are being raised with attitudes like your's, O.W.A.

That's Shari'a law for you. The father is the natural guardian of the children. If the father is deceased, then paternal kin get custody of all children. Mother only has physical right (breast feeding, etc.) of the child until he/she reaches the age of custodial transfer. Also, mother is not required to remarry until custodial transfer is complete. I really don't see your point here. You want to break sharia law and keep the kids, and then force the ex-husband to send checks your way? Lets not westernize islam.

I bet if welfare and section 8 housing didn't exist in America, most of the mothers would be fighting to GIVE their kids away to the fathers. I hope I didn't put you on a guilt trip.

 

[Precious Star]

That's Shari'a law for you. The father is the natural guardian of the children. If the father is deceased, then paternal kin get custody of all children. Mother only has physical right (breast feeding, etc.) of the child until he/she reaches the age of custodial transfer. Also, mother is not required to remarry until custodial transfer is complete. I really don't see your point here. You want to break sharia law and keep the kids, and then force the ex-husband to send checks your way? Lets not westernize islam.

I bet if welfare and section 8 housing didn't exist in America, most of the mothers would be fighting to GIVE their kids away to the fathers. I hope I didn't put you on a guilt trip.

Guilty about what? Can you grow up and dispense with the jabs? Honestly, I've been reading your comments in various threads and you like to take shots at people. I find it interesting that someone who shouts about adherence to sharia has such a miserable moral code. Most of us here have graduated from the 8th grade; I suggest you do so as well and keep your sarcastic jabs reserved for your inner circle. I'm still interested in knowing what you mean by the guilt trip but my guess is you are going to respond in a nasty fashion.

Anyway, there are no sharia laws in North America. When a couple separates, or a father absconds, the child is not handed over to paternal kin. In fact, if you are a first generation Muslim in North America, chances are you won't have an extended kin network. But my point is, in deciding to live in the west and abide by secular laws, it is inevitable that those secular laws will govern. If someone God forbid kills a family member, is my forgiveness going to prevent that person from going to jail? If my husband commits adultery in front of witnesses can I arrange to have him lashed as per sharia? Or stoned to death? Obviously not.

if a child thrives in the hands of the mother, and receives financial support from the father, and the father continues to play a role in the child's upbringing, then the mother is sinning and the father is sinning and the whole scenario is unIslamic???

 

[msmoorad]

salaams to all

i think the reason is that we want to live like the west but still expect to have a successful & happy marriage
we want our lives to look like what Hollywood & Bollywood show us & then still expect things to work out fine

both males & females come into the marriage with preconceived ideas about how married life ought to be
he has preconceived ideas of what a wife should be like
she also has preconceived ideas of what a husband should be like

AND BOTH OF THEM BASE THEIR IDEAS/EXPECTATIONS ON THE LIFESTYLES/HABITS OF THE KUFFAAR

most muslims look & dress like the kuffaar
if you had to pass them on the street, you wont know that he/she is a muslim
its as is we are ashamed to show our islam or some just dont even think its important at all

we raise our children in the same way- and restrict islam to a few hours in the musjid
the lifestyle of many muslims today, even in the privacy of their homes is almost the same as that of the kuffaar
how can we ever expect Allah ta'ala to shower his baraka & rahma upon us

the sunnah of Rasullullah(SAW) is also VERY far from our lives
we are muslim by name only
and yet we still believe ourselves to be good muslims

very few muslims want to look at the examples in the lives of the Sahaba(Rad)
the simplicity with which they lived
today all of us want more & more & are willing to make any sacrifice to earn it

our pious elders of the past used to be content with little
today we want whatever the kuffaar show us on TV

we base our idea of a good life on what they tell/show us


and Allah ta'ala knows best
jazakallah

 

[Aapa]

Assalaam alaikum,

One With Allah,

What can I say. You are clueless. You comments reflect your prejudices. Your comments are cold and empty. How dare you speak of Muslim sisters who are struggling to raise Muslim children by themselves.
As you knowledge is very limited let me teach you something. Section 8 housing lists are closed. The wait is usually 5 years. I have worked with many clients in the past trying to get housing. As for welfare checks they are minimal. The checks are next to nothing. The system checks constantly. Jobs are very few and hard to come by. Water and electricity are constantly being shut-off. Food banks are empty. This is not a game.
Women trying to put food on the table for survival. There are times when the only meal a child gets is the school lunch and breakfast. Thank the Black Panthers for that.

We are not discussing how things should be. We are looking at reality in the face. If you were to make the comments you have to a group of struggling sisters in person you would need police protection and the policeman would turn his back to you. You are naive.

The society we live in is hard. There are constant reminders of wanting to break down the family. Brother Malcolm X warned us to keep the family intact. No-one wants government intervention in the family. We have Hollywood promoting homosexuality. We live in a world where demonic music is blasted every second. I take the time to analyze the lyrics. ( need to write a thread on that).

We also have many cultures of Islam intermingling in a very hybrid culture. In short, it is chaos.

In the masjids that try to have family events it becomes a money thing. Everything is about money. The all day Muslim family trip to the wonderpark will coast a family over $300.00. A single mother can not afford this. I know a sister who does not have the money to take her family to jumma. Imagine that, not a single volunteer to help her with a ride.

The solutions are simple. But, there is no implementation. The bodies that need to work simply are non-existent. Simple case in point, many wives of imams do nothing at the masjids. You have imams who are out of touch with reality. If a sister needs zakat she has to wait over two weeks. The board of directors has to meet and decide. She has no choice but to go to the kufr charities. They take ten minutes.

Marriage is a good thing. Couples who are having difficulty need to be honest with themselves and try to salvage the marriage. Often it is the simplest of matters.

Parents want the girls to excel in school. When she marries and has a career she will not want to take the back seat. It makes no sense. She has done everything she was asked to do; she makes good money; she has a great career; she can not be told what to do by a man. We need to educated our younger sisters on what is really important for the long journey. The brothers work side-by-side of the sexy kufr woman. They are beautiful. Temptation is all around. We need spiritual leaders to help the couples.

Money is a major reason for break-ups. The pulling of meeting needs plays a factor. You have so much going on in the individual life there is little time for the couple.

I apologize for the length of the response.

 

[Aapa]

Assalaam alaikum,

Here you go again.


If you notice the strong brothers, the pious brothers, the men on this forum do not disrespect the sisters. I humbly request that a strong brother respond to this misguided youth and explain to him the ramifications of slandering Believing sisters. It is a serious matter.

As for the sisters that this arrogant youth has insulted InshaAllah, we will be given blessings by Allah subhana wa taala. Forgive him, he is reckless. His heart is cold because he has not seen reality. Make dua for him, when reality hits him he will need our dua.

Son, ask Allah subhana wa taala for forgiveness. You are embarking upon great sin. It is not a light matter. On a public forum that is Islamic you denigrate sisters who profess Belief. Those who wish to revert you send a message that it is fair game for an unmarried young man to slur public humiliation on his sisters in faith. You take serious discussions and water them down to trivialities wishing to cause dissension amongst sisters. You speak about the desirable qualities of a married sister, are you crazy? You have no knowledge. Go and seek forgiveness.

 

[Hard Rock Moslem]

:salam2:

This is a serious issue from what I have observed. We have marriages breaking down left, right and centre and due to the pain and anguish involved people’s faith is being affected to the point that they begin to question :Allah:

So many brothers and sisters are getting depressed.

Many can't find partners. Those who have partners don't seem to have a match.

How do we solve these issues?

If you take the Prophet (blessings and peace be upon Him) marriages as your qudwah or role model, issues can be easily solve. He has 9 or 11 or 12 wives. Those married with wife much older, should take The Prophet and Mother of Believers Kadijah (may Allah be pleased with her) as role model. Those men married with wife much younger, should take the Prophet and Aishah (may Allah be pleased with her) as role model. Those married to wife equally intelligent, should take life of the Prophet with Ummu Salamah (may Allah be pleased with her) as role model. If you married with politician, take life of the Prophet and Hafsa (may Allah be pleased with her) as your role model. From whichever angle you see, The Prophet is the role model.

 

[elqouds2020]

السلام عليكم نعم ينبغي ان يكون رسول الله صلى الله عليه و سلام قدواتنا في الامور كلها في حياته الزوجية و معى اصحابه فى شتى المجلات حتى نكون مع الحبيب صلى الله عليه و سلام في جنات النعيم و الملرء مع من احب .................................Hello yes, should have been a messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and peace Kaddoatna in all things in his marriage and me his friends in various magazines even be with the beloved Allah bless him and peace in heaven, and Almlra with love

 

[hayat84]

Sister Aapa,your compliment warmed my heart,you understood what I meant.

Sister Shanaaz,I'm an example of violence and abuse,I had a bad childhood,this was my test and I understood that Allah was near me,even if my father beated me without any reason.How could I allow to my husband to beat me?I formed my character and this why I can judge myself one of the best women who hates men(except my husband) and doesn't trust to all the women.the word "punishment" is to intend with the point of view of a person who after the abuse refuges her heart to Allah,even if she is in pain and hopes to escape.there is no justification for violence,sister,if you are angry because of the post,I'm sorry,maybe my grammatic is poor,but the message is not that it's right to be submitted to husband's violence:the message is not to surrender,because That Day it will be asked to the violent man why he used to beat his beloved wife.