Mourning For The Dead
We have to distinguish between grief, sorrow and sadness on the one hand and wailing, tearing clothes and physically harming oneself on the other. The first are feelings that one experiences at the loss of a close relative or an intimate friend. The second are physical manifestations of such feelings aimed to show that one is in grief. As far as feelings are concerned, these are experienced by everyone and there is no harm in them. When the Prophet (peace be upon him) lost his son, Ibraheem, he was in tears. He is reported to have said: “The eye is tearful and the heart is saddened and we are in grief for losing you, Ibraheem.” This sums up the natural sadness one feels at the loss of a loved one. In the Hadiths the reader mentions, the Prophet is reported to have wept when Umamah, his granddaughter died in childhood. Saad ibn Ubadah asked him: “Do you weep, Messenger of God? Have you not ordered Zaynab (Umamah’s mother) not to?” He answered: “This is a feeling of compassion God has placed in His servants’ hearts. He bestows mercy on those of His servants that are compassionate.” This means that feelings of sorrow and sadness are perfectly acceptable, provided that grief is coupled with resignation and acceptance of God’s will.
Wailing and other physical and excessive manifestations of sorrow, such as tearing clothes, beating oneself, hitting one’s chest, etc. are strictly forbidden, because they are tantamount to protesting at God’s will. People who wail when they lose a close relative may shout: “To whom are you leaving us?” This is gross indeed. It is as if the deceased had a choice. Besides, how do we prove our faith in God if we were to protest at His action in causing the death of a relative? We should accept His will and pray to Him to bestow mercy on the deceased and to take care of those he left behind.
The Prophet made clear that all such physical manifestations of grief are prohibited. He explained that such actions are a cause of suffering to the deceased. Ibn Umar reports: “When Umar was stabbed, he was unconscious. People cried loud for him. When he came to, he said: “Are you not aware that the Prophet said: ‘A dead person is in torment as a result of wailing by those who are alive.’” (Related by Al-Bukhari and Muslim.)
There are other authentic Hadiths stressing the same point. We need to explain here that these Hadiths do not mean that God will punish the deceased for his relatives’ wailing. To suggest this is incompatible with God’s justice, which makes everyone accountable only for his/her own deeds. What the Hadiths mean is that their relatives’ actions are shown to the deceased and he is hurt by them.
The Prophet is quoted as saying: “Your deeds are shown to those of your relatives and kinsfolk who had died. If such deeds are good they are delighted, and if they are not, they pray to God, saying: ‘Please God, do not let them die until You have given them guidance as You had given us.’” (Related by Ahmad and Al-Tirmidhi. )
There are numerous Hadiths that make absolutely clear that wailing and similar actions are forbidden. Umm Atiyyah, a lady companion of the Prophet, reports: “The Prophet asked us to pledge that we will never wail.” (Related by Al-Bukhari and Muslim.) He also said: “Unless a wailing woman repents before she dies, she will have on the Day of Judgment an outfit made of tar and a dress that causes her skin to split.” (Related by Ahmad and Muslim.)
The term ‘mourning’ includes both feelings and apparent signs of it. As we have explained, feelings are acceptable when they are coupled with resignation and acceptance of God’s will. Apparent signs include that a woman refrains from wearing perfume or make up, including blackening eyelashes, and using lipstick and facial powders. A woman may be in mourning for a close relative provided that this lasts only for three days, except for her husband.
The Prophet says: “A woman may not be in mourning for any deceased person for more than three days, except for her husband. She is in mourning for him for four months and ten days. During this time, she does not wear a colorful dress, except of the Asb type, and she does not blacken her eyelashes, wear perfume, uses make up, does her hair except after her period, when she may use a touch of perfume.” (Related by Al-Bukhari, Muslim, Al-Nassaie, Abu Dawood and Ibn Majah.)
Needless to say, the relation between man and wife is a special one. Therefore, a widow is expected to be in such mourning during her waiting period, which is normally four months and ten days.
A man is forbidden to be in such mourning for any length of time. Some people wear a black tie or abstain from shaving if they are clean shaven. Any such manifestation of grief by a man is not permissible.
be strong sis. keep faith.do ur daily prayers. Take long, fresh walks outside - help it soothe ur mind. Sis- we're all with you.
