My wife is so different- help

Discussion in 'Women, Family, and Marriage' started by brucelee786, May 14, 2014.

  1. brucelee786
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    Salaam all,

    I have been married 10 years. For the first few years, my marriage was great. However, after a few years and the birth of our child, my wife does not do anything 'wifely'. Let me elaborate.

    This may get long, but there is no other way to explain. I would like feedback from sisters and brothers. She is a house wife. I understand she is busy with the child and kids can be demanding. However, fast forward 9 years, and there is no improvement.

    Tell me if I am being unfair or reasonable.

    I know my wife loves me, that isn't the question. My issue is with how lazy she is. She has no grooming habits. She has never been to a salon. She has gained a ton of weight (50+lbs) since we married and it is only getting worse as obesity runs in her family. She never wears heels, makeup, lingerie, combs/curls/straighten her hair or anything. When she does, it is a 5min put lipstick dress up just for me and it shows clearly how much time she spent. Her hairstyle, outfits, shoes have all been the same for 10years.

    No improvements in her since nikah. I have been making all improvements in myself, praying 5 times daily, eating right, exercise, leaving my corrupt friends, spending time home, etc.

    Her body is 110% neglected, from feet to hear head. I have basically begged her to groom herself, just how I groom myself and I work out and dress properly.

    She loves food and exercise is not in her blood line. That is a bad combination. To top it off, she does not cook. I have asked her countless times to cook some nice meals and wear nice clothes, but nothing works. My mother cooks mostly for us.

    I told my wife I would worship her (not literal) if she just did ANYTHING that a wife would do. I offered to take her to Hawaii, Australia, and give her the world if she just changes, but I get nothing.

    Anytime the azaan goes off and we need to pray, I go right away to pray. She counts how many hours she has till the next azaan before she prays. She also will miss many prayers. Many times she will sit and pray because her knees hurt from the weight- but she just will not lose the weight. We have tried many diets for so many years, she just has no will power. Even 1 pound a month if she lost, in a few years her goal is reached.

    I feel she is hopeless. I tried not speaking to her, but a week goes by, she begs me to talk and vows she will change. It is going on for 8yrs now! I rather have a wife who cheats on me than to live this way daily.

    She also sleeps in our child's room since birth and I sleep alone in our room. We really do nothing as a couple. We watch movies at times, but overall, it just is not a healthy relation. We do not eat any meals together.

    On weekends, if we ever go out, she will wear the same outfits EVERY weekend that she wore for 8 years. I told her to buy new clothes, buy whatever, but due to her weight, nothing fits her, so as a result, she never dresses up.

    I pre-paid for her salon service in 2012- that coupon is STILL not used and it is 2014!

    She gets jealous of pretty girls she sees, but she totally refuses to change herself. She dresses like an old woman, wears flat shoes, same hijab for a decade, i mean NOTHING different.

    So to summarize, no cooking, bare minimum cleaning, no grooming habits, no new outfits, nothing, zip, zilch, zero.... what do i do!? I mean if she cooked and did other things, I can overlook beauty, or if she gave beauty, i can overlook cooking. But she does NOTHING as a wife!

    I also told her to get a nice job if she cannot do anything else as a wife, but even that she cannot do.

    If I was a non-Muslim, I think I would drink my problems away, but I cannot do that.
    Last edited: May 14, 2014
  2. strangerhax
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    walikum us salam first of all please tell me you actual name "Mariam" name is for ladies and please brother dont say i would worship her. Worshiping is only for Allah second thing we can just pray for because you didn't miss any bad in your wife. Do salah for 5 times and tahajod( atleast 40 days) too because Allah must listen the prayers after tahajod. Jazak Allah.
  3. dancinglibrarian13
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    Have you maybe tried accepting her for who she is or maybe helping her with the kids instead of harping on her all the time about her appearance? If my husband harped on me about my appearance all the time after dealing with the kids all day, I would sleep in my child's room too. Look at it from the other side, you get married, have your body change because you carry children for your husband (pregnancy is hard on a woman's body; I can't wear heels ever again because of the toll both of my pregnancies took on my body) and then instead of getting recognition for the hard work of raising said children you get nothing but "why didn't you do this, why didn't you do that, why can't you be more like this, etc.?" How would you feel? Have you tried taking the kids for the day and giving her a day off and time to do something she might like to do other than making herself look pretty for you? Maybe there might have been some postpartum depression and sleep deprivation that never got resolved because as mothers and wives we try our best and put our family's need in front of our own and we can't see that we are slowly sinking further. It's hard for us to take that time for ourselves when there are half a dozen things that have to be done around the house and not much help with it. Sometimes we need a gentle reminder to take care of ourselves (like "hey honey, you've been working hard lately taking care of the kids, why don't you go do something for yourself? I'll watch over the children, don't worry about it.) I'm not sure if you have done any of this, just going by what I saw in the post and trying to give you the other side. Just some suggestions.
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  4. brucelee786
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    brucelee786 Junior Member

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    Sister, did you read my entire message, or did you just skim read it? Of course I help with the kids. My wife does not cook or do ANYTHING for me. What are you missing? Do you think my child who will be a teen in 5 years is that demanding that my wife no longer needs to fulfill her duties as a wife? Is that a valid excuse? We know many women who have had their 3rd child, but within 6-7 years, all women get their figure back, cook, or do SOMETHING as a wife. I am not asking my wife to be a model. I just say DRESS UP. Cook something.

    I do EVERYTHING as a husband/father. I do not get that in return. You missed my point.

    Tell me something, what did the prophet (pbuh) say are qualities to look for in a woman?

    You want me to accept her not cooking, praying, taking care of her body, and basically 'bum' all day. My child is not a toddler... She has had over 9 years to improve.

    Or is improving only my job?

    If I was unemployed, gained 60+lbs weight, didn't groom myself at all (there are groomed chunky women), would it be okay for her to accept me just how I am?
    Last edited: May 14, 2014
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  5. Cariad
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    Cariad Junior Member

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    Your wife could be depressed. Maybe you should try and persuade her to seek advice from a doctor. Before she can show love towards you she needs to also love herself.. If she feels bad about herself but lacks the will to confront the problems then I do think she needs help. Maybe from outside the family unit like a doctor or healthcare professional. Just telling a person they should do this or that or snap out of it does no good and just makes the person feel worthless.

    Continue to offer your wife praise and support and encourage her to maybe taking the first step to getting her old self back. Are your children well cared for by your wife? If so.. Then tell her what a great mum she is and how lucky her children are to have her. Tell her you love her and remember that love should be unconditional..

    I wish you well. :)
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  6. SonOfAdam
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    Wa Aleykum Selam,

    May Allah reward your patience akhi. It is easy to pick negative things out, but please be aware that she also has many positive things about her. I am sure she is a great mother as she even sleeps with your kids (instead of with you which is very odd) and you have not complained about her here. This is a lot and not easy, so you should really appreciate that about her. Think of all the horrible irresponsible moms out there that neglect their kids. Also, her not wanting clothes and other girly things can be a big plus sometimes. Some girls spend so much money on such things, though I agree her not getting dressed up and always wearing the same things is odd for a girl. Is it really that bad though, she must have more than one thing she wears every weekend... I would suggest that you go buy her clothes. Most women love gifts and she sounds like she would wear them for you if you got them to try to please you. She would think it is romantic and nice too and this may help your relationship and begin to step things in a new more healthy direction inshallah.

    You can also buy a home gym, treadmill etc. inshallah and make it a couple thing to work out together. It is very hard for people to exercise and break out of their lazy routine, it seems like you have only recently done this yourself too. Women in general often need their man to lead the way so continue to encourage her and try to avoid negative comments that make her feel ugly or unwanted. Mention that you want her to be healthy and live a long healthy life together with her and the kids- you don't want to lose her and the kids will need her (i.e. at their weddings etc.- she will get scared and want to be more healthy then inshallah). You have been with her for 10 years so just remain patient inshallah and make dua, you two are still young mashallah and have plenty of time to straighten your affairs. Try your best to be a good influence on her and put your trust in Allah SWT, only Allah can change her ways. Your responsibility is only to warn her and help her.

    Your mom living their is probably part of the problem, if she was not there then she would feel more inclined to cook. Make sure she is aware of all these things you are mentioning, she may not know and able to take a hint or know how serious you are at times. So make sure all the things you want you can tell her openly and easily- don't do it in public obviously but in privacy and in a nice way.

    Recite a lot of dua and surah Baqarah in the house, ayat al kursi. This will help get rid of shaiteen that make you guys lazy and come between you inshallah. Sleeping apart is a great success for the shaiteen, so don't do this. Take her to the mesjid if she does not pray at home properly so her heart can soften there and she can also be around some nice sisters to influence her better. Women mainly just talk about clothes, shopping, cooking, etc. so this will be a good influence and make her more girly as you wished inshallah.

    Take her to Australia, Hawaii etc. anyway, you may have to give a lot more before you get, this is just the way it is for most men. Always a struggle and as men we should lead the way. Just doing it for the sake of Allah SWT is best anway and your family will also be happy for the nice time on vacation. Take her on long walks when you get home from work, put the kids to sleep go for walks at night... this is good excercise. And vacation you have to be in shape because you don't even sit! As long as you don't gorge on fast food every night, you will definitely lose weight.

    Also, make sure you set some clear cut do's/don't and set lines where she should not cross (and also you). For example, sleeping with the kids is totally unacceptable, she needs to be with you at night. You need to be firm- not sure how firm you are but I think you may need to push her in some areas harder, not talking seems to be working as it really makes her come after you and promise for change- stay at it, but you already know how she is- can't keep her promises, so don't worry if she breaks it. It is just who she is, so you have already got used to it anyway and been living with it, but inshallah it will get better. If she is like this, it makes it easier on you too- she probably doesn't expect you to keep every last promise or follow all these details- most women don't care about these things anyway I think. She can only change a little at a time, it will not happen overnight most likely and never will fully be at the level you want so inshallah try to be happy with what you have to, say elhamdulillah- at least she is not cheating on me! I don't think you mean those words.... it is disturbing when you say such things, I hope you're joking. That is the worst thing one can do, she is not doing anything near this bad! This is so bad that the punishment is death in Islam so it is not something we should wish upon ourselves or think it is better than being lazy.

    If it does not work you should also consider getting a marriage counselor to help out- it will help to get another's perspective on your relationship. Sometimes when you get advice from others it hits home but from your spouse the same words don't sound right.

    This life is short and a test, the next life is the real life full of endless joy's and please so have sabr inshallah and use this as a way to control your nefs and improve your character inshallah. Focus on your kids too, she is always around them so it is a good way for you guys to become closer and spend time together too. Take the kids out to the park, themeparks etc. this is also good exercise, get active!
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  7. dancinglibrarian13
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    I apologize. I did not mean to offend. I did read your post multiple times before replying. I could not tell around how old your child was since you said that "However, after a few years and the birth of our child". I thought that maybe the birth of your child did not happen soon after marriage, a few years later, and your child may have been younger. I also did not mean to imply that you did not help with the children or the house. I was trying to give a perspective from being a wife and mother myself how saying these things can be perceived as a woman. It is also why I suggested that depression might be in play as well if it was beyond the postpartem stage. I was just trying to suggest maybe instead of offering something to make her look different, maybe see if trying to coax her into doing something out of the house that she might like to do to give her incentive. I will also take full responsibility for some of the comments possibly coming off as snarky due to myself being still hormonal from having my 2nd child just shy of 6 months ago and dealing with 2 children under the age of 3. Again I sincerely apologize for any offense I may have caused.
  8. brucelee786
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    no offense... no worries. Anytime a man complains about a wife, the usual answer from women is stop asking her to look good and just accept her. If the tables were turned and I was a 'bum' at home, I think she would have divorced me.

    I have tried everything possible. She isn't depressed at all. After 8 years, 2 presidential terms, 2 college terms, you would think anyone can change.

    When I say she doesn't do anything for me, it is not exaggeration.

    Sister, you have 2 children. Do you fully neglect your body, forget diet, I mean normal grooming habits, is that all gone? Do you cook? Do you keep the house clean? Do you comb your hair? Do you wear the same clothes each time you go out?
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  9. Um Ibrahim
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    Um Ibrahim Alhamdulilah :)

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    Asalaamu alaykum,

    Brother please don't say all women will just say that. I am a woman with two small children and i dont think the situation you described is OK. No matter how many children one has, as hard and challenging as taking care of a family is, there's still no excuse for letting ones self go to that extent. That's why you should seek help from professional doctors and even imams and involve her family. You have to tell her how much this is affecting you and that if she is not willing to do something about it than that your relationship and marriage may very well breakdown. Show her this exact post so she can understand the seriousness of your disappointment and grief. It seems like you are patient so mashaaAllah, Allah will reward you for your patience inshaAllah.

    Sometimes the key ingredient that's always missing in a marriage is communication. You have to somehow communicate to her that you are not with how she is now. Hopefully once she realizes how you feel she will get herself together. May Allah make your wife better for you. Amin.
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  10. brucelee786
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    Wasalaam,

    I didn't mean all women, but many. Good for you for realizing there is no excuse to let ones self go. I did involve her older sister, but she too is obese, so it didn't matter what I said.

    As for communication, my goodness, I have spelled it out for her now. I started off with hints, to now bluntly telling her, to avoiding her, to anything I can try.

    You know in Islam Allah says that ever since a girl is 1-2 yrs of age, He has put in them the desire for beauty. However, I wonder why my wife is missing this key component.

    These women are plus size but beautiful: http://www.cosmopolitan.com/cosmo-latina/street-style/latina-plus-sized-models

    However, grooming is something no matter how big you are, you need to do, especially if you are married!

    I hate getting too personal, but since this is anonymous, I can tell you she sleeps in our child's room because she began to snore after the weight gain, and I work in mornings and cannot sleep in same room with her because she keeps me up. My wife's feet, hands, nails, all rough and neglected. Hair frizzed and just untouched.

    What about cooking? She has no desire to cook even. As for cleaning, I mean just the bare minimum. Job? Earn a nice income if you cannot do anything else.

    I get ZERO. ZILCH. ZIP. NADA. ZED. O.

    I don't even look at her with attraction anymore, and she can care less. She says she cares and wants to change, but it is harder for her to change and seems easier to live this way- apart and 2 separate lives, for the past 8yrs.

    We don't even eat one meal in a day together. I was better off single.

    Is there any drug I can take equivalent to alcohol? Heroin? Cocaine? Suicide is haraam so I cannot do that. :12-angryredarms:

    What would a non-Muslim man do in this case? :rolleyes:
    Last edited: May 15, 2014
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  11. Cariad
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    Have you ever asked your wife what she really wants out of life?
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  12. brucelee786
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    Her answer: " I want to change, i want to be close to you, I want to be a good wife, give me one last chance".

    Of course i gave her 1000 chances... still not a single change. In fact, in the past 4 years, she gained 20lbs rather than lose 20 how she vowed to do!

    Do you know exactly how I feel? I feel like I inherited a child who I need to raise.
    Last edited: May 15, 2014
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  13. dancinglibrarian13
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    First off, if my husband "bummed" around the house and not keeping up with himself, and my efforts did not help, then I would probably look at a mental health issue like depression to see if that was a possibility or some other health issue. Many people cope with it and can seem not depressed at all and can seem functional. Many do function with, but barely and a constant struggle. People cannot just "snap out of it" or change it. When it comes down to it, you cannot see what is going on in a person's mind. Even if it isn't depression, maybe having someone else, like a friend, relative, or spiritual advisor talk to her instead. Sometimes it takes an outside voice to make things click.

    While I do basic grooming habits, it is definitely low maintenance grooming (no makeup, no curling or straightening or blow drying hair, rare visits to a hair salon) since I have someone needing my attention at any given moment. Then again, these things were not in my normal routine anyway before I was married, only for special occasions. We share cooking responsibilities. I am not dieting at this moment as I am nursing my baby and cannot reduce my calories too much to risk losing my supply. Am I not trying to lose weight, but not gain it either. We do try not to eat too much processed foods or takeout, but we both work full time outside the home. Sometimes it is a necessary evil after being away from the house all day. The house is by no means spotless, but we do our best. Yes I do wear some of the same outfits each time I go out. They are clean, they are still in great condition, and they are what fit at the moment. They are practical for this stage in my life at the moment.
  14. brucelee786
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    Sister, you are in a different boat. You have 2 kids under the age of 3 AND you both work full time? So you already are contributing to the home and helping your husband. IF our child was a toddler, I would be more understandable just how I was years ago when I thought in time she will improve... but when the child is now 8yrs old, and my wife continues to gain weight, NOT able to cook any food, not contribute in anyway, then something is wrong.

    You are suggesting she is depressed. I don't see that at all and when she is with her family, they eat like there is no tomorrow. That isn't depression.

    She told me this, so what does it mean: "I don't care about beauty and I only want to lose weight and look good for you". Hence why it always fails for her.

    Now I told her, forget beauty, cook good meals in the home or work. I really don't get much.
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  15. Um Ibrahim
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    Um Ibrahim Alhamdulilah :)

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    Wow. You seem like you are in a really unhealthy marriage for you to want to turn to drugs or alcahol. Please don't force yourself. If not anyone else than talk to someone with an Islamic knowledge and get their honest opinion and advice then pray istikhara and make a decision on whether or not you want to even be in this kind of a marriage. It's situations like this that really elevate people's stress level and sometimes they might do things which they will regret forever. Please do not get to that point. Get you and her the counseling and help you both need!
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  16. brucelee786
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    no, i won't do drugs or anything like that. i just keep praying, but she is hopeless. i never met a woman as lazy as her.. wish I can turn back time.
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  17. SilverTG
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    Salaamz brother,

    overlook of what a non-Muslim might do and focus more on what the ideal Muslim would do...
    It is most likely that your wife is suffering from something.. perhaps depression or stress. (She could be disappointed in herself more than you are in her.)

    You can give her aid in some tasks, if you are able, like getting a nanny and so forth.

    If you feel that she is giving negativity, then you must give and show her positive, as the other way around could only make things worse.
    'If one is fire then the other must be water.'

    Also, try counting the positive in her, thank Allah that she is Muslim and.. well you know the rest.

    You also seem to be counting all the right in you, remember that you like her are not perfect.

    May Allah reward your patience, Allah tests those He loves. :)
    Wa salaam.
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  18. MeadowDust
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    MashaAllah you seem to be making efforts, and from your posts you are not too demanding, since you said if she cooks at least and that beauty will not really matter.

    Do you drink green tea? It is a good and healthy way to lose weight. If you can get some good green tea, dried leaves, and ask your wife if she can take it at least two times a day, morning and evening. It's really great, even without sugar. I also heard of white tea, you could look up on that. Also put more fruits into the diet. And jog together if possible.

    Also as a member has mentioned, you could get her new clothes to wear, for home or out. And even make-up if you like, doesn't have to be too expensive, just moderate and simple. And I don't know how these stuff works, but what about that spark when you first got married? Maybe try to bring that back? It doesn't have to be exactly, but the feelings of love and wanting the best for each other should be there in both sides.

    Most importantly, it is a crucial time for change. Especially obesity is not easy to get rid of. Hopefully she will understand that, and with you to help make her journey easier, the motivation shall be there. Also find out if anything is bothering her or she is having stress or depression, or is just laziness. All the best.

    Most important of all, help her in her prayers, to pray five times a day. Slowly slowly till in sha Allah she will want to pray on time all five prayers.

    And Allah knows best the situations.
    Last edited: May 16, 2014
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  19. Precious Star
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    When I hear that someone does not groom themselves, I immediately assume it means that they don't shower, they don't brush their teeth, they wear dirty clothes, etc.

    But I don't get that impression when I read the rest of your post. It seems that by lack of grooming, you really mean beautification. It seems that you are put off by your wife's weight and her lack of motivation to beautify herself -- get her hair and makeup done, spice up her wardrobe, wear high heels, etc.

    Not all women are into these things. If she is simple in that regard, then perhaps you have to accept that about her. IF she was a dirty, messy sloth, eating hamburgers all day whilst watching Oprah, then that's a different story. It doesn't seem that's the case. It sounds like she's a good mother, and she loves you, but she doesn't like to cook and she doesn't like to get dolled up.

    Losing weight is hard, brother. It requires a lot of discipline, exercise, etc. It is even harder when you are caring for a child and home. Perhaps you need to do family activities that involve doing something physical - like hiking, for example, or snowshoeing in the winter, or biking with your son.

    Look, not everyone cooks. I am a terrible cook, and I always will be. I don't have a family but sometimes I cook for my parents because they are old, and trust me they hate my food. They eat it because they have to, but I'm sure if there was another alternative, they would take that alternative.

    Human beings are multi-faceted. Maybe she doesn't like cooking but she might be good at other things. If you can afford to help with the cooking, that's great, it adds to family harmony.

    Wheny you say "she does nothing for me", I'm not sure what you mean. If you mean that she doesn't lose weight for you, or wear high heels for you, then you have to undergo some inner inquiry to determine what is it that you need from a wife.

    Obviously, she is not having sex with you. But it seems like you have not told her that you do not find that situation acceptable. Why don't you tell her that you would like to sleep with her and you find her sexy and attractive? if you resume a sex life with her, she may feel more motivated to beautify herself for you.

    Also, I'm just wondering if she has any complaints about you. No one is perfect. You might be lacking in some things that you are not aware of. Overall, you have not mentioned anything "bad" about this woman. She doesn't drink, she doesn't swear, she does not beat your child, you haven't indicated that she is cruel to your mother, she does not go unwashed/unshowered. Yes, maybe she does not bolt to the prayer mat when the azan is called but brother everyone's religious practice varies along a spectrum. You can't expect someone to be your spiritual twin -- that is not realistic. Do you know how hard it is to find a decent muslim as a spouse these days? so she takes her time to finish her salaat -- you can find A LOT WORSE in a muslim spouse, trust me on that.
    • Agree Agree x 1
  20. Anwar Shah
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    Anwar Shah Member

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    Salaam wa Alaikam

    Last edited: May 16, 2014
    • Ma sha Allah! Ma sha Allah! x 1

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