Please help this new muslim in a miserable marriage

Asalamualaikum my brothers and sisters

I have found myself in a troubling situation and am struggling to know what to do.

I converted to Islam 16 months ago alhamdulillah, and alhamdulillah my journey so far has been incredible. I attended prayer workshops and new-muslim socials and managed to find myself within a good network of practicing muslimahs. My family have also been very accepting of my new religion alhamdulillah and a few months ago I began to wear hijab full time.

I have been blessed in so many ways that I feel scared of seeming ungrateful, but despite the many ways in which Allah has created ease for me, I find myself depressed, confused, and with very low self esteem. One month after my shahada, I got married, and it has been a very difficult marriage from the word 'go'. My reason for posting here is to seek help and guidance. I study Islam by reading and listening to lectures, and I try to implement this new knowledge into my own life, but sometimes I struggle to see if I am doing what is right. My ultimate goal is to please Allah, and I don't want to act in a way that earns his punishment. So I ask you, brothers and sisters, if you will be able to help me with this problem inshaAllah, and advise me as a muslim how best I should act in this situation.

I had known my husband for just less than a year when we got married. He is British-born Bangladeshi, 2 years older than me, and I thought the sun shone out his backside. He seemed mature for his age, he was generous, very charitable, intelligent - we would talk for hours about politics and we taught each other a lot, plus he would teach me about Islam (it was he who introduced me to this beautiful religion).

Once my husband moved in with me, everything changed. He was no longer happy-go-lucky as he had previously been, but was tense, angry, and aggressive. My confidence completely nose-dived. I couldn't get anything right - try as I might, I could never please him. For weeks I wouldn't get through a single day without being shouted at for something. But as quickly as his anger switches on, it will sometimes just switch back off again, so I am left completely confused and insecure. He will call me 'Baby' and 'f***ing b****' in the same sentence, so I don't know if I'm coming or going. Likewise, I can be under the impression that everything is dandy, only to discover that there's suddenly a volcano right next to me spewing lava and poison in my face without warning.

To give you an example of my dumb, foolish naivety, I once sent a text to my husband asking what 'tweets' he would like me to send out for his business that day; he replied saying "I can't be bothered with women." I read this whilst strolling to the shops, admiring the ducks, skipping into the sunshine, and thought, 'oh no, has he fallen out with his mother?' I text him back asking what was wrong, only to then find myself on the receiving end of an absolute avalanche of text messages, text after text after text of insult after insult after insult, wallahi they were coming through for hours, right through the evening to the point where I just switched my phone off. I looked into booking a train to my parents house but couldn't afford it, so just stayed in our flat dreading the time for him to come home. Astaghfurullah, my biggest mistake which I deeply regret and repent to Allah in pleading for His forgiveness, is that my fear of my husband began to overcome my fear of Allah. My husband used such vile language towards me, I desperately wanted to avoid ever causing him to feel angry. I believed it was my fault. I remember on one occasion, it was time to pray Asr. My husband was phoning me asking me to walk up to his work place and bring him some food. I wanted to pray but was scared of making my husband wait, so I prioritised taking his food to him. I am so ashamed of this.

As months passed, my husband's behaviour worsened. He began to drink alcohol and take cocaine, which is a habit he had battled with in the past, but had ceased. He told me he didn't want to be back on it and wanted to break the habit, so I did my best to stop him, but I didn't always succeed. Sometimes he would tell me he was going out to buy cigarettes, then wouldn't come home until 7am the next morning. On other similar occasions he would tell me he had a meeting with one of his staff members, but wouldn't come home until the next day. He would ignore all of my phone calls, leaving me wondering if he is even still alive. His bright idea to stop me worrying about where he was and what he was doing, he started taking the drugs in our house. (Alhamdulillah no children live here with us). The cocaine makes him so paranoid, he would just sit in the dark with all the lights off, while I would be upstairs crying my eyes out. During these nights I would hide his phone and his keys to prevent him from going out or ordering more drugs, which of course initiated a hurl of abuse my way. Alhamdulillah the most he has ever done to me in terms of physical abuse is just push me a few times, but he would threaten to hurt me with statements along the lines of 'I am going to knock your f***ing head off your f***ing neck'. The drugs always made his anger worse, and after one night of binging, I knew I would be in for a week of insults, put downs, shouting, swearing, etc. My husband has admitted to me that when he is angry, he just wants to make me feel angry as well, so he insults me as much as he can, digging deep and going very personal. But the thing is it doesn't make me angry, it makes me feel tiny, it makes me feel hated, depressed and weak.

I tried very hard to take note of what made him angry and desperately tried to never let these things happen again, in the hope that we would then be happy. I was so naive! I received the blame for so many things, I began to believe it was my fault. If he missed a payment on his credit card, it was my fault because I didn't remind him. If he left his clothes on the floor, I was shouted at for not picking them up. When the carpet fitters made a mistake, it was my fault. When his phone bill was too high, it was my fault. When we had new windows and doors fitted, and the door fitters came to finish the job on the final day, the backdoor keys were nowhere to be found. I was called back from a Qur'an lesson to help find them, my husband going absolutely ballistic at me (in front of the other men) for not knowing where they were. We later found them in his trouser pocket. I have on occasion caught myself apologising for something that I had absolutely no control over - for example, a traffic jam - just because it had been so ingrained in my mind that I was the cause of all this negativity.

In January this year, after 10 months of marriage, my husband's behaviour became too much for me to bear any longer, and I packed my backs with the intention of staying with my parents for a few weeks while he sorted his head out. My Grandad had passed away, so I was going to spend some time with my family anyway, it just happened that on the day I was set to get the train, my husband's anger exploded (the aftermath of another binge), I phoned my mum in tears, and she drove the 200 mile journey up to - basically - rescue me.

This was a turning point in our marriage. After a 4 hour phone call between the two of us, my husband finally realised that our marriage had in fact been an abusive relationship and that he had completely bullied me. He said he had no idea he was doing this to me and was mortified at the way he had behaved. I returned to him, and things felt positive, but not for long. We celebrated our 1 year anniversary in March, and by April we had fallen apart again. After returning from my parents' home in January, although I was willing to give my husband another chance, I was deeply hurt and emotionally in tatters. After being put through so much pain, I ended up blocking him out emotionally, like I had put a wall of defence around myself. This obviously upset my husband and he desperately tried to fix everything, but I felt like I was being rushed and pressured into letting my guard down before I was ready. I didn't want to be withdrawn like that, but at the same time couldn't just switch the trust back on on demand. My husband couldn't understand why I didn't still feel the same as I did when we first got married. He can't understand the fact that I am wounded and damaged, and he keeps telling me that love should stay the same no matter what and that I should never want to leave him. By attempting to protect myself, it's like I've made our marriage worse. I've damaged my husband's ego, and he now tells me that he never intends to feel attached to me like before and will always keep me at arms length. I have managed to further damage his ego in another incident, which wasn't at all intended as malicious or spiteful - he asked me to roll him a cigarette, and I gently explained that I didn't want to as it was a sin. I have learnt my lesson from before, from putting my husband before Allah, and I sincerely pray that I don't go there ever again.

The cigarette incident was over a month ago and he still brings it up, to this day, as an example of how I don't care about him anymore, despite my extensive efforts to prove him wrong. I don't know what to do. He says he understands that I was just following Islam, but he still won't let it go.

He went to a couple of anger management sessions, but has since decided he can't be bothered. He has taken cocaine only once that I'm aware of since his wake-up call in January, and although I'm sure he still drinks alcohol, he keeps it well hidden from me. The emotional abuse has eased a lot since the first year of our marriage, but it is still there. I am still sworn at for things like accidentally slamming doors (you know when windows are open and the air sucks it shut faster than you expected). He calls me a baby for asking him to make some time for me, as he works 7 days a week. I feel like I am in a robot marriage, just chugging through with no feelings. I know that we each have rights over each other, and I want to fulfil that, but I feel that the only right my husband is fulfilling is the finances. He earns good money and provides for me in that sense, but I would give back every penny in exchange for just feeling loved and wanted. I have done everything I can think of to rebuild my husband's ego and to get back our companionship, but nothing is working. I feel it is broken forever, and the most frustrating part is the fact that he blames me.

My husband has two children from a previous marriage, who both live with my husband's parents. Their mother/my husband's ex wife took off a couple of years ago and hasn't made any attempt to see her children since, which is a major factor into the reason why I haven't left my husband: I don't want to make the children and the family feel abandoned for a second time. I am part of the reason for the first wife leaving - my husband had an affair with me while he was still married to her (although at the time I had no idea she or the children existed, this was all kept secret from me).

Alhamdulillah, the past year or so has taught me many lessons in standing up for myself and knowing my priorities and my principals, but Allah knows I have had enough. My marriage is so miserable, when I hear of a fellow sister getting married, I don't feel excited for them, I feel worried for them. By Allah, I love being a wife, I love being a homemaker, I love being a step-mother and I love being a daughter-in-law. I just hate my marriage. If I wasn't muslim, I would have left my husband long ago. I daydream about running away and starting a new life abroad. But, it causes you to think a lot more deeply about your actions and their consequences. I am 27 years old. I would love to have children of my own inshaAllah, but am scared of the thought of my husband as the father of my children. Qadr Allah, I accept what is written for me, but I please ask for help in knowing what to do. How can I rebuild my own self esteem, and how can I make the best of this trial I find myself in?

I
 
Asalamualaikum my brothers and sisters

I have found myself in a troubling situation and am struggling to know what to do.

I converted to Islam 16 months ago alhamdulillah, and alhamdulillah my journey so far has been incredible. I attended prayer workshops and new-muslim socials and managed to find myself within a good network of practicing muslimahs. My family have also been very accepting of my new religion alhamdulillah and a few months ago I began to wear hijab full time.

I have been blessed in so many ways that I feel scared of seeming ungrateful, but despite the many ways in which Allah has created ease for me, I find myself depressed, confused, and with very low self esteem. One month after my shahada, I got married, and it has been a very difficult marriage from the word 'go'. My reason for posting here is to seek help and guidance. I study Islam by reading and listening to lectures, and I try to implement this new knowledge into my own life, but sometimes I struggle to see if I am doing what is right. My ultimate goal is to please Allah, and I don't want to act in a way that earns his punishment. So I ask you, brothers and sisters, if you will be able to help me with this problem inshaAllah, and advise me as a muslim how best I should act in this situation.

I had known my husband for just less than a year when we got married. He is British-born Bangladeshi, 2 years older than me, and I thought the sun shone out his backside. He seemed mature for his age, he was generous, very charitable, intelligent - we would talk for hours about politics and we taught each other a lot, plus he would teach me about Islam (it was he who introduced me to this beautiful religion).

Once my husband moved in with me, everything changed. He was no longer happy-go-lucky as he had previously been, but was tense, angry, and aggressive. My confidence completely nose-dived. I couldn't get anything right - try as I might, I could never please him. For weeks I wouldn't get through a single day without being shouted at for something. But as quickly as his anger switches on, it will sometimes just switch back off again, so I am left completely confused and insecure. He will call me 'Baby' and 'f***ing b****' in the same sentence, so I don't know if I'm coming or going. Likewise, I can be under the impression that everything is dandy, only to discover that there's suddenly a volcano right next to me spewing lava and poison in my face without warning.

To give you an example of my dumb, foolish naivety, I once sent a text to my husband asking what 'tweets' he would like me to send out for his business that day; he replied saying "I can't be bothered with women." I read this whilst strolling to the shops, admiring the ducks, skipping into the sunshine, and thought, 'oh no, has he fallen out with his mother?' I text him back asking what was wrong, only to then find myself on the receiving end of an absolute avalanche of text messages, text after text after text of insult after insult after insult, wallahi they were coming through for hours, right through the evening to the point where I just switched my phone off. I looked into booking a train to my parents house but couldn't afford it, so just stayed in our flat dreading the time for him to come home. Astaghfurullah, my biggest mistake which I deeply regret and repent to Allah in pleading for His forgiveness, is that my fear of my husband began to overcome my fear of Allah. My husband used such vile language towards me, I desperately wanted to avoid ever causing him to feel angry. I believed it was my fault. I remember on one occasion, it was time to pray Asr. My husband was phoning me asking me to walk up to his work place and bring him some food. I wanted to pray but was scared of making my husband wait, so I prioritised taking his food to him. I am so ashamed of this.

As months passed, my husband's behaviour worsened. He began to drink alcohol and take cocaine, which is a habit he had battled with in the past, but had ceased. He told me he didn't want to be back on it and wanted to break the habit, so I did my best to stop him, but I didn't always succeed. Sometimes he would tell me he was going out to buy cigarettes, then wouldn't come home until 7am the next morning. On other similar occasions he would tell me he had a meeting with one of his staff members, but wouldn't come home until the next day. He would ignore all of my phone calls, leaving me wondering if he is even still alive. His bright idea to stop me worrying about where he was and what he was doing, he started taking the drugs in our house. (Alhamdulillah no children live here with us). The cocaine makes him so paranoid, he would just sit in the dark with all the lights off, while I would be upstairs crying my eyes out. During these nights I would hide his phone and his keys to prevent him from going out or ordering more drugs, which of course initiated a hurl of abuse my way. Alhamdulillah the most he has ever done to me in terms of physical abuse is just push me a few times, but he would threaten to hurt me with statements along the lines of 'I am going to knock your f***ing head off your f***ing neck'. The drugs always made his anger worse, and after one night of binging, I knew I would be in for a week of insults, put downs, shouting, swearing, etc. My husband has admitted to me that when he is angry, he just wants to make me feel angry as well, so he insults me as much as he can, digging deep and going very personal. But the thing is it doesn't make me angry, it makes me feel tiny, it makes me feel hated, depressed and weak.

I tried very hard to take note of what made him angry and desperately tried to never let these things happen again, in the hope that we would then be happy. I was so naive! I received the blame for so many things, I began to believe it was my fault. If he missed a payment on his credit card, it was my fault because I didn't remind him. If he left his clothes on the floor, I was shouted at for not picking them up. When the carpet fitters made a mistake, it was my fault. When his phone bill was too high, it was my fault. When we had new windows and doors fitted, and the door fitters came to finish the job on the final day, the backdoor keys were nowhere to be found. I was called back from a Qur'an lesson to help find them, my husband going absolutely ballistic at me (in front of the other men) for not knowing where they were. We later found them in his trouser pocket. I have on occasion caught myself apologising for something that I had absolutely no control over - for example, a traffic jam - just because it had been so ingrained in my mind that I was the cause of all this negativity.

In January this year, after 10 months of marriage, my husband's behaviour became too much for me to bear any longer, and I packed my backs with the intention of staying with my parents for a few weeks while he sorted his head out. My Grandad had passed away, so I was going to spend some time with my family anyway, it just happened that on the day I was set to get the train, my husband's anger exploded (the aftermath of another binge), I phoned my mum in tears, and she drove the 200 mile journey up to - basically - rescue me.

This was a turning point in our marriage. After a 4 hour phone call between the two of us, my husband finally realised that our marriage had in fact been an abusive relationship and that he had completely bullied me. He said he had no idea he was doing this to me and was mortified at the way he had behaved. I returned to him, and things felt positive, but not for long. We celebrated our 1 year anniversary in March, and by April we had fallen apart again. After returning from my parents' home in January, although I was willing to give my husband another chance, I was deeply hurt and emotionally in tatters. After being put through so much pain, I ended up blocking him out emotionally, like I had put a wall of defence around myself. This obviously upset my husband and he desperately tried to fix everything, but I felt like I was being rushed and pressured into letting my guard down before I was ready. I didn't want to be withdrawn like that, but at the same time couldn't just switch the trust back on on demand. My husband couldn't understand why I didn't still feel the same as I did when we first got married. He can't understand the fact that I am wounded and damaged, and he keeps telling me that love should stay the same no matter what and that I should never want to leave him. By attempting to protect myself, it's like I've made our marriage worse. I've damaged my husband's ego, and he now tells me that he never intends to feel attached to me like before and will always keep me at arms length. I have managed to further damage his ego in another incident, which wasn't at all intended as malicious or spiteful - he asked me to roll him a cigarette, and I gently explained that I didn't want to as it was a sin. I have learnt my lesson from before, from putting my husband before Allah, and I sincerely pray that I don't go there ever again.

The cigarette incident was over a month ago and he still brings it up, to this day, as an example of how I don't care about him anymore, despite my extensive efforts to prove him wrong. I don't know what to do. He says he understands that I was just following Islam, but he still won't let it go.

He went to a couple of anger management sessions, but has since decided he can't be bothered. He has taken cocaine only once that I'm aware of since his wake-up call in January, and although I'm sure he still drinks alcohol, he keeps it well hidden from me. The emotional abuse has eased a lot since the first year of our marriage, but it is still there. I am still sworn at for things like accidentally slamming doors (you know when windows are open and the air sucks it shut faster than you expected). He calls me a baby for asking him to make some time for me, as he works 7 days a week. I feel like I am in a robot marriage, just chugging through with no feelings. I know that we each have rights over each other, and I want to fulfil that, but I feel that the only right my husband is fulfilling is the finances. He earns good money and provides for me in that sense, but I would give back every penny in exchange for just feeling loved and wanted. I have done everything I can think of to rebuild my husband's ego and to get back our companionship, but nothing is working. I feel it is broken forever, and the most frustrating part is the fact that he blames me.

My husband has two children from a previous marriage, who both live with my husband's parents. Their mother/my husband's ex wife took off a couple of years ago and hasn't made any attempt to see her children since, which is a major factor into the reason why I haven't left my husband: I don't want to make the children and the family feel abandoned for a second time. I am part of the reason for the first wife leaving - my husband had an affair with me while he was still married to her (although at the time I had no idea she or the children existed, this was all kept secret from me).

Alhamdulillah, the past year or so has taught me many lessons in standing up for myself and knowing my priorities and my principals, but Allah knows I have had enough. My marriage is so miserable, when I hear of a fellow sister getting married, I don't feel excited for them, I feel worried for them. By Allah, I love being a wife, I love being a homemaker, I love being a step-mother and I love being a daughter-in-law. I just hate my marriage. If I wasn't muslim, I would have left my husband long ago. I daydream about running away and starting a new life abroad. But obviously, believing in Allah and the Last Day, it causes you to think a lot more deeply about your actions and their consequences. I am 27 years old. I would love to have children of my own inshaAllah, but am scared of the thought of my husband as the father of my children. Qadr Allah, I accept what is written for me, but I please ask for help in knowing what to do. How can I rebuild my own self esteem, and how can I make the best of this trial I find myself in?

I have written such an essay here, I will be surprised if anyone actually stays to read the full length of my ramblings! But if anyone can help me, or can even just relate, or just silently make du'a.. Jazakhallah Khair to you.
Asalamualaikum my brothers and sisters

I have found myself in a troubling situation and am struggling to know what to do.

I converted to Islam 16 months ago alhamdulillah, and alhamdulillah my journey so far has been incredible. I attended prayer workshops and new-muslim socials and managed to find myself within a good network of practicing muslimahs. My family have also been very accepting of my new religion alhamdulillah and a few months ago I began to wear hijab full time.

I have been blessed in so many ways that I feel scared of seeming ungrateful, but despite the many ways in which Allah has created ease for me, I find myself depressed, confused, and with very low self esteem. One month after my shahada, I got married, and it has been a very difficult marriage from the word 'go'. My reason for posting here is to seek help and guidance. I study Islam by reading and listening to lectures, and I try to implement this new knowledge into my own life, but sometimes I struggle to see if I am doing what is right. My ultimate goal is to please Allah, and I don't want to act in a way that earns his punishment. So I ask you, brothers and sisters, if you will be able to help me with this problem inshaAllah, and advise me as a muslim how best I should act in this situation.

I had known my husband for just less than a year when we got married. He is British-born Bangladeshi, 2 years older than me, and I thought the sun shone out his backside. He seemed mature for his age, he was generous, very charitable, intelligent - we would talk for hours about politics and we taught each other a lot, plus he would teach me about Islam (it was he who introduced me to this beautiful religion).

Once my husband moved in with me, everything changed. He was no longer happy-go-lucky as he had previously been, but was tense, angry, and aggressive. My confidence completely nose-dived. I couldn't get anything right - try as I might, I could never please him. For weeks I wouldn't get through a single day without being shouted at for something. But as quickly as his anger switches on, it will sometimes just switch back off again, so I am left completely confused and insecure. He will call me 'Baby' and 'f***ing b****' in the same sentence, so I don't know if I'm coming or going. Likewise, I can be under the impression that everything is dandy, only to discover that there's suddenly a volcano right next to me spewing lava and poison in my face without warning.

To give you an example of my dumb, foolish naivety, I once sent a text to my husband asking what 'tweets' he would like me to send out for his business that day; he replied saying "I can't be bothered with women." I read this whilst strolling to the shops, admiring the ducks, skipping into the sunshine, and thought, 'oh no, has he fallen out with his mother?' I text him back asking what was wrong, only to then find myself on the receiving end of an absolute avalanche of text messages, text after text after text of insult after insult after insult, wallahi they were coming through for hours, right through the evening to the point where I just switched my phone off. I looked into booking a train to my parents house but couldn't afford it, so just stayed in our flat dreading the time for him to come home. Astaghfurullah, my biggest mistake which I deeply regret and repent to Allah in pleading for His forgiveness, is that my fear of my husband began to overcome my fear of Allah. My husband used such vile language towards me, I desperately wanted to avoid ever causing him to feel angry. I believed it was my fault. I remember on one occasion, it was time to pray Asr. My husband was phoning me asking me to walk up to his work place and bring him some food. I wanted to pray but was scared of making my husband wait, so I prioritised taking his food to him. I am so ashamed of this.

As months passed, my husband's behaviour worsened. He began to drink alcohol and take cocaine, which is a habit he had battled with in the past, but had ceased. He told me he didn't want to be back on it and wanted to break the habit, so I did my best to stop him, but I didn't always succeed. Sometimes he would tell me he was going out to buy cigarettes, then wouldn't come home until 7am the next morning. On other similar occasions he would tell me he had a meeting with one of his staff members, but wouldn't come home until the next day. He would ignore all of my phone calls, leaving me wondering if he is even still alive. His bright idea to stop me worrying about where he was and what he was doing, he started taking the drugs in our house. (Alhamdulillah no children live here with us). The cocaine makes him so paranoid, he would just sit in the dark with all the lights off, while I would be upstairs crying my eyes out. During these nights I would hide his phone and his keys to prevent him from going out or ordering more drugs, which of course initiated a hurl of abuse my way. Alhamdulillah the most he has ever done to me in terms of physical abuse is just push me a few times, but he would threaten to hurt me with statements along the lines of 'I am going to knock your f***ing head off your f***ing neck'. The drugs always made his anger worse, and after one night of binging, I knew I would be in for a week of insults, put downs, shouting, swearing, etc. My husband has admitted to me that when he is angry, he just wants to make me feel angry as well, so he insults me as much as he can, digging deep and going very personal. But the thing is it doesn't make me angry, it makes me feel tiny, it makes me feel hated, depressed and weak.

I tried very hard to take note of what made him angry and desperately tried to never let these things happen again, in the hope that we would then be happy. I was so naive! I received the blame for so many things, I began to believe it was my fault. If he missed a payment on his credit card, it was my fault because I didn't remind him. If he left his clothes on the floor, I was shouted at for not picking them up. When the carpet fitters made a mistake, it was my fault. When his phone bill was too high, it was my fault. When we had new windows and doors fitted, and the door fitters came to finish the job on the final day, the backdoor keys were nowhere to be found. I was called back from a Qur'an lesson to help find them, my husband going absolutely ballistic at me (in front of the other men) for not knowing where they were. We later found them in his trouser pocket. I have on occasion caught myself apologising for something that I had absolutely no control over - for example, a traffic jam - just because it had been so ingrained in my mind that I was the cause of all this negativity.

In January this year, after 10 months of marriage, my husband's behaviour became too much for me to bear any longer, and I packed my backs with the intention of staying with my parents for a few weeks while he sorted his head out. My Grandad had passed away, so I was going to spend some time with my family anyway, it just happened that on the day I was set to get the train, my husband's anger exploded (the aftermath of another binge), I phoned my mum in tears, and she drove the 200 mile journey up to - basically - rescue me.

This was a turning point in our marriage. After a 4 hour phone call between the two of us, my husband finally realised that our marriage had in fact been an abusive relationship and that he had completely bullied me. He said he had no idea he was doing this to me and was mortified at the way he had behaved. I returned to him, and things felt positive, but not for long. We celebrated our 1 year anniversary in March, and by April we had fallen apart again. After returning from my parents' home in January, although I was willing to give my husband another chance, I was deeply hurt and emotionally in tatters. After being put through so much pain, I ended up blocking him out emotionally, like I had put a wall of defence around myself. This obviously upset my husband and he desperately tried to fix everything, but I felt like I was being rushed and pressured into letting my guard down before I was ready. I didn't want to be withdrawn like that, but at the same time couldn't just switch the trust back on on demand. My husband couldn't understand why I didn't still feel the same as I did when we first got married. He can't understand the fact that I am wounded and damaged, and he keeps telling me that love should stay the same no matter what and that I should never want to leave him. By attempting to protect myself, it's like I've made our marriage worse. I've damaged my husband's ego, and he now tells me that he never intends to feel attached to me like before and will always keep me at arms length. I have managed to further damage his ego in another incident, which wasn't at all intended as malicious or spiteful - he asked me to roll him a cigarette, and I gently explained that I didn't want to as it was a sin. I have learnt my lesson from before, from putting my husband before Allah, and I sincerely pray that I don't go there ever again.

The cigarette incident was over a month ago and he still brings it up, to this day, as an example of how I don't care about him anymore, despite my extensive efforts to prove him wrong. I don't know what to do. He says he understands that I was just following Islam, but he still won't let it go.

He went to a couple of anger management sessions, but has since decided he can't be bothered. He has taken cocaine only once that I'm aware of since his wake-up call in January, and although I'm sure he still drinks alcohol, he keeps it well hidden from me. The emotional abuse has eased a lot since the first year of our marriage, but it is still there. I am still sworn at for things like accidentally slamming doors (you know when windows are open and the air sucks it shut faster than you expected). He calls me a baby for asking him to make some time for me, as he works 7 days a week. I feel like I am in a robot marriage, just chugging through with no feelings. I know that we each have rights over each other, and I want to fulfil that, but I feel that the only right my husband is fulfilling is the finances. He earns good money and provides for me in that sense, but I would give back every penny in exchange for just feeling loved and wanted. I have done everything I can think of to rebuild my husband's ego and to get back our companionship, but nothing is working. I feel it is broken forever, and the most frustrating part is the fact that he blames me.

My husband has two children from a previous marriage, who both live with my husband's parents. Their mother/my husband's ex wife took off a couple of years ago and hasn't made any attempt to see her children since, which is a major factor into the reason why I haven't left my husband: I don't want to make the children and the family feel abandoned for a second time. I am part of the reason for the first wife leaving - my husband had an affair with me while he was still married to her (although at the time I had no idea she or the children existed, this was all kept secret from me).

Alhamdulillah, the past year or so has taught me many lessons in standing up for myself and knowing my priorities and my principals, but Allah knows I have had enough. My marriage is so miserable, when I hear of a fellow sister getting married, I don't feel excited for them, I feel worried for them. By Allah, I love being a wife, I love being a homemaker, I love being a step-mother and I love being a daughter-in-law. I just hate my marriage. If I wasn't muslim, I would have left my husband long ago. I daydream about running away and starting a new life abroad. But obviously, believing in Allah and the Last Day, it causes you to think a lot more deeply about your actions and their consequences. I am 27 years old. I would love to have children of my own inshaAllah, but am scared of the thought of my husband as the father of my children. Qadr Allah, I accept what is written for me, but I please ask for help in knowing what to do. How can I rebuild my own self esteem, and how can I make the best of this trial I find myself in?

I have written such an essay here, I will be surprised if anyone actually stays to read the full length of my ramblings! But if anyone can help me, or can even just relate, or just silently make du'a.. Jazakhallah Khair to you.
 
Wasalaam yes it's long I'm sorry this will be short please leave run hide the man is crazy I don't wish this on anyone please Muslim men should not behave like this GO if you want a life I'm sure his family would understand I'm sure they know of this as well my sister Allah is just if he puts food before Asar namaaz and you fear him and he can't understand then by Allah leave
 
I think, Once contact your father-in-law and mother-in-law. You can explain everything which you faced with his son. At the time of meeting your husband's parents, you should not go lonely, take your parents help and move a step forward in solving the problem.

Indian Muslim Matrimony?
 

Abu Juwairiya

Junior Member
Sister you must your Religion first. From what you have described, you should see and meet other Muslims and decide on how to leave him, not if. The longer you remain the marriage, the longer you will hold on to the following-

1. There is a chance the marriage can be saved
2. You will sometimes agree it is your fault for at least a few of the things he accuses you of
3. He can and wishes to change
4. The children are your responsibility (that is only partially true in these circumstances)
5. He will willingly give up some of his bad habits
6. The marriage can be like it once was

Sister, since I am not of your gender, I will not pretend to know and understand what you are going through as a woman, but let me say this- On the Day of Judgement Allah (who knows better and more than all of us combined) may question you about why you didn't leave and help yourself and your hereafter and inshallah your future offspring, will you be able to have suitable answers for Him?

You can make a list, not of reasons to stay with your husband, but on what you can achieve as a good Muslimah without him and what your ultimate goals and aspirations are for your akhirah and how best to rebuild your life, career and relationship with Allah after you leave him.

You will find much joy, contentment, satisfaction and happiness once you start writing the list. Ask other sisters to join you to think about what they know of you, your personality, your character, your strengths as a professional, as a person and as a Muslimah in what things you can do for Islam, for Muslims and ultimately to secure your akhirah as a kind of 'Islamic social activist' and by doing so you will find your niche in life.

There will still be some 'loose holes' on the way while preparing the list, so on a separate piece of paper (with other sisters close to you, not by yourself, it makes it easier with the assistance and moral support of others) write down all the things that are making you stay with him. Once you have done that, give it to the sisters before reading it and listen to what they have to say. After that you can discuss what positive solutions you can have to make those reasons for staying something that could actually be harmful to both you and everyone else involved. By this I mean to your religion and to your Iman.

Once you take the psychological step to remove yourself as a 'responsible partner' in the marriage in place of your 'responsible duties' to Allah you will also find that your Creator will start creating 'possibilities, and 'opportunities' for you and life will become both easier and more flexible and relaxing.
 

ShahnazZ

Striving2BeAStranger
Salam alaikum wa rahmatullah,

It's been eons since I've posted on this forum but I still check it from time to time, especially since it's Ramadan. I'm glad I did because I came across your post.

First of all, I want to commend you for your resilience as a new Muslim. You've truly put everything you have into being a good Muslim inspite of the odds stacked against you and I commend you for it. May Allah reward you immensely and give you the best of both this world and the next.

Secondly, your situation is indeed very serious. I cannot stress the importance of getting professional counseling and leaving this man. The fact of the matter is, unfortunately, many Muslims think in terms of culture (not religion) and think that staying with an abusive husband is akin to striving for patience, pleasing your husband and thus, pleasing Allah. I implore you not to listen to such individuals.

But Rashiqa, please understand that Allah created you first and foremost to serve HIM. Know HIM. Please HIM. Fear HIM. His creation is a means to get to HIM. That's why we're supposed to do everything for His Sake and in His way. Because it's essentially a tool we can use to enhance our relationship with HIM. These tools can include our husband, our money, our careers, etc.

So clearly, if your husband (essentially your tool to get to Allah) is NOT serving as the means to Allah but is instead, as you yourself stated, causing you to fear him more than you fear Allah and is causing you to serve him before you serve Allah, then he is not going to help you get to Allah but will hinder you. People can tell you that you're just as equally responsible for any discord in the marriage and in many cases that's true. But when it comes down to being ABUSED, there is NOTHING on God's green earth that warrants that. Patriarchal society tends to make excuses for abusers, saying that the victim did something to bring it on herself. They forget that an abuser's actions and words are within their control and that they will be questioned for them when they stand in front of Allah without dragging anyone else into their mess and saying they caused it. Allah says in the Quran that "no soul shall bear the burden of another." So that's proof to you that YOU are NOT responsible for him.

You need to look out for yourself. Allah wants you to be happy sister. He doesn't want you to be stuck in s miserable situation with an abuser. It is not your job to change him or be there for his children. That's his primary job and his children will understand why you did what you did when they're adults and can see their father for what he is. But to put up with drugs, alcohol, threats and verbal abuse in exchange for your self-worth, self-esteem and confidence, is by no means a fair exchange. If he really wants to truly change, he will do it for himself and His Creator. That's the only way real change lasts.

Finally, your husband sounds like he has bipolar disorder, symptoms of which include extreme mood fluctuations and trouble maintaining healthy relationships. Even so, it's his cross to bear and his job to take care of his problem and get treatment. He's selfish for putting it on you and expecting you to bear the brunt of it. Please take care of yourself and put yourself first. Co-dependent relationships never end well and usually lead to the very issues of self-worth that you mentioned. You need to think about whether or not that's something you can live with and if you make the choice not to, know that divorce is a perfectly halal option and that there's a reason Allah allowed its permissibility in Islam (unlike some other faiths). Point being, Allah is Merciful and Loving and just wants what's best for you. It's time for you to want the same.

Inshallah, hopefully this helped you in some way and I pray that Allah makes your situation easy for you. He is Al-Fattah and He WILL make a way out for you. Inshallah.
 
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