Please help this new muslim in a miserable marriage

Discussion in 'Women, Family, and Marriage' started by Rashiqa, Jun 17, 2015.

  1. Rashiqa
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    Rashiqa Member

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    Asalamualaikum
    Last edited: Jun 19, 2015
  2. nawaazomar
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  3. nawaazomar
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  4. nawaazomar
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    Wasalaam yes it's long I'm sorry this will be short please leave run hide the man is crazy I don't wish this on anyone please Muslim men should not behave like this GO if you want a life I'm sure his family would understand I'm sure they know of this as well my sister Allah is just if he puts food before Asar namaaz and you fear him and he can't understand then by Allah leave
  5. eliethankyle
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    I think, Once contact your father-in-law and mother-in-law. You can explain everything which you faced with his son. At the time of meeting your husband's parents, you should not go lonely, take your parents help and move a step forward in solving the problem.

    Indian Muslim Matrimony?
  6. Abu Juwairiya
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    Abu Juwairiya Junior Member

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    Sister you must your Religion first. From what you have described, you should see and meet other Muslims and decide on how to leave him, not if. The longer you remain the marriage, the longer you will hold on to the following-

    1. There is a chance the marriage can be saved
    2. You will sometimes agree it is your fault for at least a few of the things he accuses you of
    3. He can and wishes to change
    4. The children are your responsibility (that is only partially true in these circumstances)
    5. He will willingly give up some of his bad habits
    6. The marriage can be like it once was

    Sister, since I am not of your gender, I will not pretend to know and understand what you are going through as a woman, but let me say this- On the Day of Judgement Allah (who knows better and more than all of us combined) may question you about why you didn't leave and help yourself and your hereafter and inshallah your future offspring, will you be able to have suitable answers for Him?

    You can make a list, not of reasons to stay with your husband, but on what you can achieve as a good Muslimah without him and what your ultimate goals and aspirations are for your akhirah and how best to rebuild your life, career and relationship with Allah after you leave him.

    You will find much joy, contentment, satisfaction and happiness once you start writing the list. Ask other sisters to join you to think about what they know of you, your personality, your character, your strengths as a professional, as a person and as a Muslimah in what things you can do for Islam, for Muslims and ultimately to secure your akhirah as a kind of 'Islamic social activist' and by doing so you will find your niche in life.

    There will still be some 'loose holes' on the way while preparing the list, so on a separate piece of paper (with other sisters close to you, not by yourself, it makes it easier with the assistance and moral support of others) write down all the things that are making you stay with him. Once you have done that, give it to the sisters before reading it and listen to what they have to say. After that you can discuss what positive solutions you can have to make those reasons for staying something that could actually be harmful to both you and everyone else involved. By this I mean to your religion and to your Iman.

    Once you take the psychological step to remove yourself as a 'responsible partner' in the marriage in place of your 'responsible duties' to Allah you will also find that your Creator will start creating 'possibilities, and 'opportunities' for you and life will become both easier and more flexible and relaxing.
  7. ShahnazZ
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    ShahnazZ Striving2BeAStranger

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    Salam alaikum wa rahmatullah,

    It's been eons since I've posted on this forum but I still check it from time to time, especially since it's Ramadan. I'm glad I did because I came across your post.

    First of all, I want to commend you for your resilience as a new Muslim. You've truly put everything you have into being a good Muslim inspite of the odds stacked against you and I commend you for it. May Allah reward you immensely and give you the best of both this world and the next.

    Secondly, your situation is indeed very serious. I cannot stress the importance of getting professional counseling and leaving this man. The fact of the matter is, unfortunately, many Muslims think in terms of culture (not religion) and think that staying with an abusive husband is akin to striving for patience, pleasing your husband and thus, pleasing Allah. I implore you not to listen to such individuals.

    But Rashiqa, please understand that Allah created you first and foremost to serve HIM. Know HIM. Please HIM. Fear HIM. His creation is a means to get to HIM. That's why we're supposed to do everything for His Sake and in His way. Because it's essentially a tool we can use to enhance our relationship with HIM. These tools can include our husband, our money, our careers, etc.

    So clearly, if your husband (essentially your tool to get to Allah) is NOT serving as the means to Allah but is instead, as you yourself stated, causing you to fear him more than you fear Allah and is causing you to serve him before you serve Allah, then he is not going to help you get to Allah but will hinder you. People can tell you that you're just as equally responsible for any discord in the marriage and in many cases that's true. But when it comes down to being ABUSED, there is NOTHING on God's green earth that warrants that. Patriarchal society tends to make excuses for abusers, saying that the victim did something to bring it on herself. They forget that an abuser's actions and words are within their control and that they will be questioned for them when they stand in front of Allah without dragging anyone else into their mess and saying they caused it. Allah says in the Quran that "no soul shall bear the burden of another." So that's proof to you that YOU are NOT responsible for him.

    You need to look out for yourself. Allah wants you to be happy sister. He doesn't want you to be stuck in s miserable situation with an abuser. It is not your job to change him or be there for his children. That's his primary job and his children will understand why you did what you did when they're adults and can see their father for what he is. But to put up with drugs, alcohol, threats and verbal abuse in exchange for your self-worth, self-esteem and confidence, is by no means a fair exchange. If he really wants to truly change, he will do it for himself and His Creator. That's the only way real change lasts.

    Finally, your husband sounds like he has bipolar disorder, symptoms of which include extreme mood fluctuations and trouble maintaining healthy relationships. Even so, it's his cross to bear and his job to take care of his problem and get treatment. He's selfish for putting it on you and expecting you to bear the brunt of it. Please take care of yourself and put yourself first. Co-dependent relationships never end well and usually lead to the very issues of self-worth that you mentioned. You need to think about whether or not that's something you can live with and if you make the choice not to, know that divorce is a perfectly halal option and that there's a reason Allah allowed its permissibility in Islam (unlike some other faiths). Point being, Allah is Merciful and Loving and just wants what's best for you. It's time for you to want the same.

    Inshallah, hopefully this helped you in some way and I pray that Allah makes your situation easy for you. He is Al-Fattah and He WILL make a way out for you. Inshallah.
    Last edited: Jul 7, 2015

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