Questions to Ask a Prospective Marriage Partner

proud2bemuslim

ALLAH HU AKBAR
Assalamu Alaykum,

Questions to Ask a Prospective Marriage Partner
Don't just rush into marriage. Sort out these key issues in advance.
Compiled by Chloe Chaudhry. Derived from Bent Rib: A Journey through Women’s issues in Islam by Huda al-Khattab.


The following questions are offered in the interest of helping Muslims to think through issues important to marriage. You may wish to ask these questions when you’re considering someone for marriage, either of them or just of yourself. You may also wish to ask them of an intermediary, who may be able to provide you an unbiased perspective. Some of the questions may seem "unIslamic", but they deal with the reality of today's social situation, and NOT asking a question may ultimately prove to be a bigger mistake than asking it.

GENERAL QUESTIONS:
Why are you interested in marrying at this time?
How would you describe yourself?
What do you consider your greatest achievement to date?
Describe three experiences you’ve had that you’ve benefited/learned from.
What has been the hardest obstacle you’ve faced thus far in life? How has it affected you?
If there was one thing you would like to change about yourself, what would it be?
What are your goals for this life? What would you like to accomplish before you die?
What are you looking for in a spouse?

DECIDING WHETHER TO MARRY:
What role do you think parents should play in helping to select your spouse?
What process do you want to use to determine whether you have found the right spouse? Phone? E-mail? Chaperoned or unchaperoned in person? How much time do you want to decide?

DEEN (ISLAMIC LIFESTYLE):
What do you do to feel close to Allah (swt)?
How to you hope to get closer to Allah (swt) through marriage?
What do you want to improve about yourself Islamically?
How many times per day do you pray? What about while at work?
How much Qur’an have you memorized?
To what extent are you involved in the Islamic community?
Do you fast during Ramadan?
How do you determine how to distribute Zakat? How do you give in Sadaqa?
Have you been on Hajj or Umrah? When would you like to go?
Are you affiliated with a particular masjid or Islamic group?
How important do you think it is to only eat Halal meat?
How important do you think it is for women to wear hijab? What about men?
How do you like to celebrate religious holidays?
Do you go for jummah prayers?

LIVING AS A MUSLIM MINORITY:
Do you have non-Muslim friends?
What do you think Muslims should do on Western holidays?

EXTENDED FAMILY:
What do you think parents/extended family’s role should be in making important decisions: wedding planning, child rearing, vacations, where you will live?
What do you do if there is a conflict between your spouse and your family?
Are you comfortable living with extended family, particularly as they age? Are other accommodations possible?
How much time do you anticipate spending with your extended family, in person or by phone?
Would you describe the character of your family members?
What have you learned from observing your family that you do or do not want to incorporate into your marriage?

PROFESSION:
What career path do you plan on taking?
Will both husband and wife work outside the home?
Under what conditions would you be willing to move to further your or your spouse’s professional growth?
How much time do you spend at work?
How do you plan to balance time at work and time with the family?
What kind of business functions will you ask each other to host/attend?
Would you encourage/support the idea of me going back to school for advanced degrees?
How would we support ourselves if we both had to be in school?

INTERESTS/ACTIVITIES:
How do you like to spend your free time?
How much time do you spend watching TV?
What interests would you like to share with your spouse?
How much time alone would you like to have?
How do you feel about separate vacations? Business trips? Conferences?

SOCIAL LIFE:
How much time do you want to spend with friends? By yourself? As a couple?
How would you feel about your spouse having friends of the opposite gender?

WHERE TO LIVE:
Where do you want to live? Why?
Will you want to live near your extended family?
Do you prefer city? Suburb? Countryside?
Do you want to live in the U.S. or abroad?
How important is it to live in a large Muslim community?

CHILDREN:
How many children do you want to have?
When do you think you’ll be ready to have children?
How will you distribute responsibility for child rearing? Diapering?
What do you think it is important to teach children?
What is your view on raising children? Do you spank?
To what extent would you be willing to utilize family members, friends, baby sitters or day are to watch your children?
How will you ensure your children have a good Islamic education?
What would you do if you could not have children?
Do you want your children to grow up bilingual? In what languages?

MONEY:
How many personal savings/checking accounts would you want?
Who should be responsible for paying bills?
What about prior assets?
How will you determine how much should be spent on the household? On personal items? On charity?
How much should either person be able to spend by themselves without consulting the other?
How much should be paid out in maher (dowry)? Up front versus deferred?
If we were on an uncomfortably tight budget, and your brother asked you for a generous loan for a third attempt at a start-up when the first two had failed, would you give it to him?
What would be your top five criteria for developing a financial plan?

LAST NAMES:
Should the wife change her last name?
What last name should the children carry?

HOUSE:
How do you feel about cleanliness, neatness and housework?
How do you feel about knickknacks and artwork?
Who is responsible for work around the house?
What are the household chores you are used to doing?
Have you ever lived alone? Have you ever had a roommate? Have you always lived with your parents?
How do you feel about pets?
What are your preferences in terms of food? Mostly from your own ethnic group, or a more diverse palate? Only home-made, or also convenience or from restaurants? Meat or vegetarian?
If we were both working and we both got home about the same time, would you expect the wife to always be the cook?
How do you feel about smoking?

DIFFERENCES:
What are your pet peeves?
How should disagreements be resolved?
How do you act when you get upset?
How would you go about making you spouse happy when s/he was feeling down?
What would you want your spouse to do if you disagreed about something?
What if the disagreement is over an interpretation of Islam?
Who would be your choice of arbiters, or how do you feel about arbitration?
How do you feel about marriage counselling?

MONOGAMY/FIDELITY/HONESTY:
What are your views?
What is your experience with families with a second wife?
Will infidelity automatically end the marriage?

CULTURE:
What role does culture play in your life?

This article appears courtesy of the Muslim matrimonial site, Zawaj.com
 

virtualeye

Tamed Brother
Asslamo Allaikum,

What can I say; pretty comprehensive.

Some people might feel intimidated by it; may be?

WaAlaikumussalaam,


If a person proposes and if you want him to run away then you can use this questionair to torture him. :D

Anyway that was a joke, we can ask some of the selected questions from this questionair.
JazakAllah.
 

UmmOf3

Junior Member
Salaam aleikum

I asked my husband bits and pieces of this, over time, during our conversations before we got married. I read that article, added some other issues that were important to me, and also asked some general questions...

We read the article together actually hehe, I remember that now.
 

Globalpeace

Banned
ISNA & MSA!

Asslamo Allaikum,

This is mostly based on the councelling questionnaires put out at ISNA sessions in the USA who have in turn borrowed it from the MSA...

I have NEVER been a ISNA/MSA/Hamza Yusuf fan but due to family associations know about them a bit and was forced to attend some of the stuff when I wasn't practising.

My objection to this years ago as voiced in the sessions (at 16-17) & now is the same...Most people will find it intimidating; this is designed for College/University graduates or students (1st or 2nd generation immigrants, particularly from the Asian background) from a upper social/financial class background which most ISNA/MSA attendees are...

You can go to any ISNA/MSA session in America from one corner to another & see who attends it for yourself and then contextualise this questionnaire; you can see planly who and what it is for!

Good effort no doubt and may Allah (SWT) all Brothers/Sisters who designed it but off the mark for many...
 

umm hussain

Junior Member
i guess you will have to leave out the ones that are not appropriate for e.g, How would you feel about your spouse having friends of the opposite gender? I think that would make anyone 'run.' and 'What last name should the children carry?' it should really be straight forward unless of course you are planning to marry a 'Feminist.' lol.... and 'Will infidelity automatically end the marriage?' some of these questions are.......questionable.

Overall some brilliant questions to ask a prospective partner and not forgetting the all important isthikar
 

Globalpeace

Banned
ISNA/ICNA/FCNA/MSA (USA) & UKIM/FOSIS (UK)

Asslamo Allaikum,

All of the organisations listed above do great Islamic & social work but my objection is that it is mainly geared towards rich college/university educated born-Muslims or reverts (if they are from that background).

I am sure you know in the 1960's in the USA most of the Asian immigrants were professionals who started building Islamic centers and Mosques; hence these organisations still reflect those trends (educational and professional approach)...very (I would say too...) secular in their Islam & so on

In UK on the other hand most immigrants are Kashmirees who came from extremely poor & uneducated backgrounds; hence most people often diss Pakistanees due to the actions of the Kashmirees...Most Mosques in UK reflect the trends of the people who set them up (closed committees, no women allowed, Urdu speeches etc.)

Most Paksitanees & Indians in the UK who came from professional backgrounds detached themselves from the Kashmerees; went the same way as USA & formed UKIM (educational and professional approach) and again hit the same problems as listed previously.

To understand the phenomenon deeply you have to study what was happening in universities in India/Pakistan in the 1960's & 1970's...

All of these organisations were subsequently bolstered by Egyptian and Arab students who came out of Ikhwan (again university eductaion is the key)

The plus point in America was the large number of African-American reverts but the social scene in America for REVERTS is actually getting worse post 9/11 and in UK the revert scene doesn't really exist.

There are factors for this phenomenon as well but too detailed to be put on a forum.

These trends are identified and talked about by many reverts such as Umar Lee & Tariq Nelson and they make some very pertinent points about black and white reverts...I suggest you read about it for posterity.
 

Shaheed_m

New Member
Questioneers, just don't work in any formal setting, it should be done tactfull, during casual conversation, in a joke or even spur of the moment question but never ever do it formally. You will not get proper answers. When we sit and think we always show the better side.
My marriage and eventual divorce was proof enough.
 
Top