Ok, here's the deal. I've posted about this before, and after reviewing everyone's comments, I went back to the drawing board and explored my options again. My mother told me there is no one she knows who can help me get married, including imams (she asked), friends, relatives, etc. I actually told my mother to ask more learned people in the community and she said no, there is no point. Today, I wrote down the essence of what is happening to me. Here it is: I find myself questioning Allah SWT. I have prayed a great deal for marriage but it never happened. My parents did not help, either. I live in a non-muslim country; in fact, I was born here. I wonder, if there is no leeway for a muslim girl to marry a non-muslim man, why did my parents immigrate to this country and have children, only to tell me that getting married is not possible? I don't think that is fair. I read a lot of dua, but lately when I am speaking to God during my dua, I feel like in my heart it will not come true. After all, I am 40 and I've been reading the dua for over 15 years. In my dua, I ask Allah to please make 2011 more joyous than 2010 (I was briefly happy in 2010 because of someone I met, and had some hope then but it fell sharply). It is now July 2011, and I am still so sad. When I make this dua, I feel like I am "testing" God, because I know that He has not answered that prayer for me. When I ask my elders about getting married, they say to do dua because there is no other way. Am I being sinful for questioning my dua? Its been so many years that I have been praying, and I also do Istikhara and Salaat ul Hajaat. To me, it appears that God has given me His answer for now. Is it sinful to think that way? I have also been experiencing "resentment" towards Islam lately. The other day I told a non-muslim friend, an older lady who is like a mother to me, that if I had married the nonmuslim man then I would have gone to hell. She was shocked to hear that and told me that only very bad, immoral people go to hell, like murderers. I then had to question myself - if I want to get married, but the muslim community does not help me nor do my parents, will God nevertheless send me to Hell because I had no other options? Will God punish the muslim community for failing to create marriage opportunities for muslim women like myself? (Don't worry, I have no intention of seeking out a non-muslim man for marriage!) I just feel so guilty for harboring these thoughts. To be honest, I feel a bit like I want to "take a break" from all this dua and begging God, as it has left me emotionally and spiritually exhausted. Is that sinful? Why must I constantly think of my actions in terms of sin or reward? Will God have mercy on me because I am undergoing a test in life, that is, because I have prayed for a family of my own but those prayers have not come true and i now have to face a life alone? I must be honest that I am angry about that...angry because I did everythign right, I was obedient to my parents, relied on them for everything, and they did not take this aspect of my life seriously. Will God punish me for being angry? The other day I had to have some minor surgery. It was very private. I had to travel to another city. My parents did not know. I took the train the night before, stayed in a hotel, then went to the hospital at 7 am the next morning. I had the procedure and it was not fun! I had to wear a gown, get an iv in my vein, get injected with a bunch of pain medications, wear a pad afterwards to catch the bleeding. Then, at the end of the day, I was released and took a train back to my home city. i left my car at the train station, so when I got to my city I drove home, stopping on the way to the pharmacy to pick up my medication. I was crying yesterday in the hospital bed, with the curtain around me, my pillow was so wet because I was all alone, with no one to hold my hand or tell me it would be ok. there was a young arab girl next to my bed, and her husband was with her the whole time, comforting her, putting her clothes away in her locker, etc. Is this what God has destined for me? Why couldn't my parents have helped me more? When you read dua for a good outcome over and over, for years on end, and repent when you slip up and ask for forgiveness, why do things GET WORSE? I know there are others who are worse off than me, but its all relative. And if you ask my parents about it, they always just shrug their shoulders and say "oh well." When I was in my 20s and 30s, no one in my family ever talked about my marriage. No one ever said to me, "Insha'Allah someone will come along soon so you can have a family of your own." Not my father, not my brothers, no one. My mother only mentioned it when I raised the issue. All my life, it has been my non-muslim friends and colleagues who have said to me, "Oh, I hope you meet someone soon" or "it would be so nice if you could get married, I would hate to see yo spend your life alone." Somehow, the muslims who have surrounded me, missed the boat on this one. Its like, my obedience backfired on me! My mom actually thinks that since so much time has passed, I should just find anybody, muslim or nonmuslim. How can she even say that? She herself is so religious!