Should I tell him........????

[guidemetojannah]

Asalaamu Alykum

I have been married for three months and Alhumdolillah I am very happy that Allah swt has blessed with such a beautiful companion (inside and out).

Prior to getting married and gaining a better understanding of this beautiful deen, whilst living in jahiliya i did alot of things that i am not proud of and this includes having boyfriends. Recently i dont know how but i have given my husband the impression that i am hiding something from him........he feels as though that i want to tell him something but am holding back. So everytime this conversation comes up i change the subject.

I dont know what to do should i be completely truthful with him about my past life...........you must understand that i've been muslim all my life and anything that i've done haraam i did behind my familys back.......so they dont know anything. One of the guys that i was with is a part of my extended family (so my hubby knows him) and we considered marriage but Ahumdolillah it never happened. This guy keeps telling my cousin that he still loves me and that i am the love of his life despite being married with children.

Basically am scared that if i dont tell my husband that one day someone will.............i have no feelings for my ex...........i wish he would just get on with his life and forget me and remember that i am someone elses wife.
This someone who i dearly love and want to inshallah spend the rest of my life with.

Does my hubby really need to know about my past incomparison to him (my hubby) i will seem like a ultra slapper ...........which i never was! shouldnt the past stay in the past.

i would also like a brother's perspective.........what would you say or think if your wife told you this.

sisters please advise me.........what should i do...............
Jazakallah Khair

 

[Sonia88]

Basically am scared that if i dont tell my husband that one day someone will.............

Salaam, sis dont you think you shud get ther b4 sum1 else does.... dont go in extra detail about things and making angry/upset...but tell basically about your past..its a big part of your life not to share with your future..

i think you shud tell him, and since hes your husband you'll know the best way of what to say, and wen to say...if someone tells him it'll be alot worse, coz he alredy asked you now, so it'l be like you werent going to tell him.

i understand your fear, but inshallah he'l understand..tell wat he shud know, esp if this guy is still mentioning you to people and that he loves you n stuff.. you need to tell your husband before it gets out..trust me sis you must know a secret never stays secret 4long, esp in the case of stuff like that.

wish you the best, i think you know what you need 2do evntho your scared.
take care x
wasalaam

 

[Saifu deen]

:salam2:

I know it will hurt him if he hears this from someone else, but at the same time I believe its better if you dont tell him about. On the hand, that depends on your husbands character, attitude, behaviour and so on. Someone would get jealous to the extreme, and may change their ways of thinking towards you, and others are very understanding..

I believe its better if a reliable adult speak (or you may speak to his sisters if any, if you are very close with them)to your cousin and explain to him, that you are married and islamically he should not reach this level, and shouldnt tell others about how much he loves you since you guys are brothers and sisters in islam first, and strangers. In fact, when someone loves someone they must wish them good in their lives even if that hurt them. Nonetheless, I think if you shouldnt tell him, not only you put yourself in a negative position, but you would also make your family look at you differently. You may loose both sides. Therefore, dont say anything as we suppose to hide those sins from anyone in the first place.

But you may say that ''he is my cousin who wanted to marry me previously''... But if you decided to say this, he will ask you, how long have you known each other, why you guys didnt get married, and so on. He would ask further questions if you deicded to say anything.

Right now, no one knows anything at all. Show your husband that he is the only for you, and if you decided to say anything dont go into details as sister Sonia suggested. I dont believe your cousin will ever say anything since he is your cousin, and he is obliged to cover you. But at the end of day, the whole thing depends on how your husband is. Please dont take my words for it, but I ask Allah (swt) to help you on this matter, and protect you.. Amiin

Wassalamu Alykom..

 

[zakiyah]

Salaam, sis dont you think you shud get ther b4 sum1 else does.... dont go in extra detail about things and making angry/upset...but tell basically about your past..its a big part of your life not to share with your future..

i think you shud tell him, and since hes your husband you'll know the best way of what to say, and wen to say...if someone tells him it'll be alot worse, coz he alredy asked you now, so it'l be like you werent going to tell him.

i understand your fear, but inshallah he'l understand..tell wat he shud know, esp if this guy is still mentioning you to people and that he loves you n stuff.. you need to tell your husband before it gets out..trust me sis you must know a secret never stays secret 4long, esp in the case of stuff like that.

wish you the best, i think you know what you need 2do evntho your scared.
take care x
wasalaam

asalamualikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu!
exactly....i agree with u sis.thats what i was gonna say aswell...

SISTER! u shud tell ur husband about ur past n make sure u dont talk about it again in future coz all it will cause is fights n misunderstandings.tell him as soon as possible n get rid of the fear thats inside u.
MAY ALLAH(SWT) HELP U AMEEN:tti_sister:

 

[AishaHadi]

:salam2:

I agree with brother SaifuDeen, you shouldnt tell your husband about your past and the haraam things you have done...And if you decide to tell him or he brings it up again dont go into details. Tell him it was one of the tricks of the shaytaan, but you regret it, and Allah has guided you.

If you have sincerely repented he can not blame you nor punish you for it.

May Allah protect your marriage and keep the shaytaan out of it.Ameen

 

[Amirah84]

:salam2:

I don't think the best thing to do is to tell your husband about your past. What good will come out of it? How will this bring your husband closer to you? He might get paranoid about it, it;ll make him think about things, and he may question you non-stop about things. Who knew, who was it, why, where etc.

As I understand it you have sincerely repented for your sins and you have moved on and Allah subhana wa ta'ala has blessed you with a wonderful husband. You've sought forgiveness from Allah subhana wa ta'ala and I think you should continue to remind yourself of how Allah blessed you despite your faults. Our Lord is truly Merciful.

You have worked to be a better muslimah and you should strive in your religion and in seeking nearness to your Lord. If Allah subhana wa ta'ala can forgive your transgression against His orders and laws, why can't a man? If Allah can forgive you your sins who is a man to keep them against you? But we humans are weak. And as for your husband I fear that it may lead to bad things. By telling your husband you're opening up pandoras box.

You may feel guilty as to what happened in the past. This is a good sign sister as it's a sign of regret. Keep praying and make constant dua and seek forgiveness. But never depsair of Allah's Mercy. Listen to what Allah says to you my dear sister;

39:53
قُلْ يَا عِبَادِيَ الَّذِينَ أَسْرَفُوا عَلَى أَنفُسِهِمْ لَا تَقْنَطُوا مِن رَّحْمَةِ اللَّهِ إِنَّ اللَّهَ يَغْفِرُ الذُّنُوبَ جَمِيعًا إِنَّهُ هُوَ الْغَفُورُ الرَّحِيمُ

Say: "O my slaves who have transgressed against themselves (by committing evil deeds and sins)! Despair not of the Mercy of Allah, verily Allah forgives all sins. Truly, He is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.

It may be that due to this feeling of guilt you feel that you need to tell your husband. You may feel that you're hiding something from him. But sister in Islam we don't reveal our past sins. It's between you and your Lord sister.

Move on from this. Don't bother about that other person in your family, don't speak to him. Keep away from him and stay loyal to your husband. If your husband asks you questions then just be brief as the other sister said and say that that is in the past. Be happy with your husband and don't ponder off into thought of what if's...

Wish you the best sister,
Salama Aleikum
Amirah

 

[Happy 2BA Muslim]

:salam2:

I don't think the best thing to do is to tell your husband about your past. What good will come out of it? How will this bring your husband closer to you? He might get paranoid about it, it;ll make him think about things, and he may question you non-stop about things. Who knew, who was it, why, where etc.

As I understand it you have sincerely repented for your sins and you have moved on and Allah subhana wa ta'ala has blessed you with a wonderful husband. You've sought forgiveness from Allah subhana wa ta'ala and I think you should continue to remind yourself of how Allah blessed you despite your faults. Our Lord is truly Merciful.

You have worked to be a better muslimah and you should strive in your religion and in seeking nearness to your Lord. If Allah subhana wa ta'ala can forgive your transgression against His orders and laws, why can't a man? If Allah can forgive you your sins who is a man to keep them against you? But we humans are weak. And as for your husband I fear that it may lead to bad things. By telling your husband you're opening up pandoras box.

You may feel guilty as to what happened in the past. This is a good sign sister as it's a sign of regret. Keep praying and make constant dua and seek forgiveness. But never depsair of Allah's Mercy. Listen to what Allah says to you my dear sister;

39:53
قُلْ يَا عِبَادِيَ الَّذِينَ أَسْرَفُوا عَلَى أَنفُسِهِمْ لَا تَقْنَطُوا مِن رَّحْمَةِ اللَّهِ إِنَّ اللَّهَ يَغْفِرُ الذُّنُوبَ جَمِيعًا إِنَّهُ هُوَ الْغَفُورُ الرَّحِيمُ

Say: "O my slaves who have transgressed against themselves (by committing evil deeds and sins)! Despair not of the Mercy of Allah, verily Allah forgives all sins. Truly, He is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.

It may be that due to this feeling of guilt you feel that you need to tell your husband. You may feel that you're hiding something from him. But sister in Islam we don't reveal our past sins. It's between you and your Lord sister.

Move on from this. Don't bother about that other person in your family, don't speak to him. Keep away from him and stay loyal to your husband. If your husband asks you questions then just be brief as the other sister said and say that that is in the past. Be happy with your husband and don't ponder off into thought of what if's...

Wish you the best sister,
Salama Aleikum
Amirah

:salam2:Sister,

I totally agree with Sister Amirah84.

A husband should not have any doubts about his wife at all, and he has no right to ask her about her past. In most cases there is no one who does not have a past which he wishes he could erase from his record and from his memory and the memories of those who know him. If the shaytaan comes to him and makes him force his wife to tell him about her past, this is something offensive, repugnant and haraam. How can it be otherwise, when Allaah has enjoined us to conceal faults? A man should conceal his own shortcomings and conceal those of others too.

If he does hear anything and confronts you, lie to him. Some people think that frankness is a positive sign of a good relationship between the spouses, but this is wrong and real life proves that it is wrong. This frankness may be a cause of the relationship between the spouses being spoiled.

How can the frankness that leads to that be a good thing? The Messenger (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) granted a concession allowing a man to lie to his wife and a woman to lie to her husband if that will lead to an increase in love between them.

There are some cases in which there is nothing wrong with one spouse concealing things from the other, and it may be wise to do so, because disclosing them may lead to negative consequences, and there is no purpose to be served by disclosing them.

Both spouses have secrets from before marriage, and private matters which must be kept private and hidden, known to no one except Allaah, and they must repent from them if they are sinful.

A number of the Sahaabah had committed adultery and murder repeatedly, or had buried infant girls alive, or stolen things, but when they entered Islam they were the best of people. No one needs to be reminded of a shameful past; it is over and done with, and Allaah is the All-Forgiving, Most Merciful. What matters when considering a person for marriage is how that person is now: is he/she righteous or not? Has he/she cut all ties with his/her past and his/her wrong deeds, or not? If he/she is clearly living a good and righteous life now, then it is wrong to dig up the past.

:salam2:

 

[vampiresecstacy]

:salam2:

I was not going to reply to this post,but dearest Happy 2BA Muslim,please check your facts(no offence,please forgive me) but one can only lie when his or her's lie can save someone's life.

Allah's(S.W.T) says clearly in Quran "Laanat ullahi allal KAAZIBEEN" (Allah S.W.T curses those who lie)

As far as the issue is concerned,Sister to give u a brother's perspective REMEMBER one thing .Guys get information from anywhere(because the social circle is bigger generally).If you think you won't tell and he won't know,then you are fooling yourself.

Secondly,remember shaytaan is always working hard to put doubts between muslim spouses,and if you tell first and gain your husbands confidence the probability of doubt on your character will be decreased to none.

Last but not the least,you were Muslim still you did a mistake and now you are worried about what people of the world think about all this is a bigger mistake.Start getting worried about what Allah is thinking about all this.Gaining Allah's mercy is much important.No one on this forum can change your husbands feelings no matter how expert our advice would be ..for Allah its a piece of cake (Remember Prophet Ibrahim was thrown in fire by the king of that time and the fire turned cold flower)

so the bottom line is if Allah is with you,,...impossible is nuthing.
:tti_sister:

 

[TheKnowledgeSeeker]

Well sister i think you should have done that early if you want to .. but i also think its none of his business because you did not know him and look at you your past has help you become the good person you are today. Our past are what makes us who we are. So with that my adivice would be tell him if he ask again and also by point you who are today because may help. And i real thing he should and does have the right to be hurt or mad because like i said you didn't know him.

 

[Happy 2BA Muslim]

:salam2:

I was not going to reply to this post,but dearest Happy 2BA Muslim,please check your facts(no offence,please forgive me) but one can only lie when his or her's lie can save someone's life.

Brother,

No offense taken. :shake: OK, maybe it might not be a good idea to lie to him, but, then again, it might be better for their relationship. Only our Sister can judge what is the best thing to do.

Regarding checking my facts, I did. If our Sister did choose to lie under these circumstances, it is Islamically permitted.

The basic principle concerning telling lies is that it is one of the signs of the hypocrites, because the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said:

“The signs of the hypocrite are three: when he speaks, he lies, when he makes a promise he breaks it, and when he is entrusted with something he breaks that trust.”

Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 32; Muslim, 89.

But there are some instances in which Islam permits lying, if that serves a greater purpose or wards off a greater harm:

These cases include the following:

1- When a person is intermediating in order to bring about reconciliation between two disputing parties.

2- When a man speaks to his wife, or a wife to her husband, concerning matters that will increase the love between them.

3- War.

It was narrated from Umm Kulthoom bint ‘Uqbah that she heard the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) say:

“He is not a liar who brings about reconciliation among people, conveys good words and says good things.”

Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 2546; Muslim, 2605

It was narrated that Asma’ bint Yazeed said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said:

“Lies are not appropriate except in three cases: when a man speaks to his wife to please her, telling lies at times of war, and lying in order to bring about reconciliation between people.”

Shaykh al-Albaani said: it is hasan.

IslamQA

 

[Sabz42]

Salaam,
personally myself i dont think u shud tell your husband let your past b ur past i think its just gona cause problems between u for no reason!