Sisters Staying Away from the Girl I Love for Islam

Ron-Kid

HasbunAllahu wa ni`mal Wakil '
Asalaamu alikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh.

Posting below a brother's question.

My childhood friend and I are in a relationship and have
been for the past 1 year because we like each other but call this
teenage hormonal problem or love we decided to tell our
parents because we did not want to hide it but our parents
refused to talk to each other because our mothers who were
also friends had an argument over a different matter earlier. So
my friend and I have decided to not meet or talk for 3 years till
I am done with bachelors and we can get married properly to
each other in sha’ Allah although we have decided to write a
letter once every month. My question is I am worried she might
fall astray as her school is full of Muslim girls who believe in
instant sex and having boyfriends and so even though she does
'love' me but she is human after all so can I use those letters to
bring her closer to religion? I myself Alhamdulillah pray 5 times
a day. How can I bring her to follow religion without being with
her because when we did talk I could stop her but now if I do
will that be wrong? These constant worries have made me
develop an OCD like problem which bothers me during prayers
with negative thoughts.

Jazak Allah khairan brother for writing in with this problem. Marriage and finding the right
spouse is hard enough but made even harder today by the confusing cultural messages given
to our young people. This is why it is so important in all aspects of our lives to look to the
Quran and sunnah and the examples of the Sahabas and Sahabiat in all matters – because
they lived ma sha’ Allah the din (Islam) fully and simply and their lives were not made
difficult by the unnecessary complications we create for ourselves today. May Allah guide us
all to the right.
I mention this at the start of my response because, as with all things, these Shar`i rules can
easily be applied to your situation as you describe it and are the easiest guideline for you to
find a way out of your problem bi idh nillah.
You say in your email that you have decided to get married to a young sister after you have
both finished your studies and are in the meantime writing to each other once a month.
I am not sure why you have delayed the nikah – if your parents both know that you want to
get married then you must pursue this and keep talking to them about your plans. There is
no reason why you cannot be married and continue to study. It is not a good idea in any
case to delay the nikah once you have decided to marry as too often this gap allows for
suspicions such as yours to arise or for the couple to be involved in wrongdoing themselves
before the nikah occurs. You can not consider yourself free from temptation just because you
pray five times a day – that is your fard and for your own benefit. It is better to protect
yourselves instead of putting yourself in a vulnerable position such as this. So I suggest the
first thing you do is to take the proposal back to your parents and tell them what you want
them to do. It is your right to be married and as long as you are both practicing Muslims
there should be no reason for refusal. All too often the reasons for refusal are cultural but
you need not prioritize the culture over the din at all. If you do - then that is a choice you
make and you must accept all that comes with it.
As for your concern regarding your fiancée again there is a Shar`i rule to be followed here.
The suspicion without clear evidence is rather unjust and unIslamic.
The Prophet (saw) said, ‘Beware of suspicion, for suspicion is the worst of false tales and do
not look for others faults’ and do not spy and do not be jealous of one another and do not
desert (cut your relation with) one another; and O Allah’s worshippers! Be brothers (as Allah
has ordered you!)’ (Bukhari, Eng,t. 1994. 71,22,2035).
I advise strongly that you consider this aspect of your attitude towards her and review it in
line with Islam. Marriage is about trust and having a good opinion of each other – if you have
such a negative view of your fiancée I am unclear why you would want to pursue this
marriage? I am a little confused by this simultaneous concern and suspicion – it is not what
healthy happy marriages are made of. Please do not enter into marriage with such suspicions
about your future wife.
In Quran we are told in Surah an - Nur “And those who accuse chaste women, and produce not
four witnesses, flog them with eighty stripes, and reject their testimony forever, they indeed
are the Fâsiqûn (liars, rebellious, disobedient to Allâh). Except those who repent thereafter
and do righteous deeds, (for such) verily, Allâh is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful. And for those
who accuse their wives, but have no witnesses except themselves, let the testimony of one of
them be four testimonies (i.e. testifies four times) by Allâh that he is one of those who speak
the truth. And the fifth (testimony) (should be) the invoking of the Curse of Allâh on him if he
be of those who tell a lie (against her). But it shall avert the punishment (of stoning to death)
from her, if she bears witness four times by Allâh, that he (her husband) is telling a lie. And
the fifth (testimony) should be that the Wrath of Allâh be upon her if he (her husband)
speaks the truth.”
So we can clearly see in the case of your concerns about your fiancée and the women at her
college - it is not allowed in Islam to direct such suspicions about people unless you have
four witnesses who have clearly seen any wrong in each case you make the accusation for, so
it is not allowed to make sweeping comments as you have done regarding sexual
permissiveness against women in general as you have done in your email. This is a serious
charge in Islam. I advise for the benefit of your own iman as well as your relationship, that
you refrain from such comments and acting on such suspicions. There is no means to an end
concept in Islam and you cannot claim to be implementing Islam by unIslamic means as you
are doing here - this is a basic principle of Shari`a. (Also, bi idh nillah you must try to be
more balanced in your views since if the women you claim to be involved in such activity are
doing as you say – the men they are involved with are equally wrong as it is with men that
these activities are allegedly taking place. It is not good to blame one party when two are
involved in wrongdoing; since you mention only the girls in your email). Consider before you
make such accusations how you would feel if someone leveled the same suspicion at your
own mother or your sister or daughter how you would feel based simply on hearsay and
gossip. Each woman is someone’s daughter and sister and mother –so we must have some
equality of justice and not just protect our own families and be hard on others. Make istighfar
for this suspicion and try to avoid it in the future in sha’ Allah. I think it would be a very
difficult thing for your fiancée to forgive if she knew this was your feeling towards her.
So in answer to your question the best way to protect your fiancée is to avoid suspicions
about her and simply get married for the protection of both of you.
I also suggest that you both attend study circles/ dars-e-Quran (there are so many in
Pakistan ma sha’ Allah) to increase your knowledge of din and its role in our everyday lives –
we all of us need this no matter how much we pray and recite Quran. Additionally, make sure
the company you both keep does not influence you in the wrong way. There are many people
who do the work of shaytan and encourage waswasa and suspicions and their concern and
supposed care for their friends often lead to marriage breakups. Islam has clear criteria for
what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior and suspicion is clearly forbidden in Islam as
we see in the hadith above. Avoid friends who make you feel worse about your concerns
instead of offering positive and constructive advice. A good friend will remind you of Islamic
boundaries in all areas of your life and will want you to be happy in your marriage not
encourage you to be suspicious and destructive in your relationship. Be aware of these
people and ideas in the future and ask for protection from such harm.
And Allah knows best.
May Allah grant you strength to live the din with ease and safety and protect you both from
all harm bi idh nillah.

Salaams and duas.
 

hayat84

I'm not what you believe
salam 'alikum brother,you wrote a long post,it seems you are really sentimentally involved to the love you feel for that girl.I suppose you're younger than me,so I'll try to be as much delicate as possible.writing letters could be a good way to know each others better.if she really loves you and hs the patience to wait,stay sure that she can be among 100 boys and be indifferent.Yes letters could help her to be closer to your religion.when I was "fiancè"(my parents allowed to us to be engaged),we used to write to each other many letters,and I remembre that he often wrote the "basmala" and mentioned Allah.it helped me to approach to Islam.in sh Allah it can work,bi idnhi Illahi.I hope with all my heart that this love will be possible
 

Ron-Kid

HasbunAllahu wa ni`mal Wakil '
Jazak. Allahu khair for your reply sister but the above story is not mine. It is some brother's expression.

But your advice is good and sensible and I will surely take it because I like someone but I. also fear Allah so I can't help it.

thank you once again
 
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