Advice on living together with husbands mother

[I.Iman]

Just newlywed to My husband and he tells me now that he is going to bring his mother to Sweden (were we live) and she is going to stay with us always.
She and I we have not met yet, and I have a daughter from before. My husband now says she is going to share room with our daughter. My first reaction is no. I do not want this. If his mother were ill, couldn't take care of herself etc and didn't have anyone looking after her, then of course we take her in. But she isn't, and she live next to 3 of his brothers. I have told My husband I want us at least to get to know each other first and "start" our family before we take her in for good, and that she could stay next door in an apartment, that way he Will be close to her. But this is not good enough for him, he want her in our small apartment. And this is not about visiting us for a time, this concerns her moving in for good. And I think that is an important discussion and not for him just to decide over my head. Besides that he is constantly saying she means more to him than I do and "she is over Your head", just so you know. When he say theese things doesn't make me feel so good, and I respect parents.

Is it wrong of me to say no to this or not wanting it?

Salam brothers and sisters, hope you all enjoying ramadhan. May Allah (swt) reward you



Is there wrong of me to

 

[Bawar]

Asslamu alaikum sister

I am not good with giving advice, but on the first glimps, I see the clash of cultures. It is evident that you and your husband are from two different cultures. Just as it is alien to your culture to accept your mother-in-law into your home permanently, I believe it is alien to your husband's culture to accept a woman as a wife who has children from previous marriage.

In other words, if he has broken his cultural barrier why can't you? I have to say, he has already proven that he feels strongly for you that's why he married you and adopted your daughter. Ofcourse, he shouldn't hurt your feelings with such words, but perhaps he feels you have no regard for his mother which I don't think is the case.

The end of the day, it is a matter between you two. Islamically speaking, his mother has rights on you also. After all she is called your mother-in-law.

I have intended only good and hope no offence is taken.

May Allah ease your problems. I will pray for you.

:salam2:

 

[kashif_nazeer]

:salam2:

I have to agree with what brother Bawar said.
There is a general feeling,that when one marries a person he doesn't marry the family.It's wrong. When one marries a person he/she also marries that person's family.So as to say in order to accept them.Islam lays strong emphasis on giving the kins their rights.
The rights of a mother exceed everyone else's,as you might have heard the hadith wherein Prophet said "Your mother" 3 times.

Sister,due to this great emphasis being laid on giving kin their right especially mother.The wife does have rights but mother has greater rights.
This problem is in every culture,after all marriage is also about compromise.
It's through patience perseverance and love that we can all get along with each other.
If someone has a little bad in them ,they also have lots of good in them.I remember reading a hadith where it said,"Try to find at least 70 excuses for your brother,if you cant then think that there might be an excuse that you might not know."


I don't mean to offend you sister,but just trying to help you out.
May Allah grant you sabr and ease your affairs for you.Ameen.

 

[I.Iman]

Thank you for answering, may Allah (swt) listen to your prayers.
First of all, we now live in My old appartment. Second he has not a job yet. And according to him
1. My mother (mine not his) is welcome sometimes but not so often.
2. My family (mine not his) have to make an appointment before coming.
3. My mother Said to him she was part of the family, he answered: yes part of the "big" family but not of our "small" family.
4. I have a daughter who he got to knew 1 year ago. Also isn't it stated in the Quran somewhere he has to take care of her? Therefore it's not cultural.
5. He Said before marrying and after he wanted us to have our one place, but near his mother.
6. I have been beging him for us to go visit his mother and family. Also did I ask him if we could live in his country for a while. His answer was we could stay there during winter, and then go back during spring/summer.
7. His mother have never Said she wants to live with us.
8. He has 7 older brothers who are married, have several children, have houses, Jobs etc.

I have never Said anything about not wanting his mother her, no, I have been telling him how much I like to see her!
But this is not about his mother coming to stay for a while, a few months or a year or 2. This is for good. And having in mind we have just got married wouldn't it be better if anyone of his other brothers would take her in? (she is now living in her own house, with 4 appartments, in wich 3 of his brother lives.

 

[JenGiove]

:salam2:

Sister, first, since I do not know if you know or not, I will tell you that I am not a Muslim, HOWEVER, I do respect Islam and the love of Muslims for the Deen. I looked up information regarding "in-laws" and how treatment of them is within regards to Islam. I hope it helps you and is relevant.

To what extent can the husband’s relatives interfere in his wife’s life?
http://islamqa.com/en/ref/6388

The husband's father and mother have no authority over their son’s wife
http://www.islamqa.com/en/ref/140687/mother%20in%20laws

If her husband prevents her from visiting her parents, will she be rewarded for her intention?
http://www.turntoislam.com/forum/If...ents, will she be rewarded for her intention?http://www.islamqa.com/en/ref/101321/visiting parents

Does she have to obey her husband’s mother?
http://www.turntoislam.com/forum/Does she have to obey her husband’s mother?http://www.islamqa.com/en/ref/13924/visiting parents

What is the role of the mother’s husband towards his wife’s children, with regard to their upbringing and education?
http://www.islamqa.com/en/ref/129377/children

 

[alf2]

I'm actually American, and If my husband wanted his mother to move in I would be delighted. BUT...we would need a bigger space.

What if you guys upgraded to a larger apartment?

You said in your last post HIS mother does not want to move, is he forcing her?

 

[JenGiove]

3. My mother Said to him she was part of the family, he answered: yes part of the "big" family but not of our "small" family.

:salam2: sister, I happen to have Islamqa as a "liked" page on my FB profile and your third statement concerned me and so I posted the question for you on their profile. Inshallah they will respond, however they are prioritizing questions relating to Ramadan (understandable) but I'm hoping that my status as a "non-Muslim" will work in your favor in this instance. I hope I have not insulted you or wronged you by doing so and if I have, I beg your forgiveness.

wa salam

 

[Um Ibrahim]

:salam2:

Sister to some degree I agree with you because being a newlywed you guys will need some time to get to know and used to each other. But there can also be a positive side to this. You should see what a good son your husband is, mashaaAllah, and you should be happy because majority of men who are good to their parents will surely be good to their wives. As well, maybe the mother will be a good person to you who helps you when you have babies. I think it is a positive especially if the mother is someone who is kind and wants the best for her son and his family. She will give you guys your space even when she is living with your family and allow you guys to have the best relationship a husband and wife can have.

My main advice: pray to Allah to bring his mother to you guys if she will be good for you and your family, if not, then may Allah keep her in the best place for her where she can still keep contact with her son but away from your home. Just ask Allah to do whatever is best for your family.

 

[I.Iman]

First, Thank you all for taking your time and answering.
May Allah reward you all in your prayers!

I have never said not wanting his mother to come. I have not met her yet! So my first reaction to My husband was, shouldn't we at least get to know one another first and let this thing come naturaly.

We would definitely need a bigger place! She would now be placed Next to our bedroom, is that really good for a husband and wifes personal life? Also she would now be sharing My daughters room.
And let's say again, this is not about for some while but for good. That is why it concerns me so much, we haven't even met!
With my daughter My mother and father have been a huge help, now they are not so welcome says My husband (since they are non muslims).
His mother does not need being "taken care of", he wants to be "close" to her. Therefore I suggested he should at first get her an appartment next to ours. He Said he could not afford this. Then I said we should wait. After all, he has 7 older brothers who have everything fixed.

Very confused, inshAllah it Will all kappen for the best!
Salam brothers and sisters

 

[esperanza]

First, Thank you all for taking your time and answering.
May Allah reward you all in your prayers!

I have never said not wanting his mother to come. I have not met her yet! So my first reaction to My husband was, shouldn't we at least get to know one another first and let this thing come naturaly.

We would definitely need a bigger place! She would now be placed Next to our bedroom, is that really good for a husband and wifes personal life? Also she would now be sharing My daughters room.
And let's say again, this is not about for some while but for good. That is why it concerns me so much, we haven't even met!
With my daughter My mother and father have been a huge help, now they are not so welcome says My husband (since they are non muslims).
His mother does not need being "taken care of", he wants to be "close" to her. Therefore I suggested he should at first get her an appartment next to ours. He Said he could not afford this. Then I said we should wait. After all, he has 7 older brothers who have everything fixed.

Very confused, inshAllah it Will all kappen for the best!
Salam brothers and sisters

dear sister

i know this is rEALLY HARD FOR YOU, and a confusing time
of course in Islam the mother is the most important person and for a son she has top prioroty
i understand how you feel ,newly married and already she is coming to live with you
i think you must just try and talk about the problem with your husband,he should try to understand your feelings
let him know you care for his mother and would love to see her often,but this is hard for you
and as you say he has 7 other brothers,why must she live with him and not any of them
does she live in your country or back in his home country,,,,

i know some sisters will disagree wiht me,but this is your life,and cross cultural marriages can be hard anyway,
and ithink you need time togehter as your newly married


but having said all that,, i lived with my husbands parents in first years of marriage,and sadly in second year ..his mother(may Allah bless her soul) passed away

i know it affected my husband ireversibly,,,and now iiwsh we had had the chance to have a lifetime with her

 

[JenGiove]

:salam2: Dear sister, I have received a response from the Sheik on Islamqa's Facebook wall. I have included my own posting for clarity. I must admit, I didn't quite know how to word it..

Asalaamu Alaikum, I hope that this holy month has been filled with peace and joy. I have a question from a newly married sister and while I tried to find information for her, this one issue relating to family structure is something I don't know how to research for her. She stated in another forum: "My mother Said to him she was part of the family, he answered: yes part of the "big" family but not of our "small" family.".....what is your opinion so that I may pass it on?

wa 'alaykum salaam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

As previously mentioned, during Ramadaan, we will strictly prioritise questions related to fasting and Ramadaan and in particular, the last 10 nights and laylatul qadr.

Your non Ramadaan related question will be answered in due time inshaAllaah. jazakumAllaahu khayr for your patience.

I just posted a reply to them and this is what I said:

Asalaamu Alaikum, first, jazakallah khair for your greater than necessary greeting. I am deeply honored and humbled (as I am a non-Muslm). I also understand that you deal with so many questions that you may not have remembered that fact about me. As for my question and the fact that is is not related to Ramadan, this I understood. Its like waiting in a que line and I just wanted to step into that line while it is still shorter than what it would be after Eid.. Be well.

Inshallah, it will not be too long before we hear back from them. I'll keep you informed., inshallah. Be well and for now, my own non-Muslim advice would be to pray.

 

[Tabassum07]

:salam2:

Am I in the minority to think that it isn't that big of a deal for the husband's mother to come and live with you, dear sister? After all, for a man, his mother is his first priority, and for the wife, her husband is hers - indirectly this means that the wife cares and respects the mother as well.

Please look at the good side as well - for a newly married person, I'm sure it would be a different situation to get to know your husband and all, but with the mother also there, you'll be able to see different sides of your husband, and learn to respect him and view him as part of a family.

And sometimes, mothers-in-law can be great help for you in learning how to deal with managing a new household - there's so much you can learn and talk to with her, you can learn about your husband's past, likes and dislikes and everything. She can help with looking after your daughter as well, and I'm sure your daughter will do well with exposure to an elder person who can love her and sometimes look after her when you're too busy elsewhere.

 

[Aapa]

Assalaam walaikum,

Just as difficult a change in your privacy remember it will be ten times harder for your mother- in- law.
Having your own room is a luxury but sharing a room is a blessing. You learn to be giving.
Your mother-in-law may be what your daughter needs. She will be able to guide your daughter to the subtleties of Islamic living. She will be an added blessing to your household.

Be gentle with your husband. Yes, your feeling were hurt. Men are like that. They make decisions and we are supposed to not only understand but agree 100%, before we are informed of the decision.

In Islam, and I do not know where we get this from, men take care of their mothers. It is a high honor. If you are kind to her you will honor him with his family. You will please Allah. And his love for you will be deeper.

 

[I.Iman]

May Allah listen and hear all of your prayers! I appriciate everyones answer.

With all respect sister above; I am 30 years old, swedish, been living on my own since I was 18, I have studied 4 years at university, have been working and supporting myself. I have a daughter from a previous relationship. It was only recently I turned to Islam and became a muslim. My daughter have been seeing My mother and father almost every day since she was born. For us, family and relatives means huge and are very important. But not that a mother would move in to a newlywed couple. And also, I think I know a lot on how to run a household. NOT saying his mother wouldn't be helpful. But she can be helpful even if not living next to our room. Did not mean any disrespect, but I hope you can see the difference. I am not coming from a muslim family. Even though, I know now many muslim agree with me. And this thing is not stated in the Quran - which of course tells us to look after and take care of the mother!- this is have I come to understand, cultural. And cultural is not the religion. We can look after his mother as well as she having her own place next to ours. Although, she is in no need of taking care of. And with this saying, if she were in need for us (of all his brother and family) to take care of her, I would be the first one to welcome her. As well as my own mother. But please read above, this is far from the case.

May Allah reward all of you
Alhamdulillah I am a muslim, the best thing ever happened!

 

[Aapa]

Assalaam walaikum,

Sister, I fully understand your diliema. I am presenting a different perspective.
However, you made the decision to become Muslim. Trust me, I know how hard it is to have the transition from a secular culture to a righteous life-style. That which was the accepted way has to change because the right way is with Allah.

Most importantly..Muslims are told by the Word of Allah that we have to show kindness to our parents. That is our obligation. Just as they nurtured us when we were babes we have to protect them with our wings as they become fragile before our eyes.

I do not wish to turn this into a debate. However, you must understand this is a test for you. Sister, this notion of newlyweds getting adjusted to each other is just that..a notion. Changes happen everyday in life.

You married a Muslim man. You are Muslim. Part of being Muslim is family first. It is not husband and wife first. It is about family.

 

[I.Iman]

Of course not a debate, but a discussion . Yes I made the decision to be a muslim and Allah (swt) accepted this,allhamdulillah! but I am a Swedish muslim, not an arab, not an african. Allah sent his religion to all people... For us to follow the Quran and the Sunnah. Not all cultural behavior, that has no roll over Islam. So therefore, one has to seperate cultural behavior from religion, wich I have understood is more difficult for "longtime" muslims than it is for new muslims.

And I think we can all agree the issue is not about no one is caring for My husbands mother. Because we all must take care of our parents when they get old as they tooked care of us. Although, this is not the problem.
And just to be clear, My mother in law she does not even know he is planning this. My husband is "forcing" this.

I hope I did not offended you, I just have to point that an opinion must be based upon Islam and not ones cultural bagage.
In fact I have changed very much in my and My daughters life by bringing Islam into it, in a good way!
And also I am a little worried that so many muslim sisters think that they should just obey her husband, please him and thats it. Of course this is in the Quran, but it is not that simple. It must be from both sides, not just the woman. A woman and a man need eachother, so therefore the man has to consider a Womans opinion very carefully and discuss with her before making a decision she disagree with. Allah (swt) did not gave the autorithy to men for them to act like he owns the woman, because no man can own anyone besides Allah.

I hope I have not offended anyone, in that case I sincerally apologize.




I really hope you

 

[Aapa]

Assalaam walaikum,

I am not offended.

Your husband was unfair. He did not ask you. Have you explained to him that hurt your feelings? Does he even know you are upset.

You and your husband need to sit down and air out the miscommunication that is transmitted culturally. You have to let him know how you handle issues with your cultural bias as does he.

In a cross cultural marriage and one where there is a child from a past relationship patience has to be practiced. You have to be strong.

You chose his faith, you chose to marry him. Now you have the choice of pleasing him. It is what you decided to to. This is the cup you want to drink out of; it has a liquid and right now it is not pleasing to your taste. How your parents live is not a good analogy. They are not Muslims. You have to seek knowledge of how Muslim women communicate with their husbands. All that you knew before does not matter.

You are asking him to yield his cultural baggage to accept you cultural baggage.

I always advise young brothers if they are going to marry a woman with a female child from another relationship and you are a Muslim man living in a western country be careful. His mother moving in with you will be the protection that this family needs.

Take a moment and think of what I have written. If I need to be more descriptive I will be.

 

[msmoorad]

Of course not a debate, but a discussion . Yes I made the decision to be a muslim and Allah (swt) accepted this,allhamdulillah! but I am a Swedish muslim, not an arab, not an african. Allah sent his religion to all people... For us to follow the Quran and the Sunnah. Not all cultural behavior, that has no roll over Islam. So therefore, one has to seperate cultural behavior from religion, wich I have understood is more difficult for "longtime" muslims than it is for new muslims.

And I think we can all agree the issue is not about no one is caring for My husbands mother. Because we all must take care of our parents when they get old as they tooked care of us. Although, this is not the problem.
And just to be clear, My mother in law she does not even know he is planning this. My husband is "forcing" this.

I hope I did not offended you, I just have to point that an opinion must be based upon Islam and not ones cultural bagage.
In fact I have changed very much in my and My daughters life by bringing Islam into it, in a good way!
And also I am a little worried that so many muslim sisters think that they should just obey her husband, please him and thats it. Of course this is in the Quran, but it is not that simple. It must be from both sides, not just the woman. A woman and a man need eachother, so therefore the man has to consider a Womans opinion very carefully and discuss with her before making a decision she disagree with. Allah (swt) did not gave the autorithy to men for them to act like he owns the woman, because no man can own anyone besides Allah.

I hope I have not offended anyone, in that case I sincerally apologize.




I really hope you

salaams to all

with all due respect to everyone, & their opinions.
what ive gathered from advices of the ulama is this:

a married couple should ideally have their own quarters unless they are living in a very large home & they can have their own bedroom, toilet/bathroom & even a little kitchen.

even for a born muslim, to have your mother in law moving in to live with you n your husband- its not something most sisters would look forward to- unless they already know their mothers inlaw & have a good understanding between them.


i dont know what nationality your husband is but im guessing N African(Algeria, Tunisia, Morocco). most likely his mother wants to ensure her new daughter in law can run a household properly & she will want to teach u how to make their traditional dishes etc..

i think u should tell him clearly that u are not very happy that his mother is coming to live with u permanently.
theres nothing disrespectful about telling him that- u are also entitled to your privacy & comfort- if not in your own home- then where?
all those who see notrhing wrong with his mother coming to live permanently- are looking at the situation through culturally influenced eyes.

a long holiday or even living immediately next door is Ok- but this.
even i would not like this arrangement- unless its a very big house.

i would feel very uncomfortable having relations with my wife while my mother was in the next room!
for the sister:
she has to be careful of expressing affection to her husband in her own home-for ever!


and Allah ta'ala knows best
jazakallah

 

[ShyHijabi]

:salam2:


If he is not working then he can't afford to support her, period. When he gets a job and starts paying for rent, food, utilities, etc., then he can talk about bringing in another person to support.

 

[Aapa]

Assalaam walaikum,

In the month of Ramadan when we are to open our hearts to all we are having this discussion.

Just maybe..just maybe the mother in law is a pious woman. A believing woman. A woman that Allah loves and her presence would bring into the family the blessings it needs.

Her presence would make life a little easier on her son as he looks for work. The family may recieve an increase in benefits to help the entire unit. You would be placed on top of the list for housing having a minor child and an elderly adult.

But you and your husband need to talk. You need to let him know how you wish to be respected by having discussions prior to making decisions. Remind him very gently marriage means he has a partner in life.

The issue at hand is not his mother moving in. The issue is why did he not discuss this with you and how you feel.