Anxiety about marraige

Ashima33

Junior Member
Salaam Alaikum,

I have talked about this with a few people before... but I'm still struggling with it. Since I am a convert, I have transitioned from a life of dating to specifically finding a marriage partner. Although I'm not currently looking for someone to marry, I still have anxiety about how I will meet this person, how I will know it's right, etc. There is a brother who could potentially propose to me, but that's very up in the air. I find myself getting fixated on the idea of being with him, because I knew him and were friends before I converted... so I know him pretty well. And his family is like my 2nd family. I struggle everyday with the thought of, "What if I don't end up with him?" I tell myself I'll be okay, but I get anxious when I think about how I would find someone else? Sometimes it seems like people meet each other get engaged and married in a matter of 2 months and I know I just couldn't do that.... but I know I will be ready for marriage soon and don't feel like waiting FOREVER to get to know a person again. So I guess I would just like to know how my fellow converts have dealt with this transition. Sometimes I feel like I'm not putting enough trust in Allah, and I think, "well I will make sure to pray istikhara." But then I think, "what if I misinterpret?"

Thank you

Wasalaam.
 

mohamedan

New Member
salam ,
Allah has made some one for u. n as Allah says u don know wat's better for u but Allah. so there might be a better choice u hvnt looked it yet of HE will give more beautiful than u r desiring. as HE is all in all. ur fate has been written u shall get wat is for u there. no one can take it frm u if HE wishes u to be recipeint of wat u desire.
u r human, n satan tries to instill temptations. be strong cuz ur faith is every thing u got to survive.
regards,
shahrukh
 

MutlekM

Junior Member
:salam2:
I was born in a muslim family but lived in USA all my life i kind of know wat ur going through since i still am in school and still a teenager but unlike u brother i hav never gone out with a girl and never will inshallah . What i mean is that u will hav trouble in the first few months or maybe even years but you will get used to it after awhile. just remember just trust ALLAH in guiding you and dont ever giv up to satin i will pray for you and everybody to hav the women they deserve or should i say desire. AMEEN
:wasalam:
 

Ashima33

Junior Member
:salam2:
I was born in a muslim family but lived in USA all my life i kind of know wat ur going through since i still am in school and still a teenager but unlike u brother i hav never gone out with a girl and never will inshallah . What i mean is that u will hav trouble in the first few months or maybe even years but you will get used to it after awhile. just remember just trust ALLAH in guiding you and dont ever giv up to satin i will pray for you and everybody to hav the women they deserve or should i say desire. AMEEN
:wasalam:

Salaam Brother,

Thank you for your response. I am a girl. =P
 

helpinghumanity

Junior Member
:salam2:


One of the Salaf entered a field, hungry and tired, so he wanted to eat, and his stomach was 'rumbling'. He saw an apple tree, and picked an apple to eat. He ate half of it under the protection of Allah, then he drank from the river near the field. After that, he suddenly realized that he was not aware of what he did due to his hunger, and thought to himself: Woe to you! How can you eat someone else's provision without permission. In remorse he was determined not to leave the place until he found the owner of the garden, and confess to him that he had eaten his provision without his permission. He looked around and saw a house and went up to the door and knocked on it.


The owner came out and asked him what he wanted.

The Salaf said: "I was hungry and entered your garden and took this apple and ate half of it, then I remembered it was not mine, and I came to beg you to forgive me for this mistake."

The man replied, "I will not forgive you except on one condition?"

So the Salaf asked (and he is Thaabit bin Nu'maan), "What is your condition?"

The owner of the garden said: "I want you to marry my daughter."

The honorable Salaf without hesitation said: "yes, I will marry her". The father of the girl then said: "I want you to know that my daughter is blind and cannot see, dumb and cannot speak, deaf and cannot hear."

The revelation shocked Thaabit bin Nu'maan and thoughts flashed through his mind - what a disaster - what's he going to do? Then he remembered that the trials and tribulation he has to endure by accepting this woman as his wife, and taking care of her and serving her is better for him than to eat the food (sadeed) of hellfire due to the fact that he had eaten the apple without permission. He also realized that if he did not make amends, his days in the dunya are numbered. So he promised to marry the girl, and prayed for forgiveness and reward from Allah, the Lord of the Worlds.

The day of marriage came, and the man was nervous and very worried: "How will I enter upon a woman who does not speak, see, or hear?!" What a dilemma, and he wished the earth would swallow him before that happened (i.e. going the wedding ceremony), but he remembered Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala and said: "Laa Hawla wa laa quwata illa billah, wa inna lilah wa inna ilayhi raji'oon." He went off to the wedding ceremony and when he arrived, his future bride stood up and greeted him, saying, "Assalamu 'alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu."

When he saw her, it took his breath away and remembered what he had imagined of the hoor il-'ayn in paradise. Gaining his composure, he blurted out: "What is this? So you speak, see, and hear." Thaabit bin Nu'maan then informed her what her father had to told him.


She gave him the most beautiful smile and said: "My father spoke the truth and he didn't lie."

"But why did he tell me things about you which are untrue?

She replied, "My father said I am dumb, because I have never said a word which displeases Allah, nor have I ever spoken to a man whom it is not permissable to speak to. [He said] I am deaf, because I have never sat it in a place where malicious backbiting, gossip or tale-telling takes place. [He said] I am blind because I have never looked at a man who was not permissable for me to look."


So ponder how Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala united this pious woman to this pious man.
 

Ashima33

Junior Member
Salaam,

C'mon converts! Give me some advice! This thread has been viewed by almost 100 people and only 4 comments! Okay, maybe I'm being impatient... but c'mon! I would think this is a common thing as a convert to go through, right??????
 

Tabassum07

Smile for Allah
All I can say is: Don't worry :) Take things lightly for now. Whenever the right time comes for you to marry, and whenever the right person whom Allah has chosen for you will come, then it'll happen in a flash, and you'll know it, or the circumstances will turn suddenly so that all things will point in only one direction. So don't worry. Have patience. Trust that Allah will have things work out for you.

I know I"m probably not qualified to give advice to you. I'm not a convert, nor am I married or about to be married. But this is the advice I give myself when I begin to doubt. When I was a teenager, I used to dream of meeting a guy and falling in love with him and then marrying. But now I know better. I see people around me dating and heartbreaking over and over again. I don't want to go through all of that. I don't want to have a "trial and error" life. Whoever Allah chooses for me is going to be the best fit for me. And the same thing shall inshallah, apply for you too, and all of us, Ameen. :) So just have patience.
 

Amina 1

Junior Member
Assalam Alaikum


You must submit your will to Allah he knows what is best. When you pray ,pray that he will guide you to who is right for you. I know it is hard but you must have faith and be patient. Life is a test.:hijabi:
 

yakubpasha

Junior Member
Asak Sister

We are sailing in the same boat. I am a born Muslim but trust me we all feel the same way about marriage. The what if questions start popping in my head. What if i dont like her, i am marrying a complete stranger etc etc.

My non muslims friends come up with 100's of theories about why i should date before marriage to prepare myself for a good marriage etc etc. A lot of people nowadays have started this engagement concept. Where they get 'engaged' and talk on the phone for a year. Some parents even allow their children to go out etc with the excuse that they are getting married

As far as i know there is no concept of engagement in Islam. Ofcourse we should get to know the other person by talking a couple of times with some one around and then do istikhara and believe in fate.

The verse below talks about how Allah has made us spouses of similar nature and other verses( i cant remember which one) talks about how he puts love between husband and wife

"And Allah has made for you wives of your own kind, and has made for you, from your wives, sons and grandsons, and has bestowed on you good provision. Do they then believe in false deities and deny the Favour of Allah (by not worshipping Allah Alone)." Surah Nahl ayat 72

So sister please dont feel anxious. Make dua that Allah blesses your marriage.
Inshallah everything will be fine :)
 

yakubpasha

Junior Member
Engagement is recognized and encouraged in Islam. It's called Khitba-tun-Nikaah. It starts with a proposal from the man who may present his qualifications to the woman if she's available and may be accompanied by a gift and ends with the witnessed marriage contract, `Aqd al-Qiraan or Katb al-Kitaab. The prophet, peace be upon him did so with Umm Salama for instance.

During the engagement, the two fiancés can meet and look at each other and talk but never be alone together.

Thanks i will get back to you on this.. i believe there is a different view on this as well
 

Ashima33

Junior Member
Salaam to you all,

thank you for all your advice. What I gather is that I must have patience. And, I will... because I really have no choice.... while I consider myself to be an extremely patient person, I'm not going to lie... it just gets so hard sometimes. But I know that's part of it. oh geez. I will work on this----> :SMILY346:
 

yakubpasha

Junior Member
Engagement is recognized and encouraged in Islam. It's called Khitba-tun-Nikaah. It starts with a proposal from the man who may present his qualifications to the woman if she's available and may be accompanied by a gift and ends with the witnessed marriage contract, `Aqd al-Qiraan or Katb al-Kitaab. The prophet, peace be upon him did so with Umm Salama for instance.

During the engagement, the two fiancés can meet and look at each other and talk but never be alone together.

Salam Brother- Engagement is allowed only for people to know that the girl is no longer available, so that people dont continue sending proposals. The relationship is still non Mahram so talking on phone, going out etc etc ( which so many parents are ok with) is not allowed.
 

Abu Hannah

Slave of Allah
:salam2:


One of the Salaf entered a field, hungry and tired, so he wanted to eat, and his stomach was 'rumbling'. He saw an apple tree, and picked an apple to eat. He ate half of it under the protection of Allah, then he drank from the river near the field. After that, he suddenly realized that he was not aware of what he did due to his hunger, and thought to himself: Woe to you! How can you eat someone else's provision without permission. In remorse he was determined not to leave the place until he found the owner of the garden, and confess to him that he had eaten his provision without his permission. He looked around and saw a house and went up to the door and knocked on it.


The owner came out and asked him what he wanted.

The Salaf said: "I was hungry and entered your garden and took this apple and ate half of it, then I remembered it was not mine, and I came to beg you to forgive me for this mistake."

The man replied, "I will not forgive you except on one condition?"

So the Salaf asked (and he is Thaabit bin Nu'maan), "What is your condition?"

The owner of the garden said: "I want you to marry my daughter."

The honorable Salaf without hesitation said: "yes, I will marry her". The father of the girl then said: "I want you to know that my daughter is blind and cannot see, dumb and cannot speak, deaf and cannot hear."

The revelation shocked Thaabit bin Nu'maan and thoughts flashed through his mind - what a disaster - what's he going to do? Then he remembered that the trials and tribulation he has to endure by accepting this woman as his wife, and taking care of her and serving her is better for him than to eat the food (sadeed) of hellfire due to the fact that he had eaten the apple without permission. He also realized that if he did not make amends, his days in the dunya are numbered. So he promised to marry the girl, and prayed for forgiveness and reward from Allah, the Lord of the Worlds.

The day of marriage came, and the man was nervous and very worried: "How will I enter upon a woman who does not speak, see, or hear?!" What a dilemma, and he wished the earth would swallow him before that happened (i.e. going the wedding ceremony), but he remembered Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala and said: "Laa Hawla wa laa quwata illa billah, wa inna lilah wa inna ilayhi raji'oon." He went off to the wedding ceremony and when he arrived, his future bride stood up and greeted him, saying, "Assalamu 'alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu."

When he saw her, it took his breath away and remembered what he had imagined of the hoor il-'ayn in paradise. Gaining his composure, he blurted out: "What is this? So you speak, see, and hear." Thaabit bin Nu'maan then informed her what her father had to told him.


She gave him the most beautiful smile and said: "My father spoke the truth and he didn't lie."

"But why did he tell me things about you which are untrue?

She replied, "My father said I am dumb, because I have never said a word which displeases Allah, nor have I ever spoken to a man whom it is not permissable to speak to. [He said] I am deaf, because I have never sat it in a place where malicious backbiting, gossip or tale-telling takes place. [He said] I am blind because I have never looked at a man who was not permissable for me to look."


So ponder how Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala united this pious woman to this pious man.

:ma: this is a wonderful story
 
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