Abdul Hasib
Student of Knowledge
Assalamu Aleykum Warahmatullahe Wabarakaathuh dearest brothers and sisters. It's been maybe about two to three months since I've ever talked to any of you. Please forgive me brothers and sisters. For any of you brothers and sisters that my heart has been close to, please forgive me. I'm sorry that I haven't talked to you brothers and sisters for a long time. I haven't forgotten any of you. I'm just feeling extremely upset and worried, worried because I feel that I might be slipping in my deen (I've started having these weird Waswasa and feelings that I thought were gone forever). I'm just upset with myself, and I just want to come back to Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla, and be a good Muslim, be a MUMIN, and a PIOUS one. Wallahi this way of life (in the Light of Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla) is the ONLY thing that made me to ever like this world. Before, I would just always wish that my life was over, because I felt empty in my heart, and I was upset because of all the corruption around me, and in me. But when Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla brought me under his care, and I started increasing in my Deen, Wallahi it was the most BEAUTIFULLEST thing I have ever felt.
I became an extremely differant person, someone who a lot of people (even non Muslims) admired (because of my character). Whenever anyone would need any help (maybe if they dropped something), they would find me running up to go help them.
And it's from Rasulallah (SAW) and Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla that I learned to RESPECT and be POLITE to women, Wallahi, if I was the stupid way I was before (when I was getting bad last year), I would never have been so respectful and good to women and girls. And Wallahi, the thing that might come to someone's mind is that I might "have a small crush on them."
^Nice guess, but no. Wallahi, whenever I went to help a girl or a women, in my heart, I felt that I wanted to do a small good deed, like being compassionate, so that maybe, Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla will be pleased with me, and maybe, it can be a way of atonement for the evil way that I was.
Like let's say, in my English and my Graphic Arts class, I have two teachers, one of them is my English teacher (who I gave some books and CDs on Islam, and PLEASE make dua for her that Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla opens her heart to his Beauty and his Light, which is his Deen), and another one is an assistant teacher (and please make dua that Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla increases her knowledge in Islam, which leads her into embracing it). Bother of them are white skin, American (dark blond), and young (25-26 years old).
Boys in my class OGGLE at them, whenever those teachers' backs are turned to them, and Wallahi it just DISGUSTS me when I hear the disgusting rubbish that those boys say about them, about "what they would do them." Trust me, I would LOVE to get ballistic at them :angryblue:
But Wallahi, it just makes make me feel like crying when I look at my own situation. (And please brothers and sisters, in no way am I trying to make myself look good, nor am I praising myself (I always fear that I might be a hypocrite
). It's just that i NEED to say all of this to someone, and I have no one to tell this about except my brothers and sisters here, which I miss very much )
Wallahi, it starts to break me to tears, when I look at my own situation. When these boys are all talking about how "hot they look" (it makes me shiver when I hear them say this, and let alone the fact that I feel terrified looking at my teachers' eyes), and even though all the boys around me are doing these things, I do not let myself take a part in these things. And when I think deeply about it (which I do, 98 % of the time), I remember at times when tears would come out of my eyes, when I would reflect about how I was before, and how I was at my present time.
Wallahi, I love doing these kind of good things. I love being nice, polite, and kind to people (especially to females, because I feel bad for them that Iblis has enslaved their hearts, and the devils are watching them with EVER electron's weight of disrespect to them), because when I'm like this, I represent what Islam REALLY is, and when they ask me, I want to tell them, that my religion tells me to do this, my religion tells me that I MUST be good to people, and that in my religion, it's an OBLIGATION upon me to protect and help women (from Surah an Nisa), and Rasulallah (SAW) said: "The best of men are those who are the best to women (and their women)."
And these events of good deeds just makes me understand the Power and Mightiness of Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla, that he turned a stupid, disgraceful, and loathsome boy like me, into someone that became a beacon for others, and Wallahi, whenever I reflect upon how Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla has HONORED me, by making me a MUSLIM, and a FOLLOWER (Inshallah) of RASULALLAH (SAW), and being the SHADOW (Inshallah) of the GREATEST example, Rasulallah (SAW), it never fails to bring me to tears.
That's why I'm scared at the moment. I DON'T want to leave this beautiful way of life that Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla has given me, that he hs BLESSED me with. Wallahi, there's NOTHING else that I want to be in my life, exceot one of the GREATEST slaves of Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla, like the Salaf as Salih, Inshallah.
Please make dua for me brothers and sisters, for Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla to forgive me for all my sins, for my shortcomings, and to protect me and guard me from the evil that is in me, the evil that is in my society, and the evil consequences of my evil actions. And that when I grow uo, I can REALLY be like a REAL slave of Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla, like maybe, Sheikh Ahmed ibn Hanbal, Imam Malik ibn Anas, Sheikh Ibn al Taymiyyah, Umar ibn al Khattab (Raheemahumullah), and like all my other heroes from the Salaf as Salih, being sinless, and maybe making a (SLIGHT) mistake that are like "casting a drop of ink into the ocean," and that I'm like SO Pious, beyond my own understanding! Wallahi, how beautiful that would be.
Sorry for wasting any of you time, brothers and sisters. And forgive me if there's anything wrong in my post, because that's all from myself (being a pathetic human, which I like thinking myself as :lol: <sorry, I just had to laugh after I said this), and I hope that my post was udnerstandalbe and clear, and that if Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla wills, then my post increased the Iman of many of you, and if it did, it's only from Allah Subhaanhu wa Ta Alla, to whom I'm eternally indebted to.
Jazakallah Kyr wa Barkallahu Feek brothers and sisters for taking some time into reading my post. It means a lot to me when I have Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla and my brothers and sisters (in Islam) who I cam always count on.
I became an extremely differant person, someone who a lot of people (even non Muslims) admired (because of my character). Whenever anyone would need any help (maybe if they dropped something), they would find me running up to go help them.
And it's from Rasulallah (SAW) and Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla that I learned to RESPECT and be POLITE to women, Wallahi, if I was the stupid way I was before (when I was getting bad last year), I would never have been so respectful and good to women and girls. And Wallahi, the thing that might come to someone's mind is that I might "have a small crush on them."
^Nice guess, but no. Wallahi, whenever I went to help a girl or a women, in my heart, I felt that I wanted to do a small good deed, like being compassionate, so that maybe, Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla will be pleased with me, and maybe, it can be a way of atonement for the evil way that I was.
Like let's say, in my English and my Graphic Arts class, I have two teachers, one of them is my English teacher (who I gave some books and CDs on Islam, and PLEASE make dua for her that Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla opens her heart to his Beauty and his Light, which is his Deen), and another one is an assistant teacher (and please make dua that Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla increases her knowledge in Islam, which leads her into embracing it). Bother of them are white skin, American (dark blond), and young (25-26 years old).
Boys in my class OGGLE at them, whenever those teachers' backs are turned to them, and Wallahi it just DISGUSTS me when I hear the disgusting rubbish that those boys say about them, about "what they would do them." Trust me, I would LOVE to get ballistic at them :angryblue:
But Wallahi, it just makes make me feel like crying when I look at my own situation. (And please brothers and sisters, in no way am I trying to make myself look good, nor am I praising myself (I always fear that I might be a hypocrite
). It's just that i NEED to say all of this to someone, and I have no one to tell this about except my brothers and sisters here, which I miss very much )Wallahi, it starts to break me to tears, when I look at my own situation. When these boys are all talking about how "hot they look" (it makes me shiver when I hear them say this, and let alone the fact that I feel terrified looking at my teachers' eyes), and even though all the boys around me are doing these things, I do not let myself take a part in these things. And when I think deeply about it (which I do, 98 % of the time), I remember at times when tears would come out of my eyes, when I would reflect about how I was before, and how I was at my present time.
Wallahi, I love doing these kind of good things. I love being nice, polite, and kind to people (especially to females, because I feel bad for them that Iblis has enslaved their hearts, and the devils are watching them with EVER electron's weight of disrespect to them), because when I'm like this, I represent what Islam REALLY is, and when they ask me, I want to tell them, that my religion tells me to do this, my religion tells me that I MUST be good to people, and that in my religion, it's an OBLIGATION upon me to protect and help women (from Surah an Nisa), and Rasulallah (SAW) said: "The best of men are those who are the best to women (and their women)."
And these events of good deeds just makes me understand the Power and Mightiness of Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla, that he turned a stupid, disgraceful, and loathsome boy like me, into someone that became a beacon for others, and Wallahi, whenever I reflect upon how Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla has HONORED me, by making me a MUSLIM, and a FOLLOWER (Inshallah) of RASULALLAH (SAW), and being the SHADOW (Inshallah) of the GREATEST example, Rasulallah (SAW), it never fails to bring me to tears.
That's why I'm scared at the moment. I DON'T want to leave this beautiful way of life that Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla has given me, that he hs BLESSED me with.
Wallahi, there's NOTHING else that I want to be in my life, exceot one of the GREATEST slaves of Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla, like the Salaf as Salih, Inshallah. Please make dua for me brothers and sisters, for Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla to forgive me for all my sins, for my shortcomings, and to protect me and guard me from the evil that is in me, the evil that is in my society, and the evil consequences of my evil actions.
And that when I grow uo, I can REALLY be like a REAL slave of Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla, like maybe, Sheikh Ahmed ibn Hanbal, Imam Malik ibn Anas, Sheikh Ibn al Taymiyyah, Umar ibn al Khattab (Raheemahumullah), and like all my other heroes from the Salaf as Salih, being sinless, and maybe making a (SLIGHT) mistake that are like "casting a drop of ink into the ocean," and that I'm like SO Pious, beyond my own understanding! Wallahi, how beautiful that would be. Sorry for wasting any of you time, brothers and sisters. And forgive me if there's anything wrong in my post, because that's all from myself (being a pathetic human, which I like thinking myself as :lol: <sorry, I just had to laugh after I said this
), and I hope that my post was udnerstandalbe and clear, and that if Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla wills, then my post increased the Iman of many of you, and if it did, it's only from Allah Subhaanhu wa Ta Alla, to whom I'm eternally indebted to.Jazakallah Kyr wa Barkallahu Feek brothers and sisters for taking some time into reading my post. It means a lot to me when I have Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla and my brothers and sisters (in Islam) who I cam always count on.
) fill in for us in one of our classes ... I was late.. I walked in thinking.. oh no.. just what I needed...(I had weak emaan) ... I turned and saw the "boys" who I normally entertain myself by talking about gaming (17-19 yr olds) - and I saw them grinning ... wickedly... and I went and took a seat - and I tried my best not to look at her - but its really really hard to focus on the ground when she stares right into your face .. so for 2 hours straight I suffered with this beautiful being in front of me...(don't get me started on the voice - if only I had ear plugs)
